I want my husband to reimburse me for half the income I lost during maternity leave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- you guys need to get counseling.

You guys have created a "every man for himself" dynamic that, no matter what people tell you here, does not work in a family structure. Separate acounts are fine as long as you are working towards a common goal and have family needs as the priority. I do not see that here. You each are more worried about keeping what is "yours."

The way I think about it is that the FAMILY took a financial hit with your maternity leave but the flip side is that the FAMILY benefitted from you being home with the baby. But you guys have things set up in such a way that yYOU would take a hit. What I am saying is the system you guys have will NEVER result in shared sacrifice. It is too separate.

+ 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi – OP here.

Thanks for your thoughts/insights..

A few of you have asked what I’m trying to accomplish with this. On one hand, I think I’m not sure (hence the post) and on the other hand, I know that I am trying to be cognizant of the fact that I don’t want to unwittingly create resentment by creating a situation where my time or my income (or time or opinions) is less important than his. And this is the first situation in which this dynamic has come to a head.

And let’s just get this out of the way – yes, money is not the most important thing in life. Yes, marriage will require that we each give what we can to benefit the family and it may not always be able to be equal (if I could figure out how to get him to do half the breastfeeding, I would!). Yes, we will both make immeasurable sacrifices throughout the course of our marriage. Yes, marriage is not a business transaction. Yes, I very much value the time I got to spend with our child.

So anyway…

On the topic of non-shared accounts – I’m surprised so many people find it odd. What we were doing as individuals before we got married worked for us so we stuck with it. We both enjoy managing money and have slightly different approaches to it. Keeping our own accounts allows us to both feel in control of our financial future – in a way which we are comfortable. We have never once fought about money in 5 years (how many with a joint account can say that?). This maternity-leave situation is more of an intellectual discussion than an argument for us. He already said he’d transfer the money if I wanted him to and I already said that I was fine with not doing it if it bothered him. It’s more of the principle of the situation that I think is important/interesting/worth discussing and I am trying to make peace with in my own mind.

I do think the word “reimburse” has thrown people. I think of it more as shared sacrifice.

So on the topic of what I’m trying to accomplish…I recently read the follow up piece to the “Opt Out Generation” in the NY Times Magazine ” and it seemed to me that what really bothered a lot of these women 10 years down the road (after opting out of high paying professions) was the subtle inequality that crept into their marriages. A few articulated that their time/intellect/talents/opinions started to feel less important when they began to have a significantly lower income than their partner. I also read “Lean In” which warned against stopping taking on new opportunities at work because of childcare responsibilities. My husband took a new, very demanding job which he loves while I was pregnant (no pay bump) and therefore could not take paternity leave. I also have a demanding job but was able to take some leave so I did it. But while I was out on maternity leave I was offered a new opportunity that would be a bump for me but also a significant amount of more work that would take me away from home. My husband was strongly against me taking this new position for this reason which struck me as a bit unfair given his current employment status. In this situation, I don’t want the job because I don’t want to be away from home that much – but what if I did?

I think the crux of my question is how does one maintain equality in a marriage when child-rearing tends to demand (physically, socially, economically) so much more from women?

This is the beginning of opting out. You place a greater value on being in the home than your husband does. He doesn't have to value being at home as highly as you do -- he has you picking up the slack at home. (Isn't that why he was "strongly against .. taking this new position"?) You, on the other hand, have to place a higher value on not being "away from home that much", because you do not have a husband who can be at home when you are not because he has a "new very demanding job which he loves."

On the surface it seems like you are "choosing" this, but underneath, if you think about it, you are "choosing" because your spouse has already made a choice that narrows the range of options you have to choose from.

If you are interested in equitable child-raising, then you really need to have an explicit conversation with him about how much direct supervision of the child by one or both birth parents is necessary and how much each one of you feels comfortable outsourcing to nanny, tutor, housekeeper, daycare, etc. Then based on that, you have to have an explicit system for dealing with professional opportunities (alternating? increasing the outsourcing when both of you have increased work responsibilities at the same time? bringing in other family?)

Yes, there is some biology involved, but no, that doesn't mean that you are always the one who has to do everything. Your husband may not be able to breast-feed, but he can certainly do 50% of all feedings with breast milk that you have pumped (or formula).

