justifiable affair?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need to insist on going to counseling to address this issue. If you are both committed to staying married, then it has to be addressed or as PP said, the resentment will build up.

It is embarrassing for him and makes him anxious. I get that. It is probably embarrassing and anxiety-producing for you too.

The status quo is him solving his anxiety problem at the expense of your sex life. There are other medications and other solutions, and if he is committed to your happiness as well as his own, he needs to be willing to discuss those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - yes, he's made it clear open marriage would not be ok. it feels stuck in a corner when he can't / won't have sex, isn't open to me fulfilling that elsewhere, and desperately wants to stay married.

i want to stay married also but not retire my sex life at the ripe old age of 31 which he has unilaterally done

You've created a false dilemma where you can't leave him. You're making yourself into a hostage, and putting hte gun in his hand (the variant where he puts the gun to his head and threatens to kill himself if you leave)...and he hasn't done that.

There is absolutely nothing stopping you from saying "this does not work for me". Tell him you either want an open relationship or a divorce, and if you know the open relationship is out of the question, then just skip the choice and tell him you want a divorce.

My ex-wife was like this and I wasted 15 prime years of my peak sexuality and looks on someone who really didn't like sex or didn't like having it with me (I think it wasn't personal). Please do not do that. It is not a matter of choosing between your own life or his life. You are responsible for your life and your well-being; he is responsible for his life and well-being. He is choosing the meds over sex with you. It makes no difference whether this is "justifiable" or not - it matters only that this is his choice. He will live without you.

The only instance in which I think an affair is justifiable is if your incapacitated and legally incompetent spouse can no longer take care of themselves and are dependent upon you, and further, can no longer meet your needs, then the kinder thing is to continue to take care of them rather than abandon them in order to get your needs met. If they are unable to meet their end of the relationship, however, they can't expect you to continue to behave as if that part of the relationship is operative.

It's important to note: why they are not meeting your needs is not the question here. It doesn't matter if it's "beyond their control" or not, or if it's somehow a "socially acceptable" choice or not. Marriage is not a suicide pact. People cannot unilaterally drop their end of the bargain and then expect to hold their partner hostage to a promise. Whether or not you only end parts of your relationship (sex) or all of it, is up to people to work out.

The sanctimonious jerks who think it's somehow OK to just force their partner to be celibate because they themselves no longer want sex, and somehow wanting sex is...base or shameful...get really really tiresome. They wouldn't say the same thing about their partner unilaterally ditching any other part of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And if your highly anxious spouse somehow finds out about your affair, what will that do to his anxiety? An affair is extremely painful for the cheated on spouse. Divorce would be kinder.

Yes, true. Key being "if" she gets caught.

So in the world of what causes most to least pain.

Her remaining married and not getting caught is best.

Her divorcing is second best.

Her remaining married and getting caught is worst.

[Anonymous]

Please don't magnify something that isn't all that important in the realm of things. With all the people I know there's always some problem, meaning you can find someone else down the road..BUT it will simply be another set of problems.

If he's reliable, stable finances, communicates, not a cheater, then you are doing pretty good. If he does his share, even better. I'd take that then the guy who wants sex all the time, and does zip. Look s at other women, and/or doesn't have your back.

I've heard it all, your young don't do something really stupid. Know more then a few that have wrecked their lives and kids over stupidity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have an affair if there were kids involved or divorce if there weren't.

Truth be told, most people have no idea what it feels like to be sexually cut off from their spouse, so they wax poetically about cheating being the ultimate sin. Much like a pro-life person who then changes their tune when their daughter shows up pregnant from the high school drop out.

A good friend was with one of these guys. We would talk hours on the phone. I told her I thought her husband was great. He treated her well, she didn't have to work..made a lot of money and they had pretty good communication. She went back home for a few weeks to visit family and met a guy from college. I was shocked but they started having an affair though she tried to deny it. She then admitted all the attention (sex) he gave her etc. won her over. Long story..sorry but she ended up leaving her husband for this guy. Turned out to be the worst mistake. She was calling me telling me how she made a mistake, and tried to get back with her husband down the road. He was done.

