Do you tell the wife that her wonderful husband cheated on her for two years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was being portrayed as some sort of crazy stalker who pounced on a married man, yep, I would set the record straight. Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife who was cheated on but that does not mean that *I* deserve scorn or ill will towards *ME*. Plus, she really should know that her husband is duping unsuspecting women like that.

You care what a complete stranger thinks about you. You know the wife is a complete stranger, you don't know her at all.

Would you walk up to a complete stranger on the street and tell them your story?

How do you know the wife doesn't know the OW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was being portrayed as some sort of crazy stalker who pounced on a married man, yep, I would set the record straight. Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife who was cheated on but that does not mean that *I* deserve scorn or ill will towards *ME*. Plus, she really should know that her husband is duping unsuspecting women like that.

You care what a complete stranger thinks about you. You know the wife is a complete stranger, you don't know her at all.

Would you walk up to a complete stranger on the street and tell them your story?

How do you know the wife doesn't know the OW.

Well, she didn't know they were married. Even if she "knows" the wife, they are not good friends. People think things about you all the time that are not true. You can't go around trying to correct that misinformation every single day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take a different view. I would want to know, pure and simple. It would be most helpful to be told in a symbol, matter of fact way, and to have the option of asking details or not. Perhaps an email stating the very, very basic facts, letting the wife know you will not contact her again or tell anyone else about it, but that she may feel free to contact you if she would like further details or to discuss. Let the wife decide if she believes you, if she wants to know more, or if she does not want to engage at all. Then stick to it. Do not contact her again. At all. That, in my view, would be helpful. She can choose to ignore you, or believe you are not telling the truth, if she wishes. And she has no reason to believe anyone in her community knows anything about the situation.

I have had a good friend decide to move abroad with her husband, leaving her social network and family here in DC. Only to then find out that her husband is a serial cheater, and kept doing so in their new community. So, my friend had to deal with realizing this in a new place, without social or family support, and having just made very significant financial decisions with her husband that were hard to come back from. And then she found out that two of her friends already knew he had been cheating for years. Yes, there is something for allowing people to live in denial if they wish to do so, and to have privacy about the nature of their marriage, whether it is on the rocks, an open marriage, or otherwise. The impact that a manipulative, cheating spouse can have on an unsuspecting partner, though, is tremendous. It is not to be underestimated.

You never know when someone is about to make a significant life choice, whether having an additional child, buying a new home, changing jobs or location in reliance on a spouses Fidelity, or just deciding to pay for private school because, as a married couple, you can afford it. Unwinding these decisions can be terribly hard. While I might not feel comfortable around the person who told me, perhaps ever do to the personal nature of the information, I would be thankful that someone informed me. Denial can be a beautiful thing, but I am a responsible adult who needs to make sure I am making sound personal, family and financial decisions.

So, I suggest letting the wife know as simply as possible and then leaving it to her whether to seek details. And to be clear you will not breathe a word about any of it to anyone else.

And that is fine for you and others that feel that way. No criticism or judgment here. All I am saying is that looking back in my own situation, I would not have been able to emotionally handle such a bombshell. I likely would have lashed out and not in a good way.

There is no guarantee that you will have the luxury of this slow unwinding of the details and this fact finding on your own terms. When something like this is happening in your life the stuff can hit the fan at any time and without warning and sometimes in deliberately unkind and humiliating ways. You don't know how someone is going to get blindsided by the truth, you don't have any control over their reaction. The truth is the truth whether it sucks or not. It is your reality. It's only a bombshell because it IS about you, your life, your marriage. It does affect you whether you know the details or not. Might as well know the details.

I AM aware. I went through it!! I hate to be snarky, but you are lecturing someone who has lived through a cheating spouse. I am simply giving you another perspective. I have the benefit of understanding 100% how a woman would feel discovering that and, yes, that would impact my decision to tell someone about their spouse. Hypotheitcal: Would you tell someone if you had a strong feeling that they would harm themselves, the spouse or the AP? Would you tell someone that you knew would fly off the deep end emotionally? All I am saying is that this an emotional, highly charged issue that involves real people. I just do not think the "right" to tell her is absolute and always the best thing to do.

That being said, I do not begrudge anyone who feels differently. IMO, our differeing opinions illustrate just how complicated this issue can be.