A lot of the inequity of child-raising comes from how much women ourselves accept. My favorite Ruth Bader Ginsburg quote is to the school who kept calling only her when there was a problem with one of her children at school -- "This child has two parents. I suggest you start alternating calls." Yes, it is tiresome to keep saying this in all facets of your parenting life, even your spouse. Yes, people will think you are a bitch. But, the alternative is to accept the millions of inequities that our culture shoves at mothers in the name of "biology".

Great post, PP.

OP, I wonder if this isn't so much about money as you being resentful that your husband took a more demanding job while you were pregnant, while you've had to make career sacrifices to become a parent?

I also couldn't tell from your follow-up post... when you said your husband paid a little more for incidentals while you were on materity leave, does that mean that you continued to split the mortgage and other major bills 50/50 while you didn't have an income? If that is the case, that is insane. I think it's weird that you seem to have a "me" vs "you" rather than an "us" approach to finances, but in that context, he really is mooching off of you.

[Anonymous]

Did you get a "push prize" - a gift of jewelry for becoming a mom?

I would like to add that 15 years of marriage - joint accounts, the only ongoing arguments on money have been around how much to put in 401ks - dollars vs % vs maxing out.

[Anonymous]

Why did you bother getting married and having a kid? You're already acting like you are divorced and dividing childcare expenses. Oh well, good getting practice now since you are going to end up that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you bother getting married and having a kid? You're already acting like you are divorced and dividing childcare expenses. Oh well, good getting practice now since you are going to end up that way.

OP, why did you bother to have a kid with another human being instead of just using a sperm donor? You're acting like you expect the other person to have an equal child-raising burden in terms of both time and money ..... Most of the rest of the women in our society accept that they must do the lion's share of the work when it comes to raising children. In fact, most of them take pride in it and think that it's their biological destiny to do this and that simply because of biology they are better at it than men. If everyone else thinks that way, you should too. You should be grateful that you are married even though despite the Potemkin village of your marriage "partnership" you are solo-parenting. When your husband pays for "incidentals" like dinner out or "babysits", you can be surprised and thankful and happy, because if you were really a single mom, no one would be buying you dinner, bringing you flowers, buying you "push presents" and you wouldn't have free babysitting.


Just kidding, of course.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you bother getting married and having a kid? You're already acting like you are divorced and dividing childcare expenses. Oh well, good getting practice now since you are going to end up that way.

OP, why did you bother to have a kid with another human being instead of just using a sperm donor? You're acting like you expect the other person to have an equal child-raising burden in terms of both time and money ..... Most of the rest of the women in our society accept that they must do the lion's share of the work when it comes to raising children. In fact, most of them take pride in it and think that it's their biological destiny to do this and that simply because of biology they are better at it than men. If everyone else thinks that way, you should too. You should be grateful that you are married even though despite the Potemkin village of your marriage "partnership" you are solo-parenting. When your husband pays for "incidentals" like dinner out or "babysits", you can be surprised and thankful and happy, because if you were really a single mom, no one would be buying you dinner, bringing you flowers, buying you "push presents" and you wouldn't have free babysitting.

I don't think this is a question about equality it is a question about how the dynamic works when finances are separated to such a degree that reimbursing someone for doing something for the good of the family becomes an issue. My partner stays at home with our children because we are convinced it is a major advantage to have a stay at home parent of his credentials. For me to open up the check-book if we kept separate ones and say a full time nanny would cost me X amount, you are responsible for half, so here is .5X would be demeaning to him and what he brings to the table. It would also be insulting to our relationship.

Most of us are having a problem getting our heads around the OPs position because it is on an entirely different financial dynamic then we are used to - it has little to do with the role of one parent or the other or some other sexist position. Simply put while I can understand logically the OPs financial dynamic as explained I cannot convince myself how it works in a relationship that involves children and a long-term commitment to each other and the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you bother getting married and having a kid? You're already acting like you are divorced and dividing childcare expenses. Oh well, good getting practice now since you are going to end up that way.

