Wife wants another child; I do not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very sad. If this happened to me, I’d be livid at my DH as your wife is with you. My husband pulls the same passive aggressive stuff as you seem to. I wouldn’t have given you the luxury of waiting 5 years as she seems to have. It sounds like she was trying to be considerate and patient with you while you were dishonest. It is absolutely a betrayal. She deserves better.

I told her I would go through with it because I agreed to it and it was not right for me to change my mind. But this week, it dawned on me that I really can't go thru with this. She could have left years ago but I wanted to keep her and my family. I love my family very much.

No, you don't. You want what you want and to hell with what you wife wants. But, yes, she should stay to keep the family intact for you. Sounds about right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.

I don't think I lied. I was just content when our son was born and as time went on, my desire to have another child went to zero. Is having another child REALLY this important? Why not just move on and keep our family together? We have a good life.

It's just as important to her as it is to you not having another one. But, you know that, you just want what you want, and to hell with what your wife wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's completely normal to change your mind about the number of children after you have an actual child.

With that being said, OP should've told his wife as soon as he was certain that he didn't want any more children and not wait 5 years. Otoh, OP's wife is incredibly selfish for wanting to break up her existing family over a hypothetical child that she may never have. If there were other problems, sure. But this is one issue? That's ridiculous.

Based on everything OP has written here, including his complete dismissal of his wife’s feeling and avoiding telling her the truth so he wouldn’t have to be out of his comfort zone and actually deal with her pain, I’m willing to bet it’s not just this one issue. This is just the last straw for OP’s wife.

[Anonymous]

Generally, the spouse that says "no" wins. However, if you told this person you wanted a big family before marriage, two is really already a compromise. I can understand if you don't want a second but I could also understand her hating you forever for it, to the point of possible divorce.

[Anonymous]

Gosh how many years have you been telling her yes and then no...yes and then no...?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very sad. If this happened to me, I’d be livid at my DH as your wife is with you. My husband pulls the same passive aggressive stuff as you seem to. I wouldn’t have given you the luxury of waiting 5 years as she seems to have. It sounds like she was trying to be considerate and patient with you while you were dishonest. It is absolutely a betrayal. She deserves better.

I told her I would go through with it because I agreed to it and it was not right for me to change my mind. But this week, it dawned on me that I really can't go thru with this. She could have left years ago but I wanted to keep her and my family. I love my family very much.

No, you don't. You want what you want and to hell with what you wife wants. But, yes, she should stay to keep the family intact for you. Sounds about right.

Oh, shut up. New poster. He’s human. If this was a woman you’d be wearing your little pink hat and chanting “her body her choice!” Get a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.

I don't think I lied. I was just content when our son was born and as time went on, my desire to have another child went to zero. Is having another child REALLY this important? Why not just move on and keep our family together? We have a good life.

It's just as important to her as it is to you not having another one. But, you know that, you just want what you want, and to hell with what your wife wants.

Not OP. On this issue? Yeah, that’s kinda how this goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP threads seem flat enough in tone that it seems there's a high probability OP is either a troll or someone with a very limited capacity for empathy. If you love your wife and son, then you try to help your wife realize her goal to have another child, if only to keep your family together and have an ongoing presence in your son's life. I was pretty sure I only wanted two kids and one day spouse announced #3 was on the way. He's one of the three greatest kids in the world, in my humble opinion.

If you can't see your way through to this, nobody on this forum is going make things any better for you.

Agreed.

However, if OP is not a troll, I feel very bad for his wife. I'd love to convince OP to give her the second child she thought she was going to at least try for, but at this point, I don't think OP needs to reproduce any further.

She told me I'm selfish and only thinking about myself

Well she's right, you are extremely selfish, but you're also strange and stupid. You're either a troll or you have some sort of weird personality disorder/disability. If you're real then she's dealing with mourning the loss of something (2 kids, at least trying for a larger family) that was extremely important to her and the realization that her husband betrayed/manipulated her with pretty much zero regard for her feelings. You've displayed zero remorse here when people keep telling you over and over that you lied to her. You keep making it about you.

