DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine the eggshells that poor man walks on.

Why? Because I posted in a forum asking for advice about it? Or because I care about something you think I shouldn't? He doesn't think it's wrong for me to be hurt by this, and my communications about it have been very productive with him. You guys really think it's ok to just lie about a promise you made to someone? <shrug> ok, that's fine but it's not the relationship for me, and my DH agrees.

No, I don't think it's okay to lie.

On the other hand, you have wrecked your relationship with your MIL and are currently wrecking your relationship with your DH because he lied about something you profess to not care about.

No harm, no foul, lady. If you don't care about whether his mother knew or not, you don't get to punish him for it. It's a white lie. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine the eggshells that poor man walks on.

Why? Because I posted in a forum asking for advice about it? Or because I care about something you think I shouldn't? He doesn't think it's wrong for me to be hurt by this, and my communications about it have been very productive with him. You guys really think it's ok to just lie about a promise you made to someone? <shrug> ok, that's fine but it's not the relationship for me, and my DH agrees.

No, I don't think it's okay to lie.

On the other hand, you have wrecked your relationship with your MIL and are currently wrecking your relationship with your DH because he lied about something you profess to not care about.

No harm, no foul, lady. If you don't care about whether his mother knew or not, you don't get to punish him for it. It's a white lie. Move on.

OK, apparently this is too complicated for you to understand. If so, you should go with bowing out as suggested earlier.

Of course I cared whether his mother knew at the time. I just don't care ANYMORE about that. Now I care about the fact that they lied about something they knew I DID care about at the time. And I care way more about lying to me about something than I care about the underlying thing, and I've made that clear - if you are going to break a promise/agreement, tell me about it.

[Anonymous]

But you are not going to have a great relationship with every person - whether they are your mother in law or not. I think what you need to focus on is why you have such a hard time letting go of the idea that you would have had a great relationship but for this incident. Yes, the behavior of both your MIL and DH strikes me as inappropriate (especially your DH, but her as well). But it seems to me from your postings that it is unlikely that anything can be done to resolve your issues with MIL - and that is fine. But I do think it would be helpful for you to speak to someone to figure out how to move forward productively and not dwell on it, whether or not you wind up being close with her. You are expending a lot of emotional energy being upset about this, and it doesn't seem that you are getting much benefit from it.


lol @ the evidence of expending emotional energy being because I posted to DCUM about it and paid a lot of attention to my thread today. Isn't the standard for posting to DCUM about something much lower than that?

Ok, then, if you are not worried about it, I'm not sure why you posted in the first place, but if that's the case, I presume you don't need any more advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But you are not going to have a great relationship with every person - whether they are your mother in law or not. I think what you need to focus on is why you have such a hard time letting go of the idea that you would have had a great relationship but for this incident. Yes, the behavior of both your MIL and DH strikes me as inappropriate (especially your DH, but her as well). But it seems to me from your postings that it is unlikely that anything can be done to resolve your issues with MIL - and that is fine. But I do think it would be helpful for you to speak to someone to figure out how to move forward productively and not dwell on it, whether or not you wind up being close with her. You are expending a lot of emotional energy being upset about this, and it doesn't seem that you are getting much benefit from it.


lol @ the evidence of expending emotional energy being because I posted to DCUM about it and paid a lot of attention to my thread today. Isn't the standard for posting to DCUM about something much lower than that?

Ok, then, if you are not worried about it, I'm not sure why you posted in the first place, but if that's the case, I presume you don't need any more advice.

Man, I can't win with you guys

How about this - I care about it and want things to be improved, but I don't think the fact that I'm posting about it today is evidence that I am OMGZ OBSESSED, I thought that suggestion was funny.

[Anonymous]

I think you sound like a petulant ninny who has nothing else to worry about. The more you 'explain' and whine, the more absurd it sounds. Really, just move on. I don't even remotely get what you have hurt feelings about 2 yrs later.