OP, why did you bother to have a kid with another human being instead of just using a sperm donor? You're acting like you expect the other person to have an equal child-raising burden in terms of both time and money ..... Most of the rest of the women in our society accept that they must do the lion's share of the work when it comes to raising children. In fact, most of them take pride in it and think that it's their biological destiny to do this and that simply because of biology they are better at it than men. If everyone else thinks that way, you should too. You should be grateful that you are married even though despite the Potemkin village of your marriage "partnership" you are solo-parenting. When your husband pays for "incidentals" like dinner out or "babysits", you can be surprised and thankful and happy, because if you were really a single mom, no one would be buying you dinner, bringing you flowers, buying you "push presents" and you wouldn't have free babysitting.

I don't think this is a question about equality it is a question about how the dynamic works when finances are separated to such a degree that reimbursing someone for doing something for the good of the family becomes an issue. My partner stays at home with our children because we are convinced it is a major advantage to have a stay at home parent of his credentials. For me to open up the check-book if we kept separate ones and say a full time nanny would cost me X amount, you are responsible for half, so here is .5X would be demeaning to him and what he brings to the table. It would also be insulting to our relationship.

Most of us are having a problem getting our heads around the OPs position because it is on an entirely different financial dynamic then we are used to - it has little to do with the role of one parent or the other or some other sexist position. Simply put while I can understand logically the OPs financial dynamic as explained I cannot convince myself how it works in a relationship that involves children and a long-term commitment to each other and the relationship.

+1

OP & her husband have an arrangement analogous to roommates who share a house and 1 person does *all* of the cleaning/housework, etc. I would argue in that arrangment that person should get a discount in the rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi – OP here.

Thanks for your thoughts/insights..

A few of you have asked what I’m trying to accomplish with this. On one hand, I think I’m not sure (hence the post) and on the other hand, I know that I am trying to be cognizant of the fact that I don’t want to unwittingly create resentment by creating a situation where my time or my income (or time or opinions) is less important than his. And this is the first situation in which this dynamic has come to a head.

And let’s just get this out of the way – yes, money is not the most important thing in life. Yes, marriage will require that we each give what we can to benefit the family and it may not always be able to be equal (if I could figure out how to get him to do half the breastfeeding, I would!). Yes, we will both make immeasurable sacrifices throughout the course of our marriage. Yes, marriage is not a business transaction. Yes, I very much value the time I got to spend with our child.

So anyway…

On the topic of non-shared accounts – I’m surprised so many people find it odd. What we were doing as individuals before we got married worked for us so we stuck with it. We both enjoy managing money and have slightly different approaches to it. Keeping our own accounts allows us to both feel in control of our financial future – in a way which we are comfortable. We have never once fought about money in 5 years (how many with a joint account can say that?). This maternity-leave situation is more of an intellectual discussion than an argument for us. He already said he’d transfer the money if I wanted him to and I already said that I was fine with not doing it if it bothered him. It’s more of the principle of the situation that I think is important/interesting/worth discussing and I am trying to make peace with in my own mind.

I do think the word “reimburse” has thrown people. I think of it more as shared sacrifice.

So on the topic of what I’m trying to accomplish…I recently read the follow up piece to the “Opt Out Generation” in the NY Times Magazine ” and it seemed to me that what really bothered a lot of these women 10 years down the road (after opting out of high paying professions) was the subtle inequality that crept into their marriages. A few articulated that their time/intellect/talents/opinions started to feel less important when they began to have a significantly lower income than their partner. I also read “Lean In” which warned against stopping taking on new opportunities at work because of childcare responsibilities. My husband took a new, very demanding job which he loves while I was pregnant (no pay bump) and therefore could not take paternity leave. I also have a demanding job but was able to take some leave so I did it. But while I was out on maternity leave I was offered a new opportunity that would be a bump for me but also a significant amount of more work that would take me away from home. My husband was strongly against me taking this new position for this reason which struck me as a bit unfair given his current employment status. In this situation, I don’t want the job because I don’t want to be away from home that much – but what if I did?

I think the crux of my question is how does one maintain equality in a marriage when child-rearing tends to demand (physically, socially, economically) so much more from women?

This is the beginning of opting out. You place a greater value on being in the home than your husband does. He doesn't have to value being at home as highly as you do -- he has you picking up the slack at home. (Isn't that why he was "strongly against .. taking this new position"?) You, on the other hand, have to place a higher value on not being "away from home that much", because you do not have a husband who can be at home when you are not because he has a "new very demanding job which he loves."

