Puzzling "Stand Off" In Relationship (Not-Married)

[Anonymous]

33 year old, heterosexual, male. In LTR with 37 year old female. We're in a bit of a relationship stand off, of late. We will probably end up breaking up, but I want some insight into my situation from any posters who have been in a similar or somewhat similar situation. Specifically for us it's around sex. Pretty typical story here. 1st year of relationship sex was on fire. Year 2 we almost broke up over some non-sex related issues, but reconciled. However, since that time the relationship has not heated back up. We've basically been sexless for 1.5 years. Been in therapy. Tried everything. She's LD now. I'm HD. But here's where the curiosity has me going. She knows we won't take the next step in the relationship unless this improves. I've made that clear. However, I refused to end the relationship. At least now. It's almost like we're both in a stand off. Day to day the relationship is okay (we don't fight, we have fun together), but it's not passionate or on fire anymore. Literally she has no drive.

Now before everyone comes in explaining how "I don't do it for her anymore" or it's non-bedroom related, let me just say, "I agree". All that may be true. But what I can't figure out is why the stand off? She's not gaining anything from me. We're both successful, but she out-earns me by a wide margin. We've both never been married, have no kids. She says she likely wants kids, but I do not necessarily want them. It just shocks me that she doesn't move on. What am I missing? It's almost become a research project for me to figure out why she's hanging on. I'm truly not worried about myself. I know I'll land on my feet in a future relationship if this doesn't work out. Ideally we would regain the magic from year #1, but I'm not naive. Just inquisitive at this point. particularly interested in female opinions...

[Anonymous]

What exactly do you mean by "refused to end the relationship"? Just that you haven't broken up with her? Or did she try to break up with you and you somehow persuaded her not to?

[Anonymous]

Her "value" in the dating world has gone down substantially since you've been with her. Yours has likely gone up. She probably knows in the back of her head that her best shot of having kids, if that is important to her, is working on getting you to come around instead of starting off from single.

Before anyone gets all "You're a men's right activist" on me - no, I'm a woman. But it's true. She's getting kind of old to be having to restart a new relationship if she wants kids. Breaks up with you, a couple months off, a couple failed relationships - she's 45 before you know it.

That said, I agree with you, she's an idiot for not moving on. Maybe she's just lazy. But clearly she's not getting any closer to having kids if that's what she wants. Do her a favor and break it off.

[Anonymous]

Have you gained weight? Do you lift weights?

[Anonymous]

Does she even want to get married at all?

[Anonymous]

She outearns you by a "wide margin" with only a couple years ago difference. Maybe she doesnt want to tie herself, financially, to someone who's not on her level. But maybe she's lonely and wants someone to chill with.

That's my guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you mean by "refused to end the relationship"? Just that you haven't broken up with her? Or did she try to break up with you and you somehow persuaded her not to?

What I mean is this. She knows I love her. I want the relationship to work. She says she loves me too and wants the same. She says she realizes that we won't move forward unless her libido comes back etc. etc. however, she seems to make weak efforts to improve it (instead focuses her time and energy on work, recently elected to get a puppy, etc.). So she knows I won't ask her to marry me unless we go back to the "good days"... however I never initiate a break up. I'm willing to let things play out because I'm not sure why she isn't running out to try and find someone else (assuming she's lost her feelings for me). Again, let me re-emphasize that she's not a gold-digger. She earns a kit and kabootle and is a very successful entrepreneur. We're both successful, she's just more financially successful. We're both equal in the looks dept. Neither of us are models, but we're both above average in looks and intellect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She outearns you by a "wide margin" with only a couple years ago difference. Maybe she doesnt want to tie herself, financially, to someone who's not on her level. But maybe she's lonely and wants someone to chill with.

That's my guess.

But if you were a good "catch" (which she is). Above average looks (I'd say 7.5/10, though I hate rankings crap), above average intelligence, and a huge income, why wouldn't you run out and look for your mate when you're still under 40? At 33, I don't really have the same priorities/concerns (esp. since kids aren't a priority of mine). It just baffles me. We may not be married, but I'm benefitting financially right now for sure. We live in her house and she pays the mortgage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you gained weight? Do you lift weights?

We've both gained weight since year #1. But I lost 20lbs. My weight loss made no diff to our sex life.

[Anonymous]

Dump

[Anonymous]

Move on, OP. You two aren't compatible, and you're wasting time in this nowhere relationship. It's not important, her reasons for not ending the relationship. You haven't given us enough info to help you answer that question anyway. I'd encourage you to re-direct your energy toward answering the question of why you are choosing to remain when you know it's time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move on, OP. You two aren't compatible, and you're wasting time in this nowhere relationship. It's not important, her reasons for not ending the relationship. You haven't given us enough info to help you answer that question anyway. I'd encourage you to re-direct your energy toward answering the question of why you are choosing to remain when you know it's time to move on.

Point#1: They are important for me. I want to learn from this experience. In total, we're talking nearly 3-4 years of my life.
Point #2: Right now, for various reasons, remaining in the relationship is actually more sensible for me. Can't go into the details, but suffice to say it's not an ideal transition point for me.

[Anonymous]

If you have a high drive, then she is winning and you are losing.

[Anonymous]

how do you know she isn't just keeping you on as a friend? are you living together? How do you know there is no one else? Why are you in therapy with a GF? Get rid of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a high drive, then she is winning and you are losing.

I'll grant you I'm losing right now. Losing "the battle" so to speak. But the larger war... not so sure about that. Again, I just can't make sense of it. That's why I posted. Not looking for relationship advice here. Am in couples counseling working on things...