When you are forced to let go of the dream you had for your child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say what you will. It is common knowledge that the networking and job opportunities upon graduation from an Ivy are unparallelled.

I think it's easy for a lot of us whose own kids will not be Ivy candidates to sit here and say in our more self righteous tone that let him choose, it's his life, etc...but come on people getting into an Ivy is big deal. I will be the first to tell you if it was my son, I would do everything in my power to at least encourage him to try it. If after the first year he is miserable then let him go where he wants to.

You see a phenomenal opportunity that COULD mean great things for your child, it is natural to want that for them. Nothing wrong with it whatsoever in my estimation.

PP who has one kid at Stanford and another at Wash U. I respectfully disagree with the bolded part. Also please keep in mind that all Ivies are not the same. But that's fine - we can agree to disagree.

Agree (not op) however if we are taking Harvard Yale or Princeton I DO agree with that statement 100%. Cornell, Brown, Dartmouth not so much. My own D attended one of these and the opportunities afforded to her were simply astounding.

I am sure....but please understand that my DD's opportunities from attending Stanford are pretty astounding also. And given her major and interests, I dare say that she could not have gotten any better opportunites by attending HYP. Also please note that I am talking about a kid who turned down an HYP because she figured out (correctly) that, given her major and interests, Stanford was the bettere choice. No knock on the Ivies, but there are other top schools out there that provide great networks and opportunties - some just as good if not better than the Ivies.

This is just silly, Stanford is not underappreciated irl or in dcum. It is al oat always mentioned along with H/y/p.

[Anonymous]

I do not think that OP is debating Stanford vs East coast Ivies.

[Anonymous]

HYP can offer fantastic opportunities for people who succeed there. Just going to one of those schools isn't going to hand the world to you if you barely skate by and don't seek out those opportunities. If OP's son were to go to one of these schools and hate the environment (which some people do, it's true of every school), he could disengage from the experience and end up with worse grades than he might have gotten elsewhere, not gotten to know any professors to ask for recommendations, not involved himself in any extracurriculars that could help forge a network, and basically be an utterly mediocre, forgettable member of the school community. Even with the HYP name, that's just not going to serve him as well in the long-run as going to the top state school where he's happy and engaged, gets good grades, develops good relationships with his professors and classmates, and engages in activities that can lead to good networking and opportunities later.

[Anonymous]

OP is long gone.

[Anonymous]

Stanford and Ivies to me are in the same heap, no difference in terms of world class teaching, facilities and opportunities. Lets not kid ourselves.

[Anonymous]

7:58 is absolutely correct - OP is long gone - look what he/she incited by a phony at worst, stupid humble brag at worst post. And, look at how DCUM jumped in and carried it on for many pages. Sometimes I truly wonder.....I usually stay on the nicer Food, Travel forums..........now, I remember why.

[Anonymous]

Wrong OP is here! I have enjoyed everyone's perspective and certainly appreciate and respect that there are a wide range of opinions on the matter.

My son and H are leaving tonight to visit the Ivy in question and are meeting with a few people while there so hopefully he will come away with a more favorable impression. However I have resigned myself (did not happen easily) to allowing him to make the ultimate decision. As many have noted, he is a smart kid whose intelligence has gotten him this far, at some point I need to fully trust his decision making even in something like this.

I am not going to lie (chastise me all you want) if he decides against it I will internally sad for what I view as a mistake but I have made my peace both to him and myself that I will accept what he chooses. Really appreciate everyone weighing in on the matter.

[Anonymous]

Good. For your own sanity and the sanity of your son, don't say anything about it to him until he decides. There is nothing he needs to hear from you at this point and there is no way you can control your feelings, even if you think you are being neutral. You're not. If you're curious about the trip, ask your husband, not your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say what you will. It is common knowledge that the networking and job opportunities upon graduation from an Ivy are unparallelled.

I think it's easy for a lot of us whose own kids will not be Ivy candidates to sit here and say in our more self righteous tone that let him choose, it's his life, etc...but come on people getting into an Ivy is big deal. I will be the first to tell you if it was my son, I would do everything in my power to at least encourage him to try it. If after the first year he is miserable then let him go where he wants to.

You see a phenomenal opportunity that COULD mean great things for your child, it is natural to want that for them. Nothing wrong with it whatsoever in my estimation.

PP who has one kid at Stanford and another at Wash U. I respectfully disagree with the bolded part. Also please keep in mind that all Ivies are not the same. But that's fine - we can agree to disagree.

Agree (not op) however if we are taking Harvard Yale or Princeton I DO agree with that statement 100%. Cornell, Brown, Dartmouth not so much. My own D attended one of these and the opportunities afforded to her were simply astounding.

I am sure....but please understand that my DD's opportunities from attending Stanford are pretty astounding also. And given her major and interests, I dare say that she could not have gotten any better opportunites by attending HYP. Also please note that I am talking about a kid who turned down an HYP because she figured out (correctly) that, given her major and interests, Stanford was the bettere choice. No knock on the Ivies, but there are other top schools out there that provide great networks and opportunties - some just as good if not better than the Ivies.

Ugh yes but we are talking Stanford, to many a school with more clout than some of the Ivies, so its hardly a step down or making a concessions...this is Stanford not some big state U.

Right...but didn't OP say that her son's choice was a top school also - so I am thinking that she was not talking about Big State U

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say what you will. It is common knowledge that the networking and job opportunities upon graduation from an Ivy are unparallelled.