On the surface it seems like you are "choosing" this, but underneath, if you think about it, you are "choosing" because your spouse has already made a choice that narrows the range of options you have to choose from.

If you are interested in equitable child-raising, then you really need to have an explicit conversation with him about how much direct supervision of the child by one or both birth parents is necessary and how much each one of you feels comfortable outsourcing to nanny, tutor, housekeeper, daycare, etc. Then based on that, you have to have an explicit system for dealing with professional opportunities (alternating? increasing the outsourcing when both of you have increased work responsibilities at the same time? bringing in other family?)

Yes, there is some biology involved, but no, that doesn't mean that you are always the one who has to do everything. Your husband may not be able to breast-feed, but he can certainly do 50% of all feedings with breast milk that you have pumped (or formula).

A lot of the inequity of child-raising comes from how much women ourselves accept. My favorite Ruth Bader Ginsburg quote is to the school who kept calling only her when there was a problem with one of her children at school -- "This child has two parents. I suggest you start alternating calls." Yes, it is tiresome to keep saying this in all facets of your parenting life, even your spouse. Yes, people will think you are a bitch. But, the alternative is to accept the millions of inequities that our culture shoves at mothers in the name of "biology".

Great post PP. You hit the nail on the head.

[Anonymous]

Let's accept that some inequality exists. Let's agree to disagree on how vast that inequality is because existence alone is enough for the question I am going to ask.

Does writing a check solve that inequality?

If I wrote my partner a check and told him it covered "all the great things you have done for our relationship and children" I would have to begin writing monthly support checks.

This is why I cannot understand it. I cannot begin to understand how you would put a dollar amount on it. Keeping score in a relationship tends not to go well and I cannot get over a feeling that this is keeping score.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi – OP here.

Thanks for your thoughts/insights..

A few of you have asked what I’m trying to accomplish with this. On one hand, I think I’m not sure (hence the post) and on the other hand, I know that I am trying to be cognizant of the fact that I don’t want to unwittingly create resentment by creating a situation where my time or my income (or time or opinions) is less important than his. And this is the first situation in which this dynamic has come to a head.

And let’s just get this out of the way – yes, money is not the most important thing in life. Yes, marriage will require that we each give what we can to benefit the family and it may not always be able to be equal (if I could figure out how to get him to do half the breastfeeding, I would!). Yes, we will both make immeasurable sacrifices throughout the course of our marriage. Yes, marriage is not a business transaction. Yes, I very much value the time I got to spend with our child.

So anyway…

On the topic of non-shared accounts – I’m surprised so many people find it odd. What we were doing as individuals before we got married worked for us so we stuck with it. We both enjoy managing money and have slightly different approaches to it. Keeping our own accounts allows us to both feel in control of our financial future – in a way which we are comfortable. We have never once fought about money in 5 years (how many with a joint account can say that?). This maternity-leave situation is more of an intellectual discussion than an argument for us. He already said he’d transfer the money if I wanted him to and I already said that I was fine with not doing it if it bothered him. It’s more of the principle of the situation that I think is important/interesting/worth discussing and I am trying to make peace with in my own mind.

I do think the word “reimburse” has thrown people. I think of it more as shared sacrifice.

So on the topic of what I’m trying to accomplish…I recently read the follow up piece to the “Opt Out Generation” in the NY Times Magazine ” and it seemed to me that what really bothered a lot of these women 10 years down the road (after opting out of high paying professions) was the subtle inequality that crept into their marriages. A few articulated that their time/intellect/talents/opinions started to feel less important when they began to have a significantly lower income than their partner. I also read “Lean In” which warned against stopping taking on new opportunities at work because of childcare responsibilities. My husband took a new, very demanding job which he loves while I was pregnant (no pay bump) and therefore could not take paternity leave. I also have a demanding job but was able to take some leave so I did it. But while I was out on maternity leave I was offered a new opportunity that would be a bump for me but also a significant amount of more work that would take me away from home. My husband was strongly against me taking this new position for this reason which struck me as a bit unfair given his current employment status. In this situation, I don’t want the job because I don’t want to be away from home that much – but what if I did?

I think the crux of my question is how does one maintain equality in a marriage when child-rearing tends to demand (physically, socially, economically) so much more from women?

