Why do women let motherhood destroy their marriages...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the OP's premise and many of the other people who posted in here. Now that I'm in my mid 30s, I'm seeing a lot of single female friends "settle" for the most convenient guy so they can get to the kids stage of life.

And yes, parenting seems have morphed into this all encompassing affair where the parents neglect the marriage in order to focus intensely on the child. People seem to have a much harder time of letting go here. I work with a lot of Europeans and their mindset about family life seems to be much more balanced - the spouse will ALWAYS be more important than the child.

I am a DW. If my DH wants to be put first then he needs to put me first ... by not dumping all the work on me.

OMG YES. EXACTLY.

I'm the bachelor PP. Here's the thing, and I'm not saying my experience speaks for everyone. But, I would ask the DWs to truly look back at whether husband was really excited about "all the work" stuff. Or, did you push for things to change? In my own experience, I watched past partners (women) simply want to take on more responsibilities than I did. I was content and consistent about who I was and what I wanted from day one. There was another thread on DCUM a few months back where the OP (a DW) was saying women take on more "emotional labor" then men. But, the men in the thread pointed out they didn't care about choosing throw pillows, how perfect the house looked, what color to paint the unfinished office and when to do it, etc. etc. Men are simple creatures and we rarely change from what we want from day 1.

Oh you are just a prince! Good luck with life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - in a woman with a child - elementary school - and I AGREE with you. I consider myself to be well rounded and well read - I work and I contribute to the household. However I have seen that I've alway put my DD first and sometimes forget about my husbands needs. I think as a couple you have to still out each other first. DH needs to fulfill my needs and I his - life shouldn't revolve around our child only. I realized I was doing this and have tried to make a change. I think too many women do this - out their husbands second and make it all about the kids. We need to stop and think and realize that we have a partnership (this goes for men too).

+1
DW here with 3 kids between 3-10 and working full time. No nanny so still do lots of house work. DH is very involved with the kids but I do most of the house work. I can confirm it is very hard to balance kids and romance/DH. For many years after giving birth, I loathed sex and I think he was so sad and even complained. I think for most men sex is everything. After reading a lot of threads to what extend men really wanted/value sex and for fear of him cheating, I started having more of it FOR HIM. I even pretended I was in, but wasn't there, I did for him, with no expectations (I had literally given up on us ever connecting). He could not connect with me emotionally to the level I desired and could not could not understand my emotional need which meant everything to me. On top of doing it for him, I also deliberately worked on my attitude, complained less and just did what I could. Surprisingly he is so much happier and started taking more interest in me and my emotional vacuum. I have also started liking the sex much more and our relationship has become much better. I think lack of sex was killing him and I am glad I started just by doing it for him.

DW, you are inspiring. I'm a bachelor that's terrified of marriage because of the scenario you describe here. Unfortunately, I don't think most DWs are this self-aware and willing to do such a 180.

If you are a bachelor forming impressions about "DWs" as a group, you probably shouldn't get married.

I am a 33 year old man who has always envisioned himself getting married. However, as I've watched my friends marriages evolve I hear from my guy friends about the ways their DWs change, esp. as it relates to interest in sex. It almost always goes down and stays much lower. Why would anyone want any part of that?

Because when you are 45, 30 year olds won't want to fuck you and when you are 55 you won't give a shit about sex anyway if you can even still get it up. If you want kids, you do it. If not, you are alone for the last 40 years of your life while your friends are building their families/communities. Women go through intense physiological changes during pregnancy, breastfeeding, and postpartum. Add years of resentment because men still don't do even 1/4 of the household/childcare shit and you have a recipe for disaster.

I don't have the answer, but I think they seriously need to develop the female viagra. NOW.

ha, love your conclusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's just not that into you.

This is it. From the first page.

That stompy-whiny thing going on with the OP is not going to change it. Not one bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Takes two to tango. Help out with the kids more. Hire a sitter and go out to dinner with your DW.

Their kid is a teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the OP's premise and many of the other people who posted in here. Now that I'm in my mid 30s, I'm seeing a lot of single female friends "settle" for the most convenient guy so they can get to the kids stage of life.

And yes, parenting seems have morphed into this all encompassing affair where the parents neglect the marriage in order to focus intensely on the child. People seem to have a much harder time of letting go here. I work with a lot of Europeans and their mindset about family life seems to be much more balanced - the spouse will ALWAYS be more important than the child.

I am a DW. If my DH wants to be put first then he needs to put me first ... by not dumping all the work on me.

