Do any SAHMs get paid by their DH?

[Anonymous]

Here's a thought. Why don't you (i) can the 4 and 5 start resorts and do Airbnb at a reasonable rate, and then (ii) slash your monthly shopping budget, (iii) skip 1st class flights for economy plus, and then (iv) invest all your savings and then give the gains to your seriously handicapped and disabled brother?

Do that or go that your all your super skillz and talents and get a job, work for you money, then give it all the F away like you want to?

You do realize that the money you could save and invest could be the backbone of some small family wealth for a couple generations? i.e. trust funds? There are many people in DC that live of the interest of their interest after working hard, taking risks, starting companies. Most wealthy people go through advisors for smart ways of gifting money and aligning mature incentives. What does your private banker think (assuming liquid net worth of $5m+)?

[Anonymous]

OP I'm in a similar marriage as yours. DH has no problem paying my credit card bills and will not flinch at similar purchases : clothes , so etc. However he is controlling and would not let me help a friend or family member unless it's his idea. It's not about the dollar amount it's about control. I don't think he'd give me a flat amount to do as I please because he wants control.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP - Does your brother qualify for HEAP, Food Stamps, etc.? Do you and DH claim your brother as a dependent for tax purposes?

Yes, he collects food stamps (gets the EBT card filled per month) and a small housing stipend.

He gets a housing stipend when he has a fully paid for house? That sounds fraudulent.

Another Red Flag in this story.

My brother would be homeless without us. He used to live with my parents and my parents were struggling financially so a social worker helped my brother get disability benefits. The housing stipend was calculated based on his share of my parents' home expenses. It was causing my parents too much stress as they aged and had health problems of their own.

DH is technically my brother's landlord. There is a lease. We also have other tenants.

My brother would have been placed in a group home. This broke my heart so DH found a solution.

Your post makes no sense. NO housing stipend from a social worker/gov't is based off of estimated costs of living with your parents. He doesn't need a 20,000 car. He may have been better off in a group home with supervision and services.

Have you filled out social security disability paperwork before?

It asks if my brother works. My brother has never worked one day in his life. We pay for his car, phone, utilities, etc. None of these are under his name. He does not earn income.

Dude, cut the cord.
Your brother is either an irresponsible drug addict who has never worked a day in his life, or,
he is a severely mentally or physically disabled person who needs 24/7 supervision in a facility.

Anything in between is you enabling someone to do nothing with his time. There are many programs that work with a wide gamut of "disabled" people and your brother doesn't participate in any of them? Why not?

Your husband isn't stupid to what's really going on here.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP - Does your brother qualify for HEAP, Food Stamps, etc.? Do you and DH claim your brother as a dependent for tax purposes?

Have you filled out social security disability paperwork before?

It asks if my brother works. My brother has never worked one day in his life. We pay for his car, phone, utilities, etc. None of these are under his name. He does not earn income.

Yes, I used to do it professionally and I did it for a close relative whom we care for as well, only we don't complain about it or make it a drama as you. Your post keeps making no sense. There are two types of disability, one with a work history and one without. Without the pay is very low, but you do get medicare. Given his disability, he should be getting medicaid, food stamps, utility assistance, rental assistance and more. Max benefit is $733. http://www.ssdrc.com/disabilityquestions3-69.html

He does get medicaid, EBT and a direct deposit of almost $900. He does live in a different state. He has no income and no assets.

Not sure why my post makes no sense. I gave up my job to stay home with our children so that DH could focus on his career. DH earns a high income and has no problems with my spending on myself and the kids. I would like some money set aside that I can spend as I wish. I would like to spend this money on my family.

I wanted to know if SAHMs had money allocated to them. I already admitted that I should not have used the word paid.

I have working friends who have fun money accounts and/or separate savings accounts. Since I don't work anymore, I would like to have about 5k transferred to an account per month. Right before DH fell asleep, he said he is happy to give me his bonus. I think he meant I could do whatever I wanted but I did not mention my family at all today.

The post got derailed because of my brother's disability. Maybe I should have said my mom has cancer and can no longer work. I don't think that part matters. I am more interested in the financial arrangement of SAHMs. As of now, I have my retirement savings from when I worked. I have not added to my individual retirement after I quit my job.

HONEY - you have not added to your personal retirement account anything since you quit your job?? WTF? - you should be at least be doing backdoor IRAs, SEP accounts, set up a small biz on the side, get 1099s going and structure up your finances. Plus you'll get tax rate diversity over just keeping it in mutual funds - cap gains taxes are only going up.

[Anonymous]

What illness does your brother have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go back to work if I were you.

+1 If you want to be that generous with your family. Cars, furniture, probably a big house...
Your DH is not responsible for his IL's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm in a similar marriage as yours. DH has no problem paying my credit card bills and will not flinch at similar purchases : clothes , so etc. However he is controlling and would not let me help a friend or family member unless it's his idea. It's not about the dollar amount it's about control. I don't think he'd give me a flat amount to do as I please because he wants control.

