Spendthrift DH

[Anonymous]

But they can afford a nice lunch and still save. What's the bid deal?

[Anonymous]

*big

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I have a Ghanaian girlfriend who always looks as if she stepped out of a magazine. Pencil thin with amazing clothes. She makes all of her own stuff and spends very little on clothes.

OP. I say this in all my kindness. This statement is right out of "I'm 45 and pass for an 18-year old all the time". No one who understands clothes and fashion is fooled by your girlfriend's getups. I'm sure she looks nice. But if she wore actual quality clothes or designer stuff they feature in magazines, she'd look about 200,000% better. If you consider what she wears amazing, well....you will believe this until you get your first item of clothing that hasn't been made in the land of your ancestors. Like an actual, bona fide designer stuff. If you choose not to buy it, that's fine. But to say no one can tell between high-end clothes and homespun duds is just...silly.

+1000. OP -- money is/has become so important that you that you are just fooling yourself. I'm sure your friend looks ok/fine/good in her homemade clothes, but you are kidding yourself if you think no one can tell. The difference is this isn't middle/high school anymore; even if people like her coworkers notice -- it's not like when you're 15 and some kid at school will say -- "hey did you sew your own t-shirt, WHY!?" But you better believe people are wondering. It's fine if you/she have decided that money is so important, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks -- but don't kid yourself.

Maybe because OP is clueless with fashion, it looks good to her.
My sister is like this too.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand paying off the house for retirement. According to my parents' financial advisor that is not the smartest thing they could do with their money. Instead off a mortgage at 3 percent, they are better off investing at 9 percent and making a profit on the spread.

My third world DW doesn't understand this and operates purely on a cash in cash out basis. Her understanding of finance and investment and risk aversion holds our family back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But they can afford a nice lunch and still save. What's the bid deal?

I'd say the big deal is that it bothers her and they need to work out a compromise. Just because you have money doesn't mean you need to flush it down the toilet. I can think of several big expenditures that I made when I was younger I wish I could have back. At least my husband spends on stuff I can return or sell. You can't sell what you ate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But they can afford a nice lunch and still save. What's the bid deal?

I'd say the big deal is that it bothers her and they need to work out a compromise. Just because you have money doesn't mean you need to flush it down the toilet. I can think of several big expenditures that I made when I was younger I wish I could have back. At least my husband spends on stuff I can return or sell. You can't sell what you ate.

What the hell are you wasting your time selling?
Wow, get a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand paying off the house for retirement. According to my parents' financial advisor that is not the smartest thing they could do with their money. Instead off a mortgage at 3 percent, they are better off investing at 9 percent and making a profit on the spread.

My third world DW doesn't understand this and operates purely on a cash in cash out basis. Her understanding of finance and investment and risk aversion holds our family back.

Why did you marry your 'third world' wife if you didn't agree on finances?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is gonna lose her shit when hubby starts sleeping with a woman who actually recognizes he's a man. Cause mistresses aren't cheap!

OP here, any mistress he takes will have to pay for their dates and everything they do because I keep close track of every penny we have. If she's rich enough to keep him, she can move in with us and keep me too!

Now I'm horny. I wasn't before, but now I am.

[Anonymous]

Different perspective. DH is a spend spend. He doesn't go crazy but it adds up.

He's thoughtful though. Recently bought us a kickstarter wearable vibe. Coming off a trade show, I just keep picturing our logo on it. Would make for excellent mktg shwag... Or shwing! I picture myself describing our massager shwag to folks while everyone understands it's a vibe and chuckle.

Randomness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, haven't been on this thread since yesterday. I am the one whose dad died when I was 10 and mom scraped by. I must say, most of you folks on DCUM are distorted. It is clear to me that most of the PPs have never had to really scrape by. Have any of you ever had to live on welfare or on nothing? Do you know how to not only live without cable, but also without a car or wondering if you were going to pay for food or gas first? It changes you. And don't think this doesn't happen in the US. It has been ubiquitous since 2008, just not in NW DC, or MOCo or Fairfax, or at least not in your community. If you lost a $20 bill, would that break your budget for the month?