Yes. I would prefer to tell them in a matter of fact, private and compassionate way. I would have no control over what they did with the information but this idea that they will always find out only when and if they want to find out and on their own terms is ludicrous. This bomb has the potential to go off at any moment - any time, any place, anywhere. Just because you keep it a deep dark secret doesn't make it any less true or any less volatile.

Better to hear it privately, calm and matter of fact. That is just my opinion.

And that to me signifies the issue. How can be sure you are doing the right thing if you do not know how the info will be received? You are essentially saying that you would tell the person and you think that you have no moral accountability for telling her. That is the specific type of person that I would NOT want telling me. Frankly, I do not think you have the right to impose information on people without consequence nor do you have the right to decide what is ludicrous in someone else's marriage. In situations like this, what you want and what you think the DW should want are not the priority. I would hope that you would have enough "compassion" to make a determination as whether telling her is the right thing to do under the specific circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was being portrayed as some sort of crazy stalker who pounced on a married man, yep, I would set the record straight. Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife who was cheated on but that does not mean that *I* deserve scorn or ill will towards *ME*. Plus, she really should know that her husband is duping unsuspecting women like that.

You care what a complete stranger thinks about you. You know the wife is a complete stranger, you don't know her at all.

Would you walk up to a complete stranger on the street and tell them your story?

How do you know the wife doesn't know the OW.

Well, she didn't know they were married. Even if she "knows" the wife, they are not good friends. People think things about you all the time that are not true. You can't go around trying to correct that misinformation every single day.

In the first post the OP said that the husband told her that he was separated from his wife. It's possible the OW knows the wife, just not well enough to know that they aren't separated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was being portrayed as some sort of crazy stalker who pounced on a married man, yep, I would set the record straight. Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife who was cheated on but that does not mean that *I* deserve scorn or ill will towards *ME*. Plus, she really should know that her husband is duping unsuspecting women like that.

You care what a complete stranger thinks about you. You know the wife is a complete stranger, you don't know her at all.

Would you walk up to a complete stranger on the street and tell them your story?

How do you know the wife doesn't know the OW.

Well, she didn't know they were married. Even if she "knows" the wife, they are not good friends. People think things about you all the time that are not true. You can't go around trying to correct that misinformation every single day.

In the first post the OP said that the husband told her that he was separated from his wife. It's possible the OW knows the wife, just not well enough to know that they aren't separated.

The point is she is a stranger, she does not know you, just because I see you from a far at my kids school does not make us friends. You are a stranger to me, a stranger who sleeps with my H and one who doesn't even have enough sense to wonder why you have not met his family during the holidays.

The OW and the wife have no relationship... even though the OW thinks she knows the wife from everything she heard from the husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was being portrayed as some sort of crazy stalker who pounced on a married man, yep, I would set the record straight. Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife who was cheated on but that does not mean that *I* deserve scorn or ill will towards *ME*. Plus, she really should know that her husband is duping unsuspecting women like that.

You care what a complete stranger thinks about you. You know the wife is a complete stranger, you don't know her at all.

Would you walk up to a complete stranger on the street and tell them your story?

How do you know the wife doesn't know the OW.

Well, she didn't know they were married. Even if she "knows" the wife, they are not good friends. People think things about you all the time that are not true. You can't go around trying to correct that misinformation every single day.

In the first post the OP said that the husband told her that he was separated from his wife. It's possible the OW knows the wife, just not well enough to know that they aren't separated.

OW knows the wife from all of her narcissicist instragram posts.

The point is she is a stranger, she does not know you, just because I see you from a far at my kids school does not make us friends. You are a stranger to me, a stranger who sleeps with my H and one who doesn't even have enough sense to wonder why you have not met his family during the holidays.

The OW and the wife have no relationship... even though the OW thinks she knows the wife from everything she heard from the husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take a different view. I would want to know, pure and simple. It would be most helpful to be told in a symbol, matter of fact way, and to have the option of asking details or not. Perhaps an email stating the very, very basic facts, letting the wife know you will not contact her again or tell anyone else about it, but that she may feel free to contact you if she would like further details or to discuss. Let the wife decide if she believes you, if she wants to know more, or if she does not want to engage at all. Then stick to it. Do not contact her again. At all. That, in my view, would be helpful. She can choose to ignore you, or believe you are not telling the truth, if she wishes. And she has no reason to believe anyone in her community knows anything about the situation.