OMG YES. EXACTLY.

I'm the bachelor PP. Here's the thing, and I'm not saying my experience speaks for everyone. But, I would ask the DWs to truly look back at whether husband was really excited about "all the work" stuff. Or, did you push for things to change? In my own experience, I watched past partners (women) simply want to take on more responsibilities than I did. I was content and consistent about who I was and what I wanted from day one. There was another thread on DCUM a few months back where the OP (a DW) was saying women take on more "emotional labor" then men. But, the men in the thread pointed out they didn't care about choosing throw pillows, how perfect the house looked, what color to paint the unfinished office and when to do it, etc. etc. Men are simple creatures and we rarely change from what we want from day 1.

Oh you are just a prince! Good luck with life.

Is that supposed to be a rebuttal? Nice argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am on the verge of divorcing my DW. The reason is she is an obsessive mother to the point that the kids take all of her "time" and she ignores the marital relationship. Why don't women realize that they need to keep the home fires burning with their DH's and are surprised when the kids fly the coop that DH does not want to stick around?

It gets better when they get a little older. Perhaps you could try to be more helpful and be patient for a few years? Motherhood is overwhelming and very, very draining.

Try not being so selfish. Put your kids first for a few years. Stay married to their mom.

OP's only kid is a teenager. How much longer is he supposed to wait?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the "unqualified to comment" childless poster. If you don't want my opinion stop reading. But I believe that children are supposed to be the fruit of a true love and life partner. They should not be a substitute, or supersede, the marriage of two people who are madly in love. It's just my personal opinion so feel free to discount it. But what I'm saying is ladies, don't use your husband as a vessel for children. The children should be a living symbol of your love for each other, not a substitute. You can value your children and your spouse equally and make both an equal #1 priority. The love may be different but should not be unequal.

+1

Also a childless (by choice). You hit the nail on the head. Hubby and I had the children talk long before we got married. I made it clear and upfront that I never wanted kids, and he agreed. If we had wanted kids, I would certainly make time for my husband, and I would expect husband to make time for myself. I feel that people put their kids first too much to the point that they stop having a marriage. If you don't put yourselves first once in awhile, you lose that passion and all the reason you fell in love with your spouse to begin with.

I'm a mother & 100% agree with the above PPs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is made for parenthood . It does not get destroyed by motherhood or fatherhood.

What often gets impacted by parenthood is the romantic relationship between two adults when kids are in the mix. These are the same people who think that the culmination of love is marriage. It is not. If you are in love with each other, you can live with each other.

If you are adults who have a solid relationship and good communication and are committed to nurturing the partnership, romance and children, then get married.

Huh? There are people who get married with no intention of ever becoming parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How's the sex life? She probably hates sex too lol.

Since he doesn't partake in their child's activities and is a slacker I can't imagine she'd want to have sex too often.

He needs to get his priorities in order.

Nowhere did OP say that he does not partake in his child's life not did he give enough information for us to come to a conclusion as to whether or not he's a "slacker".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - in a woman with a child - elementary school - and I AGREE with you. I consider myself to be well rounded and well read - I work and I contribute to the household. However I have seen that I've alway put my DD first and sometimes forget about my husbands needs. I think as a couple you have to still out each other first. DH needs to fulfill my needs and I his - life shouldn't revolve around our child only. I realized I was doing this and have tried to make a change. I think too many women do this - out their husbands second and make it all about the kids. We need to stop and think and realize that we have a partnership (this goes for men too).

+1
DW here with 3 kids between 3-10 and working full time. No nanny so still do lots of house work. DH is very involved with the kids but I do most of the house work. I can confirm it is very hard to balance kids and romance/DH. For many years after giving birth, I loathed sex and I think he was so sad and even complained. I think for most men sex is everything. After reading a lot of threads to what extend men really wanted/value sex and for fear of him cheating, I started having more of it FOR HIM. I even pretended I was in, but wasn't there, I did for him, with no expectations (I had literally given up on us ever connecting). He could not connect with me emotionally to the level I desired and could not could not understand my emotional need which meant everything to me. On top of doing it for him, I also deliberately worked on my attitude, complained less and just did what I could. Surprisingly he is so much happier and started taking more interest in me and my emotional vacuum. I have also started liking the sex much more and our relationship has become much better. I think lack of sex was killing him and I am glad I started just by doing it for him.

DW, you are inspiring. I'm a bachelor that's terrified of marriage because of the scenario you describe here. Unfortunately, I don't think most DWs are this self-aware and willing to do such a 180.

