Working parents - feel like I spend no time with my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you feel that way because you aren’t spending any time with your kids. A rushed hour in the morning. And another in the evening isn’t quality time. And contrary to what many believe, quantity matters as well. Only you can decide if it’s worth it. For us, no amount of money would have ever been worth it. My kids are grown. And it happened faster than I could have possibly imagined. No private school or fancy vacation would have been worth missing that time with our children.

This is why I decided to sah. It works for our family and I am happy to be home.

This is true. I chose not to work full-time, but went to 15 to 20 hours a week. And I'm so glad I did because now they are in high school and it happened in a blink of an eye.

I have a feeling your kids grow up in a blink of an eye regardless of whether you work or not.

And again, working isn’t just about the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't believe the responses on this thread about flexible work.

Hey, America, are you having trouble combining family and caregiving? Well, guess what, it is ALL YOUR FAULT! There is a flexible job out there for EVERY MOM in this country. Employers are dying for you to come in late, leave early, work from home, and take tons of vacation and sick time. All you have to do is ASK! This is America, after all, the country where we definitely prioritize caregiving and working families!

Nobody is saying that. But if the OP is worth $200,000 a year, it's a possibility that she AND/OR HER HUSBAND could find something that paid less and had more flexibility. It is more and more commonplace for employers to offer or consider more PTO, telework or flexible hours in lieu of high salaries.

And yes, I believe women should work precisely so that a) they can work to create more family friendly policies at their places of business and b) as their husbands shoulder more of the unpaid work, THEY can work for more family friendly policies. And families that use childcare create and support jobs for paid caregivers, putting more people to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you feel that way because you aren’t spending any time with your kids. A rushed hour in the morning. And another in the evening isn’t quality time. And contrary to what many believe, quantity matters as well. Only you can decide if it’s worth it. For us, no amount of money would have ever been worth it. My kids are grown. And it happened faster than I could have possibly imagined. No private school or fancy vacation would have been worth missing that time with our children.

This is why I decided to sah. It works for our family and I am happy to be home.

This is true. I chose not to work full-time, but went to 15 to 20 hours a week. And I'm so glad I did because now they are in high school and it happened in a blink of an eye.

I have a feeling your kids grow up in a blink of an eye regardless of whether you work or not.

And again, working isn’t just about the money.

+1 My kids are all in middle and high school now; yes, they've gotten so big in the blink of an eye, but I don't regret for one minute that our daycare provider changed some of those diapers and took them to storytime at the library. Not a single SAHM friend I know has even tried to convince me that I missed out on my kids' childhood. What I did miss was being able to put in long hours as PTA president or organizing fundraisers, which was an ok tradeoff for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people on here who are responding to OP with dogmatic chirps about how important it is to work outside the home. It is making me feel like I am the only working mom who has the occasional existential crisis. I enjoy my career and am well compensated, but I am not curing cancer. I'm probably not making the world a better place through my job. I sometimes wonder if I'd contribute more to the world by staying home and raising my kids. The SAHM shaming makes me cringe for so many reasons, but chief among them is the implicit assumption that we're all doing something phenomenal outside the home.

I agree with you. And I've done both - sahm and wohm. I'm also not the type of person who finds my identity in my job, or my kids.

[Anonymous]

I quit. I was happier. I was making 1/2 of what you make (80K) many years ago. I have been really happy and fulfilled with my kids. Did not pay for their private schools but the kiddos did well and went to highly competetive public magnets.

Impressed with every working mom who can juggle it all. Kudos! It was not the life I wanted. We cut back for some years and then DH started to do pretty well at work and so I guess we did alright. Not the mega rich here, but pretty great from where we started for. We will be making 200K post retirement (not counting SS) after taxes, inflation adjusted and not counting our other savings.

[Anonymous]

No you don't spend as much time as you would if you SAH. But, this is the sacrifice you make and there are other compensations of being a dual income home.