I disagree. It doesn't necessarily mean he's controlling. It could mean that he doesn't want to get taken advantage of, or he doesn't want to support deadbeats.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You are too generous, and I don't mean that in a good way. Your friend who was recently divorced in an empty apartment - you want to buy her a couch?? How about being over takeout and a bottle of wine, and help her carry the Craig's list couch up the steps. I have a friend who is very wealthy, like 20 million in her trust fund, and I would not have appreciated such grandiose acts of generosity. And where does it stop? Your parents, brother, friend, what if a cousin loses a job, are you going to pay their rent for 2 months? It seems like your concept of giving is divorced from reality.

Also, I won't feel bad for caring about my loved ones. I believe in showing appreciation. I like to show gratitude to teachers, our housekeeper, our date night sitter and the bus driver. I'm a good tipper.

I have a lot of friends. I think I am a nice person. That is one of the main reasons DH married me.

You sound like a kind person. It might be good for the two of you to see a financial counselor together. If your DH sees that your family has a solid financial plan as far as how much is going to savings, investments, and retirement, he may lighten up a bit. Either way, you should have a certain amount that goes to your own separate account that you get to spend--no questions asked. When he complains, just remind him that it's from your "personal spending account."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are too generous, and I don't mean that in a good way. Your friend who was recently divorced in an empty apartment - you want to buy her a couch?? How about being over takeout and a bottle of wine, and help her carry the Craig's list couch up the steps. I have a friend who is very wealthy, like 20 million in her trust fund, and I would not have appreciated such grandiose acts of generosity. And where does it stop? Your parents, brother, friend, what if a cousin loses a job, are you going to pay their rent for 2 months? It seems like your concept of giving is divorced from reality.

Also, I won't feel bad for caring about my loved ones. I believe in showing appreciation. I like to show gratitude to teachers, our housekeeper, our date night sitter and the bus driver. I'm a good tipper.

I have a lot of friends. I think I am a nice person. That is one of the main reasons DH married me.

You sound like a kind person. It might be good for the two of you to see a financial counselor together. If your DH sees that your family has a solid financial plan as far as how much is going to savings, investments, and retirement, he may lighten up a bit. Either way, you should have a certain amount that goes to your own separate account that you get to spend--no questions asked. When he complains, just remind him that it's from your "personal spending account."

Uhh yeah. OP - Let's see how nice you are when you're over tipping or gifting people with money you earn yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are too generous, and I don't mean that in a good way. Your friend who was recently divorced in an empty apartment - you want to buy her a couch?? How about being over takeout and a bottle of wine, and help her carry the Craig's list couch up the steps. I have a friend who is very wealthy, like 20 million in her trust fund, and I would not have appreciated such grandiose acts of generosity. And where does it stop? Your parents, brother, friend, what if a cousin loses a job, are you going to pay their rent for 2 months? It seems like your concept of giving is divorced from reality.

Also, I won't feel bad for caring about my loved ones. I believe in showing appreciation. I like to show gratitude to teachers, our housekeeper, our date night sitter and the bus driver. I'm a good tipper.

I have a lot of friends. I think I am a nice person. That is one of the main reasons DH married me.

You sound like a kind person. It might be good for the two of you to see a financial counselor together. If your DH sees that your family has a solid financial plan as far as how much is going to savings, investments, and retirement, he may lighten up a bit. Either way, you should have a certain amount that goes to your own separate account that you get to spend--no questions asked. When he complains, just remind him that it's from your "personal spending account."

OP's husband is already supporting his family and his wife's brother. From the sound of it, he's already being very generous in the context of being financially responsible. HE does not need to see a financial counselor.

OP needs to see a real counselor, as does her brother.

[Anonymous]

I don't think that what you are asking for is unreasonable, and I understand where you are coming from.

I wouldn't really call it "getting paid" but I do think that setting a certain allowance for you to spend however you please would make you feel better about how to spend that money, whether that's on your self or your family. It does sound like your husband has already been extra generous with your family... but I do understand your feelings of guilt. my vote: no harm in setting a personal allowance which you use as you please.

[Anonymous]

I think now matter how rich you are you should run a monthly budget.
It's eye opening to both good and bad habits. Put the major line items in and watch it. Revisit every 6 months as things change (childcare, sports, certain trips, Xmas gifts, etc).

You and your spouse agree on the major line items. It's the responsible thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Q. Do any SAHMs get paid by their DH?

A. Nope, no pay for unpaid labor! No fun-times allowance either. But we do both know where our money is being spent.

Asking for money each time you want to do something frivolous or overly generous would really make you think, huh? Maybe that's the point. If it makes you uncomfortable, maybe there's a good reason!

[Anonymous]

Why would he need a car if he doesn't work?
Let alone a $20k car

[Anonymous]

It doesn't seem fair the husband has access to all the money and can spend it as he chooses but she has to ask permission to do the same.