I have had a good friend decide to move abroad with her husband, leaving her social network and family here in DC. Only to then find out that her husband is a serial cheater, and kept doing so in their new community. So, my friend had to deal with realizing this in a new place, without social or family support, and having just made very significant financial decisions with her husband that were hard to come back from. And then she found out that two of her friends already knew he had been cheating for years. Yes, there is something for allowing people to live in denial if they wish to do so, and to have privacy about the nature of their marriage, whether it is on the rocks, an open marriage, or otherwise. The impact that a manipulative, cheating spouse can have on an unsuspecting partner, though, is tremendous. It is not to be underestimated.

You never know when someone is about to make a significant life choice, whether having an additional child, buying a new home, changing jobs or location in reliance on a spouses Fidelity, or just deciding to pay for private school because, as a married couple, you can afford it. Unwinding these decisions can be terribly hard. While I might not feel comfortable around the person who told me, perhaps ever do to the personal nature of the information, I would be thankful that someone informed me. Denial can be a beautiful thing, but I am a responsible adult who needs to make sure I am making sound personal, family and financial decisions.

So, I suggest letting the wife know as simply as possible and then leaving it to her whether to seek details. And to be clear you will not breathe a word about any of it to anyone else.

And that is fine for you and others that feel that way. No criticism or judgment here. All I am saying is that looking back in my own situation, I would not have been able to emotionally handle such a bombshell. I likely would have lashed out and not in a good way.

There is no guarantee that you will have the luxury of this slow unwinding of the details and this fact finding on your own terms. When something like this is happening in your life the stuff can hit the fan at any time and without warning and sometimes in deliberately unkind and humiliating ways. You don't know how someone is going to get blindsided by the truth, you don't have any control over their reaction. The truth is the truth whether it sucks or not. It is your reality. It's only a bombshell because it IS about you, your life, your marriage. It does affect you whether you know the details or not. Might as well know the details.

I AM aware. I went through it!! I hate to be snarky, but you are lecturing someone who has lived through a cheating spouse. I am simply giving you another perspective. I have the benefit of understanding 100% how a woman would feel discovering that and, yes, that would impact my decision to tell someone about their spouse. Hypotheitcal: Would you tell someone if you had a strong feeling that they would harm themselves, the spouse or the AP? Would you tell someone that you knew would fly off the deep end emotionally? All I am saying is that this an emotional, highly charged issue that involves real people. I just do not think the "right" to tell her is absolute and always the best thing to do.

That being said, I do not begrudge anyone who feels differently. IMO, our differeing opinions illustrate just how complicated this issue can be.

Yes. I would prefer to tell them in a matter of fact, private and compassionate way. I would have no control over what they did with the information but this idea that they will always find out only when and if they want to find out and on their own terms is ludicrous. This bomb has the potential to go off at any moment - any time, any place, anywhere. Just because you keep it a deep dark secret doesn't make it any less true or any less volatile.

Better to hear it privately, calm and matter of fact. That is just my opinion.

And that to me signifies the issue. How can be sure you are doing the right thing if you do not know how the info will be received? You are essentially saying that you would tell the person and you think that you have no moral accountability for telling her. That is the specific type of person that I would NOT want telling me. Frankly, I do not think you have the right to impose information on people without consequence nor do you have the right to decide what is ludicrous in someone else's marriage. In situations like this, what you want and what you think the DW should want are not the priority. I would hope that you would have enough "compassion" to make a determination as whether telling her is the right thing to do under the specific circumstances.

You seem to think that what makes the affair relevant to the wife is her being informed of it. But maybe the person who tells her about it knows that the OW and the dh have been planning a future life together, just them. Not you. But I guess you would be cool finding that out when he ditches your azz?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take a different view. I would want to know, pure and simple. It would be most helpful to be told in a symbol, matter of fact way, and to have the option of asking details or not. Perhaps an email stating the very, very basic facts, letting the wife know you will not contact her again or tell anyone else about it, but that she may feel free to contact you if she would like further details or to discuss. Let the wife decide if she believes you, if she wants to know more, or if she does not want to engage at all. Then stick to it. Do not contact her again. At all. That, in my view, would be helpful. She can choose to ignore you, or believe you are not telling the truth, if she wishes. And she has no reason to believe anyone in her community knows anything about the situation.

