Working parents - feel like I spend no time with my kids

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It’s not a zero sum game.

You could look for a part time that pays less and is more flexible. Your kids would still get some financial benefits like vacations and possibly private school.

It’s nit just work at your current job or quit and take a 200K hit. There is a world of options in-between. Start exploring them.

This. So many SAHMs never even explored flexible arrangements. Start looking into finding a new job or flexibility from your current employer. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Really? Many of us tried and were told no. Or, we didn't have that kind of income where we could hire a nanny and make it work. You are pretty clueless. I had absolutely no flexibility.

How many jobs did you apply for?

NP. 1) So many people on this site say they have a flexible job, when what they really have is a job where they are in the office 9-5, have to work from home at night and on the weekends, and have a decent amount of sick/vacation time that they can take for various things. If you are happy with that, great. But that's not what most SAHM-types think of as flexible.

2) So is OP - who is already strapped for time - supposed to spend the next few months endlessly applying for jobs and going to interviews....? How does that help her not miss out on infancy?

This is false.

No it's not! I've seen it so many times. Someone goes on an on about their flexible job, and then they finally clarify that they are really like a doctor that has gone "part-time" (so, still 50 hours), or they are a lawyer who used to work til 8 pm in the office everynight, but now they leave at 5, do dinner bath and bedtime, then get back on the computer. Or they have one telework day a week, where they are working a full 8+ hrs but get to see their kids a little more in the morning and evening, and they call that flexible.

Whatever makes you feel better about not working.

I have a truly flexible job. 10 min commute. Complete flexibility - come and go whenever I please. Co-workers do the same and we schedule meetings etc around our schedules. I travel a few times a year, short trips, and never work on Fridays. Make about 100k.

I'm lucky, but far from alone. For example, my kid plays on a soccer team with practice starting at 4pm. We rotated which parent was there to help out - 75% of these moms work, and everyone was able to show up. SAHMs refuse to believe flexibility exists because their husbands convince them it's impossible or they never got senior enough to have it as an option.

NP Oh gosh I've seen this brought up so many times. It's completely false. No our husbands don't tell us what to do, no we aren't stupid unlike smart you and don't know about flexible options. We just made a different choice than you, for a wide variety of reasons. I walked away from a stimulating career with flexibility because I preferred to be a SAHM. Full stop. It wasn't because of my husband or because I didn't understand about choices or because I wasn't senior.

This.

Most SAHMs I know (parents at my kids private school) are highly educated and were at the top of their fields when they left. I get that there are many women in this country who SAH because they are not in a marriage of equals, or because their income won't cover childcare, or because they never had the resume to get the job they wanted - but those women are few and far between in this area. SAHMs in urban areas like DC are increasingly likely to be highly educated and wealthy (wish I still had the citation for this but there have been some NYT articles).

Even worse to be a SAHM when you're highly educated.

Why? Is it ok to retire and play golf when you are highly educated? Is it ok to become a chef or write a novel or take time off to persue some other passion when you are highly educated? Or once you receive that education are you locked into working in that field until you die.

And speaking of dying, is it ok to die young? What about people who are highly educated that die by suicide or from participating in risky activities like skiing or riding motorcycles? Is that ok?

The truth is that I never see these things disparaged as wasting an education. However, when a woman wants to take a few years off to take care of her children, suddenly her spot in med school/law school/Ivy League college should have been given to a man. Why is that?

Because the man will most likely work from ages 25-6 through 60 plus. Many women who drop out of the workforce never return. It’s a huge waste of resources to attend law or medical school to only practice for say,, 5 years.

That’s actually not true. Most highly educated women who drop out go back and work later into life than their male counterparts.
But that isn’t the point. The point is, is it ok for Micheal Creighton not to practice medicine? Is it ok for Ken Jeong to be an actor? And if thise things are ok, then why isn’t it ok to be a SAHM?

How is this a question? Because both men are still working, not dropping out of the workforce to raise babies. Look, I'm all in favor of people following their bliss, but it's a problem when the people who are finding their bliss in unpaid work are overwhelmingly women.

Then maybe talk to the men who aren't finding their bliss?

[Anonymous]

OP, one important thing to keep in mind is that having it all at the same time is a myth and there is no such thing as "balance." Balance implies that there are equal resources given to work life and home life, and it rarely feels that way. There are days when I feel like I'm dropping the ball at work and/or at home. There are other days where I feel like I am absolutely on top of my game in all respects. But there is never a balance. It's more of a juggle. It was really overwhelming to feel that way when my kids were small and I had just returned to work after maternity leave. I felt like I must be doing something wrong or I couldn't handle being a working mother because it didn't feel like I had a good work/life "balance." As soon as I accepted it for what it was - an ever-changing juggling act - I was able to take it in stride and figure out what worked best for me.

