Why do women let motherhood destroy their marriages...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an answer for you but I agree with you. (I'm a woman, FWIW, no kids, don't want them.) It just so often seems like a woman wants to get married now because she's madly in love with her husband, but because the husband is a means to an end (children). Then the children come and the husband is secondary, always. I don't get it. Your spouse is supposed to be your number one teammate and life partner. And don't you want your kids to have a marriage to someone they are madly in love with? Don't you want to set an example of what true love looks like? I'm with you OP.

Very true. She dates the bad boy for fun and then the nurturing guy with a career to have the house and kids paid for. Despite living in 2016, this basic dynamic between men and women has not changed for decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the OP's premise and many of the other people who posted in here. Now that I'm in my mid 30s, I'm seeing a lot of single female friends "settle" for the most convenient guy so they can get to the kids stage of life.

And yes, parenting seems have morphed into this all encompassing affair where the parents neglect the marriage in order to focus intensely on the child. People seem to have a much harder time of letting go here. I work with a lot of Europeans and their mindset about family life seems to be much more balanced - the spouse will ALWAYS be more important than the child.

I am a DW. If my DH wants to be put first then he needs to put me first ... by not dumping all the work on me.

OMG YES. EXACTLY.

I'm the bachelor PP. Here's the thing, and I'm not saying my experience speaks for everyone. But, I would ask the DWs to truly look back at whether husband was really excited about "all the work" stuff. Or, did you push for things to change? In my own experience, I watched past partners (women) simply want to take on more responsibilities than I did. I was content and consistent about who I was and what I wanted from day one. There was another thread on DCUM a few months back where the OP (a DW) was saying women take on more "emotional labor" then men. But, the men in the thread pointed out they didn't care about choosing throw pillows, how perfect the house looked, what color to paint the unfinished office and when to do it, etc. etc. Men are simple creatures and we rarely change from what we want from day 1.

Honestly, bachelor PP, you don't get it. Kids change things. They are work, so more work needs to be done. Honestly, I had conversations almost daily with my husband before I even got pregnant about how our lives would change post-baby. It still came as a shock to him.

And I bet if you asked your prior partners, they wouldn't say they "wanted" to take on more responsibility. Life requires us to be responsible. I'm trying to imagine telling my husband before we got married that I'm a simple creature who just wants to work, drink wine in the evenings, and have sex a few times a week, but not take on any additional responsibilities in the home. Who the hell would marry someone like that?

I would. In a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't expect to love my children more than my husband. It's just happened. I didn't want kids - he pushed for it. He was talking babies as soon as we got engaged. I actually considered aborting my first pregnancy - I was so reluctant. Now we have two and I can't imagine life without them. DH on the other hand is jealous of my attention towards them and also not sympathetic to how much attention and energy they require from me. I think he saw kids as a possession you acquire and never considered sharing his love with me and them ....

Of course you should love them more. Make some time for him, but know they will be with you for life, so will the grand kids.It get's old for many women having a man baby, why there are so many happy widows out there. Honestly a man jealous of his own kids is pretty pitiful, he would be hard to love at all. Is he also jealous of the dog??????

No way! I'm a daughter with a very close relationship with my mother, but I live 1,000 miles away and talk to her once a week. It's my father who's there for her, living with her. Most people don't live in the same town as their parents, at least the smart, ambitious ones. They move to where the jobs are. Your kids are with you temporarily, they will have their own lives, so you need to also have your own life--with your husband.

This! Someone finally gets it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not just women . People don't prioritize their relationship once kids arrive and then they scratch their heads about why a spouse is cheating or they are on the verge of divorce.

People are obsessed with their kids on a way that is not heat for anyone. Especially true in this area.

Yes I have kids.

^This!

-another parent

You know, I agree that spouses have to make time for each other throughout their lives, even during the difficult little kids phase (if they opt for children). But we don't know that this DW is guilty of obsessive parenting. We have only the word of the DH. He could very well be one of those assholes who thinks basic parenting is over-parenting because he's not interested in doing anything. The only way it works out well is if parents act like partners in all of it. It could be that DW is one of those over-parenting types, but DH could be a whiny, lazy asshole and DW is fed up with him.

[Anonymous]

I'm not going to stick around and I'm a DW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men say dumb shit about "we don't care about the details, we just want what we always wanted from day one" without understanding that means responsibility for the rest of the "details", like the tremendous amount of work required to care for children (especially when they're young), will fall to their wives.

People, of any gender, only have a finite amount of time and energy in any given day. If wifey is tasked with all the kid care crap that husband doesn't even notice/care about, there go her energy points for the things he does (like dressing sexy and getting her fuck on).

As several PPs have pointed out, she doesn't do this because she loves it. She does it because someone has to and he's "not interested".

Why do men let laziness and refusal to grow up destroy their marriages? would be a better question.

I know women really need to grow up. It's real important to pick a woman who has her shit together....most do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men say dumb shit about "we don't care about the details, we just want what we always wanted from day one" without understanding that means responsibility for the rest of the "details", like the tremendous amount of work required to care for children (especially when they're young), will fall to their wives.