I have had a good friend decide to move abroad with her husband, leaving her social network and family here in DC. Only to then find out that her husband is a serial cheater, and kept doing so in their new community. So, my friend had to deal with realizing this in a new place, without social or family support, and having just made very significant financial decisions with her husband that were hard to come back from. And then she found out that two of her friends already knew he had been cheating for years. Yes, there is something for allowing people to live in denial if they wish to do so, and to have privacy about the nature of their marriage, whether it is on the rocks, an open marriage, or otherwise. The impact that a manipulative, cheating spouse can have on an unsuspecting partner, though, is tremendous. It is not to be underestimated.

You never know when someone is about to make a significant life choice, whether having an additional child, buying a new home, changing jobs or location in reliance on a spouses Fidelity, or just deciding to pay for private school because, as a married couple, you can afford it. Unwinding these decisions can be terribly hard. While I might not feel comfortable around the person who told me, perhaps ever do to the personal nature of the information, I would be thankful that someone informed me. Denial can be a beautiful thing, but I am a responsible adult who needs to make sure I am making sound personal, family and financial decisions.

So, I suggest letting the wife know as simply as possible and then leaving it to her whether to seek details. And to be clear you will not breathe a word about any of it to anyone else.

And that is fine for you and others that feel that way. No criticism or judgment here. All I am saying is that looking back in my own situation, I would not have been able to emotionally handle such a bombshell. I likely would have lashed out and not in a good way.

There is no guarantee that you will have the luxury of this slow unwinding of the details and this fact finding on your own terms. When something like this is happening in your life the stuff can hit the fan at any time and without warning and sometimes in deliberately unkind and humiliating ways. You don't know how someone is going to get blindsided by the truth, you don't have any control over their reaction. The truth is the truth whether it sucks or not. It is your reality. It's only a bombshell because it IS about you, your life, your marriage. It does affect you whether you know the details or not. Might as well know the details.

I AM aware. I went through it!! I hate to be snarky, but you are lecturing someone who has lived through a cheating spouse. I am simply giving you another perspective. I have the benefit of understanding 100% how a woman would feel discovering that and, yes, that would impact my decision to tell someone about their spouse. Hypotheitcal: Would you tell someone if you had a strong feeling that they would harm themselves, the spouse or the AP? Would you tell someone that you knew would fly off the deep end emotionally? All I am saying is that this an emotional, highly charged issue that involves real people. I just do not think the "right" to tell her is absolute and always the best thing to do.

That being said, I do not begrudge anyone who feels differently. IMO, our differeing opinions illustrate just how complicated this issue can be.

Yes. I would prefer to tell them in a matter of fact, private and compassionate way. I would have no control over what they did with the information but this idea that they will always find out only when and if they want to find out and on their own terms is ludicrous. This bomb has the potential to go off at any moment - any time, any place, anywhere. Just because you keep it a deep dark secret doesn't make it any less true or any less volatile.

Better to hear it privately, calm and matter of fact. That is just my opinion.

And that to me signifies the issue. How can be sure you are doing the right thing if you do not know how the info will be received? You are essentially saying that you would tell the person and you think that you have no moral accountability for telling her. That is the specific type of person that I would NOT want telling me. Frankly, I do not think you have the right to impose information on people without consequence nor do you have the right to decide what is ludicrous in someone else's marriage. In situations like this, what you want and what you think the DW should want are not the priority. I would hope that you would have enough "compassion" to make a determination as whether telling her is the right thing to do under the specific circumstances.

You seem to think that what makes the affair relevant to the wife is her being informed of it. But maybe the person who tells her about it knows that the OW and the dh have been planning a future life together, just them. Not you. But I guess you would be cool finding that out when he ditches your azz?

Ugh, people like you are the worst: always inserting themselves into others' drama.
Seriously, STAY OUT OF IT.

There's no reason to upend this poor wife's life. Just because something is the TRUTH does not give you a right to drop it into a stranger's lap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take a different view. I would want to know, pure and simple. It would be most helpful to be told in a symbol, matter of fact way, and to have the option of asking details or not. Perhaps an email stating the very, very basic facts, letting the wife know you will not contact her again or tell anyone else about it, but that she may feel free to contact you if she would like further details or to discuss. Let the wife decide if she believes you, if she wants to know more, or if she does not want to engage at all. Then stick to it. Do not contact her again. At all. That, in my view, would be helpful. She can choose to ignore you, or believe you are not telling the truth, if she wishes. And she has no reason to believe anyone in her community knows anything about the situation.