I feel for your future DIL or SIL. Good grief, drama queen.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you sound like a petulant ninny who has nothing else to worry about. The more you 'explain' and whine, the more absurd it sounds. Really, just move on. I don't even remotely get what you have hurt feelings about 2 yrs later.

I feel for your future DIL or SIL. Good grief, drama queen.

+1

And I feel for your children who have a sociopathic parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But you are not going to have a great relationship with every person - whether they are your mother in law or not. I think what you need to focus on is why you have such a hard time letting go of the idea that you would have had a great relationship but for this incident. Yes, the behavior of both your MIL and DH strikes me as inappropriate (especially your DH, but her as well). But it seems to me from your postings that it is unlikely that anything can be done to resolve your issues with MIL - and that is fine. But I do think it would be helpful for you to speak to someone to figure out how to move forward productively and not dwell on it, whether or not you wind up being close with her. You are expending a lot of emotional energy being upset about this, and it doesn't seem that you are getting much benefit from it.


lol @ the evidence of expending emotional energy being because I posted to DCUM about it and paid a lot of attention to my thread today. Isn't the standard for posting to DCUM about something much lower than that?

Ok, then, if you are not worried about it, I'm not sure why you posted in the first place, but if that's the case, I presume you don't need any more advice.

I can't believe that I have read this entire thread. OP, why don't you just confront your MIL about this. I mean you obviously have no problem expressing yourself and making your stance known on integrity, honesty and deception. Just talk to her about this whole thing. Maybe print out this thread so that you can remember specific points in your feelings. Then you can maybe get some closure and you also can get her perspective on the situation. It may also give you the opportunity to start over with her. You say you are dealing with this proactively with DH, so now move on to MIL. You say you can't trust her and that you are sad for the relationship that could have been, well give her and yourself a do over. If you want to be so honest, then be honest with her. Tell her how hurt you are over this "deception". I mean the relationship can't get any worse right?
Man, I can't win with you guys

How about this - I care about it and want things to be improved, but I don't think the fact that I'm posting about it today is evidence that I am OMGZ OBSESSED, I thought that suggestion was funny.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the above posting error. Here is what I meant to say:

OP, why don't you just confront your MIL about this. I mean you obviously have no problem expressing yourself and making your stance known on integrity, honesty and deception. Just talk to her about this whole thing. Maybe print out this thread so that you can remember specific points in your feelings. Then you can maybe get some closure and you also can get her perspective on the situation. It may also give you the opportunity to start over with her. You say you are dealing with this proactively with DH, so now move on to MIL. You say you can't trust her and that you are sad for the relationship that could have been, well give her and yourself a do over. If you want to be so honest, then be honest with her. Tell her how hurt you are over this "deception". I mean the relationship can't get any worse right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But you are not going to have a great relationship with every person - whether they are your mother in law or not. I think what you need to focus on is why you have such a hard time letting go of the idea that you would have had a great relationship but for this incident. Yes, the behavior of both your MIL and DH strikes me as inappropriate (especially your DH, but her as well). But it seems to me from your postings that it is unlikely that anything can be done to resolve your issues with MIL - and that is fine. But I do think it would be helpful for you to speak to someone to figure out how to move forward productively and not dwell on it, whether or not you wind up being close with her. You are expending a lot of emotional energy being upset about this, and it doesn't seem that you are getting much benefit from it.


lol @ the evidence of expending emotional energy being because I posted to DCUM about it and paid a lot of attention to my thread today. Isn't the standard for posting to DCUM about something much lower than that?

Ok, then, if you are not worried about it, I'm not sure why you posted in the first place, but if that's the case, I presume you don't need any more advice.

