Do any SAHMs get paid by their DH?

[Anonymous]

I totally side with the DH on this. He has already gone way above and beyond - both for you and your family. You are taking advantage of him and playing him for a fool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. If I felt like this was what I needed, I would get a job.

So you think DH has a right to feel upset that I want to be more generous with my family?

I know DH thinks that he is more than generous already. He bit my head off the other day because I had purchased a $100 gift card from Wegmens while I went grocery shopping. I can't remember if it was a target gift card or what I purchased for my brother. It caused a huge fight.

$100 gift card. Really.

You spend $10k a month, but he bit your head off for spending an extra $100. How would he even know you did this?

[Anonymous]

If my household made seven figures and my parents could not look after my disabled sibling properly, I would support him fully and not have him rely on food stamps or anything else. I would treat him like one of my own, and would set up long term care and also a retirement account for him, because one day he will be a senior citizen and you might not be around to look out for him.

I wouldn't be married to a man who would deny my disabled sibling while he's making over a million a year and banking 80% of that. An Aston Martin or his disabled brother in law being well cared for? I just don't understand how people lose their compassion and humanity. Would he treat his own sibling like this?

That being said, if your brother is so disabled that he has never even worked once in his life, how on earth is he able to maintain and operate a car? Where does he drive to and what does he need a $20k car for? If he can drive a car, he can get a part time job, even if it means just socializing, getting out of the house, and having some independence.

[Anonymous]

What is the diagnosis? OP isn't answering that!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the diagnosis? OP isn't answering that!!!!

Probably scared of being outed....but I think the OP knows too much has been got away with it because of the husband paying for everything.

[Anonymous]

I think you don't feel comfortable with your lifestyle and feel guilty that you have so much to spend while your friends and family can't afford as much as you can. Have you considered seeing a therapist to work on this "guilt" issue?

[Anonymous]

The answer to me is easy:

1. DH is willing to be generous with you and the children
2. DH is responsible and wants to save some money and not just spend wildly
3. Agree on what a reasonable amount of personal (not kid related) expenditures is for pampering you (shopping for non essential clothes, meals & drinks with your girlfriends, spa/salon, personal trainers, beauty treatments, etc).
4. Agree that you have discretion over that spending amount (which I'm going to guess is vast) and then cut out some of your luxury spending and divert it to your brother if you want

Going back to work is not the solution. You don't have the right to unilaterally do that. It is something that you and DH agreed would be best for the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my household made seven figures and my parents could not look after my disabled sibling properly, I would support him fully and not have him rely on food stamps or anything else. I would treat him like one of my own, and would set up long term care and also a retirement account for him, because one day he will be a senior citizen and you might not be around to look out for him.

I wouldn't be married to a man who would deny my disabled sibling while he's making over a million a year and banking 80% of that. An Aston Martin or his disabled brother in law being well cared for? I just don't understand how people lose their compassion and humanity. Would he treat his own sibling like this?

That being said, if your brother is so disabled that he has never even worked once in his life, how on earth is he able to maintain and operate a car? Where does he drive to and what does he need a $20k car for? If he can drive a car, he can get a part time job, even if it means just socializing, getting out of the house, and having some independence.

Completely disagree. Your brother is your brother. You have your own family & children to worry about. I think it is reasonable to support your brother for basic needs. Anything beyond that should be agreed by both spouses. Your DH is looking out for the family. Your primary responsibility is your family and not your brother & parents. They are also family but come after your kids & DH. If your parents love/loved you they will/would also agree with that line of thinking.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my DH gives me an annual written performance appraisal (with more frequent oral feedback as necessary). A number of things go into determining my annual bonus. First, he firmly believes in a pay for performance approach. We set certain performance milestones across the board, and I am compensated more for reaching flexible or stretch targets. Of course, personal effort and attitude and being willing to put it out there and go all out matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can jeopardize your brothers benefits giving him income.

This. Your brother may see his benefits decrease or lose them altogether, which is more expense for you.

In regards to my brother, I want to get him a new car. I don't need to necessarily give him more per month. I also have 2 elderly retired parents. They live a very modest life with no luxuries. This has more to do with my parents than my brother.

This thread has made it pretty clear. I will go back to work.

When I was working, I was very resentful that I took the hit for every snow and sick day. DH earned about 3x what I did so of course it made sense that I was the default parent.