I have had a good friend decide to move abroad with her husband, leaving her social network and family here in DC. Only to then find out that her husband is a serial cheater, and kept doing so in their new community. So, my friend had to deal with realizing this in a new place, without social or family support, and having just made very significant financial decisions with her husband that were hard to come back from. And then she found out that two of her friends already knew he had been cheating for years. Yes, there is something for allowing people to live in denial if they wish to do so, and to have privacy about the nature of their marriage, whether it is on the rocks, an open marriage, or otherwise. The impact that a manipulative, cheating spouse can have on an unsuspecting partner, though, is tremendous. It is not to be underestimated.

You never know when someone is about to make a significant life choice, whether having an additional child, buying a new home, changing jobs or location in reliance on a spouses Fidelity, or just deciding to pay for private school because, as a married couple, you can afford it. Unwinding these decisions can be terribly hard. While I might not feel comfortable around the person who told me, perhaps ever do to the personal nature of the information, I would be thankful that someone informed me. Denial can be a beautiful thing, but I am a responsible adult who needs to make sure I am making sound personal, family and financial decisions.

So, I suggest letting the wife know as simply as possible and then leaving it to her whether to seek details. And to be clear you will not breathe a word about any of it to anyone else.

And that is fine for you and others that feel that way. No criticism or judgment here. All I am saying is that looking back in my own situation, I would not have been able to emotionally handle such a bombshell. I likely would have lashed out and not in a good way.

There is no guarantee that you will have the luxury of this slow unwinding of the details and this fact finding on your own terms. When something like this is happening in your life the stuff can hit the fan at any time and without warning and sometimes in deliberately unkind and humiliating ways. You don't know how someone is going to get blindsided by the truth, you don't have any control over their reaction. The truth is the truth whether it sucks or not. It is your reality. It's only a bombshell because it IS about you, your life, your marriage. It does affect you whether you know the details or not. Might as well know the details.

I AM aware. I went through it!! I hate to be snarky, but you are lecturing someone who has lived through a cheating spouse. I am simply giving you another perspective. I have the benefit of understanding 100% how a woman would feel discovering that and, yes, that would impact my decision to tell someone about their spouse. Hypotheitcal: Would you tell someone if you had a strong feeling that they would harm themselves, the spouse or the AP? Would you tell someone that you knew would fly off the deep end emotionally? All I am saying is that this an emotional, highly charged issue that involves real people. I just do not think the "right" to tell her is absolute and always the best thing to do.

That being said, I do not begrudge anyone who feels differently. IMO, our differeing opinions illustrate just how complicated this issue can be.

Yes. I would prefer to tell them in a matter of fact, private and compassionate way. I would have no control over what they did with the information but this idea that they will always find out only when and if they want to find out and on their own terms is ludicrous. This bomb has the potential to go off at any moment - any time, any place, anywhere. Just because you keep it a deep dark secret doesn't make it any less true or any less volatile.

Better to hear it privately, calm and matter of fact. That is just my opinion.

And that to me signifies the issue. How can be sure you are doing the right thing if you do not know how the info will be received? You are essentially saying that you would tell the person and you think that you have no moral accountability for telling her. That is the specific type of person that I would NOT want telling me. Frankly, I do not think you have the right to impose information on people without consequence nor do you have the right to decide what is ludicrous in someone else's marriage. In situations like this, what you want and what you think the DW should want are not the priority. I would hope that you would have enough "compassion" to make a determination as whether telling her is the right thing to do under the specific circumstances.

You seem to think that what makes the affair relevant to the wife is her being informed of it. But maybe the person who tells her about it knows that the OW and the dh have been planning a future life together, just them. Not you. But I guess you would be cool finding that out when he ditches your azz?

I do not seem to think anything - unlike you, I have been through it as the cheated on wife - as I said many times. That is the persepctive I was giving you because that is the one that I know. If you want to be a snarky douche because I do not agree with you, then no need for us to converse after this post.

