justifiable affair?

[Anonymous]

He needs to man up and use his tongue and some toys to meet your quite reasonable needs. That's part of being a good husband. He's your husband, not your patient.

Yes, why is this not on the table? And possibly, you can return the favor. There may be much less pressure on him this way (i.e. less anxiety) that PIV.

[Anonymous]

Op, if he really can't work on this, I would divorce. His anxiety sucks but you are 31! You deserve a happy life with kids and whatever else, not to be crippled by a partner who can't or won't attempt to lead a normal healthy life. Fuck thiiiiiiis, you're too young!

He needs to do whatever he can to address this. He owes that to you as part of HIS marriage vows. Otherwise he's just a wuss who wants his wife to take care of him at the expense of having a life she deserves. Frankly, if he can't give you a normal life, he should man enough to let you go with no hard feelings.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP. I am not telling you to cheat but this issue is just the tip of the iceberg. Looking down the barrel of a marriage where the major need of one partners is not satisfied is not good for either of you.

And in reading some of these other comments, I fully understand why there are so many miserable marriages and why the infidelity rate is so high. It is like many of you have said that sex is not a priority for you but yet your spouse just has to deal if it is a priority to them. Our pre-marital counselor told us point blank that infidelity is wrong. However she said that forced celibacy and denial of intimacy to your spouse is JUST AS WRONG. Sure, there are times when either of you are not in the mood and you should not have to do it at that point. But truth be told, if keeping that connection with your partner is important, you will find the time and the mood on a regular basis. Sure life happens, but I did not sign up for a long miserable, celibate marriage. in the absence of an illness or health issue that prevents sex, forcing that on your spouse is cruel. If that is waht some of you are doing, I could not blame your spouse one bit for having some on the side. I could not imgaine putting up with someone's crap day after day and not being able to get some on the regular. You cannot expect your spouse to honor the marriage compact when you aren't. Marriage is supposed to enhance your life, not be some dreadful death march.


- a DW married for over 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, PP. I've been married 17 years to an asexual man. We have 3 kids. Our sex life is dead. He rebuffs me daily. A few of my coworkers know I'm looking for something on the side and are helping me look. They don't know the why, they just know that I'm looking,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:dh has serious anxiety disorder and after much trial and error found a medication that controls it somewhat years ago. problem is it kills his libido, we have sex ~4x/year and its awful when we do b/c it has to be very quick and focused on his stimulation. he dislikes the side effect but is unwilling to try other meds and risk going back to his point of extreme anxiety.

i've tried to discuss this with him but it just makes him feel awful and produces more anxiety so i've stopped bringing it up. we have a loving and stable marriage otherwise but i can't stand the thought of giving up any sort of satisfying sex life forever when i'm only in my early 30s. he would not be ok with an open marriage and he would be devastated and go off the rails if i left - which i don't want to except for the total lack of sex life.

what would you do in my shoes?

Communication is important. He can be as anxious as he wants, but you still need to communicate.

Have him going down on you like it's his fucking job every other night, even if he's not personally feeling very stimulated. It's not about his libido, it's about your needs being met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:dh has serious anxiety disorder and after much trial and error found a medication that controls it somewhat years ago. problem is it kills his libido, we have sex ~4x/year and its awful when we do b/c it has to be very quick and focused on his stimulation. he dislikes the side effect but is unwilling to try other meds and risk going back to his point of extreme anxiety.

i've tried to discuss this with him but it just makes him feel awful and produces more anxiety so i've stopped bringing it up. we have a loving and stable marriage otherwise but i can't stand the thought of giving up any sort of satisfying sex life forever when i'm only in my early 30s. he would not be ok with an open marriage and he would be devastated and go off the rails if i left - which i don't want to except for the total lack of sex life.

what would you do in my shoes?

Ive been in your shoes, though the sex wasnt quite that infrequent. we had many conversations that went nowhere or worse, he blamed me for his lack of interest, which made me feel terrible about myself. I eventually made myself blameless, i.e. Fixed everything he complained about, and still he didnt want it. So I told him what a huge deal it was and that I was holding him accountable. Esentially I needed to insult his manhood to get him to change. He made an appt with his doctor and went down to half the dose, and things have improved immmensely. He seems like he's not losing his mind Yet, so the dose change has been ok in that regard. It's SSRI, btw

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, if he really can't work on this, I would divorce. His anxiety sucks but you are 31! You deserve a happy life with kids and whatever else, not to be crippled by a partner who can't or won't attempt to lead a normal healthy life. Fuck thiiiiiiis, you're too young!

