DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy

[Anonymous]

If he really feels this way about me, then he absolutely should divorce me. I'm serious - if he thinks I'm such an overreactor that he has to lie to me for 1.5 years, the relationship is broken.

I am genuinely confused. Isn't that pretty much what he did?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is to blame here. 100%. In addition to betraying your trust and going against you with something that's a pretty big deal, he put his mother in a horrible situation by doing so. What was she supposed to do? Call her son out right then and there? Say "congrats! But your shady husband already told me that."?

You say your relationship with her started out with a lie, but it was your husband's lie, not hers.

So dramatic! The relationship not built on a lie, he made an error in judgement. I'm really shocked that all of this time later, this is such a big deal. Move on.

I agree that this is an error in judgment, but one with trust implications.

[Anonymous]

There is something pathetic about OP responding to nearly every post and defending herself. At what point will she see when the majority of 10 pages think she is wayyyyy overreacting that maybe she is over reacting?

Never I guess. Some people have no room for personal growth because they have to be the perpetual victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If he really feels this way about me, then he absolutely should divorce me. I'm serious - if he thinks I'm such an overreactor that he has to lie to me for 1.5 years, the relationship is broken.

I am genuinely confused. Isn't that pretty much what he did?

Yes, but it wasn't completely my fault. He and I agree on this. I know (some of) you guys would much rather just be assholes than just accept that DH and I have discussed these aspects of our personalities and agree on this, but it is the truth. We have each accepted our parts in it. My statement about brokenness were if he defended it on that ground (which he did NOT).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But you are not going to have a great relationship with every person - whether they are your mother in law or not. I think what you need to focus on is why you have such a hard time letting go of the idea that you would have had a great relationship but for this incident. Yes, the behavior of both your MIL and DH strikes me as inappropriate (especially your DH, but her as well). But it seems to me from your postings that it is unlikely that anything can be done to resolve your issues with MIL - and that is fine. But I do think it would be helpful for you to speak to someone to figure out how to move forward productively and not dwell on it, whether or not you wind up being close with her. You are expending a lot of emotional energy being upset about this, and it doesn't seem that you are getting much benefit from it.


lol @ the evidence of expending emotional energy being because I posted to DCUM about it and paid a lot of attention to my thread today. Isn't the standard for posting to DCUM about something much lower than that?

Ok, then, if you are not worried about it, I'm not sure why you posted in the first place, but if that's the case, I presume you don't need any more advice.

I can't believe that I have read this entire thread. OP, why don't you just confront your MIL about this. I mean you obviously have no problem expressing yourself and making your stance known on integrity, honesty and deception. Just talk to her about this whole thing. Maybe print out this thread so that you can remember specific points in your feelings. Then you can maybe get some closure and you also can get her perspective on the situation. It may also give you the opportunity to start over with her. You say you are dealing with this proactively with DH, so now move on to MIL. You say you can't trust her and that you are sad for the relationship that could have been, well give her and yourself a do over. If you want to be so honest, then be honest with her. Tell her how hurt you are over this "deception". I mean the relationship can't get any worse right?
Man, I can't win with you guys

How about this - I care about it and want things to be improved, but I don't think the fact that I'm posting about it today is evidence that I am OMGZ OBSESSED, I thought that suggestion was funny.

If sincere, thank you. Can't totally tell bc the quotes are out of order and I'm not sure if I'm reading the right thing

Look, in the end my feelings are mine and other people's are theirs. From my end, it would help to discuss this with her or at least get some kind of communication going on about it. But for her it may not. If she doesn't really care about her relationship with me then there is no sense rocking this boat. This exercise has been useful - if my MIL responds the way at least one poster did here (I think mostly 1, maybe 2), it will just make things worse and the best approach is to just shut up and "let it go" - that won't result in trust or a particularly warm relationship with my MIL, but it may be the best I can hope for.

I was the bolded poster, sorry that it posted in between weirdly.

I was being sincere, I think you should talk to her. She may care or she may not, but at least you would have gotten your feelings off your chest. But you won't know if you don't talk to her. Maybe she has been wondering as well why you have been acting like you have been acting for the last year and half. Reading your posts, this issue seems like it is really laying heavy on you. I think you should also think about that, why is this bothering you so much? You and DH are working it out, why are you holding this against MIL? I think I read that she does not know you know right? So all of this time, have you been treating her like a Wicked MIL? Give her chance to be forgiven (without her apologizing).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is something pathetic about OP responding to nearly every post and defending herself. At what point will she see when the majority of 10 pages think she is wayyyyy overreacting that maybe she is over reacting?