[Anonymous]

I am one of the previous posters. While some may find out about their spouses infidelity on their own in a way that allows them to cope overtime and do thoughtful decision-making, there's no reason to believe that that will be the case. This whole thread seems to post women in such a negative, week light. Are we actually to believe that women are so incapable of dealing with reality that they will allow their life choices to be holy impacted by weather another person knows their husband is fooling around? That it is more of a risk that a wife knows someone in the community is aware of his screwing around then the actual damage done by the affair and his potentially leading his wife? Are women really that fragile? For my part, I am responsible not only for myself and my husband, but also for our children. While I may not like the truth, living in Lala land doesn't help when your husband may be doing something that will burn your whole family, adults and children alike.

This is how people get away with cheating. Cheating, planning to leave their spouses, controlling all the information flow, potential he hiding assets, leaving when strategically most beneficial to the cheater, and gaslighting the victim spouse. I'll because we don't want dear Ms. Lala land to take her head out of the sand and confront reality. This is truly one of the more shocking threads, more surprising than strong views are pretty much anything else!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the previous posters. While some may find out about their spouses infidelity on their own in a way that allows them to cope overtime and do thoughtful decision-making, there's no reason to believe that that will be the case. This whole thread seems to post women in such a negative, week light. Are we actually to believe that women are so incapable of dealing with reality that they will allow their life choices to be holy impacted by weather another person knows their husband is fooling around? That it is more of a risk that a wife knows someone in the community is aware of his screwing around then the actual damage done by the affair and his potentially leading his wife? Are women really that fragile? For my part, I am responsible not only for myself and my husband, but also for our children. While I may not like the truth, living in Lala land doesn't help when your husband may be doing something that will burn your whole family, adults and children alike.

This is how people get away with cheating. Cheating, planning to leave their spouses, controlling all the information flow, potential he hiding assets, leaving when strategically most beneficial to the cheater, and gaslighting the victim spouse. I'll because we don't want dear Ms. Lala land to take her head out of the sand and confront reality. This is truly one of the more shocking threads, more surprising than strong views are pretty much anything else!

Sorry for all of my typos. I am really surprised by the direction of this thread. Very disturbing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read the whole post and one thing I don't understand is why OP (the OW) cares whether strangers think she is a stalker or not. This guy lied to her and to his wife and presumably will continue to lie to make himself look better.

OP shouldn't care what strangers think of her. However, if OP knows these women and is upset they think she is a crazy stalker -- then OP should have also known that this guy was married. Something doesn't add up here.

OP, you can tell the wife or not. She may or may not believe you -- that is her choice. If you do tell her, simply present the information to her. She can choose to corroborate it or not. She can choose to stay or leave. But don't do it with malice. You are angry at this man who lied to you, not his wife.

You should also look at yourself and ask if there were signs that he was married that you had ignored. If you look within yourself, you will see that perhaps you didn't want to really know the truth about him either.

It's a difficult situation. I was the wife who was cheated on (by a man who had a separate condo and girlfriend without my knowledge). I really didn't know. Eventually he came clean and told me. Looking back on it -- there were some signs. I was glad to know the truth. I left and am happier now. However, I don't know whether I would have wanted someone else to tell me any earlier.

If an unfair was happening right in front of your nose and you thought that the wife had no clue about it would you say something? Or would you figure that it wasn't your place to tell?

I approach this from more of a philosophical angle - as in, would I want to know if I were being cheated on? I think that, yes, I would. But how do I know that for sure? You've lived through it so it would be interesting to know if you would just keep your mouth shut in that situation,

PP here again. I did find myself in a similar situation to the OP. I was dating again after the divorce and met a man on OKCupid. We went out on three or four dates and he told me he was divorced. I found out after the fourth date that he was married. I did not sleep with him, although he made it clear that he wanted to sleep with me. I could have anonymously told his wife via Facebook or called her and talked to her in person. I elected not to tell her. She had a young son and I didn't want to be responsible for breaking up their marriage. I told the jerk that I knew he was married (he'd even used a fake name, but he accidentally let his real name slip during dinner one night) and told him that what he was doing was wrong and that his wife and kid deserved better. I didn't threaten to tell his wife. I didn't respond to his follow-up texts. About a month after that, the Ashley Madison stuff happened. His name was on the Fairfax County list...

