justifiable affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^^^ that. Actions have consequences. If you withhold affection and intimacy from your partner they may cheat. That cheating may lead to divorce. But ALL of those actions have consequences not just the cheating. If you are willing to take that risk by cutting them off from your love, from touch etc. then to be all betrayed and hurt when your spouse steps out is just dumb.

You're right. Actions have consequences. So get a divorce. The husband is telling the wife, to her face, that he won't have sex with her. The wife, behind his back, wants to go sleeping around. Do you see the difference? I don't blame the wife for wanting sex. She can have all she wants with other people. There isn't any good reason to lie and do it behind her partner's back though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^^ that. Actions have consequences. If you withhold affection and intimacy from your partner they may cheat. That cheating may lead to divorce. But ALL of those actions have consequences not just the cheating. If you are willing to take that risk by cutting them off from your love, from touch etc. then to be all betrayed and hurt when your spouse steps out is just dumb.

You're right. Actions have consequences. So get a divorce. The husband is telling the wife, to her face, that he won't have sex with her. The wife, behind his back, wants to go sleeping around. Do you see the difference? I don't blame the wife for wanting sex. She can have all she wants with other people. There isn't any good reason to lie and do it behind her partner's back though.

Unless kids are involved

[Anonymous]

"OP why can't you just love him for who he is? Also is it possible you are not physically attractive enough to raise his sex drive? Why does being married to you cause him such anxiety?"

I had a friend and her husband stopped years ago having sex. We believe he wasn't attracted to her, as she didn't age very well for 46. There is more going on here, and it may be that and many things. Simply move on, but beware you might have a great sex life with the next one, but have more serious problems. I hear it all from friends, sex isn't at the top of their list problem wise.

[Anonymous]

Many women internalize the issue of DH not giving her sex, or cheating on her to mean that the DW isn't attractive to hubby anymore.
I think the issue is more emotional than physical. It's not lack of attractiveness. It's that you won't give him a bj while glazing him in the eyes while you swallow. It's laying there like a corpse making him feel like you don't want to be there. It's all those things that physically put out on , but withhold the intimacy on.
My wife gives me duty sex once a week. I cheat for intimacy and affection from someone that actually shoes she desires me. It's not because my wife hasn't aged well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many women internalize the issue of DH not giving her sex, or cheating on her to mean that the DW isn't attractive to hubby anymore.
I think the issue is more emotional than physical. It's not lack of attractiveness. It's that you won't give him a bj while glazing him in the eyes while you swallow. It's laying there like a corpse making him feel like you don't want to be there. It's all those things that physically put out on , but withhold the intimacy on.
My wife gives me duty sex once a week. I cheat for intimacy and affection from someone that actually shoes she desires me. It's not because my wife hasn't aged well.

How scary that you are risking your wife's health and she has no say. Hopefully you'll get your comeuppance.

[Anonymous]

Cheating is abuse. It's no different then the abuser who tells the cop, "she made me do it".

All cheaters have some excuse for their abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist once told me "there is no such thing as a justifiable affair but there is such thing as a justifiable divorce"

+1

i get this in theory but i think we are both better off married. he is much happier with me than he'd be divorced - i add a lot to his life, have helped his mental health significantly, added stability, and provide companionship that i think makes his day to day much better. he similarly makes my life better than being single would be and day to day we have a happy relationships with each other. but the thought of staring down 50 years without any real sex is crushing.

divorce seems like the worst outcome for us both but maybe that's me fooling myself

Oh fuck right off with all this rationalization bullshit. YOU are better off staying married so you can scratch the itch but don't have to deal with a divorce and losing him "making your life better" while you screw another man on the side behind his back.

It's fundamentally dishonest and hateful for you to pursue a life-long affair rather than divorce him. Either work with him to improve things or divorce him. You are disgusting for justifying your interest in an affair by saying it's good for you both. It would obviously destroy him to find out, so you either woman up and divorce him or woman up and have a honest conversation about how much sex means to you and how you need to find a better solution together.

The bigger truth is many should have stayed single. They are not cut out to be real partners. There are real struggles in life, kid problems, health, and if they can't weather some of the little nonsense best to stay single and have all the sex they want since it's such a priority. No one person can ever meet all your needs be it emotional, sexual, what have you. At some point you have to put the adult pants on and accept it.

This is so true. Marriage is a huge commitment and people hop into it like it's a 2-year Peace Corps stint.

OP, first page: ask him to get CBT instead of this medication. If he doesn't want to do that, divorce him.