Having a successful husband has a lot of negatives.

Just get on with it already...get a divorce and then do what you want! You seem spoiled and ungrateful. If you weren't a spendthrift and were generous then I don't think your DH would have such a problem. However, you seem like a spoiled rich SAHM who loves her life of luxury, feels guilty, and wants to share some luxury with her brother. You don't deserve a DH who works hard to provide a luxurious life for you and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my DH gives me an annual written performance appraisal (with more frequent oral feedback as necessary). A number of things go into determining my annual bonus. First, he firmly believes in a pay for performance approach. We set certain performance milestones across the board, and I am compensated more for reaching flexible or stretch targets. Of course, personal effort and attitude and being willing to put it out there and go all out matter.

Please tell me you are joking.

If not, you are not in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my DH gives me an annual written performance appraisal (with more frequent oral feedback as necessary). A number of things go into determining my annual bonus. First, he firmly believes in a pay for performance approach. We set certain performance milestones across the board, and I am compensated more for reaching flexible or stretch targets. Of course, personal effort and attitude and being willing to put it out there and go all out matter.

Hahahaha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH earns a seven figure income. We decided that it would be best for our family that I leave my well paying six figure job to focus on the kids. DH is very generous with me and our children. I can pretty much buy and do anything for myself or the kids. I have a disabled brother that we support financially. It is probably my own guilt but I feel bad and guilty that I spend thousands and thousands of dollars on travel while my brother drives an old car and lives on a very limited budget. I often have to hide a few hundred in cash to give to my brother. DH bought a home for my brother and pays all his bills. I know he is generous but I would like to be more generous. I have brought this up to DH and DH gets upset about it and how he has 2 families to support. I would prefer DH to give me X thousand per month. If I choose to buy a new Chanel bag or save a few months and buy my brother a car, I want to do as I please. I want to buy my parents some new furniture. I hate that I feel like I have to ask DH for this. If I were still working, this would be a non-issue.

haven't read the whole thread but my initial reaction is WTF

mu husband and I made about a tenth what you and your husband earn and I made sure that before I quit to stay home I had several moms salary in the bank for my own that in an account that was "none of his business". sounds old fashioned but it works for us. I have free reign over my husbands entire check (sounds like you do too) but that account is for things I just don't want to discuss with him. not secret, just private. you should have done the same, even if you are way richer than me.

that said. much are you giving your brother? are you helping him out here and there or supple,eating his income? if the second I can see why your husband is upset. if it is a one off large sum that should be okay with your husband but if it is a huge amount of your family paycheck going to your brother on a regular basis then he is right to oppose it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my household made seven figures and my parents could not look after my disabled sibling properly, I would support him fully and not have him rely on food stamps or anything else. I would treat him like one of my own, and would set up long term care and also a retirement account for him, because one day he will be a senior citizen and you might not be around to look out for him.

I wouldn't be married to a man who would deny my disabled sibling while he's making over a million a year and banking 80% of that. An Aston Martin or his disabled brother in law being well cared for? I just don't understand how people lose their compassion and humanity. Would he treat his own sibling like this?

That being said, if your brother is so disabled that he has never even worked once in his life, how on earth is he able to maintain and operate a car? Where does he drive to and what does he need a $20k car for? If he can drive a car, he can get a part time job, even if it means just socializing, getting out of the house, and having some independence.

Completely disagree. Your brother is your brother. You have your own family & children to worry about. I think it is reasonable to support your brother for basic needs. Anything beyond that should be agreed by both spouses. Your DH is looking out for the family. Your primary responsibility is your family and not your brother & parents. They are also family but come after your kids & DH. If your parents love/loved you they will/would also agree with that line of thinking.

PP here. I don't disagree with your point, but I think that I'm looking at this from a different POV because my son is disabled and low functioning, and I couldn't fathom my older kids leaving him to fend for himself and allowing him to be on food stamps with million dollar incomes. If I had a brother like my son, there isn't a chance in hell I wouldn't provide for him in the event that my parents could not, and our HHI is a fraction of OP's.

But that's the issue with OP and her husband, and why her husband is probably in the right here--her brother can live on his own, do his own shopping and drive around a $20k car, but he can't even work part time? Would love to know what disability he has.