Puzzling "Stand Off" In Relationship (Not-Married)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll. You posted this exact scenario before and claimed you broke up. I am tired of you..

I'm not a troll. This scenario is real. Thank you for being a d-bag.

Liar troll. This is you at 23:04: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/472144.page

On the off chance you are just disguising the facts of a real scenario, the answer is that you are a psychopath and your GF is too busy and successful to bother getting rid of you.

Parts of that post at 23:04 mirror my own. Except I'm 33.5 not 32. And my 37 year old gf and I are very much still together. Read closer.

I see. It's the same, with the ages changed 1.5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What's "everything she stands to lose?" - you have not told us what you bring to the table besides indecision and history (baggage). Really, you're a freeloader. Maybe you know how to fix stuff? You don't portray yourself as much of a catch so i am not certain she is really losing out?

Easy. TIME. She wants kids. She's 37.

She has plenty of time, and money. Adoption, surrogate, donor eggs, etc, not to mention the fact of several more years of her own fertility.

I think you're being a little naive here. She's very traditional. Would not do surrogate/adoption/donor. Wants natural birth with husband. She still talks about where we will be vacationing next year and us visiting her family. Trust me, she's still very much in the relationship. I think most fair-minded posters would say that as she approaches 38 and fully invested in a relationship she's not exactly sitting around with time to play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll. You posted this exact scenario before and claimed you broke up. I am tired of you..

I'm not a troll. This scenario is real. Thank you for being a d-bag.

Liar troll. This is you at 23:04: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/472144.page

On the off chance you are just disguising the facts of a real scenario, the answer is that you are a psychopath and your GF is too busy and successful to bother getting rid of you.

Parts of that post at 23:04 mirror my own. Except I'm 33.5 not 32. And my 37 year old gf and I are very much still together. Read closer.

I see. It's the same, with the ages changed 1.5 years.

I'm not the same poster. Either you believe me, or you don't. Obviously you don't. So you can stop posting in the thread then.

[Anonymous]

What's "everything she stands to lose?" - you have not told us what you bring to the table besides indecision and history (baggage). Really, you're a freeloader. Maybe you know how to fix stuff? You don't portray yourself as much of a catch so i am not certain she is really losing out?

Easy. TIME. She wants kids. She's 37.

She has plenty of time, and money. Adoption, surrogate, donor eggs, etc, not to mention the fact of several more years of her own fertility.

I think you're being a little naive here. She's very traditional. Would not do surrogate/adoption/donor. Wants natural birth with husband. She still talks about where we will be vacationing next year and us visiting her family. Trust me, she's still very much in the relationship. I think most fair-minded posters would say that as she approaches 38 and fully invested in a relationship she's not exactly sitting around with time to play.

Sorry, you are the naive one. You think this intelligent woman has not thought about the dynamics at play? As much as it pains you, clearly getting married and having kids with you just is not a huge priority for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you gained weight? Do you lift weights?

We've both gained weight since year #1. But I lost 20lbs. My weight loss made no diff to our sex life.

But how overweight are you, my dear?

The problem seems to be, you are still turned on by her, and she is not by you.

I know it sucks to hear, but your appearance probably has a lot to do with that. Recognize that and work to change it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She outearns you by a "wide margin" with only a couple years ago difference. Maybe she doesnt want to tie herself, financially, to someone who's not on her level. But maybe she's lonely and wants someone to chill with.

That's my guess.

But if you were a good "catch" (which she is). Above average looks (I'd say 7.5/10, though I hate rankings crap), above average intelligence, and a huge income, why wouldn't you run out and look for your mate when you're still under 40? At 33, I don't really have the same priorities/concerns (esp. since kids aren't a priority of mine). It just baffles me. We may not be married, but I'm benefitting financially right now for sure. We live in her house and she pays the mortgage.

Except that when you two break up, she gets to keep the house and you have to bounce. Financially, it might be worth it to her to have a young guy around that she's not wanting to be with long term. Wealthy men do it all the time- essentially "keep" a woman, and when they get bored, it's on to the next on, and their ex has to find their own place, make their own money, all that jazz.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What's "everything she stands to lose?" - you have not told us what you bring to the table besides indecision and history (baggage). Really, you're a freeloader. Maybe you know how to fix stuff? You don't portray yourself as much of a catch so i am not certain she is really losing out?

Easy. TIME. She wants kids. She's 37.

She has plenty of time, and money. Adoption, surrogate, donor eggs, etc, not to mention the fact of several more years of her own fertility.

I think you're being a little naive here. She's very traditional. Would not do surrogate/adoption/donor. Wants natural birth with husband. She still talks about where we will be vacationing next year and us visiting her family. Trust me, she's still very much in the relationship. I think most fair-minded posters would say that as she approaches 38 and fully invested in a relationship she's not exactly sitting around with time to play.

Sorry, you are the naive one. You think this intelligent woman has not thought about the dynamics at play? As much as it pains you, clearly getting married and having kids with you just is not a huge priority for her.

