AMA: I am a high achiever raised by awful parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you guys are writing a book!

I have honestly considered it, but many of us are not yet ready to wade through those memories. In order to share my experiences, I would necessarily be sharing theirs too. It is a lot to process and I am not sure that we will all emerge emotionally intact if we look backwards.

[Anonymous]

I always said no matter how kids are raised, it's a 50/50 split on how they'll turn out. You did good OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me too except 3 of my siblings have substance abuse problems, one is dead from an overdose and the other is in jail.

So ... there is the other issue that most kids don't really survive that sort of environment.

The PP who mentioned an NPD parent here. Agree - it is downright dangerous to be a neglected kid. Predators smell it. Teachers know who the kids are who the parents don't care about (even with forged signatures) and know they can treat you badly and never hear from home. You really need your wits about you. Most of the time I had to front like I had a family, even if it was obviously hollow. I resonated with OP's mention of lots of forged signatures.

And even if you survive that kind of thing, there is the lack of knowledge of self-care, or lack of belief in being worthy of care, or cultivation, or a future. I am sorry to know about your siblings PP. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me this is a true story and not a troll! I am one of those who always think I am screwing up as a parent and my sins do not com anywhere close to those of your parents.

Also, you are all high achievers. Are you all generally pretty happy, too?

OP:

This is not a troll. I am actually leaving out many of the more sordid details. We are happy in the every day sense, but all battle depression, loneliness, trust issues, abandonment issues etc. One of us started to drink too much, but the rest of us called him out on it. Every day is a challenge for me emotionally because the safer I am, the more it hits me just how much we lacked and the more it hurts. I also suffer from PTSD-like symptoms.

No one in our lives knows this about us. We all project an almost perfect serenity and seem better adjusted than most people. Whenever we get together, we are the picture of success and glamour. People often comment on how charmed our lives must be.

[Anonymous]

I don't think story is uncommon (not taking away from your achievements, because the ability to thrive despite traditional role models is amazing). I just don't think most people with neglected childhoods care to talk about it.

I'm willing to bet your parents also had high IQs, which had a negative affect on their ability to parent. I've read a few book of a similar theme - The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls, Free Spirit by Joshua Safran.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you identify and overcome the skills deficits and social deficits that other kids naturally learn through a more or less healthy home life? And do you practice remediation of the screwed up role modeling passed along to you?

Did you kids hang together? In my screwed up house the NPD set us against each other for his own benefit, to long term negative impact. Is it similar for you, or did you escape that.

Do your parents still anger you, or are you past it?

Thx, interesting AMA!

I have no relationship with my parents. Some of my siblings cut ties quickly. I kept waiting for them to change and learn, to realize how lucky they are to have kids who have turned out so well. They both have clinicially psychotic tendencies and screwed me over big time when they realized that I was still a sucker for them. It took a major incident in which I barely escaped harm to make me realize I had to cut ties.

My siblings and I protect each other but not all of us are close. We have a kind of survivors' attachment to each other, but some of my siblings are capable of great duplicity and cruelty too. So, I keep those ones at a distance for my own sake. We will always band together against others though. Also, I am the leader among my siblings though, so I keep tabs on all of them and make sure we don't get too disconnected.

As far as how I learned the skills, I am a mimic. I people watch constantly and imitate everything from syntax to clothes to body language to cultural references. In a way, I identify with the main character in The Talented Mr. Ripley, except I am not antisocial. It became very clear to me once I hit high school that I was abnormal and had not been taught the basic social and emotional skills that others have. I had no one to explain to me, so I had to just watch and emulate. I have been doing so ever since. My siblings are the same. We share insights with each other all the time about complex matters, but also simple stuff such as the proper way to hold a fork (I learned this at age 15 when I was teased about spearing my food and told the rest of my siblings so they wouldn't be teased).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you still have a relationship with your parents? Have any of you inherited your parents' mental illness? What kind of therapy did you have yourself?

I suspect a couple of my siblings are bipolar or borderline. Mental illness runs very strong on both sides of the family. I had myself evaluated and I have PTSD symptoms and struggle with depression, but that's it, lol. If that is all there is, I think I am doing well. I went to four therapy sessions, but she kept wanting to know more and more and I just have a hard time confiding in others. I also find it very painful to dwell on the memories too long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me too except 3 of my siblings have substance abuse problems, one is dead from an overdose and the other is in jail.

So ... there is the other issue that most kids don't really survive that sort of environment.

+1

Similar story here (no jail). My bet is about 50/50, a little higher than your estimation. Because some people want to be better than their parents - given this kind of situation. Then, there are those that will never be good enough, so they give up. Not to sound trite or dismissive, because there is much more to this type of environment. Thanks for sharing, OP.