[Anonymous]

I have not read through the whole thread; I anticipate many answers would just piss me off from both sides of the WOH/SAH fence.

First, when they are so little and go to bed early, it does feel like not enough time. As they get older, you have more time with them in the evening.

That said, my honest answer is that I did switch jobs not long after I had my second child. I found a 3/4 time job. It was a small financial hit but we weathered it. My kids are in school and this schedule allows me to skip aftercare on two days a week and have some flexibility, so that I can make events during the school day sometimes, take my kids to their activities. I take the day and stay home when my kids are sick. I feel like I have the best of both worlds. I love my job but I also feel like I get to spend a lot of time with my kids when they are not in school.

I know not everyone can find this, but if you can look into any options for flexibility while your kids are young, it's worth it. If not, just know that many of us have been there and we get it. Hugs OP.

[Anonymous]

I am a WOHM but the life OP describes would not be worth it to me. Flexibility is key when you have kids. And by that I mean the ability to come in late or leave early fairly regularly (and make it up at night) and WFH 1-2x a week.

My question is where is the DH in this?

My DH and I work staggered schedules to minimize childcare hours to 25-30 per week (half of which is spent napping anyway). And we each WFH a different day in the week so we can take the kids to various classes. He makes over $200k and I make $150k which is pretty good in our early-mid 30s.

I think it’s sad when women have to quit their jobs solely because their neanderthal husbands refuse to do something more flexible. It’s nice for kids to spend one-on-one time with their dads too (not just occasional “babysitting” time like DHs of SAHMs do). It’s also nice for them to see both parents be equal partners at home and helping each other achieve their goals outside the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM but the life OP describes would not be worth it to me. Flexibility is key when you have kids. And by that I mean the ability to come in late or leave early fairly regularly (and make it up at night) and WFH 1-2x a week.

My question is where is the DH in this?

My DH and I work staggered schedules to minimize childcare hours to 25-30 per week (half of which is spent napping anyway). And we each WFH a different day in the week so we can take the kids to various classes. He makes over $200k and I make $150k which is pretty good in our early-mid 30s.

I think it’s sad when women have to quit their jobs solely because their neanderthal husbands refuse to do something more flexible. It’s nice for kids to spend one-on-one time with their dads too (not just occasional “babysitting” time like DHs of SAHMs do). It’s also nice for them to see both parents be equal partners at home and helping each other achieve their goals outside the home.

This!!!!

[Anonymous]

DH and I have always staggered our hours to limit time in day care and to prevent the need for before or after care. But not all families are able to do that. I know that there are flexible jobs out there but many of those jobs require a certain level of education or specific skill set (requiring a certain type/level of training), and a hit in pay. Neither DH or I care about moving into management or business development or the other pathways for advancement at work. We are both aware that this means that we are not likely to see increases in our salaries but are ok with that. We are not interested in the extra hours and a less flexible schedule that such a move would mean in our jobs.

But there are people who find more satisfaction from advancing at work or working in jobs that are more high pressure or challenging for them. And those jobs are less likely to allow the flexibility to reduce kids time in day care or after care.

And that is their call.

The OP is clearly someone who has a good amount of success in her field and seems to be happy there. She is feeling that conflict that a lot of parents do. Who knows what her DH is feeling, her post was about her feelings and not a complaint about her DH. She wants more time with her baby and other child but doesn't seem to be willing to give up a job that she loves.

It was not a complaint that her DH is not pulling his weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM but the life OP describes would not be worth it to me. Flexibility is key when you have kids. And by that I mean the ability to come in late or leave early fairly regularly (and make it up at night) and WFH 1-2x a week.

My question is where is the DH in this?

My DH and I work staggered schedules to minimize childcare hours to 25-30 per week (half of which is spent napping anyway). And we each WFH a different day in the week so we can take the kids to various classes. He makes over $200k and I make $150k which is pretty good in our early-mid 30s.