Never I guess. Some people have no room for personal growth because they have to be the perpetual victim.

I definitely have room to grow in the "get back to work and stop screwing around on the internet" realm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so DH told your MIL. But why did MIL had to overact? I mean she could have reacted like normal person and you would not have known.

She is a whack job and you can just ignore her.

She is a bad actress, that's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But you are not going to have a great relationship with every person - whether they are your mother in law or not. I think what you need to focus on is why you have such a hard time letting go of the idea that you would have had a great relationship but for this incident. Yes, the behavior of both your MIL and DH strikes me as inappropriate (especially your DH, but her as well). But it seems to me from your postings that it is unlikely that anything can be done to resolve your issues with MIL - and that is fine. But I do think it would be helpful for you to speak to someone to figure out how to move forward productively and not dwell on it, whether or not you wind up being close with her. You are expending a lot of emotional energy being upset about this, and it doesn't seem that you are getting much benefit from it.


lol @ the evidence of expending emotional energy being because I posted to DCUM about it and paid a lot of attention to my thread today. Isn't the standard for posting to DCUM about something much lower than that?

Ok, then, if you are not worried about it, I'm not sure why you posted in the first place, but if that's the case, I presume you don't need any more advice.

I can't believe that I have read this entire thread. OP, why don't you just confront your MIL about this. I mean you obviously have no problem expressing yourself and making your stance known on integrity, honesty and deception. Just talk to her about this whole thing. Maybe print out this thread so that you can remember specific points in your feelings. Then you can maybe get some closure and you also can get her perspective on the situation. It may also give you the opportunity to start over with her. You say you are dealing with this proactively with DH, so now move on to MIL. You say you can't trust her and that you are sad for the relationship that could have been, well give her and yourself a do over. If you want to be so honest, then be honest with her. Tell her how hurt you are over this "deception". I mean the relationship can't get any worse right?
Man, I can't win with you guys

How about this - I care about it and want things to be improved, but I don't think the fact that I'm posting about it today is evidence that I am OMGZ OBSESSED, I thought that suggestion was funny.

If sincere, thank you. Can't totally tell bc the quotes are out of order and I'm not sure if I'm reading the right thing

Look, in the end my feelings are mine and other people's are theirs. From my end, it would help to discuss this with her or at least get some kind of communication going on about it. But for her it may not. If she doesn't really care about her relationship with me then there is no sense rocking this boat. This exercise has been useful - if my MIL responds the way at least one poster did here (I think mostly 1, maybe 2), it will just make things worse and the best approach is to just shut up and "let it go" - that won't result in trust or a particularly warm relationship with my MIL, but it may be the best I can hope for.

I was the bolded poster, sorry that it posted in between weirdly.

I was being sincere, I think you should talk to her. She may care or she may not, but at least you would have gotten your feelings off your chest. But you won't know if you don't talk to her. Maybe she has been wondering as well why you have been acting like you have been acting for the last year and half. Reading your posts, this issue seems like it is really laying heavy on you. I think you should also think about that, why is this bothering you so much? You and DH are working it out, why are you holding this against MIL? I think I read that she does not know you know right? So all of this time, have you been treating her like a Wicked MIL? Give her chance to be forgiven (without her apologizing).

Thanks - it probably seems more so like that because I'm responding a lot today. And I'm honestly not trying to be defensive, just adding context and deluding myself that it will help people understand But it's true that I wish things were better between me and her, and this threw a wrench into that struggle, which has been perpetual.

[Anonymous]

If he really feels this way about me, then he absolutely should divorce me. I'm serious - if he thinks I'm such an overreactor that he has to lie to me for 1.5 years, the relationship is broken.



I am genuinely confused. Isn't that pretty much what he did?

Yes, but it wasn't completely my fault. He and I agree on this. I know (some of) you guys would much rather just be assholes than just accept that DH and I have discussed these aspects of our personalities and agree on this, but it is the truth.

You said your DH just told you two weeks ago about something that happened 1.5 years ago. He did in fact perpetuate the lie for 1.5 years. If there is some other reason besides not wanting to deal with you being upset that he (1) lied in the first place and (2) allowed the lie to be perpetuated for 1.5 years, there is no way that we could magically surmise it. I don't understand why you feel the need to curse at people, but it certainly doesn't help you come across as mature and reasonable, if that is your objective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If he really feels this way about me, then he absolutely should divorce me. I'm serious - if he thinks I'm such an overreactor that he has to lie to me for 1.5 years, the relationship is broken.



I am genuinely confused. Isn't that pretty much what he did?

