Working parents - feel like I spend no time with my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM but the life OP describes would not be worth it to me. Flexibility is key when you have kids. And by that I mean the ability to come in late or leave early fairly regularly (and make it up at night) and WFH 1-2x a week.

My question is where is the DH in this?

My DH and I work staggered schedules to minimize childcare hours to 25-30 per week (half of which is spent napping anyway). And we each WFH a different day in the week so we can take the kids to various classes. He makes over $200k and I make $150k which is pretty good in our early-mid 30s.

I think it’s sad when women have to quit their jobs solely because their neanderthal husbands refuse to do something more flexible. It’s nice for kids to spend one-on-one time with their dads too (not just occasional “babysitting” time like DHs of SAHMs do). It’s also nice for them to see both parents be equal partners at home and helping each other achieve their goals outside the home.

Most of your post doesn't apply to PP. She said SHE wants to spend more time with her babies. She didn't say she wants DH to spend more time with them, or that she wants them to be with a parent (either one) instead of childcare, or that she wants to minimize childcare.

[Anonymous]

Yeah SAHM here, five years and hard to find something suitable to go back to. Looking back, I probably should have just stuck it out. An anti-depressant may have helped (Seriously- I am on one now and think that if I started taking it back thenI could have coped better and the extreme multitasking required of being a working mom.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a zero sum game.

You could look for a part time that pays less and is more flexible. Your kids would still get some financial benefits like vacations and possibly private school.

It’s nit just work at your current job or quit and take a 200K hit. There is a world of options in-between. Start exploring them.

This. So many SAHMs never even explored flexible arrangements. Start looking into finding a new job or flexibility from your current employer. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

NP here. I was earning 200+ when first was born. I dropped down to a 40 hr flexible and then PT. I still made about 150k before ultimately becoming a SAHM. I hated my part time job. It felt like it was the worst of both worlds. I actually tried 2 part time jobs. One was mostly work from home and only had to go in for meetings. Sounds amazing, especially with a FT nanny plus one kid in preschool. I ended up doing a lot of work at night around deadlines and I was exhausted. Pay was very good but I swapped to a PT job with work in an office close to my home. That was actually better but then the office moved and company grew. Normally more money and more responsibilities would be good for your career. I felt I lost by pt privilege and instead jamming full time work in part time office hours and making up for it at home.

My DH was making high six figures when I stopped working so we didn’t need my income. He now earns seven figures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a zero sum game.

You could look for a part time that pays less and is more flexible. Your kids would still get some financial benefits like vacations and possibly private school.

It’s nit just work at your current job or quit and take a 200K hit. There is a world of options in-between. Start exploring them.

This. So many SAHMs never even explored flexible arrangements. Start looking into finding a new job or flexibility from your current employer. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

NP here. I was earning 200+ when first was born. I dropped down to a 40 hr flexible and then PT. I still made about 150k before ultimately becoming a SAHM. I hated my part time job. It felt like it was the worst of both worlds. I actually tried 2 part time jobs. One was mostly work from home and only had to go in for meetings. Sounds amazing, especially with a FT nanny plus one kid in preschool. I ended up doing a lot of work at night around deadlines and I was exhausted. Pay was very good but I swapped to a PT job with work in an office close to my home. That was actually better but then the office moved and company grew. Normally more money and more responsibilities would be good for your career. I felt I lost by pt privilege and instead jamming full time work in part time office hours and making up for it at home.

My DH was making high six figures when I stopped working so we didn’t need my income. He now earns seven figures.

Doesn’t sound like OP has this luxury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM but the life OP describes would not be worth it to me. Flexibility is key when you have kids. And by that I mean the ability to come in late or leave early fairly regularly (and make it up at night) and WFH 1-2x a week.

My question is where is the DH in this?

My DH and I work staggered schedules to minimize childcare hours to 25-30 per week (half of which is spent napping anyway). And we each WFH a different day in the week so we can take the kids to various classes. He makes over $200k and I make $150k which is pretty good in our early-mid 30s.

