AMA: I am a high achiever raised by awful parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me too except 3 of my siblings have substance abuse problems, one is dead from an overdose and the other is in jail.

So ... there is the other issue that most kids don't really survive that sort of environment.

+1

Similar story here (no jail). My bet is about 50/50, a little higher than your estimation. Because some people want to be better than their parents - given this kind of situation. Then, there are those that will never be good enough, so they give up. Not to sound trite or dismissive, because there is much more to this type of environment. Thanks for sharing, OP.

Does anoye know about this, in your day to day life? I am curious, because no one knows about mine.

OP here (not PP). No one in my life apart from my siblings and my parents has any real idea. My spouse knows a bit, but only enough to think that my parents are run of the mill jerks. I have never let my spouse meet them because they know an easy target when they see one and would target my spouse.

I thought I could walk away from my past. I've always been the sane one and the survivor. But for me, even though I'm much more successful than anyone ever thought I would be, my problems with trust and emotional intimacy are a big factor that led to the end of my marriage. Maybe it's easier for men because there is more of a cultural model for being a man who is emotionally distant? Which is the long way of saying that even when you think you've walked away from your past, it can come back and bite you in the ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if you have kids, how are your raising them?

For a long time, I did not want kids. I did not want to get married either. I wanted to spend my life alone and safe. But my spouse met me and wouldn't let go (broke up with my spouse over 20 times before we got married because I was afraid). My spouse really wanted kids. So, we have a couple now. I am very loving and devoted to my family. I was that parent with the Ergo strapped to me nearly 24/7 whose kids never slept through the night because I would get up with them at any hour and did not have the heart for cry it out. I fed them all organic, never let them cry before I ran over with a toy and hugs, coslept and hired a specially trained nanny after convincing my boss to let me telecommute for a year. I know for a fact that kids can turn out well without all of this (duh). But I want them to have the life I saw other kids enjoying when I used to roam neighborhoods alone.

I take family very seriously. The dark side is that I am secretly paranoid about their safety. I had a PI shadow my nanny for a week after she started. As much as we have, I am always worried about them not having enough. I have an emergency fund, back up emergency fund, and secret stash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if you have kids, how are your raising them?

For a long time, I did not want kids. I did not want to get married either. I wanted to spend my life alone and safe. But my spouse met me and wouldn't let go (broke up with my spouse over 20 times before we got married because I was afraid). My spouse really wanted kids. So, we have a couple now. I am very loving and devoted to my family. I was that parent with the Ergo strapped to me nearly 24/7 whose kids never slept through the night because I would get up with them at any hour and did not have the heart for cry it out. I fed them all organic, never let them cry before I ran over with a toy and hugs, coslept and hired a specially trained nanny after convincing my boss to let me telecommute for a year. I know for a fact that kids can turn out well without all of this (duh). But I want them to have the life I saw other kids enjoying when I used to roam neighborhoods alone.

I take family very seriously. The dark side is that I am secretly paranoid about their safety. I had a PI shadow my nanny for a week after she started. As much as we have, I am always worried about them not having enough. I have an emergency fund, back up emergency fund, and secret stash.

Wow. OP do you/have you continue to get therapy for yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me too except 3 of my siblings have substance abuse problems, one is dead from an overdose and the other is in jail.

So ... there is the other issue that most kids don't really survive that sort of environment.

+1

Similar story here (no jail). My bet is about 50/50, a little higher than your estimation. Because some people want to be better than their parents - given this kind of situation. Then, there are those that will never be good enough, so they give up. Not to sound trite or dismissive, because there is much more to this type of environment. Thanks for sharing, OP.

Does anoye know about this, in your day to day life? I am curious, because no one knows about mine.

OP here (not PP). No one in my life apart from my siblings and my parents has any real idea. My spouse knows a bit, but only enough to think that my parents are run of the mill jerks. I have never let my spouse meet them because they know an easy target when they see one and would target my spouse.