Yes, but it wasn't completely my fault. He and I agree on this. I know (some of) you guys would much rather just be assholes than just accept that DH and I have discussed these aspects of our personalities and agree on this, but it is the truth.

You said your DH just told you two weeks ago about something that happened 1.5 years ago. He did in fact perpetuate the lie for 1.5 years. If there is some other reason besides not wanting to deal with you being upset that he (1) lied in the first place and (2) allowed the lie to be perpetuated for 1.5 years, there is no way that we could magically surmise it. I don't understand why you feel the need to curse at people, but it certainly doesn't help you come across as mature and reasonable, if that is your objective.

Is asshole still a curseword? WTF

[Anonymous]

OP, don't bring it up to your MIL. She has probably forgot all about it, and will be totally taken by surprise. I mean, how do you apologize for something you don't remember?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine the eggshells that poor man walks on.

Why? Because I posted in a forum asking for advice about it? Or because I care about something you think I shouldn't? He doesn't think it's wrong for me to be hurt by this, and my communications about it have been very productive with him. You guys really think it's ok to just lie about a promise you made to someone? <shrug> ok, that's fine but it's not the relationship for me, and my DH agrees.

No, I don't think it's okay to lie.

On the other hand, you have wrecked your relationship with your MIL and are currently wrecking your relationship with your DH because he lied about something you profess to not care about.

No harm, no foul, lady. If you don't care about whether his mother knew or not, you don't get to punish him for it. It's a white lie. Move on.

OK, apparently this is too complicated for you to understand. If so, you should go with bowing out as suggested earlier.

Of course I cared whether his mother knew at the time. I just don't care ANYMORE about that. Now I care about the fact that they lied about something they knew I DID care about at the time. And I care way more about lying to me about something than I care about the underlying thing, and I've made that clear - if you are going to break a promise/agreement, tell me about it.

Hey, *I'm* the "bow out" poster coming back only to say I'm not PP. LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy cow- you are upset about something a year and 1/2 later?

I couldn't get past that part. Your life must be exhausting.

DH loves his mother more than he loves OP. He betrayed OP to share secrets with his mother. OP is second-best. She probably is right to be upset.

This is ridiculous. He got over excited about this baby and spilled the beans to his mom. Big whoop. My DH did the same (but to his dad, not mom), but I am not freaking out about it. He "lied" because it is clear to both him and MIL that OP is a major reactor. She would have gone batshit then. The only thing he did wrong was ever telling his wife about the great big lie @@

If he really feels this way about me, then he absolutely should divorce me. I'm serious - if he thinks I'm such an overreactor that he has to lie to me for 1.5 years, the relationship is broken.

Luckily, he realizes that what he did was actually wrong and we're doing just fine trying to fix it.

That's pretty much what he thinks. You can let it go or you can get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy cow- you are upset about something a year and 1/2 later?

I couldn't get past that part. Your life must be exhausting.

DH loves his mother more than he loves OP. He betrayed OP to share secrets with his mother. OP is second-best. She probably is right to be upset.

This is ridiculous. He got over excited about this baby and spilled the beans to his mom. Big whoop. My DH did the same (but to his dad, not mom), but I am not freaking out about it. He "lied" because it is clear to both him and MIL that OP is a major reactor. She would have gone batshit then. The only thing he did wrong was ever telling his wife about the great big lie @@

If he really feels this way about me, then he absolutely should divorce me. I'm serious - if he thinks I'm such an overreactor that he has to lie to me for 1.5 years, the relationship is broken.

Luckily, he realizes that what he did was actually wrong and we're doing just fine trying to fix it.

That's pretty much what he thinks. You can let it go or you can get a divorce.

lol! I'm sure your DH loves that you are a mind reader!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy cow- you are upset about something a year and 1/2 later?

I couldn't get past that part. Your life must be exhausting.

DH loves his mother more than he loves OP. He betrayed OP to share secrets with his mother. OP is second-best. She probably is right to be upset.

This is ridiculous. He got over excited about this baby and spilled the beans to his mom. Big whoop. My DH did the same (but to his dad, not mom), but I am not freaking out about it. He "lied" because it is clear to both him and MIL that OP is a major reactor. She would have gone batshit then. The only thing he did wrong was ever telling his wife about the great big lie @@

If he really feels this way about me, then he absolutely should divorce me. I'm serious - if he thinks I'm such an overreactor that he has to lie to me for 1.5 years, the relationship is broken.

Luckily, he realizes that what he did was actually wrong and we're doing just fine trying to fix it.

That's pretty much what he thinks. You can let it go or you can get a divorce.

OP's DH is up for a un evening with his worked up wife.