I think it’s sad when women have to quit their jobs solely because their neanderthal husbands refuse to do something more flexible. It’s nice for kids to spend one-on-one time with their dads too (not just occasional “babysitting” time like DHs of SAHMs do). It’s also nice for them to see both parents be equal partners at home and helping each other achieve their goals outside the home.

This!!!!

Why do some supposedly happy WOHMs make comments like this about other people's realities? This is not the reality for many SAHMs who have involved, caring dads who are present in their kids' lives, who help out 50 50 with chores when home, who support their wives' goals. And on the flip side, disinterested workaholic and unhelpful husbands are the reality for some WOHMs who have the burden of an unequal partnership AND full time jobs. Every relationship is different but let's not paint all families with one brush.

My post was not about all SAHMs, only the ones who enjoyed working but we’re essentially forced to quit because their DH prioritized career advancement over family time. I mean, I miss my kids too, but if they can’t be with me then knowing they’re with their Dad for a good chunk of the day makes me feel better. If DH had been unwilling to negotiate flexibility with his employer then I would probably have quit. And anyway, it’s good for the workforce if men also force their employers to promote work-life balance.

Dp here. DH is a surgeon and he can’t work from home. However, he is a very involved parent. He takes kids to sports and we eat dinner with him most nights. Problem is I can never rely on him to pick up. Never know if surgery will have a complication or a pt shows up in the ER.

I was responsible for all drop offs, pick ups, school events, sick days, snow days and after school activities. I tried for years to get perfect mix of help. I had equal or higher income potential than DH. I decided I wanted to do the child activities I was trying to hire someone to do. And I hated that guilt when you miss the school parties that last a whole 15 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM but the life OP describes would not be worth it to me. Flexibility is key when you have kids. And by that I mean the ability to come in late or leave early fairly regularly (and make it up at night) and WFH 1-2x a week.

My question is where is the DH in this?

My DH and I work staggered schedules to minimize childcare hours to 25-30 per week (half of which is spent napping anyway). And we each WFH a different day in the week so we can take the kids to various classes. He makes over $200k and I make $150k which is pretty good in our early-mid 30s.

I think it’s sad when women have to quit their jobs solely because their neanderthal husbands refuse to do something more flexible. It’s nice for kids to spend one-on-one time with their dads too (not just occasional “babysitting” time like DHs of SAHMs do). It’s also nice for them to see both parents be equal partners at home and helping each other achieve their goals outside the home.

This!!!!

Why do some supposedly happy WOHMs make comments like this about other people's realities? This is not the reality for many SAHMs who have involved, caring dads who are present in their kids' lives, who help out 50 50 with chores when home, who support their wives' goals. And on the flip side, disinterested workaholic and unhelpful husbands are the reality for some WOHMs who have the burden of an unequal partnership AND full time jobs. Every relationship is different but let's not paint all families with one brush.

My post was not about all SAHMs, only the ones who enjoyed working but we’re essentially forced to quit because their DH prioritized career advancement over family time. I mean, I miss my kids too, but if they can’t be with me then knowing they’re with their Dad for a good chunk of the day makes me feel better. If DH had been unwilling to negotiate flexibility with his employer then I would probably have quit. And anyway, it’s good for the workforce if men also force their employers to promote work-life balance.

Dp here. DH is a surgeon and he can’t work from home. However, he is a very involved parent. He takes kids to sports and we eat dinner with him most nights. Problem is I can never rely on him to pick up. Never know if surgery will have a complication or a pt shows up in the ER.

I was responsible for all drop offs, pick ups, school events, sick days, snow days and after school activities. I tried for years to get perfect mix of help. I had equal or higher income potential than DH. I decided I wanted to do the child activities I was trying to hire someone to do. And I hated that guilt when you miss the school parties that last a whole 15 minutes.