This is the beginning of opting out. You place a greater value on being in the home than your husband does. He doesn't have to value being at home as highly as you do -- he has you picking up the slack at home. (Isn't that why he was "strongly against .. taking this new position"?) You, on the other hand, have to place a higher value on not being "away from home that much", because you do not have a husband who can be at home when you are not because he has a "new very demanding job which he loves."

On the surface it seems like you are "choosing" this, but underneath, if you think about it, you are "choosing" because your spouse has already made a choice that narrows the range of options you have to choose from.

If you are interested in equitable child-raising, then you really need to have an explicit conversation with him about how much direct supervision of the child by one or both birth parents is necessary and how much each one of you feels comfortable outsourcing to nanny, tutor, housekeeper, daycare, etc. Then based on that, you have to have an explicit system for dealing with professional opportunities (alternating? increasing the outsourcing when both of you have increased work responsibilities at the same time? bringing in other family?)

Yes, there is some biology involved, but no, that doesn't mean that you are always the one who has to do everything. Your husband may not be able to breast-feed, but he can certainly do 50% of all feedings with breast milk that you have pumped (or formula).

A lot of the inequity of child-raising comes from how much women ourselves accept. My favorite Ruth Bader Ginsburg quote is to the school who kept calling only her when there was a problem with one of her children at school -- "This child has two parents. I suggest you start alternating calls." Yes, it is tiresome to keep saying this in all facets of your parenting life, even your spouse. Yes, people will think you are a bitch. But, the alternative is to accept the millions of inequities that our culture shoves at mothers in the name of "biology".

Great post PP. You hit the nail on the head.

So do any one of the pps actually have children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi – OP here.

Thanks for your thoughts/insights..

A few of you have asked what I’m trying to accomplish with this. On one hand, I think I’m not sure (hence the post) and on the other hand, I know that I am trying to be cognizant of the fact that I don’t want to unwittingly create resentment by creating a situation where my time or my income (or time or opinions) is less important than his. And this is the first situation in which this dynamic has come to a head.

And let’s just get this out of the way – yes, money is not the most important thing in life. Yes, marriage will require that we each give what we can to benefit the family and it may not always be able to be equal (if I could figure out how to get him to do half the breastfeeding, I would!). Yes, we will both make immeasurable sacrifices throughout the course of our marriage. Yes, marriage is not a business transaction. Yes, I very much value the time I got to spend with our child.

So anyway…

On the topic of non-shared accounts – I’m surprised so many people find it odd. What we were doing as individuals before we got married worked for us so we stuck with it. We both enjoy managing money and have slightly different approaches to it. Keeping our own accounts allows us to both feel in control of our financial future – in a way which we are comfortable. We have never once fought about money in 5 years (how many with a joint account can say that?). This maternity-leave situation is more of an intellectual discussion than an argument for us. He already said he’d transfer the money if I wanted him to and I already said that I was fine with not doing it if it bothered him. It’s more of the principle of the situation that I think is important/interesting/worth discussing and I am trying to make peace with in my own mind.

I do think the word “reimburse” has thrown people. I think of it more as shared sacrifice.

So on the topic of what I’m trying to accomplish…I recently read the follow up piece to the “Opt Out Generation” in the NY Times Magazine ” and it seemed to me that what really bothered a lot of these women 10 years down the road (after opting out of high paying professions) was the subtle inequality that crept into their marriages. A few articulated that their time/intellect/talents/opinions started to feel less important when they began to have a significantly lower income than their partner. I also read “Lean In” which warned against stopping taking on new opportunities at work because of childcare responsibilities. My husband took a new, very demanding job which he loves while I was pregnant (no pay bump) and therefore could not take paternity leave. I also have a demanding job but was able to take some leave so I did it. But while I was out on maternity leave I was offered a new opportunity that would be a bump for me but also a significant amount of more work that would take me away from home. My husband was strongly against me taking this new position for this reason which struck me as a bit unfair given his current employment status. In this situation, I don’t want the job because I don’t want to be away from home that much – but what if I did?

I think the crux of my question is how does one maintain equality in a marriage when child-rearing tends to demand (physically, socially, economically) so much more from women?

