PLEASE HELP! Urgent Situation With My Mom In California.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all clueless pps here who can't understand how people are poor! This is how! Generational poverty is a thing. Don't be so smug, you a**holes.
OP is trying to move away from her mom's bad influence and mistakes and in the end, her mom will bring her down. Being born to her mom and dad has already set her life trajectory for the most part. But, then they come to bite you again, and again, and again.

It is appalling that for all the supposed brains and money here people are so ignorant of the real world for many in this country. I guess when you can buy you kid’s way into good schools, you have to separate yourself from reality. They don’t want to be around the unwashed masses, but seem to have a lot of advice about how to deal with them on an affordable individual level.

So much bad advice here (like, mom to VA to live with you, and presto, the problem is solved). IDIOCY.

No one is saying problem is solved. you are being ridiculous! Better to have mom near by than in a parking lot somewhere in CA. There is no simple fix folks thinking outside of box and trying to offer ideas. In fact in many countries everyone just lives together and makes do, kind of what we are suggesting OP does. Not great, but whatelse can she do you can't figure out CA social services for someone living in a car long distance. Hell I'd rather my mom be living on the street in my neighborhood than across the coutnry, at lease I can help her navigate social services locally, feed her and give her a place to be during the day/evening!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all clueless pps here who can't understand how people are poor! This is how! Generational poverty is a thing. Don't be so smug, you a**holes.
OP is trying to move away from her mom's bad influence and mistakes and in the end, her mom will bring her down. Being born to her mom and dad has already set her life trajectory for the most part. But, then they come to bite you again, and again, and again.

It is appalling that for all the supposed brains and money here people are so ignorant of the real world for many in this country. I guess when you can buy you kid’s way into good schools, you have to separate yourself from reality. They don’t want to be around the unwashed masses, but seem to have a lot of advice about how to deal with them on an affordable individual level.

So much bad advice here (like, mom to VA to live with you, and presto, the problem is solved). IDIOCY.

No one is saying problem is solved. you are being ridiculous! Better to have mom near by than in a parking lot somewhere in CA. There is no simple fix folks thinking outside of box and trying to offer ideas. In fact in many countries everyone just lives together and makes do, kind of what we are suggesting OP does. Not great, but whatelse can she do you can't figure out CA social services for someone living in a car long distance. Hell I'd rather my mom be living on the street in my neighborhood than across the coutnry, at lease I can help her navigate social services locally, feed her and give her a place to be during the day/evening!

It’s the bring her closer TO LIVE WITH OP that I’m objecting to. Yes, it MIGHT be easier to have mom closer. Then again, it sounds like OP had reasons to stay physically separated from Mom even before mom moved to CA. OP cites issues from the age of 14. Sounds like mom might we worse now. Having grandma manipulate grandchildren even if living outside the OP’s home, might be difficult.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mother sounds a lot like mine. If you are not willing to let her stay with you, then don't help her. Seriously.

The last time I tried to help my mom she had a sob story about having no food. I sent her all the money I could and was late with my own rent as a result. Come to find out, she ended up spending my money on a vacation.

Your mom is old enough to figure this our on her own. She has $2k and could get a motel room tonight if she wanted one. She can take her truck back to the shop and ask them to fix it again. She likely has enough to get housing until she gets her social security check. Assuming she has access to a phone, she can call her local social services and ask for help.

Trust, me the chaos will not end. Take care of yourself and keep your distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all clueless pps here who can't understand how people are poor! This is how! Generational poverty is a thing. Don't be so smug, you a**holes.
OP is trying to move away from her mom's bad influence and mistakes and in the end, her mom will bring her down. Being born to her mom and dad has already set her life trajectory for the most part. But, then they come to bite you again, and again, and again.

It is appalling that for all the supposed brains and money here people are so ignorant of the real world for many in this country. I guess when you can buy you kid’s way into good schools, you have to separate yourself from reality. They don’t want to be around the unwashed masses, but seem to have a lot of advice about how to deal with them on an affordable individual level.

So much bad advice here (like, mom to VA to live with you, and presto, the problem is solved). IDIOCY.