That’s the thing. Majority of men never feel that guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM but the life OP describes would not be worth it to me. Flexibility is key when you have kids. And by that I mean the ability to come in late or leave early fairly regularly (and make it up at night) and WFH 1-2x a week.

My question is where is the DH in this?

My DH and I work staggered schedules to minimize childcare hours to 25-30 per week (half of which is spent napping anyway). And we each WFH a different day in the week so we can take the kids to various classes. He makes over $200k and I make $150k which is pretty good in our early-mid 30s.

I think it’s sad when women have to quit their jobs solely because their neanderthal husbands refuse to do something more flexible. It’s nice for kids to spend one-on-one time with their dads too (not just occasional “babysitting” time like DHs of SAHMs do). It’s also nice for them to see both parents be equal partners at home and helping each other achieve their goals outside the home.

This!!!!

Why do some supposedly happy WOHMs make comments like this about other people's realities? This is not the reality for many SAHMs who have involved, caring dads who are present in their kids' lives, who help out 50 50 with chores when home, who support their wives' goals. And on the flip side, disinterested workaholic and unhelpful husbands are the reality for some WOHMs who have the burden of an unequal partnership AND full time jobs. Every relationship is different but let's not paint all families with one brush.

My post was not about all SAHMs, only the ones who enjoyed working but we’re essentially forced to quit because their DH prioritized career advancement over family time. I mean, I miss my kids too, but if they can’t be with me then knowing they’re with their Dad for a good chunk of the day makes me feel better. If DH had been unwilling to negotiate flexibility with his employer then I would probably have quit. And anyway, it’s good for the workforce if men also force their employers to promote work-life balance.

Dp here. DH is a surgeon and he can’t work from home. However, he is a very involved parent. He takes kids to sports and we eat dinner with him most nights. Problem is I can never rely on him to pick up. Never know if surgery will have a complication or a pt shows up in the ER.

I was responsible for all drop offs, pick ups, school events, sick days, snow days and after school activities. I tried for years to get perfect mix of help. I had equal or higher income potential than DH. I decided I wanted to do the child activities I was trying to hire someone to do. And I hated that guilt when you miss the school parties that last a whole 15 minutes.

That’s the thing. Majority of men never feel that guilt.

+1. I'm a woman, but I feel about as much guilt for missing those parties as my husband does--that is to say, not much. And kid's school has lots of working parents, so in general it's not unusual for parents to miss these events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a lawyer and was formerly biglaw, so my current job that pays over $200k and has me in the office from 9-5:30 but rarely on weekends is a big improvement. It is flexible in the sense that I can take my kids for their checkups and come to their room parties and skip out early for soccer practice from time to time, but I pay for those things with my promotion track and questions about my "commitment" to the job even though my hours are the same as anyone else's.

OP, I would counsel you to stick it out. I found the absolute hardest time was when my second was a baby and my oldest not very far from the baby stage herself. This will improve and you will have a different perspective in only a few more months because they change so fast. Hang on to that high paying job and save as much as possible. It will buy you more flexibility when they're older, which is when they really start to need YOU the parent not just you the caregiver.

+1. Really, infants don't *need* you; they just need a trusted family member/caregiver to meet their physical needs. I only have an elementary-aged child, but parents of teens say that that's the stage where they need their parents emotionally/psychologically, and that it's actually pretty important to be available at that stage.

Wow.

My reaction exactly. A cat is a better mother.

Give me a break. An infant needs a caring and stable caregiver. That caregiver doesn't have to be a mother. Either you're willfully ignorant or trying to justify your lifestyle, or both.

Well then what's the big deal about maternity leave then. You should be back and running as soon as you are healed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM but the life OP describes would not be worth it to me. Flexibility is key when you have kids. And by that I mean the ability to come in late or leave early fairly regularly (and make it up at night) and WFH 1-2x a week.

My question is where is the DH in this?

My DH and I work staggered schedules to minimize childcare hours to 25-30 per week (half of which is spent napping anyway). And we each WFH a different day in the week so we can take the kids to various classes. He makes over $200k and I make $150k which is pretty good in our early-mid 30s.

