Every couple should spend a week with children before having a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Different PP. I didn't read that as you are miserable, but you are a miserable (e.g. very unpleasant and obnoxious) person, which I agree with. You are the judgmental type that has to put others and their decisions down to make yourself feel superior. You are the type that perpetuates mommy wars. You aren't just satisfied that OP is making the right decision, you think she's making the right decision because she isn't capable of raising children well, hence you feel superior because you feel you can do all the "superficial" things that she desires and still raise children.

I'm sorry your children have to be raised by such a petty person. I hope that they will learn not to be so judgmental and unkind, but unfortunately, it's probably too late because kids tend to mimic those they are reared by.

Wow PP. You made a lot of assumptions there! Actually you don't sounds like a very nice person yourself.

To clarify, I don't think that OP is making the right decision because she isn't capable of raising children well, rather I think she's making the right decision because she's just not into having kids and having to make the lifestyle changes that often come with being a parent (less sleep, not having nice furniture, etc). For example, a child may be capable of growing up and becoming a physician but they shouldn't become one if they are not interested in medicine.

Communication and lack of sex is not dependent on whether or not someone is a parent imo, so those reasons are irrelevant. Some people are really into keeping their lifestyle a certain way and those people may not be cut out to be parents. No judgement there. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, humans are unable to love other people's kids as their own. Don't fool yourself.

Not to say you should have kids, but your premise is flawed. Babysitting relatives' kids is quite different from experiencing parenthood.

I feel this statement is offensive to people who adopt children, especially when the children are older! I don’t think adoptive parents feel as you have stated. I also know of people who end up with their nieces and nephews in tragic circumstances and certainly love those children an experience "parenthood". I think the OP is 100% right that spending a week w/ any children alone is an indicator of what life will be like as a parent when you speaking of the day to day freedoms. The work on the daily level is the same regardless if they are your own or not. The OP is not talking about if they would love or not love their kids or filling a missing void, she is talking about what lifestyle changes would have to be made and she is 100% correct. The things she brings to light do go away with young children and although some people are willing to trade those things, others are not. OP, I think you are making a great decision and I applaud you for making the right choice for you and your husband! No one should ever feel like they have to have children because that is what society thinks! You are being responsible and I agree that any childless couple should spend a week with young children and see what kind of works is involved.

~signed a parent

\\

um ... no offense taken by this adoptive parent. when you adopt a kid they ARE your own, stupid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow PP. You made a lot of assumptions there! Actually you don't sounds like a very nice person yourself.

To clarify, I don't think that OP is making the right decision because she isn't capable of raising children well, rather I think she's making the right decision because she's just not into having kids and having to make the lifestyle changes that often come with being a parent (less sleep, not having nice furniture, etc). For example, a child may be capable of growing up and becoming a physician but they shouldn't become one if they are not interested in medicine.

Communication and lack of sex is not dependent on whether or not someone is a parent imo, so those reasons are irrelevant. Some people are really into keeping their lifestyle a certain way and those people may not be cut out to be parents. No judgement there. It is what it is.

I based my comments on how you judged and criticized OP in your own comments. You put her down very insultingly based on her reasoning. You called her decisions superficial and self-centered.

22:02 wrote:
Based on the above comment Op sounds pretty superficial and self centered. I would not recommend that she have children. You've made a good decision to stay childless, OP!

22:19 wrote:
Sorry but OP's focus on money, the tidiness of her house and having 'nice furniture' just seems superficial to me.

I don't think that all people who chose to be childless and superficial and self centered. On the contrary.... I actually applaud the voluntarily childless folks for having the strength to go against societal expectation and remain childless. They are doing everyone a favor by not having kids if they already know they will not be that into them. A lot of people don't have what it takes to raise children and give them what they need (which is a lot), and I'm relieved when I hear that people who are like OP decide not to have kids.