Cock and Ball Torture? ...wait, what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheating is abuse. It's no different then the abuser who tells the cop, "she made me do it".

All cheaters have some excuse for their abuse.

Withholding love and affection and sex from your spouse is abuse. All people who do this have some excuse though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^^ that. Actions have consequences. If you withhold affection and intimacy from your partner they may cheat. That cheating may lead to divorce. But ALL of those actions have consequences not just the cheating. If you are willing to take that risk by cutting them off from your love, from touch etc. then to be all betrayed and hurt when your spouse steps out is just dumb.

You're right. Actions have consequences. So get a divorce. The husband is telling the wife, to her face, that he won't have sex with her. The wife, behind his back, wants to go sleeping around. Do you see the difference? I don't blame the wife for wanting sex. She can have all she wants with other people. There isn't any good reason to lie and do it behind her partner's back though.

I agree OP should divorce too, mostly because she's WAY too young to be caretaker for a person who is an emotional mess and can't lead a normal life, and it will wear on her and she'll waste so many good years being this person's crutch. But if she thinks he literally won't survive a divorce, maybe this is the better option. I said this way back on page 1 or 2 but if her husband truly loved her, he'd find a way to address this anxiety in a way that didn't torpedo their sex life, or he would wish her well, tell her he loved her, and send her on her way to find happiness with someone who can give it to her. Doing neither, while blaming his anxiety and holding her to a celibate marriage, is reprehensible and weak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these "stay married for the kids" and "what about the kids" and "I'd leave, but we have kids" posts make me want to shake some sense into the lot of you.

Your kids are NOT IDIOTS. They know something's up. Moreover, they know you're unhappy with your marriage. They'll see other parents who hug, kiss, hold hands, etc. and recognize that those things don't happen in their home. They will internalize the lack of loving companionship you and your spouse model as "normal marriage" and it will be your damn fault! If your spouse leaves you so devoid of physical companionship and intimacy that you're thinking of cheating, and you're using your KIDS as a reason to stay? Please take a good, long look at what your actions are actually teaching your children.

Oh please, more of this deluded black and white thinking. Cheating = broken marriage, family, individual nonsense.

I had two affairs that lasted several months. No one had a clue. I was actually slightly more affectionate with my spouse because the affair was a safety valve that took the pressure of the sexual aspect of the marriage that my spouse wouldn't participate in. My kids had no clue either unless they had surveillance on my when I was away on business, which would be pretty sophisticated for a 3 and 5 year old.

For some reason, its soooo impossible for people to believe that a marriage could be working in every respect - love, respect, finance, companionship, child-rearing - but the sex just doesn't happen because one person doesn't feel the desire any more. Or that everyone would be better off if the spouse that wanted more sex just ripped up the family and threw it in the trash.

You are likely an asshole AND an idiot if you can claim a relationship is fine on "respect" while justifying an affair.

And when you need a "safety valve" again (since you obviously didn't put in the time/effort/work to identify and solve whatever problem led you to use it in the first place), and your kids are older? What then?

What makes you think they're not already aware of the lack of companionship and affection between you and the spouse you cheated on multiple times?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^^ that. Actions have consequences. If you withhold affection and intimacy from your partner they may cheat. That cheating may lead to divorce. But ALL of those actions have consequences not just the cheating. If you are willing to take that risk by cutting them off from your love, from touch etc. then to be all betrayed and hurt when your spouse steps out is just dumb.

You're right. Actions have consequences. So get a divorce. The husband is telling the wife, to her face, that he won't have sex with her. The wife, behind his back, wants to go sleeping around. Do you see the difference? I don't blame the wife for wanting sex. She can have all she wants with other people. There isn't any good reason to lie and do it behind her partner's back though.

I agree OP should divorce too, mostly because she's WAY too young to be caretaker for a person who is an emotional mess and can't lead a normal life, and it will wear on her and she'll waste so many good years being this person's crutch. But if she thinks he literally won't survive a divorce, maybe this is the better option. I said this way back on page 1 or 2 but if her husband truly loved her, he'd find a way to address this anxiety in a way that didn't torpedo their sex life, or he would wish her well, tell her he loved her, and send her on her way to find happiness with someone who can give it to her. Doing neither, while blaming his anxiety and holding her to a celibate marriage, is reprehensible and weak.

I agree, and believe there's more going on. He doesn't want to address it or compromise, I believe it's also an attraction issue.

Best to find new partners with more in common, especially since they are young.

[Anonymous]

OP is the same frustrated guy who has posted many of these. His wife cut him off for obvious reasons, probably stuck for financial reasons only.