I didn't say anything to the wife because I don't know what their situation is. I know that he is married and I know he was lying to me. However, I don't know if they have an "understanding" or some other arrangement. It's just not my business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the previous posters. While some may find out about their spouses infidelity on their own in a way that allows them to cope overtime and do thoughtful decision-making, there's no reason to believe that that will be the case. This whole thread seems to post women in such a negative, week light. Are we actually to believe that women are so incapable of dealing with reality that they will allow their life choices to be holy impacted by weather another person knows their husband is fooling around? That it is more of a risk that a wife knows someone in the community is aware of his screwing around then the actual damage done by the affair and his potentially leading his wife? Are women really that fragile? For my part, I am responsible not only for myself and my husband, but also for our children. While I may not like the truth, living in Lala land doesn't help when your husband may be doing something that will burn your whole family, adults and children alike.

This is how people get away with cheating. Cheating, planning to leave their spouses, controlling all the information flow, potential he hiding assets, leaving when strategically most beneficial to the cheater, and gaslighting the victim spouse. I'll because we don't want dear Ms. Lala land to take her head out of the sand and confront reality. This is truly one of the more shocking threads, more surprising than strong views are pretty much anything else!

A PP here. Why is it shocking? It is a complicated issue that in many cases, is not black and white. People ARE allowed to have different opinions and some even have personal experience with the issue. That is why I think these discussions are helpful.. It helps me to understand different points of view, I do not think it paints women in a weak negative light. One, I was not limiting my comments to women - in fact, the example I gave earlier was a man. Two, I do not think that it makes a woman weak either way. It is a life altering experience and deciding whether or not to tell someone should not be taken matter of factly.

[Anonymous]

If OP was labelled "Stalkerish", it will only confirm that label if she confronts the DW with "proof".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read the whole post and one thing I don't understand is why OP (the OW) cares whether strangers think she is a stalker or not. This guy lied to her and to his wife and presumably will continue to lie to make himself look better.

OP shouldn't care what strangers think of her. However, if OP knows these women and is upset they think she is a crazy stalker -- then OP should have also known that this guy was married. Something doesn't add up here.

OP, you can tell the wife or not. She may or may not believe you -- that is her choice. If you do tell her, simply present the information to her. She can choose to corroborate it or not. She can choose to stay or leave. But don't do it with malice. You are angry at this man who lied to you, not his wife.

You should also look at yourself and ask if there were signs that he was married that you had ignored. If you look within yourself, you will see that perhaps you didn't want to really know the truth about him either.

It's a difficult situation. I was the wife who was cheated on (by a man who had a separate condo and girlfriend without my knowledge). I really didn't know. Eventually he came clean and told me. Looking back on it -- there were some signs. I was glad to know the truth. I left and am happier now. However, I don't know whether I would have wanted someone else to tell me any earlier.

If an unfair was happening right in front of your nose and you thought that the wife had no clue about it would you say something? Or would you figure that it wasn't your place to tell?

I approach this from more of a philosophical angle - as in, would I want to know if I were being cheated on? I think that, yes, I would. But how do I know that for sure? You've lived through it so it would be interesting to know if you would just keep your mouth shut in that situation,

PP here again. I did find myself in a similar situation to the OP. I was dating again after the divorce and met a man on OKCupid. We went out on three or four dates and he told me he was divorced. I found out after the fourth date that he was married. I did not sleep with him, although he made it clear that he wanted to sleep with me. I could have anonymously told his wife via Facebook or called her and talked to her in person. I elected not to tell her. She had a young son and I didn't want to be responsible for breaking up their marriage. I told the jerk that I knew he was married (he'd even used a fake name, but he accidentally let his real name slip during dinner one night) and told him that what he was doing was wrong and that his wife and kid deserved better. I didn't threaten to tell his wife. I didn't respond to his follow-up texts. About a month after that, the Ashley Madison stuff happened. His name was on the Fairfax County list...

I didn't say anything to the wife because I don't know what their situation is. I know that he is married and I know he was lying to me. However, I don't know if they have an "understanding" or some other arrangement. It's just not my business.

You went out on 4 dates with the guy and you never actually slept with him. Now his name is on the Ashley Madison list. If the wife wants to know, she will find out.

Op has unwittingly been in an affair with a married guy for *2 years*. He bought a condo that his wife doesn't know about (I think that was Op's guy but I may getting some of the cheaters confused).

That is a lot different than what you are describing although the guy you went out sounds like a real scumbag.