How is this not saying that you thought OP was not capable of caring for kids? You said she doesn't have what it takes to raise children and give them what they need.

As for her reasoning for why she thought she shouldn't have kids:

22:35 wrote:Honestly I think those are lame excuses. Plenty of couples who are parents have marriages where they communicate well and have good sex. Its kind of insulting that she assumes they don't based on her week long experiment. And in my opinion, many things that are worth doing are also exhausting, including having kids.

You think she has lame excuses. Plenty of couples who are parents can do so much better than OP can, that she's clearly an inferior type of person because she decided that she wasn't willing to make the sacrifices that having children would mean. You've completely devalued her reasons for why she made her choice and you think that it was harsh that I called you miserable and mean-spirited?

You were mean and judgmental and when called on it, you're backtracking and trying to say that I was the one that was mean, not you. Hokay. Right.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow! This post was just a suggestion and in no way did I intend to insult parents. In my OP I actually commended people who decide to raise children. It's hard work.
Also, I don't need approval for the choice I've made.
I'm a whole and complete person and don't need approval from anyone to feel good about myself.
I also didn't invite anyone to make judgements about the stability of my marriage or my husband's virility (really????).
How about this-I live my life, you live yours. I'll respect your choices and you respect mine. Good day everyone!!

[Anonymous]

I spend some time in the winter in Sarasota, FLorida. This area has 55+ communities where no children are allowed, except for visits of course. Outside of regions like D.C., most people don't want to be 55 years old with a 10 year old kid.

Most people want to be free of raising kids and possibly just visiting grandkids but the time they are in their 40s and especially 50s. Waiting to have kids past 35 years old is not a good trend, even for men.

And, most of these people are not being taken care of by their kids. They look like they're having a good time and don't want to be bothered by kids. If all older people were going to daily be taken care of by their grown kids, their would no home health care aids, drivers to take them to appointments, retirement communities.

If you think your kids are an investment into free elder care when you are older, think again. You have kids either by accident, or by choice, to raise them to be independent people, not to be your elder care takers.

[Anonymous]

Sure is a lot of misery loves company on this thread. The couple does not want kids. Why does that make PPs so angry? They have their kids, they made their choice, other choose something different. Why the hate, oh right, the jealousy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spend some time in the winter in Sarasota, FLorida. This area has 55+ communities where no children are allowed, except for visits of course. Outside of regions like D.C., most people don't want to be 55 years old with a 10 year old kid.

Most people want to be free of raising kids and possibly just visiting grandkids but the time they are in their 40s and especially 50s. Waiting to have kids past 35 years old is not a good trend, even for men.

And, most of these people are not being taken care of by their kids. They look like they're having a good time and don't want to be bothered by kids. If all older people were going to daily be taken care of by their grown kids, their would no home health care aids, drivers to take them to appointments, retirement communities.

If you think your kids are an investment into free elder care when you are older, think again. You have kids either by accident, or by choice, to raise them to be independent people, not to be your elder care takers.

+1 many good points here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow! This post was just a suggestion and in no way did I intend to insult parents. In my OP I actually commended people who decide to raise children. It's hard work.
Also, I don't need approval for the choice I've made.
I'm a whole and complete person and don't need approval from anyone to feel good about myself.
I also didn't invite anyone to make judgements about the stability of my marriage or my husband's virility (really????).
How about this-I live my life, you live yours. I'll respect your choices and you respect mine. Good day everyone!!

I wrote that it was a little insulting to parents earlier. I re-read your post, and I don't think it was, so sorry for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spend some time in the winter in Sarasota, FLorida. This area has 55+ communities where no children are allowed, except for visits of course. Outside of regions like D.C., most people don't want to be 55 years old with a 10 year old kid.

Most people want to be free of raising kids and possibly just visiting grandkids but the time they are in their 40s and especially 50s. Waiting to have kids past 35 years old is not a good trend, even for men.