This is the beginning of opting out. You place a greater value on being in the home than your husband does. He doesn't have to value being at home as highly as you do -- he has you picking up the slack at home. (Isn't that why he was "strongly against .. taking this new position"?) You, on the other hand, have to place a higher value on not being "away from home that much", because you do not have a husband who can be at home when you are not because he has a "new very demanding job which he loves."

On the surface it seems like you are "choosing" this, but underneath, if you think about it, you are "choosing" because your spouse has already made a choice that narrows the range of options you have to choose from.

If you are interested in equitable child-raising, then you really need to have an explicit conversation with him about how much direct supervision of the child by one or both birth parents is necessary and how much each one of you feels comfortable outsourcing to nanny, tutor, housekeeper, daycare, etc. Then based on that, you have to have an explicit system for dealing with professional opportunities (alternating? increasing the outsourcing when both of you have increased work responsibilities at the same time? bringing in other family?)

Yes, there is some biology involved, but no, that doesn't mean that you are always the one who has to do everything. Your husband may not be able to breast-feed, but he can certainly do 50% of all feedings with breast milk that you have pumped (or formula).

A lot of the inequity of child-raising comes from how much women ourselves accept. My favorite Ruth Bader Ginsburg quote is to the school who kept calling only her when there was a problem with one of her children at school -- "This child has two parents. I suggest you start alternating calls." Yes, it is tiresome to keep saying this in all facets of your parenting life, even your spouse. Yes, people will think you are a bitch. But, the alternative is to accept the millions of inequities that our culture shoves at mothers in the name of "biology".

Great post PP. You hit the nail on the head.

So do any one of the pps actually have children?

+1 I would love to have tips on how you keep it so "fair" when you have 3 kids under the age of ten and WOH like me. Please share your tips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi – OP here.

Thanks for your thoughts/insights..

A few of you have asked what I’m trying to accomplish with this. On one hand, I think I’m not sure (hence the post) and on the other hand, I know that I am trying to be cognizant of the fact that I don’t want to unwittingly create resentment by creating a situation where my time or my income (or time or opinions) is less important than his. And this is the first situation in which this dynamic has come to a head.

And let’s just get this out of the way – yes, money is not the most important thing in life. Yes, marriage will require that we each give what we can to benefit the family and it may not always be able to be equal (if I could figure out how to get him to do half the breastfeeding, I would!). Yes, we will both make immeasurable sacrifices throughout the course of our marriage. Yes, marriage is not a business transaction. Yes, I very much value the time I got to spend with our child.

So anyway…

On the topic of non-shared accounts – I’m surprised so many people find it odd. What we were doing as individuals before we got married worked for us so we stuck with it. We both enjoy managing money and have slightly different approaches to it. Keeping our own accounts allows us to both feel in control of our financial future – in a way which we are comfortable. We have never once fought about money in 5 years (how many with a joint account can say that?). This maternity-leave situation is more of an intellectual discussion than an argument for us. He already said he’d transfer the money if I wanted him to and I already said that I was fine with not doing it if it bothered him. It’s more of the principle of the situation that I think is important/interesting/worth discussing and I am trying to make peace with in my own mind.

I do think the word “reimburse” has thrown people. I think of it more as shared sacrifice.

So on the topic of what I’m trying to accomplish…I recently read the follow up piece to the “Opt Out Generation” in the NY Times Magazine ” and it seemed to me that what really bothered a lot of these women 10 years down the road (after opting out of high paying professions) was the subtle inequality that crept into their marriages. A few articulated that their time/intellect/talents/opinions started to feel less important when they began to have a significantly lower income than their partner. I also read “Lean In” which warned against stopping taking on new opportunities at work because of childcare responsibilities. My husband took a new, very demanding job which he loves while I was pregnant (no pay bump) and therefore could not take paternity leave. I also have a demanding job but was able to take some leave so I did it. But while I was out on maternity leave I was offered a new opportunity that would be a bump for me but also a significant amount of more work that would take me away from home. My husband was strongly against me taking this new position for this reason which struck me as a bit unfair given his current employment status. In this situation, I don’t want the job because I don’t want to be away from home that much – but what if I did?

I think the crux of my question is how does one maintain equality in a marriage when child-rearing tends to demand (physically, socially, economically) so much more from women?