I can't believe that I have read this entire thread. OP, why don't you just confront your MIL about this. I mean you obviously have no problem expressing yourself and making your stance known on integrity, honesty and deception. Just talk to her about this whole thing. Maybe print out this thread so that you can remember specific points in your feelings. Then you can maybe get some closure and you also can get her perspective on the situation. It may also give you the opportunity to start over with her. You say you are dealing with this proactively with DH, so now move on to MIL. You say you can't trust her and that you are sad for the relationship that could have been, well give her and yourself a do over. If you want to be so honest, then be honest with her. Tell her how hurt you are over this "deception". I mean the relationship can't get any worse right?
Man, I can't win with you guys

How about this - I care about it and want things to be improved, but I don't think the fact that I'm posting about it today is evidence that I am OMGZ OBSESSED, I thought that suggestion was funny.

If sincere, thank you. Can't totally tell bc the quotes are out of order and I'm not sure if I'm reading the right thing

Look, in the end my feelings are mine and other people's are theirs. From my end, it would help to discuss this with her or at least get some kind of communication going on about it. But for her it may not. If she doesn't really care about her relationship with me then there is no sense rocking this boat. This exercise has been useful - if my MIL responds the way at least one poster did here (I think mostly 1, maybe 2), it will just make things worse and the best approach is to just shut up and "let it go" - that won't result in trust or a particularly warm relationship with my MIL, but it may be the best I can hope for.

[Anonymous]

Your poor husband. You need to get yourself (and him) to counseling. If you'd known about it at the time, your hurt and outrage would have been more understandable. Eighteen month later and you no longer care about the event yet you are clinging to moral outrage. If you ever have 'real' problems, your marriage is going to crumble to dust.

[Anonymous]

I can't even believe OP is still arguing...

Piece of advice, don't beat a dead horse. Your marriage is more doomed with hanging on to arguments and continuing to try to win way past the appropriate timeline. Even IF its "2 weeks" (I argue its 18 months) that is still too long to hang on to such a minor incidence. The fight or disclosure between you and your DH ended 2 weeks ago. Not today. Let it go and let this thread die, please.

For the record I married someone with lots of secrets that don't harm me, so I've learned to trust and let go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your poor husband. You need to get yourself (and him) to counseling. If you'd known about it at the time, your hurt and outrage would have been more understandable. Eighteen month later and you no longer care about the event yet you are clinging to moral outrage. If you ever have 'real' problems, your marriage is going to crumble to dust.

Um yes, two weeks after I found out about a big lie 1.5 years ago, I'm still working through those emotions.

I'm not sure (other than continuing to engage with people whose main interest is to say mean things about me) how I've come off as "outraged" here. I don't think it's acceptable to lie. That's how I responded to DH when he told me about it. This thread was mainly to explore ways to have an improved relationship with MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't even believe OP is still arguing...

Piece of advice, don't beat a dead horse. Your marriage is more doomed with hanging on to arguments and continuing to try to win way past the appropriate timeline. Even IF its "2 weeks" (I argue its 18 months) that is still too long to hang on to such a minor incidence. The fight or disclosure between you and your DH ended 2 weeks ago. Not today. Let it go and let this thread die, please.

For the record I married someone with lots of secrets that don't harm me, so I've learned to trust and let go.

DH and I aren't fighting or at odds on this.

The lie in this case, in case it's gotten lost, wasn't some secret from his past (which I wouldn't care about either), but something involving our pregnancy. It's easy to let go of that piece because it was 18 months ago, harder to let go of the trust piece.

I'm glad I'm married to DH and not you people though, lot of jerks around here

[Anonymous]

Also, why wouldn't I continue to respond to posts? This is my life and I've asked for advice on it. I just don't understand why people responding to posts in their thread is evidence of anything other than they sincerely care about something. And possibly are bored on the internet

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't fail to see the irony in the fact that it was SO IMPORTANT to keep the secret of your pregnancy from your MIL for 17 weeks, well beyond what is a reasonable time, because you are a "private person" but you have no problem sharing your hurt feelings with her at the drop of a hat 18 months later. What a piece of work you are.