And, most of these people are not being taken care of by their kids. They look like they're having a good time and don't want to be bothered by kids. If all older people were going to daily be taken care of by their grown kids, their would no home health care aids, drivers to take them to appointments, retirement communities.

If you think your kids are an investment into free elder care when you are older, think again. You have kids either by accident, or by choice, to raise them to be independent people, not to be your elder care takers.

Outside of regions like D.C., there are not a lot of dual career power couples, so of course the trend is to have kids early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is very different with your own kids.

Heh...DW and I have six weeks +/- to go before our first arrives. I guess we'll find out. I haven't looked after DW's nephew & niece, but I have two nieces and I've looked after them for 4-5 days while my sister and her hubby had a getaway. NFW I could keep those kids permanently. Maybe, now that the older niece is on Ritalin...but she's like her daddy, and I can barely tolerate my BIL for more than a few hours at a time. Younger niece is like our family and I think I could handle her for a longer period.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I'm betting the OP is regretting even posting.

I always had a burning desire to have children. Their father wanted to have kids, but decided he didn't like actual parenting and bowed out. My life would have been a lot easier if I was childless, but I wouldn't change a thing, because my kids are the best thing in the world. Now that my kids are getting older, I try to impress upon them not just what a joy parenting can be, but also that it's a choice they have to right to make, or refuse.

I want them to know that they shouldn't bring another person into the world if they're not sure they are ready to devote their lives to it for the next two decades. I'm astonished that so many people want to bash OP and her DH for making a reasonable choice that negatively affects absolutely no one. Why would anyone on this overcrowded planet berate a complete stranger for this?

Thank you, OP, for making a well-considered choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, humans are unable to love other people's kids as their own. Don't fool yourself.

Not to say you should have kids, but your premise is flawed. Babysitting relatives' kids is quite different from experiencing parenthood.

I feel this statement is offensive to people who adopt children, especially when the children are older! I don’t think adoptive parents feel as you have stated. I also know of people who end up with their nieces and nephews in tragic circumstances and certainly love those children an experience "parenthood". I think the OP is 100% right that spending a week w/ any children alone is an indicator of what life will be like as a parent when you speaking of the day to day freedoms. The work on the daily level is the same regardless if they are your own or not. The OP is not talking about if they would love or not love their kids or filling a missing void, she is talking about what lifestyle changes would have to be made and she is 100% correct. The things she brings to light do go away with young children and although some people are willing to trade those things, others are not. OP, I think you are making a great decision and I applaud you for making the right choice for you and your husband! No one should ever feel like they have to have children because that is what society thinks! You are being responsible and I agree that any childless couple should spend a week with young children and see what kind of works is involved.

~signed a parent

\\

um ... no offense taken by this adoptive parent. when you adopt a kid they ARE your own, stupid

I took the statment to mean children you have given birth to.

[Anonymous]

Meh! Human race is not in danger of extinction. If some people do not want to procreate it is ultimately good for the environment. More power to OP and her spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh stop trying to shame the OP, Carl Sagan. Yes, many people raise children and do all those things. But not everyone and raising children is not for everyone. OP is trying to say, some people are better off not having children and if they had really experienced some of those things might have made a better decision not to have children. Just because everyone else does something, does not mean that it is right for the individual.

She should be ashamed of herself. Anyone who does not have children for such puny, weak-minded reasons is a total failure as a human being.

What is she doing with her time now? Watching TV and surfing the web in her pristine house? Yaay for her. She can look back on that from her deathbed with great satisfaction. Too bad there won't be any children or grandchildren to comfort her.

Are you jealous or just a total b*tch all the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are responding this way because OP came to a parenting site and basically said THANK GOD I don't have your shitty lives, not because they care she doesn't want kids or are unhappy in their own lives. I don't think OP was trying to be mean, but it came off a little rude. I'm not going to go on some childless by choice website and start extolling the virtues of parenthood.

Wow... so hypersensitive!