I thought I could walk away from my past. I've always been the sane one and the survivor. But for me, even though I'm much more successful than anyone ever thought I would be, my problems with trust and emotional intimacy are a big factor that led to the end of my marriage. Maybe it's easier for men because there is more of a cultural model for being a man who is emotionally distant? Which is the long way of saying that even when you think you've walked away from your past, it can come back and bite you in the ass.

I am actually very warm, effusive, and demonstrative. I am mostly an open book to my spouse except for my childhood. I do not hide that because I am trying to keep my spouse at arm's length; I just don't even know where to start telling the story and digging all of those feelings up is needlessly painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But do you feel you lead balanced lives? There are children who when faced with negligent parents decide to achieve, achieve achieve. Their need to prove worth and ability is thrown into overdrive and they become very successful, but are they well-wounded? Some are some aren't.

And how does any of this translate to how you raise your own children. That will be the big tell of whether you moved beyond your horrible upbringing.

Either way, congratulations to you and your siblings for making it through that nightmare.

I might have already answered this, but I do feel I lead a balanced life. I enjoy my work and my colleagues love me. We are like a family at work. My spouse and kids are wonderful and my family life is like a Disney movie. We eat dinner together every night, we work out problems calmly, and we love each other. I am close to my in laws. I have hobbies I enjoy and the money to spend on them. I have friends who I host all the time. Every area of my life today is great. I worked really hard to get here, but I am still very grateful.

Sometimes, I want to pinch myself and I get anxious about losing this idyllic life that so few enjoy. So, I have some anxiety and even though I come off as placid and affable, I don't really trust anyone other than my spouse and kids. I don't think that will change, but the older I get (I am in my mid-30s), the more I am able to deal with triggers that used to make me feel depressed. So, life is good and getting easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me this is a true story and not a troll! I am one of those who always think I am screwing up as a parent and my sins do not com anywhere close to those of your parents.

Also, you are all high achievers. Are you all generally pretty happy, too?

Not OP, but my background is similar. After a really troubled early adulthood, my brothers and I are doing very well. Kids can and do overcome what their parents do to them. If you are over the age of 25 and still blaming your parents for stuff, you need to look in the mirror.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me too except 3 of my siblings have substance abuse problems, one is dead from an overdose and the other is in jail.

So ... there is the other issue that most kids don't really survive that sort of environment.

The PP who mentioned an NPD parent here. Agree - it is downright dangerous to be a neglected kid. Predators smell it. Teachers know who the kids are who the parents don't care about (even with forged signatures) and know they can treat you badly and never hear from home. You really need your wits about you. Most of the time I had to front like I had a family, even if it was obviously hollow. I resonated with OP's mention of lots of forged signatures.

And even if you survive that kind of thing, there is the lack of knowledge of self-care, or lack of belief in being worthy of care, or cultivation, or a future. I am sorry to know about your siblings PP. Hugs.

OP: This is so true. The neglect was more dangerous to me than the physical abuse. I found myself in the crosshairs of more than one pedophile and escaped only by my wits. Teachers liked me because I was smart, but other kids picked on me viciously and with impunity. I also used to struggle with defending myself. I used to be too easygoing about my boundaries being crossed because I didn't have any innate sense of how I should be treated. I have learned with age and experience (and also by watching how others with high self esteems like my spouse insist they be treated).

[Anonymous]

ok. good you made a success of your life but take care of your PTSD. STAT!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me this is a true story and not a troll! I am one of those who always think I am screwing up as a parent and my sins do not com anywhere close to those of your parents.

Also, you are all high achievers. Are you all generally pretty happy, too?

Not OP, but my background is similar. After a really troubled early adulthood, my brothers and I are doing very well. Kids can and do overcome what their parents do to them. If you are over the age of 25 and still blaming your parents for stuff, you need to look in the mirror.