I think it's easy for a lot of us whose own kids will not be Ivy candidates to sit here and say in our more self righteous tone that let him choose, it's his life, etc...but come on people getting into an Ivy is big deal. I will be the first to tell you if it was my son, I would do everything in my power to at least encourage him to try it. If after the first year he is miserable then let him go where he wants to.

You see a phenomenal opportunity that COULD mean great things for your child, it is natural to want that for them. Nothing wrong with it whatsoever in my estimation.

PP who has one kid at Stanford and another at Wash U. I respectfully disagree with the bolded part. Also please keep in mind that all Ivies are not the same. But that's fine - we can agree to disagree.

Agree (not op) however if we are taking Harvard Yale or Princeton I DO agree with that statement 100%. Cornell, Brown, Dartmouth not so much. My own D attended one of these and the opportunities afforded to her were simply astounding.

I am sure....but please understand that my DD's opportunities from attending Stanford are pretty astounding also. And given her major and interests, I dare say that she could not have gotten any better opportunites by attending HYP. Also please note that I am talking about a kid who turned down an HYP because she figured out (correctly) that, given her major and interests, Stanford was the bettere choice. No knock on the Ivies, but there are other top schools out there that provide great networks and opportunties - some just as good if not better than the Ivies.

This is just silly, Stanford is not underappreciated irl or in dcum. It is al oat always mentioned along with H/y/p.

How is it silly? OP mentioned that her son's choice was another top school, but that Ivies do this and do that blah blah blah. My point was that "top school" that OP does not want her son to attend may be on the caliber of Stanford or MIT. In which case, the OP's son is not losing anything. THAT was my point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stanford and Ivies to me are in the same heap, no difference in terms of world class teaching, facilities and opportunities. Lets not kid ourselves.

I agree with you 100% but is does not seem that OP shares that view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wrong OP is here! I have enjoyed everyone's perspective and certainly appreciate and respect that there are a wide range of opinions on the matter.

My son and H are leaving tonight to visit the Ivy in question and are meeting with a few people while there so hopefully he will come away with a more favorable impression. However I have resigned myself (did not happen easily) to allowing him to make the ultimate decision. As many have noted, he is a smart kid whose intelligence has gotten him this far, at some point I need to fully trust his decision making even in something like this.

I am not going to lie (chastise me all you want) if he decides against it I will internally sad for what I view as a mistake but I have made my peace both to him and myself that I will accept what he chooses. Really appreciate everyone weighing in on the matter.

It will all work out. And your DS may view the Ivy through a different prism as an admitted student than he did as an applicant knowing it was probably a long shot. If you are truly a modest kid admitted to an Ivy, it can take a while to digest the idea that you really belong there, particularly now that they are so full of over-achievers who have been assembling their resumes since they were very young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good. For your own sanity and the sanity of your son, don't say anything about it to him until he decides. There is nothing he needs to hear from you at this point and there is no way you can control your feelings, even if you think you are being neutral. You're not. If you're curious about the trip, ask your husband, not your son.

OP, I know a boy from my DD's private school who went to Princeton last year and HATES it! He's not a Princeton type, so he's transferring to another school, a NE SLAC, where he'll be much happier. Just because you have the grades and smarts to get into HYP, does not mean HYP fits you. This kid is super smart, but his personality is not a fit for Princeton. Good for him for recognizing it and moving to a place where he thinks he'll fit in better. So perhaps your son knows more than you think he does. It would be a shame if he went to HYP and was unhappy there.

You have a right to your disappointment, but it's best to keep it to yourself. Your child needs your support, not your disapproval.

[Anonymous]

I let go of those dreams with kindergarten when he couldn't cut it due to sensory processing issues. Best to get these things out of the way so I drop the dream and open my eyes to see the child that I have.

Not a scholar, not headed for university and unlikely to become a bragging point for me when I chat with other parents. Love him to bits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say what you will. It is common knowledge that the networking and job opportunities upon graduation from an Ivy are unparallelled.

I think it's easy for a lot of us whose own kids will not be Ivy candidates to sit here and say in our more self righteous tone that let him choose, it's his life, etc...but come on people getting into an Ivy is big deal. I will be the first to tell you if it was my son, I would do everything in my power to at least encourage him to try it. If after the first year he is miserable then let him go where he wants to.

You see a phenomenal opportunity that COULD mean great things for your child, it is natural to want that for them. Nothing wrong with it whatsoever in my estimation.

PP who has one kid at Stanford and another at Wash U. I respectfully disagree with the bolded part. Also please keep in mind that all Ivies are not the same. But that's fine - we can agree to disagree.

Agree (not op) however if we are taking Harvard Yale or Princeton I DO agree with that statement 100%. Cornell, Brown, Dartmouth not so much. My own D attended one of these and the opportunities afforded to her were simply astounding.

I have a good friend who went to Harvard who says she would be crushed if her DS *wanted* to go to Harvard. She thnks it was not a great good place to go to undergrad and doesnt believe the networking and prestige factors make up for that.

Very hard to believe, sorry. Just don't buy that one bit, in fact it sounds downright ridiculous.

Did you go to Harvard, PP? If not, you have no idea what you are talking about. I went to a lesser Ivy, but many of my friends went to Harvard. None is hugely successful, probably because they are similar to me. One of my friends hated Harvard and wouldn't let his child apply. He doesn't feel it did anything to him, but his parents LOVE to brag that their son went to Harvard. Another friend went to Harvard and to Yale Law School. He disliked Harvard too. He wished he'd gone to a smaller school, but he's an introvert. The school was too large and impersonal for him. He's done fine, BTW, but no thanks to Harvard.