The key is find a way to juggle everything so that over the span of a day/week/month (whatever length of time you want to use) it feels "manageable." What that means to you will be different than what it means to me. And it will change over time based upon the needs of your family and your job.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of people on here who are responding to OP with dogmatic chirps about how important it is to work outside the home. It is making me feel like I am the only working mom who has the occasional existential crisis. I enjoy my career and am well compensated, but I am not curing cancer. I'm probably not making the world a better place through my job. I sometimes wonder if I'd contribute more to the world by staying home and raising my kids. The SAHM shaming makes me cringe for so many reasons, but chief among them is the implicit assumption that we're all doing something phenomenal outside the home.

[Anonymous]

Comes down to a better work/life balance in this country. If we could have a REAL maternity leave when a baby is born, if we know we could leave work every day by 5pm, if we knew we had school day holidays off too, if we knew we had a real summer vacation (not just a week) -- then we would stay at our jobs. Dads of course would be able to do all of the above as well. But as women, we are torn when we have none of the above. It's very hard to do everything. And we have a lot to contribute. We are more educated than ever and we bring so much to the American workforce. I just wish it was easier to stay at our jobs because a lot of us want them -- but the challenge of having none of the above is hard. Although obviously do-able, but doesn't make life easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you feel that way because you aren’t spending any time with your kids. A rushed hour in the morning. And another in the evening isn’t quality time. And contrary to what many believe, quantity matters as well. Only you can decide if it’s worth it. For us, no amount of money would have ever been worth it. My kids are grown. And it happened faster than I could have possibly imagined. No private school or fancy vacation would have been worth missing that time with our children.

This is why I decided to sah. It works for our family and I am happy to be home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you feel that way because you aren’t spending any time with your kids. A rushed hour in the morning. And another in the evening isn’t quality time. And contrary to what many believe, quantity matters as well. Only you can decide if it’s worth it. For us, no amount of money would have ever been worth it. My kids are grown. And it happened faster than I could have possibly imagined. No private school or fancy vacation would have been worth missing that time with our children.

This is why I decided to sah. It works for our family and I am happy to be home.

NP, and it's also why DH and I *both* chose flexible jobs that afford us the ability for quantity and quality time with our kids. We're sacrificing fancy and some of the "best" things, but are mostly really happy with what that choice affords us, and are grateful that we have that option.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm a lawyer and was formerly biglaw, so my current job that pays over $200k and has me in the office from 9-5:30 but rarely on weekends is a big improvement. It is flexible in the sense that I can take my kids for their checkups and come to their room parties and skip out early for soccer practice from time to time, but I pay for those things with my promotion track and questions about my "commitment" to the job even though my hours are the same as anyone else's.

OP, I would counsel you to stick it out. I found the absolute hardest time was when my second was a baby and my oldest not very far from the baby stage herself. This will improve and you will have a different perspective in only a few more months because they change so fast. Hang on to that high paying job and save as much as possible. It will buy you more flexibility when they're older, which is when they really start to need YOU the parent not just you the caregiver.

+1. Really, infants don't *need* you; they just need a trusted family member/caregiver to meet their physical needs. I only have an elementary-aged child, but parents of teens say that that's the stage where they need their parents emotionally/psychologically, and that it's actually pretty important to be available at that stage.

Wow.

My reaction exactly. A cat is a better mother.

Give me a break. An infant needs a caring and stable caregiver. That caregiver doesn't have to be a mother. Either you're willfully ignorant or trying to justify your lifestyle, or both.

An infant will bond with his caregiver. If you're okay with that being someone you pay, who doesn't love him/her, then more power to you. I guarantee those teens years will go much better if the child is CONNECTED to his/her parents.

LOL yes, not changing every diaper and feeding every bottle means no connection when they're teenagers. Do you hear yourself? In fact they'll probably be more likely to resent you smothering them ...

+1. My own mother was a psycho helicopter mom and smotherer. She truly thought any woman working wasn’t raising her kids. She thinks in extremes. What I learned from my childhood was that staying home may not be best for children.

+1 Same experience with my SAHM. She was not happy at home, and resented us at times.

I also notice that as children get older, let's say 5-6, they have much more complex socioemotional needs and want to be with someone who knows them best. For a toddler/preschooler, you need to choose someone they have good chemistry with and who is loving, caring, and stable. Most young children in other countries are raised by extended family, anyway, not the biological mother. It is preferable to have someone who can give them full attention -- often a SAHP is juggling chores/errands/cooking/cleaning, etc. They love being cared for in their home environment if possible, and keeping their routines attuned to their individual needs. That's it. Very young infants is a different story, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a zero sum game.

