Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re doing everything you can do to work extra and not be home through outside social activities, but wonder why she won’t have sex with you?

THIS is actually classic DCUM. you’ve basically exited your marriage emotially, and it sounds physically, but you resent her for exiting it sexually.

This. While there is likely fault on both sides, it's straight-up hypocrisy to complain that your wife won't sleep with you, when you have made it clear that you don't like her, don't like spending time with her, and don't really want to be with her.

Him not liking her, don't like spending time with her, and not wanting to be with her is the symptom of her not sleeping with him, not the cause of it.

If she denies him sex, then naturally and inevitably his desire to give her his time and attention will diminish - eventually to nothing.

Well, I guess we don't know this, but OP can settle it for us pretty easily. OP - which happened first? Did your wife stop wanting to have sex with you first or did you start making yourself absent from the house more often first?

OP here. Not that it really matters who's to blame (and blame is usually the reason couples don't/can't solve problems...)... but to answer your question... the later came first. In fact, I still spend many more hours in the home and with family as compared with most people I know...

OP, you need to grow up. Marriage is not a contractual obligation for sex 3-5x a week. It's a commitment to form a family, to love, honor, and cherish in sickness and in health. You have young kids, it's pretty normal for a marital sex life to wane during those years due to stress, exhaustion, hormone changes. How a couple reacts to those stressors on a relationship are the indicator of long term success. If you became angry and resentful and distant from your wife, like she was trying to punish you by withholding sex, rather than trying to regain non-sexual intimacy and hope that the physical intimacy would return, then you have made your own bed. For women, sex is often more about the emotional than the physical. If you don't have an emotional connection you won't have a physical connection. If you're not interested in reconnecting on any level, then be a man and tell her. If you're done, you're done, and you owe it to both of you to admit that rather than live in some limbo because it's more convenient. If you're not done, then you need to make some serious changes in order to turn it around. But after what you said, it's entirely possible that it's too late.

This is the standard boring and useless female response to any male complaint about lack of sex.

And no, it is not "normal" for a marital sex life to drop to "five times in three years".

I didn't say dropping to five times in three years was standard, but I doubt it was just an immediate drop. Or, if it was, if that time was during two back-to-back pregnancies? The point is, what happened before the sex stopped? Something. What was it? Was there a physical reason? Or did the relationship break down first? Just demanding more sex isn't going to get OP or any man more sex. If you ever left your mother's basement you might understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:40+, male, and married for just over 20 years. The last 3-4 of which have been awful. Did couples counseling twice and she ended it both times. Been seeing a shrink myself for various related and non related issues.
I’ve purposely changed my schedule in the past 6 months, aiming to be out of the house more (I work part of the time from a home office), and make more social relations outside the marriage. I’ve also started doing more sports and going to the gym after a couple of years I’ve really neglected myself.
Thing is this… our sex life is dead. We’ve probably had sex 5 times in the past 3 years. Non in a year now. We are basically not intimate with each other and she shows little to no physical affection towards me.
Few days ago the she asked me if I was intimate with another women… and out of instinct I said: “it’s no longer your business”.
I’m not actually intimate with another women, but I’m definitely more open to it as this situation prolongs. We have 2 kids, and I would like to keep living under the same roof as them. Divorce would also be very hard on me financially. And truthfully, I still love my wife in many ways. However, I also think/feel that 43 is way to early to give up on any kind of physical relationship. Was I wrong to tell her it’s no longer her business as she’s made it clear she has no interest, or obligation, in sex with me?

you sound like an @$$.

seeing a shrink for various issues, failed attempts at couples counseling, failed attempts at connecting with your wife, avoiding your family and wife for sports/gym/more office time.

it is not clear to me what you do for the family or household or kids or wife.

If his wife has already checked out of the marriage (or worse, is actually having an affair), then no amount of couples counseling, attempting to connect, or "being around her" will work. You can't blame the man for trying and failing if he's got nothing to work with because she's done. He was never going to succeed no matter what he did. There's no point in telling him to "try harder" when her desire level for him is zero.

what exactly did he try? what behavior modifications? what verbal modifications? what did he actually do?

Show me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, OP if you’re home 20 hours a day, what does your wife’s day look like?

OP here... just to be clear... my job requires me to actually be present somewhere else two days a week, for about 4 hours each day. Other than that, I can (and usually have) chose to work from home which is what I've been doing ever since the kids were born. She, on the other hand, is less flexible. She's usually out by 7:30 am and back anytime from 6-9 pm... not that our work/home hours are the heart of the problem. People here just seem to have picked up on this issue... most of them for the wrong reason (thinking I wasn't home enough)

That's a really intense schedule. Does she have a long commute?

OP here. Those are very long hours. And that is why I do take upon myself a bigger portion of the housekeeping role... I'm lucky to be able to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, OP if you’re home 20 hours a day, what does your wife’s day look like?