I think it’s sad when women have to quit their jobs solely because their neanderthal husbands refuse to do something more flexible. It’s nice for kids to spend one-on-one time with their dads too (not just occasional “babysitting” time like DHs of SAHMs do). It’s also nice for them to see both parents be equal partners at home and helping each other achieve their goals outside the home.

This!!!!

Why do some supposedly happy WOHMs make comments like this about other people's realities? This is not the reality for many SAHMs who have involved, caring dads who are present in their kids' lives, who help out 50 50 with chores when home, who support their wives' goals. And on the flip side, disinterested workaholic and unhelpful husbands are the reality for some WOHMs who have the burden of an unequal partnership AND full time jobs. Every relationship is different but let's not paint all families with one brush.

My post was not about all SAHMs, only the ones who enjoyed working but we’re essentially forced to quit because their DH prioritized career advancement over family time. I mean, I miss my kids too, but if they can’t be with me then knowing they’re with their Dad for a good chunk of the day makes me feel better. If DH had been unwilling to negotiate flexibility with his employer then I would probably have quit. And anyway, it’s good for the workforce if men also force their employers to promote work-life balance.

Dp here. DH is a surgeon and he can’t work from home. However, he is a very involved parent. He takes kids to sports and we eat dinner with him most nights. Problem is I can never rely on him to pick up. Never know if surgery will have a complication or a pt shows up in the ER.

I was responsible for all drop offs, pick ups, school events, sick days, snow days and after school activities. I tried for years to get perfect mix of help. I had equal or higher income potential than DH. I decided I wanted to do the child activities I was trying to hire someone to do. And I hated that guilt when you miss the school parties that last a whole 15 minutes.

That’s the thing. Majority of men never feel that guilt.

+1. I'm a woman, but I feel about as much guilt for missing those parties as my husband does--that is to say, not much. And kid's school has lots of working parents, so in general it's not unusual for parents to miss these events.

Another woman here who doesn’t feel much guilt. I’m missing that chip that makes a woman lose her identity and quit her job for her kids. I love my kids but didn’t cry the first time I left one with a sitter or the first day of K. I consider myself lucky because most of the SAHMs I know seem to be staying home out of emotion instead of legitimate reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM but the life OP describes would not be worth it to me. Flexibility is key when you have kids. And by that I mean the ability to come in late or leave early fairly regularly (and make it up at night) and WFH 1-2x a week.

My question is where is the DH in this?

My DH and I work staggered schedules to minimize childcare hours to 25-30 per week (half of which is spent napping anyway). And we each WFH a different day in the week so we can take the kids to various classes. He makes over $200k and I make $150k which is pretty good in our early-mid 30s.

I think it’s sad when women have to quit their jobs solely because their neanderthal husbands refuse to do something more flexible. It’s nice for kids to spend one-on-one time with their dads too (not just occasional “babysitting” time like DHs of SAHMs do). It’s also nice for them to see both parents be equal partners at home and helping each other achieve their goals outside the home.

This!!!!

Why do some supposedly happy WOHMs make comments like this about other people's realities? This is not the reality for many SAHMs who have involved, caring dads who are present in their kids' lives, who help out 50 50 with chores when home, who support their wives' goals. And on the flip side, disinterested workaholic and unhelpful husbands are the reality for some WOHMs who have the burden of an unequal partnership AND full time jobs. Every relationship is different but let's not paint all families with one brush.

My post was not about all SAHMs, only the ones who enjoyed working but we’re essentially forced to quit because their DH prioritized career advancement over family time. I mean, I miss my kids too, but if they can’t be with me then knowing they’re with their Dad for a good chunk of the day makes me feel better. If DH had been unwilling to negotiate flexibility with his employer then I would probably have quit. And anyway, it’s good for the workforce if men also force their employers to promote work-life balance.