The only thing there is evidence to support is what I've bolded above. That much, I acknowledge. But everything that comes out of her mouth (to family, friends, gfs, myself) contradicts her general interest in getting married and starting a family. In fact, during our 1st year of dating, she made such a big deal about no longer spending years in relationships that didn't go anywhere. I'm not sitting here saying that I'm the cats meow and defending myself as her only possible match. I'm just saying, what can explain her behavior of not cutting it off since that's the best decision for her if she wants something longterm with someone else? No?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She outearns you by a "wide margin" with only a couple years ago difference. Maybe she doesnt want to tie herself, financially, to someone who's not on her level. But maybe she's lonely and wants someone to chill with.

That's my guess.

But if you were a good "catch" (which she is). Above average looks (I'd say 7.5/10, though I hate rankings crap), above average intelligence, and a huge income, why wouldn't you run out and look for your mate when you're still under 40? At 33, I don't really have the same priorities/concerns (esp. since kids aren't a priority of mine). It just baffles me. We may not be married, but I'm benefitting financially right now for sure. We live in her house and she pays the mortgage.

oh, oh, oh. Here it is, OP. I hate to say it because DCUM will slaughter me, and I'm generalizing here. Many women don't feel sexual with men that aren't at least at their level of bringing home the bacon. You've got a situation where you are living in her house, and she's making more than you…it's just not sexy for many women. They like to be taken care of this way, or at a minimum, at least not take care of you. That kind of "taking care of" translates into maternal feelings, not sexual.

So before I get creamed here, just fyi I'm a feminist woman who went to Harvard Law. My last bf was a wonderful guy, but a musician, and I had a big career and it just wasn't working for me to be with someone who slept in all the time and I paid for all the dinners. My DH of almost 20 years is someone I met in law school, even though I swore I'd never marry a lawyer. We just "get" each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She outearns you by a "wide margin" with only a couple years ago difference. Maybe she doesnt want to tie herself, financially, to someone who's not on her level. But maybe she's lonely and wants someone to chill with.

That's my guess.

But if you were a good "catch" (which she is). Above average looks (I'd say 7.5/10, though I hate rankings crap), above average intelligence, and a huge income, why wouldn't you run out and look for your mate when you're still under 40? At 33, I don't really have the same priorities/concerns (esp. since kids aren't a priority of mine). It just baffles me. We may not be married, but I'm benefitting financially right now for sure. We live in her house and she pays the mortgage.

Except that when you two break up, she gets to keep the house and you have to bounce. Financially, it might be worth it to her to have a young guy around that she's not wanting to be with long term. Wealthy men do it all the time- essentially "keep" a woman, and when they get bored, it's on to the next on, and their ex has to find their own place, make their own money, all that jazz.

"Keep around"... we're talking nearly 4 years. And she's 2.5 years from 40. Maybe if I was a great lay or looked like Matthew McConaughey and was eye candy to make others jealous you'd have a point. But as other posters have pointed out, I'm not. I find this so amusing. Some posters here are saying I must be fat and ugly. Others using my youth and looks to justify why she's keeping me around. No one has a good theory here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She outearns you by a "wide margin" with only a couple years ago difference. Maybe she doesnt want to tie herself, financially, to someone who's not on her level. But maybe she's lonely and wants someone to chill with.

That's my guess.

But if you were a good "catch" (which she is). Above average looks (I'd say 7.5/10, though I hate rankings crap), above average intelligence, and a huge income, why wouldn't you run out and look for your mate when you're still under 40? At 33, I don't really have the same priorities/concerns (esp. since kids aren't a priority of mine). It just baffles me. We may not be married, but I'm benefitting financially right now for sure. We live in her house and she pays the mortgage.

oh, oh, oh. Here it is, OP. I hate to say it because DCUM will slaughter me, and I'm generalizing here. Many women don't feel sexual with men that aren't at least at their level of bringing home the bacon. You've got a situation where you are living in her house, and she's making more than you…it's just not sexy for many women. They like to be taken care of this way, or at a minimum, at least not take care of you. That kind of "taking care of" translates into maternal feelings, not sexual.

So before I get creamed here, just fyi I'm a feminist woman who went to Harvard Law. My last bf was a wonderful guy, but a musician, and I had a big career and it just wasn't working for me to be with someone who slept in all the time and I paid for all the dinners. My DH of almost 20 years is someone I met in law school, even though I swore I'd never marry a lawyer. We just "get" each other.

OP here. I'm willing to buy this. Trust me, it's not offensive. But still, why would she dawdle in the relationship for 4 years. She's approaching 40!

[Anonymous]

Break up. You aren't getting what you need. If it's a bad "transition point" for you, that's really no real excuse. Just means you are using her until you can man up. Is that really who you want to be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She outearns you by a "wide margin" with only a couple years ago difference. Maybe she doesnt want to tie herself, financially, to someone who's not on her level. But maybe she's lonely and wants someone to chill with.

That's my guess.