OP: I wouldn't go this far. Neglect, abuse, and pain leave deep wounds, sometimes too deep to ever really heal. Some people are more resilient than others and it is a shame to blame hurt people for being hurt.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, I admire your strength, courage and drive. I was raised by immigrant parents who didn't have a lot of drive, never wanted me to step outside of my culture. Their main objective was to work. Yes, they provided a loving home for us, but never pushed us to do anything with our lives. I remember wanting to be a cheerleader. I got the teacher recommendations, tried out made it! Only to be told I couldn't join because the games were at night and nice girls don't go out at night. :sigh: After high school I wanted to be an flight attendant, had the interview lined up, etc. Only to be told no, that's not the job for a girl like you. There are more.... but I digress. Like your parents they didn't really care about report cards, never took an interest in my or my siblings school. Never encouraged college.

My life is good now, I have a successful spouse, loving kids, great friends, etc. What's missing is the drive that I see others have. I continue to dwell on the past and just can't step outside of that box I've lived in all these years.

[Anonymous]

How far can you punt a football?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me this is a true story and not a troll! I am one of those who always think I am screwing up as a parent and my sins do not com anywhere close to those of your parents.

Also, you are all high achievers. Are you all generally pretty happy, too?

Not OP, but my background is similar. After a really troubled early adulthood, my brothers and I are doing very well. Kids can and do overcome what their parents do to them. If you are over the age of 25 and still blaming your parents for stuff, you need to look in the mirror.

OP: I wouldn't go this far. Neglect, abuse, and pain leave deep wounds, sometimes too deep to ever really heal. Some people are more resilient than others and it is a shame to blame hurt people for being hurt.

I'm the person that you are responding, too. There is do doubt that it's a burden that you can carry your whole life. I don't blame people for being hurt. I don't blame people who try to get better and get out, but can't. I blame people for being hurt and refusing to do anything about it. You can get on with your life or you can wallow in the mess that your parents made for you. If you refuse to try to get better, that's your choice. If you haven't started moving on by 25, and your life is fucked up, you're the person who is responsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ok. good you made a success of your life but take care of your PTSD. STAT!

Yea, I find that that is getting better with time. My flares come when I perceive someone as a danger to my kids. I caught a man standing really close to my eight year old daughter at the supermarket. He reached out to touch her hair. I ran up and had him in a bulldog choke before he knew what was up. I didn't crank it more than I had to and I let him up as soon as the security guards arrived. But the rage I felt was definitely extra because it reminded me of something in my childhood. My spouse felt I should not have put hands on him and I know I am more likely than others to react with violence, but I also know the law and am just within its confines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How far can you punt a football?

Am I pissed or calm? I have unusual strength and accuracy when something triggers me, but am otherwise pretty uncoordinated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me this is a true story and not a troll! I am one of those who always think I am screwing up as a parent and my sins do not com anywhere close to those of your parents.

Also, you are all high achievers. Are you all generally pretty happy, too?

Not OP, but my background is similar. After a really troubled early adulthood, my brothers and I are doing very well. Kids can and do overcome what their parents do to them. If you are over the age of 25 and still blaming your parents for stuff, you need to look in the mirror.

OP: I wouldn't go this far. Neglect, abuse, and pain leave deep wounds, sometimes too deep to ever really heal. Some people are more resilient than others and it is a shame to blame hurt people for being hurt.

I'm the person that you are responding, too. There is do doubt that it's a burden that you can carry your whole life. I don't blame people for being hurt. I don't blame people who try to get better and get out, but can't. I blame people for being hurt and refusing to do anything about it. You can get on with your life or you can wallow in the mess that your parents made for you. If you refuse to try to get better, that's your choice. If you haven't started moving on by 25, and your life is fucked up, you're the person who is responsible.

I get what you are saying, but I insist that one cannot place arbitrary age limits on healing. I volunteer with at risk youths and most of them fall through the cracks. Look at how difficult it is to do well in this society even without the physical and emotional baggage of an abusive childhood. To ask people with all that extra baggage and far fewer resources to just shrug it aside is asking a lot indeed. I try to support the people I know who are struggling and step aside if I cannot.