Dp here. DH is a surgeon and he can’t work from home. However, he is a very involved parent. He takes kids to sports and we eat dinner with him most nights. Problem is I can never rely on him to pick up. Never know if surgery will have a complication or a pt shows up in the ER.

I was responsible for all drop offs, pick ups, school events, sick days, snow days and after school activities. I tried for years to get perfect mix of help. I had equal or higher income potential than DH. I decided I wanted to do the child activities I was trying to hire someone to do. And I hated that guilt when you miss the school parties that last a whole 15 minutes.

That’s the thing. Majority of men never feel that guilt.

+1. I'm a woman, but I feel about as much guilt for missing those parties as my husband does--that is to say, not much. And kid's school has lots of working parents, so in general it's not unusual for parents to miss these events.

Another woman here who doesn’t feel much guilt. I’m missing that chip that makes a woman lose her identity and quit her job for her kids. I love my kids but didn’t cry the first time I left one with a sitter or the first day of K. I consider myself lucky because most of the SAHMs I know seem to be staying home out of emotion instead of legitimate reasons.

NP here.

I think there are very legitimate reasons to stay home, but our society -and the husbands of these SAHMs- do not value those reasons.

I do not know any stay at home moms who have a good deal going. In my experience, they have husbands who have become self-centered and unaware of the work it takes to keep the house running.

However, I do not know any working mom whose "identity" is attached to their jobs-not even my cardiologist girlfriend. So that argument usually baffles me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM but the life OP describes would not be worth it to me. Flexibility is key when you have kids. And by that I mean the ability to come in late or leave early fairly regularly (and make it up at night) and WFH 1-2x a week.

My question is where is the DH in this?

My DH and I work staggered schedules to minimize childcare hours to 25-30 per week (half of which is spent napping anyway). And we each WFH a different day in the week so we can take the kids to various classes. He makes over $200k and I make $150k which is pretty good in our early-mid 30s.

I think it’s sad when women have to quit their jobs solely because their neanderthal husbands refuse to do something more flexible. It’s nice for kids to spend one-on-one time with their dads too (not just occasional “babysitting” time like DHs of SAHMs do). It’s also nice for them to see both parents be equal partners at home and helping each other achieve their goals outside the home.

This!!!!

Why do some supposedly happy WOHMs make comments like this about other people's realities? This is not the reality for many SAHMs who have involved, caring dads who are present in their kids' lives, who help out 50 50 with chores when home, who support their wives' goals. And on the flip side, disinterested workaholic and unhelpful husbands are the reality for some WOHMs who have the burden of an unequal partnership AND full time jobs. Every relationship is different but let's not paint all families with one brush.

My post was not about all SAHMs, only the ones who enjoyed working but we’re essentially forced to quit because their DH prioritized career advancement over family time. I mean, I miss my kids too, but if they can’t be with me then knowing they’re with their Dad for a good chunk of the day makes me feel better. If DH had been unwilling to negotiate flexibility with his employer then I would probably have quit. And anyway, it’s good for the workforce if men also force their employers to promote work-life balance.

Dp here. DH is a surgeon and he can’t work from home. However, he is a very involved parent. He takes kids to sports and we eat dinner with him most nights. Problem is I can never rely on him to pick up. Never know if surgery will have a complication or a pt shows up in the ER.

I was responsible for all drop offs, pick ups, school events, sick days, snow days and after school activities. I tried for years to get perfect mix of help. I had equal or higher income potential than DH. I decided I wanted to do the child activities I was trying to hire someone to do. And I hated that guilt when you miss the school parties that last a whole 15 minutes.

That’s the thing. Majority of men never feel that guilt.

+1. I'm a woman, but I feel about as much guilt for missing those parties as my husband does--that is to say, not much. And kid's school has lots of working parents, so in general it's not unusual for parents to miss these events.

Another woman here who doesn’t feel much guilt. I’m missing that chip that makes a woman lose her identity and quit her job for her kids. I love my kids but didn’t cry the first time I left one with a sitter or the first day of K. I consider myself lucky because most of the SAHMs I know seem to be staying home out of emotion instead of legitimate reasons.

