How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters - in marriage, or other areas of life, are not people who care about others in general. They lack empathy, so of course they don't care about how it affects kids.

If "sex" is the issue then be a grownup and ask for an open marriage or get a divorce. Cheating is the juvenile path of cowards.

This is ridiculous, yet totally emblematic of black and white judgement, thinking and advice on DCUM. Lots of people cheat at some point in their lives.... LOTS. You're saying they don't care about their kids, families, spouses? That's just absurd on its face.

One of the reasons for "cheating" is that the cheater DOES care about their family. They care about their kids and they care about their spouse, but they're maybe not getting their needs met within the relationship.

Then divorce you say? Go back to why they are cheating in the place instead of divorcing. They don't want to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. They may love and care about their families and don't want to get divorced or break up their family unit.

Then don't get married, you say? Marriages evolve, people evolve and change. Affection and intimacy wane and die, or someone works too much, or one partner stops wanting to have sex or whatever... You can script life in a logical flowchart as to how it SHOULD work, but it falls apart when you add people and real life.

Stop being so judgmental. You don't know what goes on in the hearts of the 50% of the population that cheats at some point.

So many people don't cheat in long term marriages. It is about you, not your marriage/spouse/kids etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters - in marriage, or other areas of life, are not people who care about others in general. They lack empathy, so of course they don't care about how it affects kids.

If "sex" is the issue then be a grownup and ask for an open marriage or get a divorce. Cheating is the juvenile path of cowards.

This is ridiculous, yet totally emblematic of black and white judgement, thinking and advice on DCUM. Lots of people cheat at some point in their lives.... LOTS. You're saying they don't care about their kids, families, spouses? That's just absurd on its face.

One of the reasons for "cheating" is that the cheater DOES care about their family. They care about their kids and they care about their spouse, but they're maybe not getting their needs met within the relationship.

Then divorce you say? Go back to why they are cheating in the place instead of divorcing. They don't want to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. They may love and care about their families and don't want to get divorced or break up their family unit.

Then don't get married, you say? Marriages evolve, people evolve and change. Affection and intimacy wane and die, or someone works too much, or one partner stops wanting to have sex or whatever... You can script life in a logical flowchart as to how it SHOULD work, but it falls apart when you add people and real life.

Stop being so judgmental. You don't know what goes on in the hearts of the 50% of the population that cheats at some point.

That is some serious mental gymnastics... your gonna pull a hammy

[Anonymous]

^LOL

[Anonymous]

Then divorce you say? Go back to why they are cheating in the place instead of divorcing. They don't want to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. They may love and care about their families and don't want to get divorced or break up their family unit.

No. Just, no. Cheating is a passive aggressive way of blowing up a marriage. You are choosing to do something that is a dealbreaker, intentionally deceiving your spouse in the hope that they find out and make the decision to end the marriage for you. That is what a coward does. A coward is someone who is too afraid to face the consequences of their actions. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Then divorce you say? Go back to why they are cheating in the place instead of divorcing. They don't want to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. They may love and care about their families and don't want to get divorced or break up their family unit.

No. Just, no. Cheating is a passive aggressive way of blowing up a marriage. You are choosing to do something that is a dealbreaker, intentionally deceiving your spouse in the hope that they find out and make the decision to end the marriage for you. That is what a coward does. A coward is someone who is too afraid to face the consequences of their actions. Full stop.

You have the sequence wrong. Follow carefully:
1. One spouse stops wanting sex
2. Normal libido spouse cheats

The marriage already “blew up” at step 1. The rejecting partner SHOULD initiate the divorce before step 2 ever happens. I mean if a spouse is so terrible that you don’t even want sex with him, then get divorced already!!! Don’t be a sexless coward. Face the consequences of your sexless action. Full stop. There is no step 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ my thoughts as well. I think kids deserve honesty and have a real discussion. They should know they can come
to you with questions/concerns.

Mmm, they should also know that mom is frigid too. Gotta tell the whole truth so they don't think you can get married and expect to be roommates.

I remember that my uncle blurted it out to me in front of my aunt. I never blamed him for the demise of the marriage or his cheating. He was sexually frustrated. Of course, the whole encounter was awkward.

It would be strange to do so since this is directly discussing your sex life but it's your call whether this provides a good reason why their family is dissolved. You do you.

It sounds like you have a family reference for how to handle s situations in a marriage and so you that is your goto solution as well (uncle cheating).

I am the poster that this happened too. I am single and a woman. My po3is that it was awkward.

[Anonymous]

To/point

[Anonymous]

Maybe she has told him many times that she is not happy that he's not doing xyz or doing abc, but he's not listening.

Then she should divorce her horrible non-listening husband with whom she is so unhappy.

Maybe sex isn't important to her, but fidelity and the family unit are, and that's why she doesn't cheat.

Fidelity is just sex so you cannot claim that just ONE of these is important but not the other. You wrongly intersperse “the family unit” into unrelated statements. In fact, the family unit is destroyed by denial of sex and is saved by infidelity, so you have that all backwards.

Fidelity is not a need, but to say that if the spouse doesn't put out, then fidelity should not be expected is saying that even if you are super angry with the spouse, you should still put out, and just lay there because he will otherwise cheat is kind of rapey.

The angry spouse who doesn’t want sex should address the source of anger and if that’s not possible then divorce. She should not stay angry AND sexlessly married AND expect continued fidelity.