OP here... just to be clear... my job requires me to actually be present somewhere else two days a week, for about 4 hours each day. Other than that, I can (and usually have) chose to work from home which is what I've been doing ever since the kids were born. She, on the other hand, is less flexible. She's usually out by 7:30 am and back anytime from 6-9 pm... not that our work/home hours are the heart of the problem. People here just seem to have picked up on this issue... most of them for the wrong reason (thinking I wasn't home enough[i])

OP, being HOME isn’t the issue. Being present is.

What are you contributing to the house during those times? To the children? If you’re out the 4 hours a day when your wife actually needs help with the kids, then your being home 20 hours a day is moot, KWIM?

My DH has recently decided to start coming home during lunch, presumedly to “spend more time at home”. I WAH with a flexible job and watch toddler DD. His coming home just saddles me with making his lunch. I still end up making DDs lunch, my lunch, and cleaning up after everyone, plus his coming home means I don’t get to go to the park at that time, as I think it’s important for DD to see him. TBH, half the time he just surfs the internet. He’s probably patting himself on the back for being home more, but really, it’s a huge PITA. I’d rather he give her a bath or give me a break in the evenings to finish my work or to go spent 1/2 hour myself, but he’s usually too busy mowing or whatever else HE feels is important.

OP here. You are reflecting from your life on mine... In terms of parenting, I am as close as a stay at home (primary care taker) as can be.

yes we get it, you are physically home and not in an office most of the time. great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) get to know God.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yypZRTmpitw

2) you two need sex therapy not marriage therapy.


3) life is about management. Be a man and start managing.

Totally agree. Start managing the family(especially if you work part-time) and the fun stuff will follow.

Nope. You can't "manage" a woman into feeling affection or desire. All he'll do with his "management" is make the sexless marriage more convenient for her.

[Anonymous]

I think that OP spending as much time as possible away from his wife is doing exactly the opposite of whatever he thought it would, unless he was just out to punish his wife.

Absence will not make her miss you, OP, it will just show her how you are unnecessary to her, and possibly your kids, life. Not smart and I would knock this off immediately if you do not want a divorce.

Also, spending a lot of time on yourself and sports is a classic middle-age man cliche and it makes you look childish and desperate to people your age, OP. Cut it out. You are a mid-life crisis (your mention of a new car was a dead giveaway).

Get it together. Do you want to get throug this and have a good family life in 10 years or do you need to “be yourself”, whatever that means?

Signed,
45 year old, also married 20 years with 2 kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in a very similar situation. 40+, married 18 years, last two years have been awful. No sex, no affection, no companionship. Basically, cohabiting coparents of our two elementary school kids. I haven't been cheating, but she isn't even interested enough to ask. It isn't her business at this point, though I might not say so. Like you, I love my kids, want to keep living under the same roof, and don't want to inflict pain on them. (In fact, not wanting to hurt them is the only thing that has kept me in the marriage for the past two years.) I also think I'm not ready to give up on having sex or affection for the rest of my life.

I am just not an "open marriage" kind of person. I don't think my wife is either. She would probably overcome her indifference to me enough to resent that, but not enough to start having sex with me again. And what am I gonna do, tell her that every Friday night she needs to watch the kids so I can go on Tinder dates? Awkward. Also, if I found an AP who was giving me sex and affection, I'd want to dump the wife for the AP. If divorce is inevitable anyway, why not do it now? Finally, that's a weird-ass thing to model for the kids. "Oh, mommy and daddy don't sleep with each other, just with other people."

Most of the other posters don't appreciate how tough it is to pull the plug on a low-conflict marriage where the kids are happy and successful. But nothing is going to change if I don't. I suspect the same is true for you. Do you really want to get out of bed a year... five years... ten years from now, and find yourself in the exact same situation? At some point you either have to sht or get off the pot.

You really can't get to the root of the matter or you just don't like it so aren't fixing it? too uncomfortable. too much cognitive dissonance.

Oh I know what the root of the matter is. It's not something I can fix. I have been hoping it would go away, but at this point I have to admit it won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that OP spending as much time as possible away from his wife is doing exactly the opposite of whatever he thought it would, unless he was just out to punish his wife.

Absence will not make her miss you, OP, it will just show her how you are unnecessary to her, and possibly your kids, life. Not smart and I would knock this off immediately if you do not want a divorce.

Also, spending a lot of time on yourself and sports is a classic middle-age man cliche and it makes you look childish and desperate to people your age, OP. Cut it out. You are a mid-life crisis (your mention of a new car was a dead giveaway).

Get it together. Do you want to get throug this and have a good family life in 10 years or do you need to “be yourself”, whatever that means?

Signed,
45 year old, also married 20 years with 2 kids

-1. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

[Anonymous]

OP, I note that you’re responding positively to the posts that support you, and quite defensively and aggressively to the posts that don’t.

I mean, I do t want to point out that this may be a pattern in your life, but... just saying. Surely you jut realize that your wife has a different perspective than you do, and some of the posts you find disagreeable might actually give you some perspective.

