Working parents - feel like I spend no time with my kids

[Anonymous]

I went back to work after having my second at the beginning of August. I was very lucky to be off for 6 months and it was truly wonderful to be able to spend some quality time with both kids. Now that I am back at work I am miserable over the fact that I barely get to see my kids, and now my time with them is divided in half which makes me feel even worse. I have a high paid but inflexible job where I need to be in the office daily from 9am to 6pm, with occasional early mornings or late nights a couple times per month. With my commit I am out the door by 8am (drop the older one at school first) and home between 6:30-6:45pm. We have a wonderful nanny... but I see my kids for an hour in the morning (while I am also getting ready for work), then the baby for 30 mins at night and the older one for an hour or so. It’s just not enough time, and the older one is having a particularly hard time readjusting after I was off for so long.

I was actually happy to be back at work after my first but it feels different this time around. I know how quickly time passes and it feels like I am missing so much.

DH says I can quit if I am miserable, problem is I make a really good salary (over $200K) and it would majorly impact our quality of life if I don’t work. We are planning to send the kids to private, we like to take a nice vacation each year, and we put a lot into their college savings, among other things. By working I am giving my kids opportunity they wouldn’t otherwise have. I do like it, I just don’t have any flexibility, which I am not likely to get at my current salary.

Is anyone else in this situation - you don’t want to work but are stuck because you need to financially? Did anyone leave their job and cut back on spending in a big way and not regret it?

[Anonymous]

Find a more flexible job. Possibly telework. Try to go part time.

[Anonymous]

Do whatever you want. Don't put it on your husband, your kids or the internet to make your decisions for you.

[Anonymous]

I felt that way both times after maternity leave, but for my kids it was a short window until 18mo when their bedtime got a bit later. When they are tiny, they sleep so much it is hard to see them a lot.

[Anonymous]

I remember feeling that way too. My kids were in daycare at my office so I spent almost every lunch hour with them, we commuted together and it really helped me getting that extra time with them. I know you have a Nanny, but perhaps there's a way to see them more during the day? Best of luck to you -- these are tough years when they're that little.

[Anonymous]

I’d see if you could go parttime for a year. Leave everyday at 3. Assuming you won’t have anymore kids you could do it for only a year. You’ll get more time with your kids and eventually bedtime will be later.

But yeah don’t give up a 200k job you like. Your youngest kid will be in preschool before you know it.

[Anonymous]

Can your nanny bring your baby in during your lunch or another break that is blocked off? You make x amount of money you should be able to put 30 minutes on your calendar that is a non-negotiable especially if you are having to come in early and stay late plus working 8 hours plus.

That gives you one:one time with the baby and since you only see your baby for 30 minutes at night, you get more time. After your baby goes to sleep, you can do one:one with the older kid.

Make weekends 100% about the kids for awhile.

And I know this is an unpopular opinion, but co-sleeping with infants, (essentially doing skin to skin) especially since yours is 6+ plus does help with bonding for working parents.

Your other option is to get up earlier and be ready before they wake up and spend that hour playing and interacting with them.

[Anonymous]

Would your job allow you to telework even one day a week? Is it at all possible to cut your schedule down to 80% while the kids are small?

[Anonymous]

It’s not a zero sum game.

You could look for a part time that pays less and is more flexible. Your kids would still get some financial benefits like vacations and possibly private school.

It’s nit just work at your current job or quit and take a 200K hit. There is a world of options in-between. Start exploring them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I felt that way both times after maternity leave, but for my kids it was a short window until 18mo when their bedtime got a bit later. When they are tiny, they sleep so much it is hard to see them a lot.

I earn a similar amount and would venture to say that if you make 6 figures, you don’t have a job you can turn off at the end of the day. I went down to 80% until my first was 1 yr old, but I ended up taking an expensive pay cut to basically work the same amount. Many senior women warned me it would happen and they were right. With my second I stayed full time, but worked from home a lot more and that is a better balance for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a zero sum game.

You could look for a part time that pays less and is more flexible. Your kids would still get some financial benefits like vacations and possibly private school.

It’s nit just work at your current job or quit and take a 200K hit. There is a world of options in-between. Start exploring them.

This. So many SAHMs never even explored flexible arrangements. Start looking into finding a new job or flexibility from your current employer. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find a more flexible job. Possibly telework. Try to go part time.

It’s just not possible at my current company. I have looked into it and the jobs that are part time and/or super flexible pay like half of what I make... which pretty much just covers childcare after taxes.

[Anonymous]

I make about half that, but I make my own hours. I like the fact that I can take my youngest to a mommy & me class, or do pick ups at 3:30 PM. I worked from home the first year after both were born. Now if someone is sick I can be off day time hours for a week or two and make it up at night. It's still a big juggle but the flexibility to see them growing up is important to me. My oldest is starting school now and I just feel like it's gone so fast. My plan is to ramp up once the youngest is a few years into school.

I don't think I would quit altogether even if we could afford it financially (good schools are expensive where we live). I like my job. But I wouldn't take a huge raise if it meant seeing them only at the very beginning/ end of the day. I have definitely passed up career opportunities to advance faster to have this time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a more flexible job. Possibly telework. Try to go part time.

It’s just not possible at my current company. I have looked into it and the jobs that are part time and/or super flexible pay like half of what I make... which pretty much just covers childcare after taxes.

Look at other companies. At that salary level, you must have transferrable skills.

[Anonymous]

I would just try and see if you can get till 18/20 months because that's when my kids can typically stay up later. Also with a nanny you can try and manipulate the bedtime even more since baby can sleep in vs must be up by daycare time. I would try keeping baby up 20 extra minutes and just rock and read and really soak up those cuddles. I would also try doing "special dates" with older one. For me this looks like "on Wednesdays we make brownies!" or "on Thursday morning we wake up 10 min early and take a bubble bath". Really small pockets of time that you build up to be special become special.