No one is saying problem is solved. you are being ridiculous! Better to have mom near by than in a parking lot somewhere in CA. There is no simple fix folks thinking outside of box and trying to offer ideas. In fact in many countries everyone just lives together and makes do, kind of what we are suggesting OP does. Not great, but whatelse can she do you can't figure out CA social services for someone living in a car long distance. Hell I'd rather my mom be living on the street in my neighborhood than across the coutnry, at lease I can help her navigate social services locally, feed her and give her a place to be during the day/evening!

It’s the bring her closer TO LIVE WITH OP that I’m objecting to. Yes, it MIGHT be easier to have mom closer. Then again, it sounds like OP had reasons to stay physically separated from Mom even before mom moved to CA. OP cites issues from the age of 14. Sounds like mom might we worse now. Having grandma manipulate grandchildren even if living outside the OP’s home, might be difficult.

Your strong feelings show you have your own issues with your parent(s).

[Anonymous]

Op here. Just got off the phone with mom (2 hr conversation).

To be clear she is not asking me for help. She is not asking me for money. She has been reaching out more lately I suppose for emotional support during her stressful situation,

We discussed ALOT tonight. Too much to type plus I don't even know where to start.

For one she clarified that she was reading these pamphlets from the social security benefits office and it does state as a previous pp said that for SSI that the asset cap is $2K and she is allowed to have a car, so that's good.

Tonight I suggested that she move out to VA permanently (not move in with me) but move here closer to the kids and I so we can be her support system and she just kept giving me all these excuses. For example, she doesn't like the East Coast she would consider a move to Arizona or Canada however. WTF?!!

Then she started saying that she wanted to get a job first and save up some money so that she's not coming to VA with limited finances. I suggested per a pp's advice that mom pack up the stuff in her truck (that's all she has to her name) , ship the boxes here and then donate her truck to a charity. She was open to that idea. But then she started backtracking and going in circles.

I flat out told her "mom it sounds like all I'm hearing is excuses" then she broke down and admitted "yeah you're right but this is the life I'm used to it's not easy to make such a drastic change."

Then she mentioned that her sister wants to move from New York to Texas and her sister asked her to move in with her in Texas but Mom doesn't want to move to Texas.

Overall the conversation left me feeling drained and left me feeling like Mom does not really want to change her life.

Oh and the icing on the cake is that I'm on the phone talking with her and this homeless man approaches her truck and starts asking her if he can look in her mirrors to shave his face. He had some kind of razors in his hand and she screamed at him " eave me alone" while I was on the phone. I was like "mom really this is what I'm talking about it's not safe for you to live this way." Then she launched into how she mostly feels safe and only on a few occasions has she felt threatened like when the man tried to snatch her purse. Ughh I just can't with her.

I was trying to remain calm but at one point I got so frustrated and I was like mom why don't you want to live a normal stable life. Then she went back into this is the life she knows and the life she's used to. I was like mom you're 65 for Christ Sake you need to move to the East Coast where you have more of a support system.

She says she will think about it but she is hopeful that once the social distancing restrictions ease up that her employer will hire her back to her job at the airport bc she has "seniority" and once she gets hired back she can start saving up maybe for a potential move.

That's sort of where we left the conversation and she proclaimed right before we got off the phone "wow, this is the longest that we've ever talked." I told her that she's stressing me out and I haven't been able to sleep because I'm worried about her and she said yes these are stressful time we are all stressed especially with COVID-19.

Uggh.

She seems open to the idea of moving closer to the kids and I but she made it clear that she doesn't like living on the East Coast. I feel like this is going to be an uphill battle trying to get her to relocate.

Sorry, I'm rambling. It's been a long stressful day and I just don't know how to feel. I sort of feel numb from all the worry and stress.

[Anonymous]

I'm in CA (San Jose). I cam take her to a shelter or a safe parking lot (designed for sleeping) if she is near me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all clueless pps here who can't understand how people are poor! This is how! Generational poverty is a thing. Don't be so smug, you a**holes.
OP is trying to move away from her mom's bad influence and mistakes and in the end, her mom will bring her down. Being born to her mom and dad has already set her life trajectory for the most part. But, then they come to bite you again, and again, and again.

It is appalling that for all the supposed brains and money here people are so ignorant of the real world for many in this country. I guess when you can buy you kid’s way into good schools, you have to separate yourself from reality. They don’t want to be around the unwashed masses, but seem to have a lot of advice about how to deal with them on an affordable individual level.

