Puzzling "Stand Off" In Relationship (Not-Married)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again here. Other than the 1 d-bag who tried, I emphasize *tried*, to have a personal argument with me in this thread, I just don't get the reaction. I'm not looking for your approval in this thread or keen relationship advice. Just looking for the main theory as to why gf continues with the status quo. Very few quality answers. A few. I think whoever said inertia made some sense. In any event, thread has been jacked, so I doubt little theorizing with actual contributions to my questions will be raised. Instead, bitter old hags who want to believe a near-40 year old woman who wants natural kids has nothing to lose by continuing in a relationship that is off course want to debate my income.

i told you on page one what you are missing is your GF's empathy and compassion for you and that you actually need to leave. She feel sorry for you and isn't kicking you out. That's all there is dude. You're digging yourself in here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how do you know she isn't just keeping you on as a friend? are you living together? How do you know there is no one else? Why are you in therapy with a GF? Get rid of her.

Thank you for the advice, but I'm not looking for relationship advice. I'm just asking if anyone else out there has been in a similar standoff. It doesn't have to be around sex. But just some non-negotiable that has changed in a relationship, but neither side is blinking, even though fixing that element of the relationship if a pre-condition of moving forward in the relationship. Yes, we live together in a very nice house that she owns and pays the mortgage on and I'm sure there is no one else. She's an entrepreneur who works 70+ hours a week. Otherwise she's home with the new puppy.

yes you do want relationship advice. there is no general answer. 1.5 yr standoffs don't end well especially if it is over sex. you all are roommates and she's NOT THROWING YOU OUT on your ass. That's what you are missing is her compassion for you. You need to leave.

I have my own place actually. Don't want to give more details. But I do have housing I could leave easily if I wanted to. Again, I care about her and I want it to work again. Obviously I wouldn't have tried couples counseling if I didn't care about trying to revive things. And no, I don't want relationship advice in the sense of I'm asking "how can I make things improve?" Rather, I'm asking if anyone has had a stand off before? And, why do people think (given the info I've given) she hasn't blinked, given everything she stands to lose?

you keep saying you have zero housing costs so I am going to assume this place is your parents? OP, the reasons your GF is keeping you around don't need to be "strong" or "valid" arguments to us or you. They only need to make sense to her. I seriously question her judgment. I think she is batshit cray cray for keeping you around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like she might be gay. Not attracted to men but likes having a steady BF to show off. She doesn't want kids. Even LD women kick up the sex when they'd like to conceive a baby. She just thinks it sounds good or what she should want. A 37yo woman working over 70 hrs a week and gets a new puppy is avoiding the man in her bed. Either the sex (for her) was not as good as you thought or she likes women.

Meanwhile, OP has wasted his 30s on this woman.

Yeah exactly. OP has wasted a decade on this woman. Oh wait. OP met woman when he was 30. OP Just turned 33. Turns out OP has 7.5 more years before he turns 40. And OP is a dude whose career is on the rise. Damn facts.

Doesn't matter. He's 34 this year and has spent his entire early 30s in this dead end relationship when he could have been actively dating other women or in a longterm relationship with lots of sex. The 20s and early 30s are precious. At a certain age, a guy starts to look old to younger women. Sure, there will be women who will date an older man but his early 30s was probably his best time to attract the total package aka someone like his current GF who has sex with him on a regular basis. He has been in counseling for a woman that's not even his wife. If she's LD before kids and marriage...what is worth salvaging if sex is so crucial to him?

[Anonymous]

As I have stated before, his GF gets companionship out of it. A guy willing to deal with LD and her hectic schedule but a companion when she needs one. Someone to blame and for her circle to blame should she not have kids. OP finds it hard to believe that some women really don't want kids even if they claim to. Most guys in sexless marriages on here had wives who ramped up sex before kids and then cut them off. She knows deep down that this relationship is not "it" for her but she's comfortable with the status quo. And at least ambivalent about kids. Would make sense for someone married to her career to not want to commit to having kids.

[Anonymous]

Leave the poor guy alone, he's in a failing relationship and not getting sex. That's the reality of it, no matter what the cause.

[Anonymous]

I see two likely scenarios:

1) As much as she says she wants kids, because that's what she's supposed to say, she doesn't actually want them that much and is happy with the companionship you provide (especially since you seem to have accepted the lack of sex), so she really is getting what she wants out of the relationship; or

2) She's keeping her options open, keeping you around in case you decide to propose but also looking to see what else is out there. If she meets someone she's attracted to who seems to have promise as a partner, she'll dump you for him.

[Anonymous]

I expect the OP shuts her down with his rationalizations when they do talk in therapy - so just as he won't listen to suggestions here, he is not listening to her there. If he won't listen, the GF won't talk.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you're a little confused about what a stand off is. Seems to me the only person actively engaged in one is you. You are refusing to do a lot of things out of "principle", including refusing to move on despite the relationship not being satisfying to you.

She is not "standing off" by not having sex. She just doesn't want sex. She's LD. PERIOD.

She's 37. Yes, her fertility window is closing, but another year may be worth the investment to her, considering you are already compatible in other ways. Companionship weighs a lot. Maybe she is coming to terms with the fact that she won't have babies or be a wife. Even to those that say this is important, well, goals change. Reality changes them. What we want at one stage can change during another.

So: I don't think there is a stand off at all on her side. She is likely, at least currently, happy with the status quo.


The fact that you are happy wasting her time as a research project for yourself is truly pathological.