NP here.

I think there are very legitimate reasons to stay home, but our society -and the husbands of these SAHMs- do not value those reasons.

I do not know any stay at home moms who have a good deal going. In my experience, they have husbands who have become self-centered and unaware of the work it takes to keep the house running.

However, I do not know any working mom whose "identity" is attached to their jobs-not even my cardiologist girlfriend. So that argument usually baffles me.

Yeah, I've never understood how HR manager at the Department of Agriculture is somehow a legit 'identity'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM but the life OP describes would not be worth it to me. Flexibility is key when you have kids. And by that I mean the ability to come in late or leave early fairly regularly (and make it up at night) and WFH 1-2x a week.

My question is where is the DH in this?

My DH and I work staggered schedules to minimize childcare hours to 25-30 per week (half of which is spent napping anyway). And we each WFH a different day in the week so we can take the kids to various classes. He makes over $200k and I make $150k which is pretty good in our early-mid 30s.

I think it’s sad when women have to quit their jobs solely because their neanderthal husbands refuse to do something more flexible. It’s nice for kids to spend one-on-one time with their dads too (not just occasional “babysitting” time like DHs of SAHMs do). It’s also nice for them to see both parents be equal partners at home and helping each other achieve their goals outside the home.

This!!!!

Why do some supposedly happy WOHMs make comments like this about other people's realities? This is not the reality for many SAHMs who have involved, caring dads who are present in their kids' lives, who help out 50 50 with chores when home, who support their wives' goals. And on the flip side, disinterested workaholic and unhelpful husbands are the reality for some WOHMs who have the burden of an unequal partnership AND full time jobs. Every relationship is different but let's not paint all families with one brush.

My post was not about all SAHMs, only the ones who enjoyed working but we’re essentially forced to quit because their DH prioritized career advancement over family time. I mean, I miss my kids too, but if they can’t be with me then knowing they’re with their Dad for a good chunk of the day makes me feel better. If DH had been unwilling to negotiate flexibility with his employer then I would probably have quit. And anyway, it’s good for the workforce if men also force their employers to promote work-life balance.

Dp here. DH is a surgeon and he can’t work from home. However, he is a very involved parent. He takes kids to sports and we eat dinner with him most nights. Problem is I can never rely on him to pick up. Never know if surgery will have a complication or a pt shows up in the ER.

I was responsible for all drop offs, pick ups, school events, sick days, snow days and after school activities. I tried for years to get perfect mix of help. I had equal or higher income potential than DH. I decided I wanted to do the child activities I was trying to hire someone to do. And I hated that guilt when you miss the school parties that last a whole 15 minutes.

That’s the thing. Majority of men never feel that guilt.

+1. I'm a woman, but I feel about as much guilt for missing those parties as my husband does--that is to say, not much. And kid's school has lots of working parents, so in general it's not unusual for parents to miss these events.

Another woman here who doesn’t feel much guilt. I’m missing that chip that makes a woman lose her identity and quit her job for her kids. I love my kids but didn’t cry the first time I left one with a sitter or the first day of K. I consider myself lucky because most of the SAHMs I know seem to be staying home out of emotion instead of legitimate reasons.

NP here.

I think there are very legitimate reasons to stay home, but our society -and the husbands of these SAHMs- do not value those reasons.

I do not know any stay at home moms who have a good deal going. In my experience, they have husbands who have become self-centered and unaware of the work it takes to keep the house running.

However, I do not know any working mom whose "identity" is attached to their jobs-not even my cardiologist girlfriend. So that argument usually baffles me.

Yeah, I've never understood how HR manager at the Department of Agriculture is somehow a legit 'identity'.

Well I never understand how an educated, smart woman can do nothing while her kids are at school but get her hair done but YMMV. What exactly does your meal ticket - oh sorry, husband - do?