Maybe if both sides could sit and talk rationally it might help get to the root of the issue. I think for the most part, some of these "cheaters" make very little effort to really work on the marriage, thinking they are the victims and feel they have every right to cheat.

The sexless spouse clearly knows that the other spouse wants sex. What exactly is there to talk about? Oh you must mean the sexless spouse should be talking about why she’s so angry? Good advice, although misdirected. Sounds like you should be lecturing the “victims of a cheating husband” about how they need to sit and talk and work on the marriage instead of staying angry, sexlessly married, not divorcing, yet wondering why he is cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe she has told him many times that she is not happy that he's not doing xyz or doing abc, but he's not listening.

Then she should divorce her horrible non-listening husband with whom she is so unhappy.

Maybe sex isn't important to her, but fidelity and the family unit are, and that's why she doesn't cheat.

Fidelity is just sex so you cannot claim that just ONE of these is important but not the other. You wrongly intersperse “the family unit” into unrelated statements. In fact, the family unit is destroyed by denial of sex and is saved by infidelity, so you have that all backwards.

Fidelity is not a need, but to say that if the spouse doesn't put out, then fidelity should not be expected is saying that even if you are super angry with the spouse, you should still put out, and just lay there because he will otherwise cheat is kind of rapey.

The angry spouse who doesn’t want sex should address the source of anger and if that’s not possible then divorce. She should not stay angry AND sexlessly married AND expect continued fidelity.

Maybe if both sides could sit and talk rationally it might help get to the root of the issue. I think for the most part, some of these "cheaters" make very little effort to really work on the marriage, thinking they are the victims and feel they have every right to cheat.

The sexless spouse clearly knows that the other spouse wants sex. What exactly is there to talk about? Oh you must mean the sexless spouse should be talking about why she’s so angry? Good advice, although misdirected. Sounds like you should be lecturing the “victims of a cheating husband” about how they need to sit and talk and work on the marriage instead of staying angry, sexlessly married, not divorcing, yet wondering why he is cheating.

NP here. You really have contorted yourself into a huge knot of rationalizations.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's pretty amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe she has told him many times that she is not happy that he's not doing xyz or doing abc, but he's not listening.

Then she should divorce her horrible non-listening husband with whom she is so unhappy.

Maybe sex isn't important to her, but fidelity and the family unit are, and that's why she doesn't cheat.

Fidelity is just sex so you cannot claim that just ONE of these is important but not the other. You wrongly intersperse “the family unit” into unrelated statements. In fact, the family unit is destroyed by denial of sex and is saved by infidelity, so you have that all backwards.

Fidelity is not a need, but to say that if the spouse doesn't put out, then fidelity should not be expected is saying that even if you are super angry with the spouse, you should still put out, and just lay there because he will otherwise cheat is kind of rapey.

The angry spouse who doesn’t want sex should address the source of anger and if that’s not possible then divorce. She should not stay angry AND sexlessly married AND expect continued fidelity.

Maybe if both sides could sit and talk rationally it might help get to the root of the issue. I think for the most part, some of these "cheaters" make very little effort to really work on the marriage, thinking they are the victims and feel they have every right to cheat.

The sexless spouse clearly knows that the other spouse wants sex. What exactly is there to talk about? Oh you must mean the sexless spouse should be talking about why she’s so angry? Good advice, although misdirected. Sounds like you should be lecturing the “victims of a cheating husband” about how they need to sit and talk and work on the marriage instead of staying angry, sexlessly married, not divorcing, yet wondering why he is cheating.

NP here. You really have contorted yourself into a huge knot of rationalizations.

Me: expose multiple levels of hypocrisy and avoidance of accountability from PP
You: have no logical counter argument, dislike hearing the truth, resort to dismissive hand wave

[Anonymous]

^no you just sound bitter. Seriously get help for your bitterness. You don’t sound logical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^no you just sound bitter. Seriously get help for your bitterness. You don’t sound logical.

You just do not like my position: a sexless person must bring forth the reasons for their sexlessess, divorce, or accept infidelity.
Your position is simply the biased inverse: a cheater must (somehow!) ascertain/fix why their spouse doesn't want sex, divorce, or accept celibacy.

You not liking my position does not make my bitter, illogical, in need of help. I could make same childish claims of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^no you just sound bitter. Seriously get help for your bitterness. You don’t sound logical.

You just do not like my position: a sexless person must bring forth the reasons for their sexlessess, divorce, or accept infidelity.
Your position is simply the biased inverse: a cheater must (somehow!) ascertain/fix why their spouse doesn't want sex, divorce, or accept celibacy.

You not liking my position does not make my bitter, illogical, in need of help. I could make same childish claims of you.

This may be difficult for you but it’s not complicated. You made a vow and you are breaking or have broken it. You say you do it or did it because of what someone else is/was doing. That is the excuse of a child: “but they made me do it!” As an adult, you can only control what you do and only you control what you do. You cheat or cheated. You. Simple, perhaps difficult for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sex life is none of my kid's business. Cheating needs to be done with the utmost discretion so as not to get caught and have a negative effect on any number of people. But no, sorry, having children does not stop me from cheating. I do a lot of adult things without regard for my children. And they are fine for not knowing of these adult things.

I truly don't understand how you can't think that cheating on the mother or father of your children is the same as any other "adult" thing. Or that how many times you have sex with your spouse, which doesn't impact your children, is the same as how many times you have sex with other people outside your marriage. You cheaters really are just delusional.