Get off your horses. The OP has a problem. The OPs husband has a problem, and all she sees is the $$ bleeding out the door. I am sure it brings a lot of feelings of her childhood. If you choose to eat nothing but beans to make sure there is money in the bank, it has to be irritating to hear DH went out and dropped $100 on lunch at a restaurant. All OP is asking for is advice on how to get DH to spend reasonably, say $15 for lunch instead.

I really find most of the PPs repulsive, attacking the OP instead of attacking the problem. I challenge you to go back and see where you bleed discretionary money, because I guarantee, most of what you spend on are actually luxuries that are considered necessary by most Americans.

1+

[Anonymous]

I make all my own clothes and can copy any designer out there. Unless you look for a tag, no one knows. NO ONE.

I even made my own drapes, own quilts, and upholstered all of my dining room chairs . No one ever asked, they think I bought everything. Shoot, if I could make shoes and handbags I'd start my own company. Last year alone I made 5 prom and 3 bridesmaid dresses. I had nearly every woman at the wedding bugging me for a dress.

Right now I'm currently making my husband a beautiful suit to wear to a fancy formal dinner in 3 months.

OP, compromise. It may be uncomfortable for your husband but you need to be on the same financial page if you want your life to be debt/waste free.

[Anonymous]

Hey, OP. I too am from an East Asian country. My family immigrated when I was in infant; my older sister died as a baby from malnutrition. As you can imagine, this totally screwed up my mom. Anyway...

The funny, non-PC answer is: you shoulda married a Jew! (I did). I run the finances, much like you, am extremely controlling about money, but DH is just not a spender. If he wants to buy anything, he asks me to buy it (like "honey, I like these speakers, can you order them from me?"). This works because it's really not about the money, is it? It's about control, and getting the psychological comfort that nothing will spiral into a shitstorm ever again. Since I know where every penny goes and sudden purchases don't show up (since I purchase everything), this works for us.

But that's not where you and DH are. People fall in love and marry each other because we see qualities that we admire. But those very qualities can be the causes of friction down the road. Your DH was extremely impressed with your financial discipline. It was something he lacked. You probably grew up very self-sufficient and lonely, and you admired your DH's abilities to smell the flowers, so to speak, to have fun with friends, live in the moment, laugh spontaneously...I am just guessing here.

But these differences are also causing friction.

I have been married for close on to 20 years, to the same man. We have our ups and downs, but over the years we have met more in the middle.

You will not starve. You can spend a little. Your DH needs to have more input into the family finances, and alleviate some of your stress, and you need to give him some blind control.

People on this thread are screaming at you and accusing you of being a control freak, but then, your DH is acting like a child. He gives you no input, and just spends. That's not the behavior of a responsible adult. You are probably very stressed right now because now you must manage the finances and secure not only your future, but your husband's too.

And also: are you feeling responsible for his parents? I mean, you're Asian and all...let me just say, I doubt your in-laws have expectations to be taken care of anything like Asian in-laws. They have social security and all that jazz (unlike our motherlands). They won't be homeless. They are not expecting to move in with you, and have you wait on them hand and foot. They are not Asian.

There are good and bad in every culture. But because you chose to marry outside of your culture, you need to bend in order to create a happy home.

Your anger and fear are not based on reason. You will never starve. But please do not make your husband miserable. Also: since you spoke in gross ethnic generalities, let me throw one back: white non-ethnic American men do not understand when a woman screams at them. It's not part of their culture and they see it as crazy/abusive. They do not know how to handle.

Cut your DH some slack. The US culture is one that works hard and parties hard. It's not too bad of an outlook or a way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make all my own clothes and can copy any designer out there. Unless you look for a tag, no one knows. NO ONE.

I even made my own drapes, own quilts, and upholstered all of my dining room chairs . No one ever asked, they think I bought everything. Shoot, if I could make shoes and handbags I'd start my own company. Last year alone I made 5 prom and 3 bridesmaid dresses. I had nearly every woman at the wedding bugging me for a dress.

Right now I'm currently making my husband a beautiful suit to wear to a fancy formal dinner in 3 months.

OP, compromise. It may be uncomfortable for your husband but you need to be on the same financial page if you want your life to be debt/waste free.

