DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy

[Anonymous]

You are mad at the wrong person. Your DH broke your agreement and lied to you for 1.5 years! Your MIL probably thought she was trying to help save your relationship with your husband by covering his lie and she went a little overboard. I would try to let it go, it's in the past and there's nothing you can do about it now. Any grudges you hold need to be worked out with your DH, he is the one to blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm perplexed as to why your MIL is the focus of your anger. It seems to me that your DH telling her and then supporting her deception is a much larger issue, and that the MIL issue is really tangential.

That's true but I can work through it with DH (and we are). I'm focusing on the MIL part here because DH and I are working on that part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are mad at the wrong person. Your DH broke your agreement and lied to you for 1.5 years! Your MIL probably thought she was trying to help save your relationship with your husband by covering his lie and she went a little overboard. I would try to let it go, it's in the past and there's nothing you can do about it now. Any grudges you hold need to be worked out with your DH, he is the one to blame.

Again, it may appear that way bc of the nature of my post, but that's only because I'm handling it with DH, so the DH part of it isn't really something I need feedback on (though if you have any let me know). So DH wanted to tell me at one point and MIL convinced him not to. That is another part of it I'm struggling with.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is to blame here. 100%. In addition to betraying your trust and going against you with something that's a pretty big deal, he put his mother in a horrible situation by doing so. What was she supposed to do? Call her son out right then and there? Say "congrats! But your shady husband already told me that."?

You say your relationship with her started out with a lie, but it was your husband's lie, not hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are overreacting. I'm guessing this isn't the only issue with your MIL, as she really didn't do anything wrong other than awkwardly try to keep the secret your DH no doubt told her told her to keep. Seriously, THIS is a "deep betrayal of trust?" The kid is born, everyone knows now. Move on.

I'm inclined to agree. This is such a trivial thing to get upset over. If this is a "deep" betrayal of trust OP, I think you need more problems in your life to put it into perspective. Should your DH have told his mom? No. Is it a big deal? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard for me to figure out what she did. Her telephone behavior was bad? She was passive aggressive? I can't really put my finger on it.

The real betrayal here is your husband, no? It seems to me that you are unwilling to say so.

My understanding is that DH told her about the pregnancy in a certain unplanned context, was going to tell me he had done so and then did not at the behest of his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You hold on to things for far too long. 1.5 years later? Should not be an issue or even cross your mind. Also is it productive to discuss how your relationship went wrong with MIL? Why not focus on either improving it or improving your boundaries/expectations?

But I just learned about it a few weeks ago.

I'm asking how to improve it in light of this.

You learned about it because you did not let it go and your husband was trying to finally relieve you of hating his Mother. Instead you are now making it into a new issue. Can you see how unproductive that is?

Improve your relationship in light of what? Your husband's betrayal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You hold on to things for far too long. 1.5 years later? Should not be an issue or even cross your mind. Also is it productive to discuss how your relationship went wrong with MIL? Why not focus on either improving it or improving your boundaries/expectations?

But I just learned about it a few weeks ago.

I'm asking how to improve it in light of this.

You learned about it because you did not let it go and your husband was trying to finally relieve you of hating his Mother. Instead you are now making it into a new issue. Can you see how unproductive that is?

Improve your relationship in light of what? Your husband's betrayal?

I didn't know about the betrayal - I was just pointing out... I used to have a positive relationship with your mother and then what happened?? And so he finally answered that question. I do think lies like that can be toxic...

[Anonymous]

Be mad that DH hid this from you. It is on him that his mom was hurt and felt you were hiding something from her. He shouldn't have told her--or should have told you he did. He essentially set his mom up to fail.

I wouldn't necessarily hold this against her, especially since she backed off once you spoke up. Her approach wasn't the greatest, but new grandparents are sometimes weird about the transition. DH is the one who owes you an apology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be mad that DH hid this from you. It is on him that his mom was hurt and felt you were hiding something from her. He shouldn't have told her--or should have told you he did. He essentially set his mom up to fail.

I wouldn't necessarily hold this against her, especially since she backed off once you spoke up. Her approach wasn't the greatest, but new grandparents are sometimes weird about the transition. DH is the one who owes you an apology.

The thing is she didn't actually feel any of those things. She was just overacting - DH told me this. He said that he even told her to tone it down, it was obvious how obnoxious she was being, though she saved the worst stuff for while he wasn't around. Was she ACTUALLY being passive aggressive? Maybe there was a component to that but if so that makes it worse!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. It's all DH's fault, so take it up with him. You should tell your MIL that you know now, though.

I did take it up with DH... how should I tell MIL that I know?

You shouldn't.

If anything, realize that DH hurt her too. Forgive her how she dealt with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. It's all DH's fault, so take it up with him. You should tell your MIL that you know now, though.

I did take it up with DH... how should I tell MIL that I know?

You shouldn't.

If anything, realize that DH hurt her too. Forgive her how she dealt with it.

Well I was responding to PP who said I should...

But to you that are saying "just deal with it," this is not helpful for me because I am hurting. How should I deal with it?

I'm not sure how DH hurt her, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are mad at the wrong person. Your DH broke your agreement and lied to you for 1.5 years! Your MIL probably thought she was trying to help save your relationship with your husband by covering his lie and she went a little overboard. I would try to let it go, it's in the past and there's nothing you can do about it now. Any grudges you hold need to be worked out with your DH, he is the one to blame.

Again, it may appear that way bc of the nature of my post, but that's only because I'm handling it with DH, so the DH part of it isn't really something I need feedback on (though if you have any let me know). So DH wanted to tell me at one point and MIL convinced him not to. That is another part of it I'm struggling with.

I don't think there's much to work through with your mother in law. She had an obnoxious phone conversation because your husband made a bad move. She was trying to protect your feelings. I don't see how she has any blame at all. If she has done things that bother you since then, by all means bring that up with her. But leave this long misstep out of your relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are mad at the wrong person. Your DH broke your agreement and lied to you for 1.5 years! Your MIL probably thought she was trying to help save your relationship with your husband by covering his lie and she went a little overboard. I would try to let it go, it's in the past and there's nothing you can do about it now. Any grudges you hold need to be worked out with your DH, he is the one to blame.

Again, it may appear that way bc of the nature of my post, but that's only because I'm handling it with DH, so the DH part of it isn't really something I need feedback on (though if you have any let me know). So DH wanted to tell me at one point and MIL convinced him not to. That is another part of it I'm struggling with.

I don't think there's much to work through with your mother in law. She had an obnoxious phone conversation because your husband made a bad move. She was trying to protect your feelings. I don't see how she has any blame at all. If she has done things that bother you since then, by all means bring that up with her. But leave this long misstep out of your relationship with her.

If I care about it, I need to do something to address it. If you are saying I should leave this out, how should I do this? Should I divorce my DH if I can't get over it?

Also those were just examples of a pattern of truly obnoxious behavior that lasted at least two days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard for me to figure out what she did. Her telephone behavior was bad? She was passive aggressive? I can't really put my finger on it.

The real betrayal here is your husband, no? It seems to me that you are unwilling to say so.

My understanding is that DH told her about the pregnancy in a certain unplanned context, was going to tell me he had done so and then did not at the behest of his mother.

Eesh. So he lied to you because his mom asked him too? That is bad. I wouldn't necessarily trust her as much after that, but the only way forward is polite and civil, not close, and let yourself build back up some feelings of goodwill for her over time.

My MIL asked DH to lie to me once over something big--he didn't--and I have never forgotten that.