If you are a bachelor forming impressions about "DWs" as a group, you probably shouldn't get married.

Yes, because none of the posters on this thread have made generalizations of "DHs" as a group

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not just women . People don't prioritize their relationship once kids arrive and then they scratch their heads about why a spouse is cheating or they are on the verge of divorce.

People are obsessed with their kids on a way that is not heat for anyone. Especially true in this area.

Yes I have kids.

^This!

-another parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the OP's premise and many of the other people who posted in here. Now that I'm in my mid 30s, I'm seeing a lot of single female friends "settle" for the most convenient guy so they can get to the kids stage of life.

And yes, parenting seems have morphed into this all encompassing affair where the parents neglect the marriage in order to focus intensely on the child. People seem to have a much harder time of letting go here. I work with a lot of Europeans and their mindset about family life seems to be much more balanced - the spouse will ALWAYS be more important than the child.

I am a DW. If my DH wants to be put first then he needs to put me first ... by not dumping all the work on me.

OMG YES. EXACTLY.

I'm the bachelor PP. Here's the thing, and I'm not saying my experience speaks for everyone. But, I would ask the DWs to truly look back at whether husband was really excited about "all the work" stuff. Or, did you push for things to change? In my own experience, I watched past partners (women) simply want to take on more responsibilities than I did. I was content and consistent about who I was and what I wanted from day one. There was another thread on DCUM a few months back where the OP (a DW) was saying women take on more "emotional labor" then men. But, the men in the thread pointed out they didn't care about choosing throw pillows, how perfect the house looked, what color to paint the unfinished office and when to do it, etc. etc. Men are simple creatures and we rarely change from what we want from day 1.

Honestly, bachelor PP, you don't get it. Kids change things. They are work, so more work needs to be done. Honestly, I had conversations almost daily with my husband before I even got pregnant about how our lives would change post-baby. It still came as a shock to him.

And I bet if you asked your prior partners, they wouldn't say they "wanted" to take on more responsibility. Life requires us to be responsible. I'm trying to imagine telling my husband before we got married that I'm a simple creature who just wants to work, drink wine in the evenings, and have sex a few times a week, but not take on any additional responsibilities in the home. Who the hell would marry someone like that?

[Anonymous]

Men say dumb shit about "we don't care about the details, we just want what we always wanted from day one" without understanding that means responsibility for the rest of the "details", like the tremendous amount of work required to care for children (especially when they're young), will fall to their wives.

People, of any gender, only have a finite amount of time and energy in any given day. If wifey is tasked with all the kid care crap that husband doesn't even notice/care about, there go her energy points for the things he does (like dressing sexy and getting her fuck on).

As several PPs have pointed out, she doesn't do this because she loves it. She does it because someone has to and he's "not interested".

Why do men let laziness and refusal to grow up destroy their marriages? would be a better question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men say dumb shit about "we don't care about the details, we just want what we always wanted from day one" without understanding that means responsibility for the rest of the "details", like the tremendous amount of work required to care for children (especially when they're young), will fall to their wives.

People, of any gender, only have a finite amount of time and energy in any given day. If wifey is tasked with all the kid care crap that husband doesn't even notice/care about, there go her energy points for the things he does (like dressing sexy and getting her fuck on).

As several PPs have pointed out, she doesn't do this because she loves it. She does it because someone has to and he's "not interested".

Why do men let laziness and refusal to grow up destroy their marriages? would be a better question.

Exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't expect to love my children more than my husband. It's just happened. I didn't want kids - he pushed for it. He was talking babies as soon as we got engaged. I actually considered aborting my first pregnancy - I was so reluctant. Now we have two and I can't imagine life without them. DH on the other hand is jealous of my attention towards them and also not sympathetic to how much attention and energy they require from me. I think he saw kids as a possession you acquire and never considered sharing his love with me and them ....

Of course you should love them more. Make some time for him, but know they will be with you for life, so will the grand kids.It get's old for many women having a man baby, why there are so many happy widows out there. Honestly a man jealous of his own kids is pretty pitiful, he would be hard to love at all. Is he also jealous of the dog??????

No way! I'm a daughter with a very close relationship with my mother, but I live 1,000 miles away and talk to her once a week. It's my father who's there for her, living with her. Most people don't live in the same town as their parents, at least the smart, ambitious ones. They move to where the jobs are. Your kids are with you temporarily, they will have their own lives, so you need to also have your own life--with your husband.