DD 16 is involved in a sexual relationship

[Anonymous]

My dad told me that he would rather I have sex in the house than on the street. He also showed me how to use a condom with a broomstick. He said that my two oldest brothers were evidence that many boys don't use condoms correctly. Just saying, there are people like OP out there. I had a high school boyfriend that I loved. He was a good guy; but it didn't work out (which I'm happy for now). All is well. Sounds to me like OP's daughter will be just fine. I hope this is the worst thing I have to worry about when my kids are 16.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 year old DD has a had a boyfriend (that we like very much) since September. I finally asked and she told me that they were in a sexual relationship but not to worry because they went to her doctor (gyno) together and she is on the pill. They have sex in her room.

Okay - yikes! I'm very glad she is responsible and went to the doctor with her boyfriend to get on birth control but... my daughter is having sex while DH and I are downstairs watching TV!!!

DD is a top student, always ranked first or second in her class, and an accomplished ballet dancer. I have always been very lax with curfews/rules because she has always been so responsible. This sex thing just threw me for a loop.

Yet another parent who raised her child with zero morals, but hey, as long as she makes top grades and is "an accomplished ballet dancer" (oh, wow!!!), that is all that matters.

Thanks for the warning to this mother of young girls. Yours is an end result I would consider a complete failure.

You and your parents are the only moral failures here. The sad part is you'll never understand why.

Oh, really? Then why don't you explain it to me, in your great wisdom. Yes, if my 16 year old was having sex (IN MY HOME, WHILE I WAS DOWNSTAIRS IGNORING HER WHILE I'M WATCHING TV), you'd better believe, that is a complete moral failure on the part of the parent.

Sex itself is not a moral issue. It's a natural biological and social function. It's the how, who, when about how each person treats the other within that sexual relationship that is a moral issue. OP's daughter is approaching this responsibly. If she were having sex with a much older man, or casual sex with multiple partners, or sex within an emotionally abusive or manipulative relationship, that would be entirely different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. DD and her boyfriend split the cost of the doctor's visit and prescription - DD told me that she insisted on this. So I never saw an insurance statement/doctor's bill.

Now that this is the situation, telling me what I should or shouldn't have done is not helpful - it is what is is and I have been successful in "parenting" a successful student and disciplined dancer who never had a curfew because she voluntarily comes home early! She is also a very kind, generous and popular girl.

But even for the more puritanical parents - what if anything should I do now?

I'm a little confused, OP - do you object to her having sex in her bedroom or not? You just keep saying you're shocked but not that you disapprove or that you wish she wouldn't. I think you should figure that out - we all have different views on our kids and sex, obviously.

My two cents - your daughter is already having sex and she sounds responsible about it, so I doubt you could get her to stop now. SI think she may be overplaying how responsible she is about it, though and 16 year olds do stupid things all the time. I'd sit her and the boyfriend own together (I don't care how awkward that is) and talk about missing birth control pills and STDs and how much a pregnancy would screw up both of their lives. I'd scare the crap out of them so that they would take every precaution with the birth control and do it right.

Then I'd set some ground rules about where/when they can have sex in your house according to whatever makes you comfortable. And lastly, I would talk to the boyfriend and tell him you're going to tell his parents. If he tells you his parents would freak out and make his life miserable, then perhaps you can consider not telling them. But I think you owe it to his parents to tell him now that you know so that they can give him whatever parenting advice they want to about this. And so that they can know to set sex groundrules in their house.

All of this will be SUPER awkward and you will not enjoy it. But don't convince yourself that you don't need to do it just because it will be hard.

I think this is good advice. I too wonder about a doctor's visit. I assume it must be to a clinic as her regular doctor would presumably generate some paperwork like insurance charges, etc. . . . I would set an appointment with her doctor and take her, but not go in. Have a conversation with the doctor in advance, or send an email, letting him/her know the purpose of the appointment. Let your daughter go into the office alone though so she can ask whatever questions she wants without you in the room. Make sure any script. works for her -- a problem with a clinic that may not have a complete history -- and works with your insurance. For example, your daughter may not have told a clinic doctor about acne or allergy meds. Be certain. Talk about the effectiveness of birth control. When she breaks up with the current boyfriend -- does she keep taking it or does she stop?

I do think a talk with the guys parents is appropriate. I would not bring up that the kids are having sex, but instead say something along the lines that the kids are dating, and that you are discussing relationship and sex with your daughter, and that they may wish to have a similar conversation with their son. When my oldest started dating a girl right around 16 we got a call from her mom asking if she could have a conversation with our son and her daughter together. That was fine too. The more communication the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 year old DD has a had a boyfriend (that we like very much) since September. I finally asked and she told me that they were in a sexual relationship but not to worry because they went to her doctor (gyno) together and she is on the pill. They have sex in her room.

