Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child

[Anonymous]

OP, you posted your title incorrectly.

Based on which posts you are responding to and how you are responding, you are NOT seeking "opinions" about the situation.

You are seeking affirmation that you are correct and that your BIL is a big, mean jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

That was my post and I get it. I think the key for me would have been staying in the room. These are your inlaws (I think it is your DH's sister but I am not sure). These are people who are going to be in your life for a long time.
You need to do something next time you see them to help your kids to feel safe around him. He is their uncle after all. He may be strict but in his house he is allowed to be.

I get that you reacted with your gut. In the heat of the moment who knows what each of us would have done. We all have the benefit of time to think and distance from the situation.

As I mentioned it seems everyone was in the wrong but I think only BIL apologized. I think you need to say something and I think DD does as well.
You can apologize by phone. Something along the lines of "I am sorry I got so upset but when I saw that was happening my instincts kicked in." and then talk a bit about how you'd like to see things unfold if this happens again. b/c it will happen again, you have young kids and kids are not always known for their great listening skills. My DS can remember how to enchant a diamond sword in mine craft after not playing for a few weeks yet he can't remember to brush he teeth after breakfast something he does EVERY DAY.

Next time DD sees them she can say, sorry I stood on the couch last time I saw you. I won't do it again.

Good luck OP. Family dynamics are tough.

OP here. Thanks, PP, for the insights and suggestions.


(I don't know why I typed SIL in some places. This is my sister, and her husband.)

Also, thank you to all PPs for sharing opinions.

[Anonymous]

Wow, 10 pages in an hour and a half. New record?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also don't necessarily think that the apology means that BIL was so out of line. I have apologized to my SIL before when she has really not deserved it, and I was not really sorry and did nothing wrong in my view. However, she is nothing but drama and I did it so that my MIL would not be upset because the family is fighting. MIL knew I didn't do anything wrong either but was grateful I kept the peace.

It's possible BIL apologized because he didn't want his wife to come home to her family gone and God knows what kind of rift left behind.

Yep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL had no business saying "my house my rules". Such behaviour is expected from kids and if I were you I would never go there to stay the night again. Out of line.

why not? Maybe the yelling was uncalled for, but it sounds like the child is a spoiled brat, who doesn't listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you posted your title incorrectly.

Based on which posts you are responding to and how you are responding, you are NOT seeking "opinions" about the situation.

You are seeking affirmation that you are correct and that your BIL is a big, mean jerk.

OP here. Yes, I suppose you're right. In that case, please pardon the mis-titling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B

That was my post and I get it. I think the key for me would have been staying in the room. These are your inlaws (I think it is your DH's sister but I am not sure). These are people who are going to be in your life for a long time.
You need to do something next time you see them to help your kids to feel safe around him. He is their uncle after all. He may be strict but in his house he is allowed to be.

I get that you reacted with your gut. In the heat of the moment who knows what each of us would have done. We all have the benefit of time to think and distance from the situation.

As I mentioned it seems everyone was in the wrong but I think only BIL apologized. I think you need to say something and I think DD does as well.
You can apologize by phone. Something along the lines of "I am sorry I got so upset but when I saw that was happening my instincts kicked in." and then talk a bit about how you'd like to see things unfold if this happens again. b/c it will happen again, you have young kids and kids are not always known for their great listening skills. My DS can remember how to enchant a diamond sword in mine craft after not playing for a few weeks yet he can't remember to brush he teeth after breakfast something he does EVERY DAY.

Next time DD sees them she can say, sorry I stood on the couch last time I saw you. I won't do it again.

Good luck OP. Family dynamics are tough.

No, I'm sorry. This response is too reasonable. Doesn't belong on DCUM. Let's go back to saying either (a) we allow our kids to jump on furniture, or (b) those people are Satan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. BIL obviously has temper issues or he wouldn't have apologized. And why did SIL apologize for an incident she wasn't even home for unless she knew about his temper issues and, upon hearing HER OWN DH's version, knew that HE'D been the one who overstepped?

OP, to address your question, whether or not to stay there in future depends on how candidly you and they can talk about what happened and how to handle similar situations. I do agree with some of those on team BIL that your kids picked up on your response and it intensified their reaction, so you'd also need to be able to turn that down if something happens--like, stay in the room and comfort your kid with BIL there so's not to send the message that he is a monster. It may not be worth it to you to do that work, in which case--hotel.

OP here. Thanks for these thoughts PP.

sure thing OP. been on both sides of this--have a DH who is overbearing AND family members where the cost of staying w them is putting up with their irritating parenting.

[Anonymous]

Just sharing: I was beaten and screamed at as a child growing up and have deep emotional scars from it. I don't care if it's family - NOBODY touches my child in an aggressive manner. Use words.