[Anonymous]

What do you want us to say, OP? You have to make a choice. Dial down your career to spend more time with your kids, or don't see your kids. That is your choice. Stop complaining and make a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM but the life OP describes would not be worth it to me. Flexibility is key when you have kids. And by that I mean the ability to come in late or leave early fairly regularly (and make it up at night) and WFH 1-2x a week.

My question is where is the DH in this?

My DH and I work staggered schedules to minimize childcare hours to 25-30 per week (half of which is spent napping anyway). And we each WFH a different day in the week so we can take the kids to various classes. He makes over $200k and I make $150k which is pretty good in our early-mid 30s.

I think it’s sad when women have to quit their jobs solely because their neanderthal husbands refuse to do something more flexible. It’s nice for kids to spend one-on-one time with their dads too (not just occasional “babysitting” time like DHs of SAHMs do). It’s also nice for them to see both parents be equal partners at home and helping each other achieve their goals outside the home.

This!!!!

Why do some supposedly happy WOHMs make comments like this about other people's realities? This is not the reality for many SAHMs who have involved, caring dads who are present in their kids' lives, who help out 50 50 with chores when home, who support their wives' goals. And on the flip side, disinterested workaholic and unhelpful husbands are the reality for some WOHMs who have the burden of an unequal partnership AND full time jobs. Every relationship is different but let's not paint all families with one brush.

My post was not about all SAHMs, only the ones who enjoyed working but we’re essentially forced to quit because their DH prioritized career advancement over family time. I mean, I miss my kids too, but if they can’t be with me then knowing they’re with their Dad for a good chunk of the day makes me feel better. If DH had been unwilling to negotiate flexibility with his employer then I would probably have quit. And anyway, it’s good for the workforce if men also force their employers to promote work-life balance.

Dp here. DH is a surgeon and he can’t work from home. However, he is a very involved parent. He takes kids to sports and we eat dinner with him most nights. Problem is I can never rely on him to pick up. Never know if surgery will have a complication or a pt shows up in the ER.

I was responsible for all drop offs, pick ups, school events, sick days, snow days and after school activities. I tried for years to get perfect mix of help. I had equal or higher income potential than DH. I decided I wanted to do the child activities I was trying to hire someone to do. And I hated that guilt when you miss the school parties that last a whole 15 minutes.

That’s the thing. Majority of men never feel that guilt.

+1. I'm a woman, but I feel about as much guilt for missing those parties as my husband does--that is to say, not much. And kid's school has lots of working parents, so in general it's not unusual for parents to miss these events.

Another woman here who doesn’t feel much guilt. I’m missing that chip that makes a woman lose her identity and quit her job for her kids. I love my kids but didn’t cry the first time I left one with a sitter or the first day of K. I consider myself lucky because most of the SAHMs I know seem to be staying home out of emotion instead of legitimate reasons.

NP here.

I think there are very legitimate reasons to stay home, but our society -and the husbands of these SAHMs- do not value those reasons.

I do not know any stay at home moms who have a good deal going. In my experience, they have husbands who have become self-centered and unaware of the work it takes to keep the house running.

However, I do not know any working mom whose "identity" is attached to their jobs-not even my cardiologist girlfriend. So that argument usually baffles me.

Yeah, I've never understood how HR manager at the Department of Agriculture is somehow a legit 'identity'.

Well I never understand how an educated, smart woman can do nothing while her kids are at school but get her hair done but YMMV. What exactly does your meal ticket - oh sorry, husband - do?

Wow. This thread got ugly fast. I went to Harvard, have two masters and was crushing it in my career. I excel at everything that I do. There is absolutely nothing that I am more passionate about than my children. If I could go back, I will pick my children every single time over my career. My issue was that I was not interested in crap work that paid decently. I earned high six figures and no amount of money was worth not seeing my children.

I do not know one woman who has it all. I know many women at the top of their industries and their family lives often suffer. I do think it is doable for two mediocre careers to achieve optimal work life balance. In my circles, our friends and colleagues are not the types to do mediocre.