Does anoye know about this, in your day to day life? I am curious, because no one knows about mine.

[Anonymous]

sorry - anyone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you all have very high IQs? Did your parents have substance use problems?

You should write a book... sounds like an interesting story.

My parents did not have substance abuse problems. Both were sober and just really dangerous people without empathy or guilt. I have been told by doctors that people with that level of personality dysfunction independent of substance abuse are rare in the population and for two of them to get together is even rarer.

I am the only one who has had my IQ measured and it is near genius level. I would not be surprised if that is true for my siblings too. Side story: when my mother heard about my IQ, she saw a chance to make a buck and enrolled me in a series of game shows and competitions on the local and national stage. I won most. After a couple of years, she got bored of playing stage mom, stole my winnings, and took off for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you guys are writing a book!

I have honestly considered it, but many of us are not yet ready to wade through those memories. In order to share my experiences, I would necessarily be sharing theirs too. It is a lot to process and I am not sure that we will all emerge emotionally intact if we look backwards.

I get this, completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me too except 3 of my siblings have substance abuse problems, one is dead from an overdose and the other is in jail.

So ... there is the other issue that most kids don't really survive that sort of environment.

+1

Similar story here (no jail). My bet is about 50/50, a little higher than your estimation. Because some people want to be better than their parents - given this kind of situation. Then, there are those that will never be good enough, so they give up. Not to sound trite or dismissive, because there is much more to this type of environment. Thanks for sharing, OP.

Does anoye know about this, in your day to day life? I am curious, because no one knows about mine.

OP here (not PP). No one in my life apart from my siblings and my parents has any real idea. My spouse knows a bit, but only enough to think that my parents are run of the mill jerks. I have never let my spouse meet them because they know an easy target when they see one and would target my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you and your siblings went through that suffering. The questions for me wouldn't be your career track or your HHI, although they sound impressive, but how are you doing emotionally. Are you happy? Do you have loving, stable relationships?

Same question.

+1

The importance of achievement pales relative to mental health and stability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me too except 3 of my siblings have substance abuse problems, one is dead from an overdose and the other is in jail.

So ... there is the other issue that most kids don't really survive that sort of environment.

+1

Similar story here (no jail). My bet is about 50/50, a little higher than your estimation. Because some people want to be better than their parents - given this kind of situation. Then, there are those that will never be good enough, so they give up. Not to sound trite or dismissive, because there is much more to this type of environment. Thanks for sharing, OP.

Does anoye know about this, in your day to day life? I am curious, because no one knows about mine.

So yes about 50/50... there are 6 of us.

BTW... the one in jail made $350K a year. Another one has a company that was making $500K/year until he crashed... coke. One sibling move across the country at 17 and never looked back but quit working at 50 because his anxieties are terrible... but his wife make tons of money so he is a SAHD... to his teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you identify and overcome the skills deficits and social deficits that other kids naturally learn through a more or less healthy home life? And do you practice remediation of the screwed up role modeling passed along to you?

Did you kids hang together? In my screwed up house the NPD set us against each other for his own benefit, to long term negative impact. Is it similar for you, or did you escape that.

Do your parents still anger you, or are you past it?

Thx, interesting AMA!

I have no relationship with my parents. Some of my siblings cut ties quickly. I kept waiting for them to change and learn, to realize how lucky they are to have kids who have turned out so well. They both have clinicially psychotic tendencies and screwed me over big time when they realized that I was still a sucker for them. It took a major incident in which I barely escaped harm to make me realize I had to cut ties.

My siblings and I protect each other but not all of us are close. We have a kind of survivors' attachment to each other, but some of my siblings are capable of great duplicity and cruelty too. So, I keep those ones at a distance for my own sake. We will always band together against others though. Also, I am the leader among my siblings though, so I keep tabs on all of them and make sure we don't get too disconnected.

As far as how I learned the skills, I am a mimic. I people watch constantly and imitate everything from syntax to clothes to body language to cultural references. In a way, I identify with the main character in The Talented Mr. Ripley, except I am not antisocial. It became very clear to me once I hit high school that I was abnormal and had not been taught the basic social and emotional skills that others have. I had no one to explain to me, so I had to just watch and emulate. I have been doing so ever since. My siblings are the same. We share insights with each other all the time about complex matters, but also simple stuff such as the proper way to hold a fork (I learned this at age 15 when I was teased about spearing my food and told the rest of my siblings so they wouldn't be teased).

God, your post just articulated what I did too, though to a much lesser extent. I learned all the social stuff of how to behave, but not the moral stuff - how to choose to do what is right, how to be kind to people and establish long term relationships. I did exactly what you did.