So much bad advice here (like, mom to VA to live with you, and presto, the problem is solved). IDIOCY.

No one is saying problem is solved. you are being ridiculous! Better to have mom near by than in a parking lot somewhere in CA. There is no simple fix folks thinking outside of box and trying to offer ideas. In fact in many countries everyone just lives together and makes do, kind of what we are suggesting OP does. Not great, but whatelse can she do you can't figure out CA social services for someone living in a car long distance. Hell I'd rather my mom be living on the street in my neighborhood than across the coutnry, at lease I can help her navigate social services locally, feed her and give her a place to be during the day/evening!

It’s the bring her closer TO LIVE WITH OP that I’m objecting to. Yes, it MIGHT be easier to have mom closer. Then again, it sounds like OP had reasons to stay physically separated from Mom even before mom moved to CA. OP cites issues from the age of 14. Sounds like mom might we worse now. Having grandma manipulate grandchildren even if living outside the OP’s home, might be difficult.

Your strong feelings show you have your own issues with your parent(s).

Duh. You’re so smurt.

[Anonymous]

Totally different situation than you but my homeless drug addicted brother called me out of his mind in the middle of the night about 10 years ago from LA. I directed him to go to the hospital and begged for them to take him and hold him for as long as possible. He was suicidal so that kept him there long enough for me to book him a flight to DC. As soon as he was released he somehow convinced someone to drive him to the airport. Ended up on the flight and made it to DC and never looked back. It’s easier to help family when they are living nearby. I was totally helpless when he was in LA. Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Just got off the phone with mom (2 hr conversation).

To be clear she is not asking me for help. She is not asking me for money. She has been reaching out more lately I suppose for emotional support during her stressful situation,

We discussed ALOT tonight. Too much to type plus I don't even know where to start.

For one she clarified that she was reading these pamphlets from the social security benefits office and it does state as a previous pp said that for SSI that the asset cap is $2K and she is allowed to have a car, so that's good.

Tonight I suggested that she move out to VA permanently (not move in with me) but move here closer to the kids and I so we can be her support system and she just kept giving me all these excuses. For example, she doesn't like the East Coast she would consider a move to Arizona or Canada however. WTF?!!

Then she started saying that she wanted to get a job first and save up some money so that she's not coming to VA with limited finances. I suggested per a pp's advice that mom pack up the stuff in her truck (that's all she has to her name) , ship the boxes here and then donate her truck to a charity. She was open to that idea. But then she started backtracking and going in circles.

I flat out told her "mom it sounds like all I'm hearing is excuses" then she broke down and admitted "yeah you're right but this is the life I'm used to it's not easy to make such a drastic change."

Then she mentioned that her sister wants to move from New York to Texas and her sister asked her to move in with her in Texas but Mom doesn't want to move to Texas.

Overall the conversation left me feeling drained and left me feeling like Mom does not really want to change her life.

Oh and the icing on the cake is that I'm on the phone talking with her and this homeless man approaches her truck and starts asking her if he can look in her mirrors to shave his face. He had some kind of razors in his hand and she screamed at him " eave me alone" while I was on the phone. I was like "mom really this is what I'm talking about it's not safe for you to live this way." Then she launched into how she mostly feels safe and only on a few occasions has she felt threatened like when the man tried to snatch her purse. Ughh I just can't with her.

I was trying to remain calm but at one point I got so frustrated and I was like mom why don't you want to live a normal stable life. Then she went back into this is the life she knows and the life she's used to. I was like mom you're 65 for Christ Sake you need to move to the East Coast where you have more of a support system.

She says she will think about it but she is hopeful that once the social distancing restrictions ease up that her employer will hire her back to her job at the airport bc she has "seniority" and once she gets hired back she can start saving up maybe for a potential move.

That's sort of where we left the conversation and she proclaimed right before we got off the phone "wow, this is the longest that we've ever talked." I told her that she's stressing me out and I haven't been able to sleep because I'm worried about her and she said yes these are stressful time we are all stressed especially with COVID-19.

Uggh.

She seems open to the idea of moving closer to the kids and I but she made it clear that she doesn't like living on the East Coast. I feel like this is going to be an uphill battle trying to get her to relocate.