I think it’s sad when women have to quit their jobs solely because their neanderthal husbands refuse to do something more flexible. It’s nice for kids to spend one-on-one time with their dads too (not just occasional “babysitting” time like DHs of SAHMs do). It’s also nice for them to see both parents be equal partners at home and helping each other achieve their goals outside the home.

This!!!!

Why do some supposedly happy WOHMs make comments like this about other people's realities? This is not the reality for many SAHMs who have involved, caring dads who are present in their kids' lives, who help out 50 50 with chores when home, who support their wives' goals. And on the flip side, disinterested workaholic and unhelpful husbands are the reality for some WOHMs who have the burden of an unequal partnership AND full time jobs. Every relationship is different but let's not paint all families with one brush.

[Anonymous]

Even if OP's husband quit to become a SAHD, it wouldn't solve her own desire to spend more time with her child and it wouldn't help the financial situation. At the end of the day, OP wants the nice lifestyle that their two incomes are providing. There's no easy way to get around this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can your nanny bring your baby in during your lunch or another break that is blocked off? You make x amount of money you should be able to put 30 minutes on your calendar that is a non-negotiable especially if you are having to come in early and stay late plus working 8 hours plus.

That gives you one:one time with the baby and since you only see your baby for 30 minutes at night, you get more time. After your baby goes to sleep, you can do one:one with the older kid.

Make weekends 100% about the kids for awhile.

And I know this is an unpopular opinion, but co-sleeping with infants, (essentially doing skin to skin) especially since yours is 6+ plus does help with bonding for working parents.

Your other option is to get up earlier and be ready before they wake up and spend that hour playing and interacting with them.

OP, is this a possibility for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you feel that way because you aren’t spending any time with your kids. A rushed hour in the morning. And another in the evening isn’t quality time. And contrary to what many believe, quantity matters as well. Only you can decide if it’s worth it. For us, no amount of money would have ever been worth it. My kids are grown. And it happened faster than I could have possibly imagined. No private school or fancy vacation would have been worth missing that time with our children.

This is why I decided to sah. It works for our family and I am happy to be home.

+1. I work part time at a job I love, but if it wasn’t part-time and I didn’t love it, I wouldn’t do it. It’s not just quality time. As a PP said, quantity matters too. You’re indispensable to your children but probably not to your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM but the life OP describes would not be worth it to me. Flexibility is key when you have kids. And by that I mean the ability to come in late or leave early fairly regularly (and make it up at night) and WFH 1-2x a week.

My question is where is the DH in this?

My DH and I work staggered schedules to minimize childcare hours to 25-30 per week (half of which is spent napping anyway). And we each WFH a different day in the week so we can take the kids to various classes. He makes over $200k and I make $150k which is pretty good in our early-mid 30s.

I think it’s sad when women have to quit their jobs solely because their neanderthal husbands refuse to do something more flexible. It’s nice for kids to spend one-on-one time with their dads too (not just occasional “babysitting” time like DHs of SAHMs do). It’s also nice for them to see both parents be equal partners at home and helping each other achieve their goals outside the home.

This!!!!

Why do some supposedly happy WOHMs make comments like this about other people's realities? This is not the reality for many SAHMs who have involved, caring dads who are present in their kids' lives, who help out 50 50 with chores when home, who support their wives' goals. And on the flip side, disinterested workaholic and unhelpful husbands are the reality for some WOHMs who have the burden of an unequal partnership AND full time jobs. Every relationship is different but let's not paint all families with one brush.

My post was not about all SAHMs, only the ones who enjoyed working but we’re essentially forced to quit because their DH prioritized career advancement over family time. I mean, I miss my kids too, but if they can’t be with me then knowing they’re with their Dad for a good chunk of the day makes me feel better. If DH had been unwilling to negotiate flexibility with his employer then I would probably have quit. And anyway, it’s good for the workforce if men also force their employers to promote work-life balance.