AMA: I am a high achiever raised by awful parents

[Anonymous]

OP, are you 10:17 or 10:22 or both?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you identify and overcome the skills deficits and social deficits that other kids naturally learn through a more or less healthy home life? And do you practice remediation of the screwed up role modeling passed along to you?

Did you kids hang together? In my screwed up house the NPD set us against each other for his own benefit, to long term negative impact. Is it similar for you, or did you escape that.

Do your parents still anger you, or are you past it?

Thx, interesting AMA!

I have no relationship with my parents. Some of my siblings cut ties quickly. I kept waiting for them to change and learn, to realize how lucky they are to have kids who have turned out so well. They both have clinicially psychotic tendencies and screwed me over big time when they realized that I was still a sucker for them. It took a major incident in which I barely escaped harm to make me realize I had to cut ties.

My siblings and I protect each other but not all of us are close. We have a kind of survivors' attachment to each other, but some of my siblings are capable of great duplicity and cruelty too. So, I keep those ones at a distance for my own sake. We will always band together against others though. Also, I am the leader among my siblings though, so I keep tabs on all of them and make sure we don't get too disconnected.

As far as how I learned the skills, I am a mimic. I people watch constantly and imitate everything from syntax to clothes to body language to cultural references. In a way, I identify with the main character in The Talented Mr. Ripley, except I am not antisocial. It became very clear to me once I hit high school that I was abnormal and had not been taught the basic social and emotional skills that others have. I had no one to explain to me, so I had to just watch and emulate. I have been doing so ever since. My siblings are the same. We share insights with each other all the time about complex matters, but also simple stuff such as the proper way to hold a fork (I learned this at age 15 when I was teased about spearing my food and told the rest of my siblings so they wouldn't be teased).

New poster here. OP, this post sounds like something I could have written. Been/going through the same with a mentally ill mother. I too turned out to be an achiever because I wanted to prove worth and ability. I am the leader among my 3 other siblings (but not the oldest), we stick together because we lived through horror together. It's a special bond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you 10:17 or 10:22 or both?

They are right about Mensa. And you are the butthurt one who got that wrong!

[Anonymous]

Lmao I love when people get bitchslapped while trying to call someone else out.

If OP is for real (and I believe him), then you guys calling troll based on nothing are being real dicks to someone who has been through a lot.

What do you get out that?

Personally, I would never pounce unless I knew FOR SURE it was a troll. You have no way of knowing that with OP. What, were you there at dinner with his uncle?

Shitting on people must put money in your kids' college fund, stop your husband from cheating, or something.

[Anonymous]

New Poster here.

I was a little surprised to see such a long thread on something so true of me.

I was raised poor by a crazy mom, have a brother in prison, another with anger issues, college drop outs both of them and yet I"m an over achiever who is now a millionaire!

I am not a member of Mensa. I don't tend to join groups and hate paperwork. (I do think my brothers and I all have high IQs but only I have been tested 140 so not super-high).

My worry, as a parent, is that my special snowflakes won't know troubles and so won't have one ounce of the resilience that I have and that might negatively impact their success. That said, I see all these HYP ARL parents who are good parents, good people, who made great kids and I think how did they do that?

I"d love to know .I can't mirror my parenting and thus have no guide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you 10:17 or 10:22 or both?

They are right about Mensa. And you are the butthurt one who got that wrong!

I take it as a "yes" to both.
And who cares what Mensa accepts as qualifying test scores that was not the contradictory point but the semantics argument was charming indeed.
As well as discourse deterioration into "butthurt", "bitchslapped" and "shitting". Well done, OP.

Well, at least Jeff knows for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you identify and overcome the skills deficits and social deficits that other kids naturally learn through a more or less healthy home life? And do you practice remediation of the screwed up role modeling passed along to you?

Did you kids hang together? In my screwed up house the NPD set us against each other for his own benefit, to long term negative impact. Is it similar for you, or did you escape that.

Do your parents still anger you, or are you past it?

Thx, interesting AMA!

I would be grateful if you could describe in more detail how the NPD set you against each other for his own benefit. I have belatedly come to suspect this is what has happened in my family, but then again it could be completely wrong. Thanks.
Interesting thread, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you identify and overcome the skills deficits and social deficits that other kids naturally learn through a more or less healthy home life? And do you practice remediation of the screwed up role modeling passed along to you?

Did you kids hang together? In my screwed up house the NPD set us against each other for his own benefit, to long term negative impact. Is it similar for you, or did you escape that.