People, of any gender, only have a finite amount of time and energy in any given day. If wifey is tasked with all the kid care crap that husband doesn't even notice/care about, there go her energy points for the things he does (like dressing sexy and getting her fuck on).

As several PPs have pointed out, she doesn't do this because she loves it. She does it because someone has to and he's "not interested".

Why do men let laziness and refusal to grow up destroy their marriages? would be a better question.

I know women really need to grow up. It's real important to pick a woman who has her shit together....most do not.

??? take out the "wo"s in that statement.

[Anonymous]

We have only the word of the DH. He could very well be one of those assholes ...

You mean like every other person that starts a posting on this site about his or (mostly) her spouse being in league with Satan? You always have only their word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on the verge of divorcing my DW. The reason is she is an obsessive mother to the point that the kids take all of her "time" and she ignores the marital relationship. Why don't women realize that they need to keep the home fires burning with their DH's and are surprised when the kids fly the coop that DH does not want to stick around?

dear DH - I am an obsessive mother because I am new at this and want to be really good at it. You on the other hand drove us home from the hospital speeding and chatting on your phone. You told me to make your favorite dinner, which I did. Then told me you wanted to come first and our new baby second - thru your words and actions. You made me feel pressure and caught between the two people I love most. You are cruel and removed now months later- so I too want the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We're not talking about an infant, tolddler or even ES age child here. We have a fully functional teen, yet DW insists on doing everything for her. She is way too involved in her life and day-to-day life for the child's age and the child is chafing at it.

Added to this is that the be all and end all of everything is the goddamned house. I pay 1/3 of my salary towards it every month, so you damn right I hate it. DW puts nothing towards it even though she makes just as much money as me. DW never wants to do anything fun. She wants to clean the house and have the perfect lawn, which means me doing the work or paying for it. She is uninteresting. The only things she talks about are shopping, work and the neighbors.

When I suggest we do things, or she listen to a certain piece of music or read a book she says she "doesn't have time." No, DW, you will not make time that is the difference and it is destroying your marriage.

Sorry, OP...that sounds awful. what did you have in common before marriage/children? Could you try booking an activity so she has to go? Not sure what you're into, but do something outside a restaurant: Rock climbing, canoeing, biking, etc. Maybe even find a fashion show/event to attend with her...might be a good first step to show you're going beyond meeting her half way. This may sound silly, but my DH and I have "conversation" cards I bought off of amazon -- good ice breaker for when you're lacking communication. Have you told her how you feel? If shes not willing to put in the effort to revive your marriage, I'd say find someone who will. Once your teen goes to college it'll be very lonely/awkward for you two.

[Anonymous]

I am not quite sure I understand. I have several friends who have six, eight, and ten kids, who homeschool and run small hobby farms. They definitely put taking care of the children and home first, and it takes a great deal of time and energy. I also have friends who work long hours as trauma and transplant surgeons, and one who is over seas right now learning a new robotic surgery technique. I think you couloir easily say that they put their careers before their marriages/. However, all of them seem to have great marriages with husbands who are very supportive, understanding, and even proud of their wives for taking on roles and responsibilities beyond drinking wine and having sex. Why can't the OP handle his wife doing anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't expect to love my children more than my husband. It's just happened. I didn't want kids - he pushed for it. He was talking babies as soon as we got engaged. I actually considered aborting my first pregnancy - I was so reluctant. Now we have two and I can't imagine life without them. DH on the other hand is jealous of my attention towards them and also not sympathetic to how much attention and energy they require from me. I think he saw kids as a possession you acquire and never considered sharing his love with me and them ....

Of course you should love them more. Make some time for him, but know they will be with you for life, so will the grand kids.It get's old for many women having a man baby, why there are so many happy widows out there. Honestly a man jealous of his own kids is pretty pitiful, he would be hard to love at all. Is he also jealous of the dog??????

No way! I'm a daughter with a very close relationship with my mother, but I live 1,000 miles away and talk to her once a week. It's my father who's there for her, living with her. Most people don't live in the same town as their parents, at least the smart, ambitious ones. They move to where the jobs are. Your kids are with you temporarily, they will have their own lives, so you need to also have your own life--with your husband.

You don't know what you are talking about.
You're probably in your 20's and newly out of the nest. Things change as kids get older and have their own kids.
Then extended family time (vacations, holidays, birthdays, visits, etc) with kids, spouses, grandkids etc. become significant in many people's lives again.

[Anonymous]

A good woman always puts her children first. It's your job to support this openly.

It's not a first vs. last proposition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A good woman always puts her children first. It's your job to support this openly.

It's not a first vs. last proposition.

This is a kind of of gender-bound idea that I am surprised to be partially agreeing with. Motherhood is intense for many women, biologically so in the first few years. A good partner would support the mother in handling this intensity.

[Anonymous]

Because the forget that it's best for children to come from a happy home, with parents that model a healthy relationship for them.