Okay - yikes! I'm very glad she is responsible and went to the doctor with her boyfriend to get on birth control but... my daughter is having sex while DH and I are downstairs watching TV!!!

DD is a top student, always ranked first or second in her class, and an accomplished ballet dancer. I have always been very lax with curfews/rules because she has always been so responsible. This sex thing just threw me for a loop.

Yet another parent who raised her child with zero morals, but hey, as long as she makes top grades and is "an accomplished ballet dancer" (oh, wow!!!), that is all that matters.

Thanks for the warning to this mother of young girls. Yours is an end result I would consider a complete failure.

You and your parents are the only moral failures here. The sad part is you'll never understand why.

Oh, really? Then why don't you explain it to me, in your great wisdom. Yes, if my 16 year old was having sex (IN MY HOME, WHILE I WAS DOWNSTAIRS IGNORING HER WHILE I'M WATCHING TV), you'd better believe, that is a complete moral failure on the part of the parent.

Sex itself is not a moral issue. It's a natural biological and social function. It's the how, who, when about how each person treats the other within that sexual relationship that is a moral issue. OP's daughter is approaching this responsibly. If she were having sex with a much older man, or casual sex with multiple partners, or sex within an emotionally abusive or manipulative relationship, that would be entirely different.

NP. Sex is a normal biological function - absolutely. So, does that mean 12 is old enough to have sex? Hey, what about 10? It is a *moral* decision as to when it is appropriate for a person to have sex. If it's so normal to have sex at 16, then why do so parents insist their daughters have an abortion if they get knocked up at 16? Why can't it be normal to be a parent at 16? After all, the biological reason to have sex is to have babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 16 year old DD has a had a boyfriend (that we like very much) since September. I finally asked and she told me that they were in a sexual relationship but not to worry because they went to her doctor (gyno) together and she is on the pill. They have sex in her room.

Okay - yikes! I'm very glad she is responsible and went to the doctor with her boyfriend to get on birth control but... my daughter is having sex while DH and I are downstairs watching TV!!!

DD is a top student, always ranked first or second in her class, and an accomplished ballet dancer. I have always been very lax with curfews/rules because she has always been so responsible.

This sex thing just threw me for a loop.

Why the F are they in her bedroom together? What did you think they were doing in there. Playing checkers???

Sad to see that your daughter is more responsible as a kid than you are as a mother. 16 is too late to talk birth control. You could have been a grand mom

[Anonymous]

and this is why church is great, they should wait until at least 18

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks this might be that pervert troll again.

Nope. I posted the same thing a few pages back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and this is why church is great, they should wait until at least 18

I was very active in my Christian church - which is where I had sex for the first time at 15! Yes, church was indeed great!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and this is why church is great, they should wait until at least 18

I was very active in my Christian church - which is where I had sex for the first time at 15! Yes, church was indeed great!!

+1 I lost my virginity on a Christian retreat when I was 17!

[Anonymous]

Do not let them hang out in their room. Its just inappropriate. DD and her BF hang out in other areas of the house. I'm not under the illusion that I'm going to entirely prevent teen sex, but I'm also not running a motel.

Parent of a 17 yo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not let them hang out in their room. Its just inappropriate. DD and her BF hang out in other areas of the house. I'm not under the illusion that I'm going to entirely prevent teen sex, but I'm also not running a motel.

Parent of a 17 yo.

OP made it clear that she has always studied in the room attached to her bedroom and her bedroom has an outdoor entrance. And he daughter is in ballet for 3 hours a day after school and top of her class - I can't see how the DD has much "hanging out" time.

The daughter sounds very mature and responsible - I wouldn't have an issue with her engaging in safe sex within the context of a relationship in my home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and this is why church is great, they should wait until at least 18

I was very active in my Christian church - which is where I had sex for the first time at 15! Yes, church was indeed great!!

+1 I lost my virginity on a Christian retreat when I was 17!

My best friend (gay) lost his virginity at 18 to a Baptist minister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My only comment here is that 16 is too young to have such a serious relationship. Too much drama.

Get out of the '60s. Teenage sex does not constitute a serious relationship these days.

And this is where the problems arise. Many of you need to read a few good books on the development of the adolescent brain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and this is why church is great, they should wait until at least 18

I was very active in my Christian church - which is where I had sex for the first time at 15! Yes, church was indeed great!!

+1 I lost my virginity on a Christian retreat when I was 17!

My best friend (gay) lost his virginity at 18 to a Baptist minister.

* his married Baptist minister.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if the responses would be different if it was the mother of the boyfriend posting?