[Anonymous]

Ok, just read this entire thread. I believe that your girlfriend does love you, enjoys your company, and likes being in a relationship.

I think the sex drive is lost and unlikely to come back because of your living arrangement. You are not paying your way and freeloading off her (as you stated that you have zero housing costs). You haven't mentioned whether you contribute to bills, groceries, etc., but I am guessing that whatever you contribute financially is only a token of your shared expenses.

You may have, inadvertently, created a situation where your GF has become your mother. She cares about you, loves you, and genuinely wants you to succeed. However, you are no longer a strong, sexually desirable male in her eyes.

Obviously, I don't know the two of you. You asked for theories. This is my take on the situation. In the long run, you will both find other partners that are better suited to your personalities and needs.

Please treat her well when this ends. It sounds like she has been very good to you during your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Actually that's been my party line from the beginning. I dont know if your sense of wounded ego distracted you, or you have poor reading comprehension, or what the deal is, but my assessment of you and your situation has not changed.

(Well, maybe a little. It definitely became worse as I realized your entire concept of yourself as a success has to do with your parents' country club. At age 33.)

You dont provide many benefits, but enough for her. And she's probably a bit lonely to deal with someone that, having spoken to you for a long period of time and dealt with your asperger's personality, I can only classify as "anti-social".

Except for the small inconvenient fact that the PP actually listed 7-8 things that you never said in any of your 20+ posts. You spent 2-3% of your words talking about some vague "benefits" that I offer to gf (which you never defined or talked about) and then spent 97% of your verbage talking about how I don't measure up. PP actually listed 7-8 plausible reasons for gf's behavior in 1 post. You offered 1 vague platitude in 25+ posts. Talk about lacking efficiency LOL.

Yes, because you kept contesting my assessment of you. And I was more than happy to expand and explain exactly how I came to believe you were a loser.

Again, I have the same idea of why she is with you. That has not changed at all, though my opinion of you has gone downhill, which I initially would not have thought possible.

I'm really hurt. Your opinion means a lot to me.

That's obvious, since you've been trying to contest it for damn near 7 pages.

I'm feeling fine. I got some good advice from another poster. I beat you on points in our little spat by a wide margin. I'm setting in for a great night. Plus it's my favorite time of year. Professor doesn't work during the summer =)

This is such a juvenile response, I don't believe a grown man actually wrote it.
Have a "great" sexless night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Actually that's been my party line from the beginning. I dont know if your sense of wounded ego distracted you, or you have poor reading comprehension, or what the deal is, but my assessment of you and your situation has not changed.

(Well, maybe a little. It definitely became worse as I realized your entire concept of yourself as a success has to do with your parents' country club. At age 33.)

You dont provide many benefits, but enough for her. And she's probably a bit lonely to deal with someone that, having spoken to you for a long period of time and dealt with your asperger's personality, I can only classify as "anti-social".

Except for the small inconvenient fact that the PP actually listed 7-8 things that you never said in any of your 20+ posts. You spent 2-3% of your words talking about some vague "benefits" that I offer to gf (which you never defined or talked about) and then spent 97% of your verbage talking about how I don't measure up. PP actually listed 7-8 plausible reasons for gf's behavior in 1 post. You offered 1 vague platitude in 25+ posts. Talk about lacking efficiency LOL.

Yes, because you kept contesting my assessment of you. And I was more than happy to expand and explain exactly how I came to believe you were a loser.

Again, I have the same idea of why she is with you. That has not changed at all, though my opinion of you has gone downhill, which I initially would not have thought possible.

I'm really hurt. Your opinion means a lot to me.

That's obvious, since you've been trying to contest it for damn near 7 pages.

I'm feeling fine. I got some good advice from another poster. I beat you on points in our little spat by a wide margin. I'm setting in for a great night. Plus it's my favorite time of year. Professor doesn't work during the summer =)

Are you the same guy who posted about waiting until your late 30s to get married because you'd be able to get someone "better" than your current girlfriend? And then claimed you were just trolling when people poked irrefutable holes in your theory?

Now I see where this thread is going...

[Anonymous]

Why don't you just ask her? Seriously - just ask or go back to the counselor and ask.

What caused the big fight after year 1? She might not really be totally low-drive but some changed dynamic in your relationship could have really hurt her drive. I assume she must love you and that's why she's still there. Maybe she doesn't really believe you will leave because you are still there.

[Anonymous]

Not reading 10 pages. Was the big fight over infidelity on your part? If so the lack of sex means she hasn't gotten past it and likely won't.

WRT the "stand-off" I'm sure these exist in one kind or another in all LTR's. With a sexual standoff, after 1.5 years you cannot reasonably expect her to meet you even part of the way. You either capitulate to her stance or you end the relationship. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you just ask her? Seriously - just ask or go back to the counselor and ask.

What caused the big fight after year 1? She might not really be totally low-drive but some changed dynamic in your relationship could have really hurt her drive. I assume she must love you and that's why she's still there. Maybe she doesn't really believe you will leave because you are still there.

Skimmed the responses (not worth reading all the back and forth) but as I skimmed, I kept thinking, "why the hell doesn't he frickin' ask her and not a bunch of people he has no desire to really hear from anyway?" Our opinion means nothing, it's hers that counts. So frickin' ask her.

[Anonymous]

Probably she feels that, as a socially challenged manbaby, she fears for your mental state if she dumped you and threw you out on your ass.