But if you were a good "catch" (which she is). Above average looks (I'd say 7.5/10, though I hate rankings crap), above average intelligence, and a huge income, why wouldn't you run out and look for your mate when you're still under 40? At 33, I don't really have the same priorities/concerns (esp. since kids aren't a priority of mine). It just baffles me. We may not be married, but I'm benefitting financially right now for sure. We live in her house and she pays the mortgage.

Except that when you two break up, she gets to keep the house and you have to bounce. Financially, it might be worth it to her to have a young guy around that she's not wanting to be with long term. Wealthy men do it all the time- essentially "keep" a woman, and when they get bored, it's on to the next on, and their ex has to find their own place, make their own money, all that jazz.

"Keep around"... we're talking nearly 4 years. And she's 2.5 years from 40. Maybe if I was a great lay or looked like Matthew McConaughey and was eye candy to make others jealous you'd have a point. But as other posters have pointed out, I'm not. I find this so amusing. Some posters here are saying I must be fat and ugly. Others using my youth and looks to justify why she's keeping me around. No one has a good theory here.

Different people like different things. For me, I'm pretty hot, and I like my men to be as hot or hotter than me. So I like ripped abs, biceps, good face, all that jazz. You obviously would not qualify.

But your lady doesnt sound so hot herself. Maybe, for her, you are hot. And maybe she is just lonely. Maybe she wants companionship and you can provide that. i feel like if she wanted hot sex, she would go elsewhere, since she obviously isnt turned on by you. But maybe she just wants to feel in a relationship, wants to have someone, even if she doesnt want you for the long term.

It happens all the time- I had plenty of relationships before I got married where I knew I didn't want to be with them long term. Of course, those guys were hot bad boys, and you are not one- but maybe, for whatever reason, she is still excited/ intrigued by you. So for as long as that lasts, you will have a free place to stay. Yay for you, for now.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I want to clear one thing up. I'm not a starving artist. I'm successful. My income places me in the top 10-15 percent nationally. My job status is very high (graduate degrees from top-10 private universities). Not bragging either. Just don't want people getting the wrong impression. She only has a BA, but did well opening a small biz. So she makes 3-4x my salary. But it's not like I'm doing stand up at a club and waiting tables ppl.

As for other poster who asked about my appearance. I was 30lbs overweight (she's also gained). I've lost 20 of those lbs. I'm over 6' so I carry it okay. Again, I don't want ppl not seeing this for what it is. We're both equal in looks. She has an income edge. I have a status/degree edge in terms of intellectual achievements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She outearns you by a "wide margin" with only a couple years ago difference. Maybe she doesnt want to tie herself, financially, to someone who's not on her level. But maybe she's lonely and wants someone to chill with.

That's my guess.

But if you were a good "catch" (which she is). Above average looks (I'd say 7.5/10, though I hate rankings crap), above average intelligence, and a huge income, why wouldn't you run out and look for your mate when you're still under 40? At 33, I don't really have the same priorities/concerns (esp. since kids aren't a priority of mine). It just baffles me. We may not be married, but I'm benefitting financially right now for sure. We live in her house and she pays the mortgage.

oh, oh, oh. Here it is, OP. I hate to say it because DCUM will slaughter me, and I'm generalizing here. Many women don't feel sexual with men that aren't at least at their level of bringing home the bacon. You've got a situation where you are living in her house, and she's making more than you…it's just not sexy for many women. They like to be taken care of this way, or at a minimum, at least not take care of you. That kind of "taking care of" translates into maternal feelings, not sexual.

So before I get creamed here, just fyi I'm a feminist woman who went to Harvard Law. My last bf was a wonderful guy, but a musician, and I had a big career and it just wasn't working for me to be with someone who slept in all the time and I paid for all the dinners. My DH of almost 20 years is someone I met in law school, even though I swore I'd never marry a lawyer. We just "get" each other.

OP here. I'm willing to buy this. Trust me, it's not offensive. But still, why would she dawdle in the relationship for 4 years. She's approaching 40!

So? You're approaching 35... I'm not quite sure why her approaching 40 (she is 3 years away, btw) would somehow muddle her thinking to such an extent? You seem to have a very extreme idea of aging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I want to clear one thing up. I'm not a starving artist. I'm successful. My income places me in the top 10-15 percent nationally. My job status is very high (graduate degrees from top-10 private universities). Not bragging either. Just don't want people getting the wrong impression. She only has a BA, but did well opening a small biz. So she makes 3-4x my salary. But it's not like I'm doing stand up at a club and waiting tables ppl.

As for other poster who asked about my appearance. I was 30lbs overweight (she's also gained). I've lost 20 of those lbs. I'm over 6' so I carry it okay. Again, I don't want ppl not seeing this for what it is. We're both equal in looks. She has an income edge. I have a status/degree edge in terms of intellectual achievements.

Eh, 30 lbs overweight by what standard? People carry weight differently and even a guy who is "normal weight" is certainly not what I would consider to be hot. Especially if you dont have any muscles.

Also, it's even funnier that she outearns you by such a margin and yet only has a BA and you have a ton of graduate degrees. Kind of hilarious actually.

This lady sounds like a smart cookie. Can you tell us about her business? I am kind of intrigued by her.