This is the beginning of opting out. You place a greater value on being in the home than your husband does. He doesn't have to value being at home as highly as you do -- he has you picking up the slack at home. (Isn't that why he was "strongly against .. taking this new position"?) You, on the other hand, have to place a higher value on not being "away from home that much", because you do not have a husband who can be at home when you are not because he has a "new very demanding job which he loves."

On the surface it seems like you are "choosing" this, but underneath, if you think about it, you are "choosing" because your spouse has already made a choice that narrows the range of options you have to choose from.

If you are interested in equitable child-raising, then you really need to have an explicit conversation with him about how much direct supervision of the child by one or both birth parents is necessary and how much each one of you feels comfortable outsourcing to nanny, tutor, housekeeper, daycare, etc. Then based on that, you have to have an explicit system for dealing with professional opportunities (alternating? increasing the outsourcing when both of you have increased work responsibilities at the same time? bringing in other family?)

Yes, there is some biology involved, but no, that doesn't mean that you are always the one who has to do everything. Your husband may not be able to breast-feed, but he can certainly do 50% of all feedings with breast milk that you have pumped (or formula).

A lot of the inequity of child-raising comes from how much women ourselves accept. My favorite Ruth Bader Ginsburg quote is to the school who kept calling only her when there was a problem with one of her children at school -- "This child has two parents. I suggest you start alternating calls." Yes, it is tiresome to keep saying this in all facets of your parenting life, even your spouse. Yes, people will think you are a bitch. But, the alternative is to accept the millions of inequities that our culture shoves at mothers in the name of "biology".

Great post PP. You hit the nail on the head.

So do any one of the pps actually have children?

+1 I would love to have tips on how you keep it so "fair" when you have 3 kids under the age of ten and WOH like me. Please share your tips.

I am not disagreeing, I just do not understand the pint you are agreeing with and/or trying to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the previous poster about striving for overall balance but history shows that child-rearing and the economic/physical/social consequences of it fall more heavily on women. So unless they are vigilant about the inequality and create shared sacrifices when they easily can (like this situation), then how can they ward against that?

They can't. I do much more than my husband. It's worth it anyway.

So because you don't have an equal marriage you think other women should just deal with inequality rather than striving to make things equal? Stop trying to drag the rest of us down to your unequal balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the previous poster about striving for overall balance but history shows that child-rearing and the economic/physical/social consequences of it fall more heavily on women. So unless they are vigilant about the inequality and create shared sacrifices when they easily can (like this situation), then how can they ward against that?

They can't. I do much more than my husband. It's worth it anyway.

So because you don't have an equal marriage you think other women should just deal with inequality rather than striving to make things equal? Stop trying to drag the rest of us down to your unequal balance.

I don't think writing a check can compensate a stay at home parent for everything that parent does in child rearing, homemaking (I don't see that as a dirty term), and in strengthening a relationship. Can I write my partner a bill for a counseling session when I listen to him after he has had a bad day? Can he write me one? What about the time he was there and played nurse after surgery and I was laid up?

Relationships are seldom perfectly equal. I find it alarming that somehow some amount of money can fix this. I just don't see how it does. I know everything my partner has done for me and that he unconditionally loves me and the kids (ok there might be some conditions for me but still). There is no way to put a monetary figure on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I wonder if this isn't so much about money as you being resentful that your husband took a more demanding job while you were pregnant, while you've had to make career sacrifices to become a parent?

I think you've oversimplified the situation. One critical piece of information that went into the decision-making process was the timing. First they as a couple made the decision that the husband/father could take the new lateral position that he loves. The consequence of changing jobs was that he had no leave and was not eligible for FMLA. When the wife/mother's new opportunity came up, he had already changed jobs and they no longer really had the option for her to take this "bump up" job because they as a couple could not make the sacrifices necessary to make it work based on the husband's change of employment. The two situations were not equal. Had they had both opportunitites at the same time or the wife's opportunity came up before the husband's then they would have been able to consider her change of jobs as long as he could take FMLA leave to care for their new child. But that wasn't an option. So she didn't make sacrifices to become a parent, she made sacrifices because of two prior decisions they made as a couple. They were already pregnant and the father had already changed jobs before her opportunity came up and so circumstantially she couldn't accept it. The timing of the various opportunities made the decisions for them on her new job offer.