DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure (other than continuing to engage with people whose main interest is to say mean things about me) how I've come off as "outraged" here.

Yes, I agree that some people have said mean things about you. However, other people have not been mean, and have simply said things that you disagreed with, and you have been very argumentative and inflammatory in response. It is fine not to agree with people's opinions, but you posted here asking for them. If you don't want to take the advice, just ignore it and move on, as is your right. People may be responding to you negatively because you feel the need to debate every suggestion that you disagree with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. It's all DH's fault, so take it up with him. You should tell your MIL that you know now, though.

I did take it up with DH... how should I tell MIL that I know?

DH muffed it up, let HIM tell HIS mother what the fallout was. Why in the hell did he blab to her after you two made an agreement about telling everyone together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine the eggshells that poor man walks on.

Why? Because I posted in a forum asking for advice about it? Or because I care about something you think I shouldn't? He doesn't think it's wrong for me to be hurt by this, and my communications about it have been very productive with him. You guys really think it's ok to just lie about a promise you made to someone? <shrug> ok, that's fine but it's not the relationship for me, and my DH agrees.

No, I don't think it's okay to lie.

On the other hand, you have wrecked your relationship with your MIL and are currently wrecking your relationship with your DH because he lied about something you profess to not care about.

No harm, no foul, lady. If you don't care about whether his mother knew or not, you don't get to punish him for it. It's a white lie. Move on.

OK, apparently this is too complicated for you to understand. If so, you should go with bowing out as suggested earlier.

Of course I cared whether his mother knew at the time. I just don't care ANYMORE about that. Now I care about the fact that they lied about something they knew I DID care about at the time. And I care way more about lying to me about something than I care about the underlying thing, and I've made that clear - if you are going to break a promise/agreement, tell me about it.

Clearly, the only thing to do is for you and DH to divorce. He chose his mother over you. He lied to you. He betrayed your trust. There is no coming back from that. This is as important to you as cheating would be. Divorce is the only thing you can do, now.

[Anonymous]

Holy cow- you are upset about something a year and 1/2 later?

I couldn't get past that part. Your life must be exhausting.

[Anonymous]

NP, can't believe 2 years and/or 10 pages was wasted on this new issue. OP, be thankful that your life is so problem-free that this is an "issue."

[Anonymous]

OP, most other posters are skirting around it and being diplomatic and you are not hearing it, so I will say it very clearly again. you are an emotional wreck.

You said early on "what if I can't get over it [MIL's lie]?" Guess what: you are the only one who can make yourself over it. You let a couple of days or hours define your entire relationship and you continue to do so when the facts changed.

You don't want to move on. You don't want to forgive repair. You want to nurture this "hurt." Fine. Stop ask asking for advice. You have gotten it. Go back to the grudge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy cow- you are upset about something a year and 1/2 later?

I couldn't get past that part. Your life must be exhausting.

DH loves his mother more than he loves OP. He betrayed OP to share secrets with his mother. OP is second-best. She probably is right to be upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't fail to see the irony in the fact that it was SO IMPORTANT to keep the secret of your pregnancy from your MIL for 17 weeks, well beyond what is a reasonable time, because you are a "private person" but you have no problem sharing your hurt feelings with her at the drop of a hat 18 months later. What a piece of work you are.

It's funny how you quoted "private person," even though that is something I never said. Reading comprehension much?

I haven't decided whether to "share my hurt feelings" with her. If it's not productive, I won't do it. I would only do it if I felt it would be productive. Based on the response here, I am not at all sure of that, so I will probably just continue not trusting her or liking her much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm perplexed as to why your MIL is the focus of your anger. It seems to me that your DH telling her and then supporting her deception is a much larger issue, and that the MIL issue is really tangential.

That's true but I can work through it with DH (and we are). I'm focusing on the MIL part here because DH and I are working on that part of it.

OMG! You are immature!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy cow- you are upset about something a year and 1/2 later?

I couldn't get past that part. Your life must be exhausting.

DH loves his mother more than he loves OP. He betrayed OP to share secrets with his mother. OP is second-best. She probably is right to be upset.

This is ridiculous. He got over excited about this baby and spilled the beans to his mom. Big whoop. My DH did the same (but to his dad, not mom), but I am not freaking out about it. He "lied" because it is clear to both him and MIL that OP is a major reactor. She would have gone batshit then. The only thing he did wrong was ever telling his wife about the great big lie @@

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not sure (other than continuing to engage with people whose main interest is to say mean things about me) how I've come off as "outraged" here.

Yes, I agree that some people have said mean things about you. However, other people have not been mean, and have simply said things that you disagreed with, and you have been very argumentative and inflammatory in response. It is fine not to agree with people's opinions, but you posted here asking for them. If you don't want to take the advice, just ignore it and move on, as is your right. People may be responding to you negatively because you feel the need to debate every suggestion that you disagree with.

Example? I've agreed with a lot of things people said, even the mean people, and taken their suggestions seriously. The only things I've said that are inflammatory were in response to people who said inflammatory stuff first. At least one of the inflammatory remarks wasn't me (but even that one was in response to something inflammatory).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy cow- you are upset about something a year and 1/2 later?

I couldn't get past that part. Your life must be exhausting.

DH loves his mother more than he loves OP. He betrayed OP to share secrets with his mother. OP is second-best. She probably is right to be upset.

This is ridiculous. He got over excited about this baby and spilled the beans to his mom. Big whoop. My DH did the same (but to his dad, not mom), but I am not freaking out about it. He "lied" because it is clear to both him and MIL that OP is a major reactor. She would have gone batshit then. The only thing he did wrong was ever telling his wife about the great big lie @@

If he really feels this way about me, then he absolutely should divorce me. I'm serious - if he thinks I'm such an overreactor that he has to lie to me for 1.5 years, the relationship is broken.

Luckily, he realizes that what he did was actually wrong and we're doing just fine trying to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is to blame here. 100%. In addition to betraying your trust and going against you with something that's a pretty big deal, he put his mother in a horrible situation by doing so. What was she supposed to do? Call her son out right then and there? Say "congrats! But your shady husband already told me that."?

You say your relationship with her started out with a lie, but it was your husband's lie, not hers.

So dramatic! The relationship not built on a lie, he made an error in judgement. I'm really shocked that all of this time later, this is such a big deal. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. It's all DH's fault, so take it up with him. You should tell your MIL that you know now, though.

I did take it up with DH... how should I tell MIL that I know?

DH muffed it up, let HIM tell HIS mother what the fallout was. Why in the hell did he blab to her after you two made an agreement about telling everyone together?

It wasn't because he was excited and spilled the beans... it was something worse than that, but I'm not going to describe it here because it's just more trollbait.

[Anonymous]

Ok, so DH told your MIL. But why did MIL had to overact? I mean she could have reacted like normal person and you would not have known.

She is a whack job and you can just ignore her.