But you’re not looking for that, really, are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that OP spending as much time as possible away from his wife is doing exactly the opposite of whatever he thought it would, unless he was just out to punish his wife.

Absence will not make her miss you, OP, it will just show her how you are unnecessary to her, and possibly your kids, life. Not smart and I would knock this off immediately if you do not want a divorce.

Also, spending a lot of time on yourself and sports is a classic middle-age man cliche and it makes you look childish and desperate to people your age, OP. Cut it out. You are a mid-life crisis (your mention of a new car was a dead giveaway).

Get it together. Do you want to get throug this and have a good family life in 10 years or do you need to “be yourself”, whatever that means?

Signed,
45 year old, also married 20 years with 2 kids

Totally wrong. Rewarding her with your time and attention when she is withholding sex not only will fail to achieve the desired result, but is actually counterproductive. The harder you chase someone who doesn't want you, the faster they run away. If you show her you have nothing better to do than hang around eagerly trying to please her when she is treating you with contempt, it will only increase her contempt.

OP, I hope you will ignore all the inane shaming language here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

what exactly did he try? what behavior modifications? what verbal modifications? what did he actually do?

Show me.

Tell him what he should do. The problem with him giving specifics is that it just invites critics to tell him he's doing it wrong. The goalposts always move. If someone gives him a list of things he ought to be doing, he can tell us whether he's been doing those things or not. (And, you know, ultimately none of our opinions matter. He could be doing everything right and just not reaching his spouse for whatever reasons that are particular to her. Other marriages are huge successes even though one or both of the spouses are doing everything wrong.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that OP spending as much time as possible away from his wife is doing exactly the opposite of whatever he thought it would, unless he was just out to punish his wife.

Absence will not make her miss you, OP, it will just show her how you are unnecessary to her, and possibly your kids, life. Not smart and I would knock this off immediately if you do not want a divorce.

Also, spending a lot of time on yourself and sports is a classic middle-age man cliche and it makes you look childish and desperate to people your age, OP. Cut it out. You are a mid-life crisis (your mention of a new car was a dead giveaway).

Get it together. Do you want to get throug this and have a good family life in 10 years or do you need to “be yourself”, whatever that means?

Signed,
45 year old, also married 20 years with 2 kids

-1. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

No, in my mind, absence reminds me I am strong, and capable, and can do it myself, so leave me the F alone if you’re not interested in participating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that OP spending as much time as possible away from his wife is doing exactly the opposite of whatever he thought it would, unless he was just out to punish his wife.

Absence will not make her miss you, OP, it will just show her how you are unnecessary to her, and possibly your kids, life. Not smart and I would knock this off immediately if you do not want a divorce.

Also, spending a lot of time on yourself and sports is a classic middle-age man cliche and it makes you look childish and desperate to people your age, OP. Cut it out. You are a mid-life crisis (your mention of a new car was a dead giveaway).

Get it together. Do you want to get throug this and have a good family life in 10 years or do you need to “be yourself”, whatever that means?

Signed,
45 year old, also married 20 years with 2 kids

Totally wrong. Rewarding her with your time and attention when she is withholding sex not only will fail to achieve the desired result, but is actually counterproductive. The harder you chase someone who doesn't want you, the faster they run away. If you show her you have nothing better to do than hang around eagerly trying to please her when she is treating you with contempt, it will only increase her contempt.

OP, I hope you will ignore all the inane shaming language here.

Can’t remember which pill you guys take, but here’s three. Do you need a link to reddit, or I’m assuming you have that already?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

what exactly did he try? what behavior modifications? what verbal modifications? what did he actually do?

Show me.

Tell him what he should do. The problem with him giving specifics is that it just invites critics to tell him he's doing it wrong. The goalposts always move. If someone gives him a list of things he ought to be doing, he can tell us whether he's been doing those things or not. (And, you know, ultimately none of our opinions matter. He could be doing everything right and just not reaching his spouse for whatever reasons that are particular to her. Other marriages are huge successes even though one or both of the spouses are doing everything wrong.)

The point is, he’s not doing something that his WIFE needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

what exactly did he try? what behavior modifications? what verbal modifications? what did he actually do?

Show me.

Tell him what he should do. The problem with him giving specifics is that it just invites critics to tell him he's doing it wrong. The goalposts always move. If someone gives him a list of things he ought to be doing, he can tell us whether he's been doing those things or not. (And, you know, ultimately none of our opinions matter. He could be doing everything right and just not reaching his spouse for whatever reasons that are particular to her. Other marriages are huge successes even though one or both of the spouses are doing everything wrong.)

He ought to be doing the things his wife needs to do, but king he’s not doing those. He meets her with aggression when she does show a moment of vulnerability.

And checking into therapy is not the same as participating in therapy. Given how little self awareness OP has exhibited in an anonymous forum that he posed the question on, I’m assuming he’s just “going” to therapy.