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Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM but the life OP describes would not be worth it to me. Flexibility is key when you have kids. And by that I mean the ability to come in late or leave early fairly regularly (and make it up at night) and WFH 1-2x a week.

My question is where is the DH in this?

My DH and I work staggered schedules to minimize childcare hours to 25-30 per week (half of which is spent napping anyway). And we each WFH a different day in the week so we can take the kids to various classes. He makes over $200k and I make $150k which is pretty good in our early-mid 30s.

I think it’s sad when women have to quit their jobs solely because their neanderthal husbands refuse to do something more flexible. It’s nice for kids to spend one-on-one time with their dads too (not just occasional “babysitting” time like DHs of SAHMs do). It’s also nice for them to see both parents be equal partners at home and helping each other achieve their goals outside the home.

This!!!!

Why do some supposedly happy WOHMs make comments like this about other people's realities? This is not the reality for many SAHMs who have involved, caring dads who are present in their kids' lives, who help out 50 50 with chores when home, who support their wives' goals. And on the flip side, disinterested workaholic and unhelpful husbands are the reality for some WOHMs who have the burden of an unequal partnership AND full time jobs. Every relationship is different but let's not paint all families with one brush.

My post was not about all SAHMs, only the ones who enjoyed working but we’re essentially forced to quit because their DH prioritized career advancement over family time. I mean, I miss my kids too, but if they can’t be with me then knowing they’re with their Dad for a good chunk of the day makes me feel better. If DH had been unwilling to negotiate flexibility with his employer then I would probably have quit. And anyway, it’s good for the workforce if men also force their employers to promote work-life balance.

Dp here. DH is a surgeon and he can’t work from home. However, he is a very involved parent. He takes kids to sports and we eat dinner with him most nights. Problem is I can never rely on him to pick up. Never know if surgery will have a complication or a pt shows up in the ER.

I was responsible for all drop offs, pick ups, school events, sick days, snow days and after school activities. I tried for years to get perfect mix of help. I had equal or higher income potential than DH. I decided I wanted to do the child activities I was trying to hire someone to do. And I hated that guilt when you miss the school parties that last a whole 15 minutes.

That’s the thing. Majority of men never feel that guilt.

+1. I'm a woman, but I feel about as much guilt for missing those parties as my husband does--that is to say, not much. And kid's school has lots of working parents, so in general it's not unusual for parents to miss these events.

Another woman here who doesn’t feel much guilt. I’m missing that chip that makes a woman lose her identity and quit her job for her kids. I love my kids but didn’t cry the first time I left one with a sitter or the first day of K. I consider myself lucky because most of the SAHMs I know seem to be staying home out of emotion instead of legitimate reasons.

NP here.

I think there are very legitimate reasons to stay home, but our society -and the husbands of these SAHMs- do not value those reasons.

I do not know any stay at home moms who have a good deal going. In my experience, they have husbands who have become self-centered and unaware of the work it takes to keep the house running.

However, I do not know any working mom whose "identity" is attached to their jobs-not even my cardiologist girlfriend. So that argument usually baffles me.

Yeah, I've never understood how HR manager at the Department of Agriculture is somehow a legit 'identity'.

Well I never understand how an educated, smart woman can do nothing while her kids are at school but get her hair done but YMMV. What exactly does your meal ticket - oh sorry, husband - do?

Wow. This thread got ugly fast. I went to Harvard, have two masters and was crushing it in my career. I excel at everything that I do. There is absolutely nothing that I am more passionate about than my children. If I could go back, I will pick my children every single time over my career. My issue was that I was not interested in crap work that paid decently. I earned high six figures and no amount of money was worth not seeing my children.

I do not know one woman who has it all. I know many women at the top of their industries and their family lives often suffer. I do think it is doable for two mediocre careers to achieve optimal work life balance. In my circles, our friends and colleagues are not the types to do mediocre.

What a sad story! Your kids will grow up you know. They aren’t a project.