Sorry, I'm rambling. It's been a long stressful day and I just don't know how to feel. I sort of feel numb from all the worry and stress.

Just remember you’re doing all you can now. You’ve offered help. Just keep doing what you can while maintaining the boundaries that have allowed you to get to where you are right now.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the update, OP.

Your mother sounds like the homeless people who refuse to move from their spot outside to go to shelter, even on the coldest nights of the year. They feel deeply out of sync with the world and cling desperately to what feels familiar.

Please remind yourself that you've tried your best. You have offered help, and she has refused it for now. I hope you can sleep better tonight knowing you tried!

I suspect it will take a really bad event to scare your mother into moving near you, or moving at all. It might or might not happen.

You mentioned a brother and now a sister. Can you contact them to hatch out a plan between you, then all three of you persuade your mother to agree to that plan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally different situation than you but my homeless drug addicted brother called me out of his mind in the middle of the night about 10 years ago from LA. I directed him to go to the hospital and begged for them to take him and hold him for as long as possible. He was suicidal so that kept him there long enough for me to book him a flight to DC. As soon as he was released he somehow convinced someone to drive him to the airport. Ended up on the flight and made it to DC and never looked back. It’s easier to help family when they are living nearby. I was totally helpless when he was in LA. Good luck OP!

Wow. You saved him from the brink.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this OP, but I will ask again just in case it’s an option: would your Mom be willing to move to Mexico? It doesn’t have to be Tijuana, but there are some really nice options for California retirees in the Rosarito and Ensenada areas, even if they don’t speak Spanish. I think your Mom possibly could make a nice life there’s on her Social Security. It really is worth considering. Best of luck to you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally different situation than you but my homeless drug addicted brother called me out of his mind in the middle of the night about 10 years ago from LA. I directed him to go to the hospital and begged for them to take him and hold him for as long as possible. He was suicidal so that kept him there long enough for me to book him a flight to DC. As soon as he was released he somehow convinced someone to drive him to the airport. Ended up on the flight and made it to DC and never looked back. It’s easier to help family when they are living nearby. I was totally helpless when he was in LA. Good luck OP!

+1, My MIL was suffering from Dementia but no one knew it. We thought it was another mental health issue. We also weren't sure if she was in a bad situation. My husband flew out, things were odd where she was living and being taken advantage of. He came home and a few weeks later he flew back to take her. She lived with us till we could get her into a facility. Either help or don't. Honestly it sounds like you are looking for someone to send you/her money. CA offers a lot more supports than here. She needs to go to the social service office and get help.

It would take at least a year to a few years to get SSI or SSDI. Her best bet is unemployment, social security or even cash assistance. They can place her in a shelter and get her the help she needs if she wants it and you are not willing to help.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure what others have suggested but CarMax and Carvana immediately came to mind. You can purchase the car online and as long as the title is in her name it will be fine. Only thing is DMV in California is closed indefinitely and not sure what they can do online. Look on the CA DMV website and see how they are handling new car registrations. So sorry you and your mom are going through this. I would be the same way.

Anonymous wrote:Please help. I need urgent advice.

I (single mom of 2) live here in VA. My mom (65 yrs old single woman) lives in CA. She used to work at the airport but lost her job at the beginning of this month due to COVID-19. She immediately filed for unemployment but the unemployment system is overwhelmed and she has not heard anything back.

My uncle in a different state (mom's brother) suggested that she file for early retirement social security benefits, which she did. I believe the age is 66 to get full benefits but since she's 65 she can file now and take a reduced payment.

My mom has been corresponding with the social security retirement benefits fits people over the phone and they have indicated that her first payout will start in May.

In the meantime my mom has lost her apartment and she is currently homeless. She has been sleeping out of her pickup truck but it broke down yesterday. She rented a UHAUL and slept in the UHAUL while the truck was getting fixed at the shop. She picked the truck up from the shop today and drove it for a few hours before it stopped working again this evening.

She is currently sitting in a shopping center parking lot inside of her disabled vehicle. When I pressed her for details about her truck mom says it's a 2010 GM Canyon with 253K miles on it. WTF!!? When I asked about vehicle history mom said that the truck has started to break down alot over the past couple years and that she's put approximately $5K worth of repairs into it. When I strongly suggested to my mom that she purchase a more reliable used vehicle cle with less mileage she responded that a) she has no job and no place to live at the moment and b) in order to collect her full social security retirement benefits she cannot have more than $5k in assets(ie bank accounts, cars etc.)