She had a great life, reminds me of that saying: Wanting and having are two different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't magnify something that isn't all that important in the realm of things. With all the people I know there's always some problem, meaning you can find someone else down the road..BUT it will simply be another set of problems.

If he's reliable, stable finances, communicates, not a cheater, then you are doing pretty good. If he does his share, even better. I'd take that then the guy who wants sex all the time, and does zip. Look s at other women, and/or doesn't have your back.

I've heard it all, your young don't do something really stupid. Know more then a few that have wrecked their lives and kids over stupidity.

The OP thinks that this is important. It's important to a lot of people.

I'm married to someone who loves having sex with me, is reliable, stable financially, a good communicator, not a cheater and does his share. That is something that does exist and is possible, so your suggestion that the OP should be grateful for what she has and set aside her needs is pretty rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you think you should do? Make the best of it or divorce. You never cheat.

+1

[Anonymous]

Cheating is never justifiable. What if down the road you or he became ill? Really there is no excuse.....either divorce..date and have all the sex you want. Or be committed like you promised.

[Anonymous]

He needs to man up and use his tongue and some toys to meet your quite reasonable needs. That's part of being a good husband. He's your husband, not your patient.

[Anonymous]

he has no urge or has ED?

[Anonymous]

Also, has he tried wellbutrin? Supposed to be good for anxiety and not kill libido

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We have the same problem in reverse - I have a medical condition that I have to take meds for, that kill my libido. There is no other medical alternative, unfortunately.

So DH accepts the greatly diminished frequency of sex, and I accept that any time we have it, it will be painful.

I believe that as long as each spouse does their best, you shouldn't be straying.

but when its dh you can't just suck it up and do it - he has to physically be into it.

when you say greatly diminished - how frequently is that for you?

Once a month. It used to be daily, I can't believe illness and medication have changed me so much, but there it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - yes, he's made it clear open marriage would not be ok. it feels stuck in a corner when he can't / won't have sex, isn't open to me fulfilling that elsewhere, and desperately wants to stay married.

i want to stay married also but not retire my sex life at the ripe old age of 31 which he has unilaterally done

You have decades and decades of potentially great sex ahead of you. Do not deprive yourself. You are entitled to have an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist once told me "there is no such thing as a justifiable affair but there is such thing as a justifiable divorce"

+1

i get this in theory but i think we are both better off married. he is much happier with me than he'd be divorced - i add a lot to his life, have helped his mental health significantly, added stability, and provide companionship that i think makes his day to day much better. he similarly makes my life better than being single would be and day to day we have a happy relationships with each other. but the thought of staring down 50 years without any real sex is crushing.

divorce seems like the worst outcome for us both but maybe that's me fooling myself

Oh fuck right off with all this rationalization bullshit. YOU are better off staying married so you can scratch the itch but don't have to deal with a divorce and losing him "making your life better" while you screw another man on the side behind his back.

It's fundamentally dishonest and hateful for you to pursue a life-long affair rather than divorce him. Either work with him to improve things or divorce him. You are disgusting for justifying your interest in an affair by saying it's good for you both. It would obviously destroy him to find out, so you either woman up and divorce him or woman up and have a honest conversation about how much sex means to you and how you need to find a better solution together.

The bigger truth is many should have stayed single. They are not cut out to be real partners. There are real struggles in life, kid problems, health, and if they can't weather some of the little nonsense best to stay single and have all the sex they want since it's such a priority. No one person can ever meet all your needs be it emotional, sexual, what have you. At some point you have to put the adult pants on and accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We have the same problem in reverse - I have a medical condition that I have to take meds for, that kill my libido. There is no other medical alternative, unfortunately.

So DH accepts the greatly diminished frequency of sex, and I accept that any time we have it, it will be painful.

I believe that as long as each spouse does their best, you shouldn't be straying.

but when its dh you can't just suck it up and do it - he has to physically be into it.

when you say greatly diminished - how frequently is that for you?

Once a month. It used to be daily, I can't believe illness and medication have changed me so much, but there it is.


Don't worry it's a non-issue because your health takes priority.