[Anonymous]

Don't take your children back until they know how to properly behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just sharing: I was beaten and screamed at as a child growing up and have deep emotional scars from it. I don't care if it's family - NOBODY touches my child in an aggressive manner. Use words.

Grabbing a child to remove them from a dangerous situation is so totally different than abuse. I'm sorry you were abused, but this is not the same situation at all. FWIW, I was abused and screamed at as a child, too (and well into my teens), but I can see the difference between abuse and this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also don't necessarily think that the apology means that BIL was so out of line. I have apologized to my SIL before when she has really not deserved it, and I was not really sorry and did nothing wrong in my view. However, she is nothing but drama and I did it so that my MIL would not be upset because the family is fighting. MIL knew I didn't do anything wrong either but was grateful I kept the peace.

It's possible BIL apologized because he didn't want his wife to come home to her family gone and God knows what kind of rift left behind.

it still points back to BIL's temper being a known quantity in the family. Even if you are right with this, it means he didn't want to have to answer the question "where did they go? what happened?" with "well, her kid was on the armrest and wouldn't come down, and I..." He had just raised his voice at two ADULTS about their child and his authority. Is that sort of behavior really normal for so many of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. To clarify about the leg-grabbing--I don't think that he removed her from the couch--I think she got herself down onto the seat part when she saw him moving toward her. She scrambled down, and he grabbed at her as she was scrambling down. By the time I turned around, she was on the seat part face-up with her legs facing him, and he was leaning over the arm rest trying to grab at her legs.

OP, how do you know how it all went down if you had your back to them? You are making assumptions based on your bias.

It sounds as if she was maybe trying to kick him or scramble back up to the arm rest and that is why he grabbed her legs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We recently made a weekend visit to my sister and her DH and 2 children. My kids are 4 and 6 and hers are about the same ages. Here is what happened (I was with my back turned, helping my other child with something, so did not see all of it directly): My 4YO apparently climbed onto the arm rest of the couch and was standing on it. My BIL firmly told her "no...no...." and she did not comply. He then moved toward her with the intention of physically removing her from the couch. By the time I realized that there was something happening and turned around, she was on the seat of the couch crying and trying to crawl away, and he was standing over her grabbing at her legs. I picked her up and ran out of the room with her as she continued to cry; as I did so, I heard my BIL yell (to me, I assume) "she needs an attitude adjustment!!" After I had left the room (this next part is what my DH says), my other daughter started crying, presumably because she was scared. My DH said to her "it's okay, it's okay" and my BIL screamed at him (this I heard from the other room) "It's NOT okay!! This is my house, my rules!!" I proceeded to the room in which we were staying and my DH and other daughter soon followed. We did not know what to do but we both wanted to leave that instant. My 4YO was still sobbing and repeating "I want to go home" over and over. My older daughter was also still crying. We began packing up our stuff. We did not know what to do because my nephew's birthday party (the reason for our visit) was later that day. My BIL came up to our room shortly after and apologized. My SIL did, too. We ended up staying through the party, but left immediately after it finished instead of staying over a second night as originally planned.

My main questions are, would you have handled this differently and if so how? Also, what would you do going forward? My DH and I are in agreement that we really should not ever stay at their home again. (I should mention that although this is the worst incident that has ever happened, it is not the first...my sister and her BIL have very different parenting styles than we do. They are very strict and military-like and strongly favor punishments and corporal punishment, whereas we do not).

You did the right thing. And I would actually say that you showed remarkable composure in this situation. I'd be careful about your interactions with your BIL in the future. Don't stay with them - meet them in the park or some place neutral. He seems to have anger issues if he snapped in this seemingly harmless situation. Grabbing your child's legs was not ok. And neither was yelling "she needs an attitude adjustment." There are a million ways to handle children not following instructions without losing it. Yelling at your husband trying to comfort your other child was also not ok.

I mean for pete sake, the child stood on the couch and he reacted as if she lunged at him with a knife!

[Anonymous]

Same thing happened to me but I did not run out of the room or pack up.

My brother disciplined my child for standing on something he should not stand on but his way of handling it was heavy handed and my son screamed bloody murder. I didn't move and I let it go on for a little until he turned to me and said "r u going to do something" I asked " you want me to clean up your mess?"

In the meantime, I pulled up a picture of his younger child standing on the counter getting a snack, it was on FB and it said! little man helping himself... So cute.

It's cute when it is yours right, I said as I showed him the picture

My SIL who is awesome said, "got you on that one."

Whatever, kids are not perfect, they climb on shit.

My roommate from college was visiting and her son stood on my coffee table, I knew what he was doing it, like hey look we are in front of a stranger what ya going to do. So I quietly told her, I know you are sweating this one, I am going to pretend to get something from the kitchen, he will be less brave with me gone. that is how you handle it.

Never judge... Provide support.