OP here, you know what you are talking about. I have been laughing to myself at previous posters who think that an excellent seamstress's work will look cheap because it doesn't bear a designer label. Do you idiots think these designers are sewing the clothes themselves? My Ghanaian friend comes from a long line of seamstresses and the designer Luca Orlandi once stopped her in the street to ask about a unique dress she made herself. Just because previous posters know untalented, unskilled white chicks who make silly stuff to hawk on Etsy doesn't mean all seamstresses are in the same category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your views of Asians are effed up. I am Asian and as a general rule, yes, saving and financial stability is important; that's why kids are pushed towards medicine, engineering, law etc. BUT not every Asian family is living under the model of saving every dollar for retirement as you seem to be doing. You came here in your teens, having never had new clothes before. It's a bit different for the Asians born and raised here, or even for the Asians who immigrated who were engineers or MBAs or whatever in their own countries; sure they came here to do "better," but there weren't totally lacking in their own country either. They had a middle class life -- so they were used to eating out or grabbing a coffee or treating their kids to an ice cream cone, and they didn't stop doing that just bc they got to the U.S. and decided retirement savings was it. You sound like you'd freak out if your kid asked for a $5 ice cream cone.

OP here, I was wondering how long it would take for one of you self hating Asian Americans to show up in this thread. I get it, you were born here, you're not "really Asian", and you are "honorary white" in your head. Whatever. For what it's worth, you are talking about a caricature in your head, not me, when you suggest I would freak out over an ice cream cone. You have not asked me what expenditures I consider excessive, so you are just being silly to speculate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, OP. I too am from an East Asian country. My family immigrated when I was in infant; my older sister died as a baby from malnutrition. As you can imagine, this totally screwed up my mom. Anyway...

The funny, non-PC answer is: you shoulda married a Jew! (I did). I run the finances, much like you, am extremely controlling about money, but DH is just not a spender. If he wants to buy anything, he asks me to buy it (like "honey, I like these speakers, can you order them from me?"). This works because it's really not about the money, is it? It's about control, and getting the psychological comfort that nothing will spiral into a shitstorm ever again. Since I know where every penny goes and sudden purchases don't show up (since I purchase everything), this works for us.

But that's not where you and DH are. People fall in love and marry each other because we see qualities that we admire. But those very qualities can be the causes of friction down the road. Your DH was extremely impressed with your financial discipline. It was something he lacked. You probably grew up very self-sufficient and lonely, and you admired your DH's abilities to smell the flowers, so to speak, to have fun with friends, live in the moment, laugh spontaneously...I am just guessing here.

But these differences are also causing friction.

I have been married for close on to 20 years, to the same man. We have our ups and downs, but over the years we have met more in the middle.

You will not starve. You can spend a little. Your DH needs to have more input into the family finances, and alleviate some of your stress, and you need to give him some blind control.

People on this thread are screaming at you and accusing you of being a control freak, but then, your DH is acting like a child. He gives you no input, and just spends. That's not the behavior of a responsible adult. You are probably very stressed right now because now you must manage the finances and secure not only your future, but your husband's too.

And also: are you feeling responsible for his parents? I mean, you're Asian and all...let me just say, I doubt your in-laws have expectations to be taken care of anything like Asian in-laws. They have social security and all that jazz (unlike our motherlands). They won't be homeless. They are not expecting to move in with you, and have you wait on them hand and foot. They are not Asian.

There are good and bad in every culture. But because you chose to marry outside of your culture, you need to bend in order to create a happy home.

Your anger and fear are not based on reason. You will never starve. But please do not make your husband miserable. Also: since you spoke in gross ethnic generalities, let me throw one back: white non-ethnic American men do not understand when a woman screams at them. It's not part of their culture and they see it as crazy/abusive. They do not know how to handle.

Cut your DH some slack. The US culture is one that works hard and parties hard. It's not too bad of an outlook or a way to live.

OP here, thank you for this post. My husband actually is Jewish! I managed to find the one Jewish family with no financial sense or know-how, lol. His family is really assimilationist though and their idea of a compliment is to tell each other that they don't really look Jewish. Being Jewish, he is accustomed to strong willed women though, so at least I have that going for me. His in laws might not be expecting me to become their caretaker and serve them breakfast and tea each morning the way Asian people usually expect of DILs, but the way they spend, they are one crisis away from homelessness. If that happens, might not have a choice but to agree to save them from their irresponsibility or else risk losing my husband.