justifiable affair?

[Anonymous]

dh has serious anxiety disorder and after much trial and error found a medication that controls it somewhat years ago. problem is it kills his libido, we have sex ~4x/year and its awful when we do b/c it has to be very quick and focused on his stimulation. he dislikes the side effect but is unwilling to try other meds and risk going back to his point of extreme anxiety.

i've tried to discuss this with him but it just makes him feel awful and produces more anxiety so i've stopped bringing it up. we have a loving and stable marriage otherwise but i can't stand the thought of giving up any sort of satisfying sex life forever when i'm only in my early 30s. he would not be ok with an open marriage and he would be devastated and go off the rails if i left - which i don't want to except for the total lack of sex life.

what would you do in my shoes?

[Anonymous]

If you don't have kids, just get an annulment.

[Anonymous]

What do you think you should do? Make the best of it or divorce. You never cheat.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked him if he'd be okay with an open marriage?

[Anonymous]

i dont know if i agree with never cheat - in an otherwise good marriage i think in some situations where sex is off the table (like an illness) the person is better off having their spouse stay married than walking and if something on the side is what makes that doable - is that really the worst outcome

[Anonymous]

My therapist once told me "there is no such thing as a justifiable affair but there is such thing as a justifiable divorce"

[Anonymous]

OP here - yes, he's made it clear open marriage would not be ok. it feels stuck in a corner when he can't / won't have sex, isn't open to me fulfilling that elsewhere, and desperately wants to stay married.

i want to stay married also but not retire my sex life at the ripe old age of 31 which he has unilaterally done

[Anonymous]

Ask him to pursue Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Extreme anxiety and panic disorder run in my family. CBT works better than drugs (it's been proven through research!) and it has none of the crippling side-effects or dependency issues most anti-anxiety drugs have.

After doing CBT about a decade ago, I was able to transition to zero drugs to control my anxiety (I did this so I could get pregnant without, ironically, worrying about how my anti-anxiety medication would affect my baby). It really does work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - yes, he's made it clear open marriage would not be ok. it feels stuck in a corner when he can't / won't have sex, isn't open to me fulfilling that elsewhere, and desperately wants to stay married.

i want to stay married also but not retire my sex life at the ripe old age of 31 which he has unilaterally done

He is not being reasonable. You have every right to make a choice that works best for you. Affair if lying to his face doesn't phase you. Divorce if it does.

He is being selfish, and I have little sympathy for selfish.

[Anonymous]

Has he talked to his doctor? He can stay on his current med but perhaps take something in addition for his libido. I would divorce over lack of sex and my partner not compromising on something that is very important to me in my relationship. I'm a female by the way

[Anonymous]

Viagra?

[Anonymous]

We have the same problem in reverse - I have a medical condition that I have to take meds for, that kill my libido. There is no other medical alternative, unfortunately.

So DH accepts the greatly diminished frequency of sex, and I accept that any time we have it, it will be painful.

I believe that as long as each spouse does their best, you shouldn't be straying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We have the same problem in reverse - I have a medical condition that I have to take meds for, that kill my libido. There is no other medical alternative, unfortunately.

So DH accepts the greatly diminished frequency of sex, and I accept that any time we have it, it will be painful.

I believe that as long as each spouse does their best, you shouldn't be straying.

but when its dh you can't just suck it up and do it - he has to physically be into it.

when you say greatly diminished - how frequently is that for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:dh has serious anxiety disorder and after much trial and error found a medication that controls it somewhat years ago. problem is it kills his libido, we have sex ~4x/year and its awful when we do b/c it has to be very quick and focused on his stimulation. he dislikes the side effect but is unwilling to try other meds and risk going back to his point of extreme anxiety.

i've tried to discuss this with him but it just makes him feel awful and produces more anxiety so i've stopped bringing it up. we have a loving and stable marriage otherwise but i can't stand the thought of giving up any sort of satisfying sex life forever when i'm only in my early 30s. he would not be ok with an open marriage and he would be devastated and go off the rails if i left - which i don't want to except for the total lack of sex life.

what would you do in my shoes?

I would not have an affair. I would insist that he talk to a psychiatrist about adjusting the dose or medication. They aren't just going to cut him off cold turkey, they will probably taper him off and on to something else. If he was unwilling to do that, I would probably get a divorce before I cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We have the same problem in reverse - I have a medical condition that I have to take meds for, that kill my libido. There is no other medical alternative, unfortunately.

So DH accepts the greatly diminished frequency of sex, and I accept that any time we have it, it will be painful.

I believe that as long as each spouse does their best, you shouldn't be straying.

but when its dh you can't just suck it up and do it - he has to physically be into it.

when you say greatly diminished - how frequently is that for you?

Not really. PIV sex isn't the only option for satisfying his wife.