He needs to do whatever he can to address this. He owes that to you as part of HIS marriage vows. Otherwise he's just a wuss who wants his wife to take care of him at the expense of having a life she deserves. Frankly, if he can't give you a normal life, he should man enough to let you go with no hard feelings.

+1. I would even add go ahead and look for an AP. he's not trying to meet you even halfway. He should either either try to find a medical solution or open up the marriage. Screw this, you're young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dh has serious anxiety disorder and after much trial and error found a medication that controls it somewhat years ago. problem is it kills his libido, we have sex ~4x/year and its awful when we do b/c it has to be very quick and focused on his stimulation. he dislikes the side effect but is unwilling to try other meds and risk going back to his point of extreme anxiety.

i've tried to discuss this with him but it just makes him feel awful and produces more anxiety so i've stopped bringing it up. we have a loving and stable marriage otherwise but i can't stand the thought of giving up any sort of satisfying sex life forever when i'm only in my early 30s. he would not be ok with an open marriage and he would be devastated and go off the rails if i left - which i don't want to except for the total lack of sex life.

what would you do in my shoes?

Communication is important. He can be as anxious as he wants, but you still need to communicate.

Have him going down on you like it's his fucking job every other night, even if he's not personally feeling very stimulated. It's not about his libido, it's about your needs being met.

Ug. Men here don't like it when the women just do it to do it and not be that into it; I don't think the women are going to like it like that, either.

[Anonymous]

OP, please ignore all the judgey bitches on this thread. Only you know what is right for you. Your husband can choose to man up and figure out how he gets the help he needs to meet your needs. If he doesn't do that, it is not fair for him to expect you to give up your sex life! Then you have a choice: you can divorce, you can suck it up or you can, in the words of the great Dan Savage, do what you need to do to stay sane. If that means having an affair, so be it. I absolve you.

[Anonymous]

He has hands and a mouth, so I don't understand why he isn't doing his part to satisfy you. Have you talked to him about that? What does he say?

[Anonymous]

OP, in this case an affair is justifiable.

If one sustains willingly from sex if the spouse is incapable, that IMO is fine with me, but please don't impose your view on other people.

[Anonymous]

Do whatever to keep yourself sane, op.

I was in your shoes until I developed a medical condition that gradually killed half of my drive. But you are still too young for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP. I am not telling you to cheat but this issue is just the tip of the iceberg. Looking down the barrel of a marriage where the major need of one partners is not satisfied is not good for either of you.

And in reading some of these other comments, I fully understand why there are so many miserable marriages and why the infidelity rate is so high. It is like many of you have said that sex is not a priority for you but yet your spouse just has to deal if it is a priority to them. Our pre-marital counselor told us point blank that infidelity is wrong. However she said that forced celibacy and denial of intimacy to your spouse is JUST AS WRONG. Sure, there are times when either of you are not in the mood and you should not have to do it at that point. But truth be told, if keeping that connection with your partner is important, you will find the time and the mood on a regular basis. Sure life happens, but I did not sign up for a long miserable, celibate marriage. in the absence of an illness or health issue that prevents sex, forcing that on your spouse is cruel. If that is waht some of you are doing, I could not blame your spouse one bit for having some on the side. I could not imgaine putting up with someone's crap day after day and not being able to get some on the regular. You cannot expect your spouse to honor the marriage compact when you aren't. Marriage is supposed to enhance your life, not be some dreadful death march.


- a DW married for over 20 years.

+ 1 million

I don't know where all of you gals with no interest in sex come from (did your moms tell you it was bad? Is your DH bad in bed?) but if this is your view you should set your poor husbands free. No whining because you are the mother of his children, just set him free and admit to the world that it's largely your own fault and not his.

DW of 25 years

[Anonymous]

How do so many people end up in marriages with mismatched sex drives?

[Anonymous]

I would divorce him because he refuses to compromise and look into alternative, be them pharmaceutical or an open relationship. He sounds selfish. Yuck.