You could look for a part time that pays less and is more flexible. Your kids would still get some financial benefits like vacations and possibly private school.

It’s nit just work at your current job or quit and take a 200K hit. There is a world of options in-between. Start exploring them.

This. So many SAHMs never even explored flexible arrangements. Start looking into finding a new job or flexibility from your current employer. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Really? Many of us tried and were told no. Or, we didn't have that kind of income where we could hire a nanny and make it work. You are pretty clueless. I had absolutely no flexibility.

How many jobs did you apply for?

NP. 1) So many people on this site say they have a flexible job, when what they really have is a job where they are in the office 9-5, have to work from home at night and on the weekends, and have a decent amount of sick/vacation time that they can take for various things. If you are happy with that, great. But that's not what most SAHM-types think of as flexible.

2) So is OP - who is already strapped for time - supposed to spend the next few months endlessly applying for jobs and going to interviews....? How does that help her not miss out on infancy?

This is false.

No it's not! I've seen it so many times. Someone goes on an on about their flexible job, and then they finally clarify that they are really like a doctor that has gone "part-time" (so, still 50 hours), or they are a lawyer who used to work til 8 pm in the office everynight, but now they leave at 5, do dinner bath and bedtime, then get back on the computer. Or they have one telework day a week, where they are working a full 8+ hrs but get to see their kids a little more in the morning and evening, and they call that flexible.

Whatever makes you feel better about not working.

I have a truly flexible job. 10 min commute. Complete flexibility - come and go whenever I please. Co-workers do the same and we schedule meetings etc around our schedules. I travel a few times a year, short trips, and never work on Fridays. Make about 100k.

I'm lucky, but far from alone. For example, my kid plays on a soccer team with practice starting at 4pm. We rotated which parent was there to help out - 75% of these moms work, and everyone was able to show up. SAHMs refuse to believe flexibility exists because their husbands convince them it's impossible or they never got senior enough to have it as an option.

This is more or less my situation. It is luck and also a lot of hard work to get there. Also, realizing over the years that the flexibility IS the pay.

[Anonymous]

For all the women on here disparaging other women who have made the CHOICE to stay home: all I hear is your internalized misogyny devaluing her labor. America doesn't respect women and certainly doesn't respect care-taking of the paid and unpaid variety, most of which is done by women. Before you go off on how regressive it is to stay home, think carefully about why you believe that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you feel that way because you aren’t spending any time with your kids. A rushed hour in the morning. And another in the evening isn’t quality time. And contrary to what many believe, quantity matters as well. Only you can decide if it’s worth it. For us, no amount of money would have ever been worth it. My kids are grown. And it happened faster than I could have possibly imagined. No private school or fancy vacation would have been worth missing that time with our children.

This is why I decided to sah. It works for our family and I am happy to be home.

This is true. I chose not to work full-time, but went to 15 to 20 hours a week. And I'm so glad I did because now they are in high school and it happened in a blink of an eye.

[Anonymous]

Op - you need to pull out a physical calendar and choose a date, 6 months from now, to worry about this.

[Anonymous]

Can't believe the responses on this thread about flexible work.

Hey, America, are you having trouble combining family and caregiving? Well, guess what, it is ALL YOUR FAULT! There is a flexible job out there for EVERY MOM in this country. Employers are dying for you to come in late, leave early, work from home, and take tons of vacation and sick time. All you have to do is ASK! This is America, after all, the country where we definitely prioritize caregiving and working families!

[Anonymous]

^combining work and caregiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't believe the responses on this thread about flexible work.

Hey, America, are you having trouble combining family and caregiving? Well, guess what, it is ALL YOUR FAULT! There is a flexible job out there for EVERY MOM in this country. Employers are dying for you to come in late, leave early, work from home, and take tons of vacation and sick time. All you have to do is ASK! This is America, after all, the country where we definitely prioritize caregiving and working families!

Let me guess. You’ve never even looked for a flexible job. You think we are all lying or extreme cases.

Corporate America has terrible maternity policies but it’s increasingly flexible due to this invention called the internet. There are millions of remote jobs across the country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't believe the responses on this thread about flexible work.

Hey, America, are you having trouble combining family and caregiving? Well, guess what, it is ALL YOUR FAULT! There is a flexible job out there for EVERY MOM in this country. Employers are dying for you to come in late, leave early, work from home, and take tons of vacation and sick time. All you have to do is ASK! This is America, after all, the country where we definitely prioritize caregiving and working families!

Another SAHM who thinks it’s black or white.

It’s not leaving early or late. It’s working a reduced schedule.

It’s not taking tons of vacation or sick time. It’s having enough to get your kids to the doctor and remain employed. Also you should have a spouse with sick leave.

Working from home is extremely common.

Keep in mind this board tends to be mostly educated white people.