Do your parents still anger you, or are you past it?

Thx, interesting AMA!

I would be grateful if you could describe in more detail how the NPD set you against each other for his own benefit. I have belatedly come to suspect this is what has happened in my family, but then again it could be completely wrong. Thanks.
Interesting thread, OP.

OP: I can't speak for PP, but I can explain how my NPD father and my parents tried to set my siblings against each other and succeeded at times. Here's an example: During the years when my mother was dragging me through the game show/trivia etc circuit, my parents kept me on a short leash. I got no pocket money, would have to argue for new clothes, and was not allowed to eat anywhere nice, not even to celebrate a win. It turned out that they were telling my siblings that my siblings couldn't have the things they wanted because they were spending too much on me! My older brother was into basketball and wanted a simple hoop set to attach to the wall and my mother said no to him, citing me. I had no idea about any of this.

Things came to a head when I was on a televised kids game show and won some nice prizes. My older brother kicked over a garbage can in the waiting room in a fit of rage at the first round and then ripped the pages out of an encyclopedia set I had won in the final round, shrieking that I was a brat. Years later, I found out how much resentment my siblings had towards me for that period of time. My siblings had no idea that I had not been living it up when my mom drove me to events and had in fact not gotten to keep any prizes or money. My parents wholesale made things up just to set the kids against each other.

[Anonymous]

Wow... am so impressed and truly glad to hear that your siblings have all survived and thrived despite the neglect. I'm sorry to hear that your childhood was so deprived though.

[Anonymous]

Was there any physical abuse during your childhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was there any physical abuse during your childhood?

OP: Yes. Everyone was beating everyone, lol, but my father was the most violent by far. I mentioned it in my first post, actually (not trying to be unpleasant by pointing that out).

[Anonymous]

Was there any single adult who had the most positive effect on you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was there any single adult who had the most positive effect on you?

OP: Many. My second grade teacher was the first person who ever called me smart. I was this grubby kid and he smiled at me as if I was the best child he had ever come across. The day he said that to me, my inner life changed. From then on, I was so desperate to maintain his opinion of me that I worked as hard as I could and was on my best behavior. I did well, which led to other teachers noticing me, which led to me doing even better. Virtuous cycle. Looking back as an adult, I learned from that experience that I should compliment everyone for being the best version of themselves even when they are not yet there. People often live up to compliments and live down to criticism.

My fifth grade teacher fought for me to be put in gifted classes. It was a real fight and she is the one who arranged my IQ test. The school argued I was fine where I was, high IQ or not. If my second grade teacher changed my internal life, my fifth grade teacher changed my external circumstances in ways that were crucial. After a nearly year-long fight, I was taken out of her class, put in gifted classes and resources were made available to me that I had not known about before. I also had a new standard to live up to and I did. The way people talked to and about kids in the gifted class was different. Makes one wonder how much of being labeled "gifted" is just a self-fulfilling prophecy at work.

My seventh grade English teacher was the first person to compliment my looks. I used to avoid photos because I was very self conscious about my worn clothes, rough hair, and overall unkempt appearance. On the last day of school, he was taking photos of the kids and saw I kept stepping out of photos. He came up, told me I looked sharp, and took a photo of me by myself. I didn't respond, but I wondered if I might not be as gross as my parents and other kids were telling me I was. For years after, I would bring up the memory when I needed some confidence.

The pastor's wife at the church we went to for a couple of years when I was in High School used to select me to read passages and teach Sunday School to little kids. She said I was a good example. She also invited me to the first real restaurant I ever went to and signed me up for bible memorization competitions. I used the gift certificates I won to buy brand new books that I would just stare at. She meant a lot to me and I want to find her and thank her, but somehow, I am just afraid to go back.

Thanks for this trip down memory lane. I owe a lot to people who were just kind. Casual gestures that made me feel human and opportunities I was given to shine in small ways that contradicted the stream of verbal abuse my parents subjected me to were transformative. I should have thought of this in responding earlier to questions about how I managed to do well.

[Anonymous]

OP: I can't pick which of those three had the most positive effect on me because all three set me on the course I have held fast to. I honor them by volunteering nowadays with kids like me. Many people don't realize how thirsty some kids are for just one positive word, some indication that someone is glad they exist. I know the feeling and I can recognize that need in others, which I think makes me a good volunteer.

[Anonymous]

Whoever wrote "The Glass Castle" is trolling this thread hard under the guise of calling OP a troll.

How many times are you going to plug that book? Get a life.