My mom is literally homeless and living out of a broke down truck right now and I'm freaking out. I'm trying to see how I can help her but it's hard being all the way over here in VA with limited financial resources.

I drive an older model paid off car bc I didn't want a car payment but right now I'm thinking the best thing I can do for mom is to buy her a used vehicle and make the monthly payments for her so at least she has a reliable vehicle to sleep in. What I'm trying to figure out is if I buy the car online and have it delivered to her in California will she have trouble registering the car in CA and obtaining insurance since the title will be in the banks name until I can pay it off and then ultimately in my name since she can't own assets over $5K?

I literally can not sleep from the stress of this situation and to make matters worse my mom told me that she's been riding the LA public transit buses to pass time since she has no where else to go. I asked her to please stay away from the public buses as they could be breeding grounds for her to catch COVID-19. This whole situation is a mess and I'm trying to figure out the best thing to do to help my with limited financial resources s while being all the way over here in VA.

Can anyone offer advice or suggestions?

[Anonymous]

She sounds overwhelmed. When I have been in that type of of situation I have literally been stuck. Paralyzed. I fortunately had friends or relatives physically come and help me. Under the circumstances you obviously can't do it but you might need to get an organization involved. This is such a bad time for this happen though. This is really tough.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Just got off the phone with mom (2 hr conversation).

To be clear she is not asking me for help. She is not asking me for money. She has been reaching out more lately I suppose for emotional support during her stressful situation,

We discussed ALOT tonight. Too much to type plus I don't even know where to start.

For one she clarified that she was reading these pamphlets from the social security benefits office and it does state as a previous pp said that for SSI that the asset cap is $2K and she is allowed to have a car, so that's good.

Tonight I suggested that she move out to VA permanently (not move in with me) but move here closer to the kids and I so we can be her support system and she just kept giving me all these excuses. For example, she doesn't like the East Coast she would consider a move to Arizona or Canada however. WTF?!!

Then she started saying that she wanted to get a job first and save up some money so that she's not coming to VA with limited finances. I suggested per a pp's advice that mom pack up the stuff in her truck (that's all she has to her name) , ship the boxes here and then donate her truck to a charity. She was open to that idea. But then she started backtracking and going in circles.

I flat out told her "mom it sounds like all I'm hearing is excuses" then she broke down and admitted "yeah you're right but this is the life I'm used to it's not easy to make such a drastic change."

Then she mentioned that her sister wants to move from New York to Texas and her sister asked her to move in with her in Texas but Mom doesn't want to move to Texas.

Overall the conversation left me feeling drained and left me feeling like Mom does not really want to change her life.

Oh and the icing on the cake is that I'm on the phone talking with her and this homeless man approaches her truck and starts asking her if he can look in her mirrors to shave his face. He had some kind of razors in his hand and she screamed at him " eave me alone" while I was on the phone. I was like "mom really this is what I'm talking about it's not safe for you to live this way." Then she launched into how she mostly feels safe and only on a few occasions has she felt threatened like when the man tried to snatch her purse. Ughh I just can't with her.

I was trying to remain calm but at one point I got so frustrated and I was like mom why don't you want to live a normal stable life. Then she went back into this is the life she knows and the life she's used to. I was like mom you're 65 for Christ Sake you need to move to the East Coast where you have more of a support system.

She says she will think about it but she is hopeful that once the social distancing restrictions ease up that her employer will hire her back to her job at the airport bc she has "seniority" and once she gets hired back she can start saving up maybe for a potential move.

That's sort of where we left the conversation and she proclaimed right before we got off the phone "wow, this is the longest that we've ever talked." I told her that she's stressing me out and I haven't been able to sleep because I'm worried about her and she said yes these are stressful time we are all stressed especially with COVID-19.

Uggh.

She seems open to the idea of moving closer to the kids and I but she made it clear that she doesn't like living on the East Coast. I feel like this is going to be an uphill battle trying to get her to relocate.

Sorry, I'm rambling. It's been a long stressful day and I just don't know how to feel. I sort of feel numb from all the worry and stress.