Reply to AMA: I am a high achiever raised by awful parents

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Was there any single adult who had the most positive effect on  you?[/quote]

OP:  Many. My second grade teacher was the first person who ever called me smart. I was this grubby kid and he smiled at me as if I was the best child he had ever come across. The day he said that to me, my inner life changed. From then on, I was so desperate to maintain his opinion of me that I worked as hard as I could and was on my best behavior. I did well, which led to other teachers noticing me, which led to me doing even better. Virtuous cycle. Looking back as an adult, I learned from that experience that I should compliment everyone for being the best version of themselves even when they are not yet there. People often live up to compliments and live down to criticism.

My fifth grade teacher fought for me to be put in gifted classes. It was a real fight and she is the one who arranged my IQ test. The school argued I was fine where I was, high IQ or not. If my second grade teacher changed my internal life, my fifth grade teacher changed my external circumstances in ways that were crucial. After a nearly year-long fight, I was taken out of her class, put in gifted classes and resources were made available to me that I had not known about before. I also had a new standard to live up to and I did. The way people talked to and about kids in the gifted class was different. Makes one wonder how much of being labeled "gifted" is just a self-fulfilling prophecy at work.

My seventh grade English teacher was the first person to compliment my looks. I used to avoid photos because I was very self conscious about my worn clothes, rough hair, and overall unkempt appearance. On the last day of school, he was taking photos of the kids and saw I kept stepping out of photos. He came up, told me I looked sharp, and took a photo of me by myself. I didn't respond, but I wondered if I might not be as gross as my parents and other kids were telling me I was. For years after, I would bring up the memory when I needed some confidence.

The pastor's wife at the church we went to for a couple of years when I was in High School used to select me to read passages and teach Sunday School to little kids. She said I was a good example. She also invited me to the first real restaurant I ever went to and signed me up for bible memorization competitions. I used the gift certificates I won to buy brand new books that I would just stare at. She meant a lot to me and I want to find her and thank her, but somehow, I am just afraid to go back.

Thanks for this trip down memory lane. I owe a lot to people who were just kind. Casual gestures that made me feel human and opportunities I was given to shine in small ways that contradicted the stream of verbal abuse my parents subjected me to were transformative. I should have thought of this in responding earlier to questions about how I managed to do well.

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