DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you have very high expectations of others, as if they must be perfect. You also do seem to react very strongly, and you hold onto things for a long time. You also seem to have black and white thinking.

If you put all that together, you get people around you who fear being honest with you because they know it will upset you and you will hang them until they are dead. And these people don't seem to have it in for you. They sound like average people who care about you, or at least care about not upsetting you.

You do need therapy to address your issues.

What you're dealing with is nothing like the betrayal of multiple lies and cheating, and is nothing like having a MIL who constantly lies and covers for her son's behaviors or what she imagines he might be doing. Trust me, I've lived that.

Your life and everyone around you will be more happy and peaceful if you can work through your issues with a therapist and start letting go of this need for perfection and control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Yup. It's all DH's fault, so take it up with him. You should tell your MIL that you know now, though.

I did take it up with DH... how should I tell MIL that I know?

DH muffed it up, let HIM tell HIS mother what the fallout was. Why in the hell did he blab to her after you two made an agreement about telling everyone together?

It wasn't because he was excited and spilled the beans... it was something worse than that, but I'm not going to describe it here because it's just more trollbait.

You were told way back on page 2 or was a troll actually is. Still haven't' learned?

Of course not. Now 12 pages in you still haven't learned that you're a drama queen and are overreacting. Good LAWRD.

[Anonymous]

People are starving, homeless, no medical care when sick, babies orphanef. They are being murdered in the hundreds in Syria. Yet, you are obsessing about nothing of any importance! Maybe someday you will have a real problem. You are beyond ridiculous

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You are mad at the wrong person. Your DH broke your agreement and lied to you for 1.5 years! Your MIL probably thought she was trying to help save your relationship with your husband by covering his lie and she went a little overboard. I would try to let it go, it's in the past and there's nothing you can do about it now. Any grudges you hold need to be worked out with your DH, he is the one to blame.

Again, it may appear that way bc of the nature of my post, but that's only because I'm handling it with DH, so the DH part of it isn't really something I need feedback on (though if you have any let me know). So DH wanted to tell me at one point and MIL convinced him not to. That is another part of it I'm struggling with.

I don't think there's much to work through with your mother in law. She had an obnoxious phone conversation because your husband made a bad move. She was trying to protect your feelings. I don't see how she has any blame at all. If she has done things that bother you since then, by all means bring that up with her. But leave this long misstep out of your relationship with her.

If I care about it, I need to do something to address it. If you are saying I should leave this out, how should I do this? Should I divorce my DH if I can't get over it?

Also those were just examples of a pattern of truly obnoxious behavior that lasted at least two days.

I think you could benefit from talking to a therapist about this. Clearly the posters here are not understanding your issue and are not helping you resolve it. Maybe a family therapist could help you work it out.

I think the main disconnect is that no one else thinks your mother in law did anything wrong, so there is no rational reason for you to be mad at her. An what on earth is she supposed to apologize for? She was annoying for two days almost 2 years ago? When she was TRYING to be nice and spare your feelings? I just really don't see any issue at all here. She wasn't really being passive aggressive, she was PRETENDING because she thought it would make you feel better. If you feel like you have to discuss this with her, just have a normal conversation. Tell her you appreciate what he was trying to do, but in the future you would rather her not be complicit in your husband lying to you. This should really be something you should be able to laugh at by now.

You only found out two weeks ago, so I'm hoping your emotions are just running high now and soon this won't bother you at all anymore. You should treat your MIL with kindness and recognize that even though she was annoying those two days, she meant well. But if you are still bothered by this, definitely talk to a professional. Maybe he/she can guide you about how to build a better relationship.

I'm definitely going to talk to therapist about it.

You guys seem to be coming from a place of not believing that deception can set a bad tone for relationships. My experience has been that it definitely can, and has here. It's not the 2 days of annoyance that I'm upset about, it's the fact that they would lie to me forever about something they both knew I cared about.

OP, I've tried to be understanding of your issue but now I think you are literally unbelievable. There is no issue. There is nothing to stress over or process. Your MIL is probably bewildered as hell about your reaction because being a more mature older woman, probably 40+ years removed from her pregnancies, she knows how utterly insignificant is the manner in which you get to announce your pregnancy in the grand scheme of things. I mean, what would you have your MIL do? say, "eh, DIL, actually, we know already. Congratulations. Pass the cake." This? Of course not. She went along with your little performance to indulge you, maybe she was clumsy about it but so what. The mature reaction, especially two years later, is to shrug it off and use it as a family joke. You seem strangely committed to holding on to this perceived offense as long and as fiercely as humanly possible. That you need to discuss it with a therapist is truly mindboggling.