I know I hurt her. I can tell. I should have been honest with her from the beginning. I know it. I love this woman, I know I can never replace her. That's why I'm hurting.

So HAVE ANOTHER BABY!!!! I don’t know anyone that regretted having another child, but I know plenty that regretted not having one. It’s a lot easier for you to deal with infertility and newborn phase (both relatively short) than for her to deal with a lifetime of regrets and resentment. You are wrong here, YOU made the mistake, YOU adapt to your wife wishes if you want to save your marriage.

This is actually the worst advice on this entire thread. Please ignore. This PP is a moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.

I don't think I lied. I was just content when our son was born and as time went on, my desire to have another child went to zero. Is having another child REALLY this important? Why not just move on and keep our family together? We have a good life.

You Strung her along for five years. You needed to be upfront with her immediately. I get why she wants to leave you. Quite honestly, that would be my choice as well. Even if I was never going to have another child, I would not want to remain with a man who lied. Yes lied to me. Frankly, I could never trust you or any of your decisions again. Plus, I would resent you For what you did and would not want the one child I had to grow up in that kind of environment.

[Anonymous]

Very important question to OP --- will you be having a vasectomy to ensure you never have another child?

I really really think you should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very important question to OP --- will you be having a vasectomy to ensure you never have another child?

I really really think you should.

+1000... I literally came to post this response. If you definitely knew you didn't want a child then you should have had the "balls" to tell your wife that you are getting a vasectomy!! that would have been a better choice and better conversation than stringing her along for 5 years in a limbo. also knowing that "fertility" was a factor and you seem to remove yourself from this factor not realizing that her fertility problems are " yours" as well.. you are married to her, her problems are yours and vice versa. you are very insensitive. you could also have simply agreed to another child and simply tell her if it doesn't happen in X amount of months/years with the fertility treatment that you are done. at least you would have given her an option to try and if it failed she wouldn't have blame you for not wanting another child or at least not attempting/trying. You have absolutely missed the point others are making and I'll spell it out YOU BETRAYED THE TRUST IN YOUR MARRIAGE!!! now that's a hard thing to overcome once that betrayal/trust has been broken!! I don't blame her if she divorces you but you need to own up to the part you played in this matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very important question to OP --- will you be having a vasectomy to ensure you never have another child?

I’m really interested in the answer to these two questions.

Anonymous wrote:

OP are you on the spectrum?

I’m not trying to be snarky, but you seem to have a really hard time thinking about anyone’s perspective but your own. Also, you keep fixating on the disagreement over the member of children when the real issue is completely different. You seem to have a hard time grasping more complex emotions like betrayal and deceit and how your actions are a textbook definition of those sentiments.

Just curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP are you on the spectrum?

I’m not trying to be snarky, but you seem to have a really hard time thinking about anyone’s perspective but your own. Also, you keep fixating on the disagreement over the member of children when the real issue is completely different. You seem to have a hard time grasping more complex emotions like betrayal and deceit and how your actions are a textbook definition of those sentiments.

Just curious.

No I'm not on the spectrum. It just seems like I'm being crucified for being honest I changed my mind and am now unwilling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP are you on the spectrum?

I’m not trying to be snarky, but you seem to have a really hard time thinking about anyone’s perspective but your own. Also, you keep fixating on the disagreement over the member of children when the real issue is completely different. You seem to have a hard time grasping more complex emotions like betrayal and deceit and how your actions are a textbook definition of those sentiments.

Just curious.

No I'm not on the spectrum. It just seems like I'm being crucified for being honest I changed my mind and am now unwilling

Because you didn’t just now change your mind. You changed it 5 years ago when your child was born and then lied about it repeatedly.

[Anonymous]

I told my wife she can go to the clinic and do this. I'm not going to stand and her way and she knows how I feel and that I really don't want anymore kids and she said that's not supportive. I told her I can't support her because it's not what I want. See? I said I'll go along with it but that's not enough.