My ex is engaged to a 24 year old

[Anonymous]

Your example doesnt apply. 10 year difference vs 22 years with someone in their early to mid 20s? OP's husband is old enough to be her father and has been married for as long as his fiance has been alive. 10 years is not really a big deal and can make sense.

Anonymous wrote:Hon,

You have NO idea what happens to spouses in that situation. My father was 10 years older than my mother. For SIX years, she spent close to $1m caring for him at home.

She had in-home care b/c she knew the quality of life in nursing homes SUCKED! In fact, each time he went in for rehab, he ended up in worse condition when he was discharged.

You think you've got it all planned out, but until you're in that spot - day after day, watching someone change diapers and dressing wounds and mashing up foods - you have NO CLUE how draining it is. And then if you opt for the nursing home route, be prepared to fight a battle each day to ensure your loved one is getting the best care.

For now ignorance is bliss, but when reality hits, don't say I didn't warn you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 28 and I feel for the OP. Seriously, that would hurt and piss me off. I only have one friend who digs older men and her dad was barely involved in her life. Why did you divorce?

I know you're not saying all women who marry older men have daddy issues, but even so, I want to provide backup. Like a couple other PPs in this thread, my DH is older than I am- by 16 years. We are happily married, have a child together, and I get along great with my stepchild. I love his family and they love me, and all of my family members love him and stepchild as well. I have a great relationship with my dad! My parents were divorced, but I saw him on holidays and school breaks, during summers, we all went on vacations together, my dad was there for every major event I ever had, we spoke weekly in college... he walked me down the aisle at my wedding. We get together for dinners every couple months now (he lives a few hours away). Sometimes, you just love who you love, and it has nothing to do with your father or your relationship with him.

I will also never understand why people who are not IN the marriages voice such vocal "concern" for the younger spouse who will one day have to care for their spouse when they are older. Will this be sad, if it happens? Of course. It's sad to see anyone you love begin to decline in health and have to nurse them through that. But that is my husband- I love him. I hope he lives to an old age, and if he does, I plan to be right by his side until the end, even if he dies when I'm "young" and in my 60s. Should you be the same age as your spouse and don't envision that happening to you- good for you. But why does it bother you so much to think other people might have to do it, to the point where you will denigrate their marriage? There's far worse things that having the opportunity, in the end, to hold your spouse's hand until the end of their life and prove the temerity of your vows. I hate to think of my spouse dying, but in a way, it will be a gift if I am able to care for him in the end, rather than wasting away by his side at the same time, the both of us useless to one another. I love him enough to marry him despite that possibility. It's a shame all of you think marriages that might one day see that scenario are "less than" your own marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hon,

You have NO idea what happens to spouses in that situation. My father was 10 years older than my mother. For SIX years, she spent close to $1m caring for him at home.

She had in-home care b/c she knew the quality of life in nursing homes SUCKED! In fact, each time he went in for rehab, he ended up in worse condition when he was discharged.

You think you've got it all planned out, but until you're in that spot - day after day, watching someone change diapers and dressing wounds and mashing up foods - you have NO CLUE how draining it is. And then if you opt for the nursing home route, be prepared to fight a battle each day to ensure your loved one is getting the best care.

For now ignorance is bliss, but when reality hits, don't say I didn't warn you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 28 and I feel for the OP. Seriously, that would hurt and piss me off. I only have one friend who digs older men and her dad was barely involved in her life. Why did you divorce?

I know you're not saying all women who marry older men have daddy issues, but even so, I want to provide backup. Like a couple other PPs in this thread, my DH is older than I am- by 16 years. We are happily married, have a child together, and I get along great with my stepchild. I love his family and they love me, and all of my family members love him and stepchild as well. I have a great relationship with my dad! My parents were divorced, but I saw him on holidays and school breaks, during summers, we all went on vacations together, my dad was there for every major event I ever had, we spoke weekly in college... he walked me down the aisle at my wedding. We get together for dinners every couple months now (he lives a few hours away). Sometimes, you just love who you love, and it has nothing to do with your father or your relationship with him.

I will also never understand why people who are not IN the marriages voice such vocal "concern" for the younger spouse who will one day have to care for their spouse when they are older. Will this be sad, if it happens? Of course. It's sad to see anyone you love begin to decline in health and have to nurse them through that. But that is my husband- I love him. I hope he lives to an old age, and if he does, I plan to be right by his side until the end, even if he dies when I'm "young" and in my 60s. Should you be the same age as your spouse and don't envision that happening to you- good for you. But why does it bother you so much to think other people might have to do it, to the point where you will denigrate their marriage? There's far worse things that having the opportunity, in the end, to hold your spouse's hand until the end of their life and prove the temerity of your vows. I hate to think of my spouse dying, but in a way, it will be a gift if I am able to care for him in the end, rather than wasting away by his side at the same time, the both of us useless to one another. I love him enough to marry him despite that possibility. It's a shame all of you think marriages that might one day see that scenario are "less than" your own marriages.

Oh Jesus. And I'm sure if your mother could go back she'd marry someone 10 years younger just so she might have the chance of not going through that again! Of course I realize it's draining- my family has done the same thing your mother did for 2 family members in the past few years. Sat at their bedside, someone, round the clock, battled nurses and doctors for the best care possible, arranged for home care or hospice. Yes it sucks. I do know this. I'm not acting like nursing someone to their death is a parade. But when it came down to it, the possibility of that happening didn't keep me from still considering a marriage with my husband a good decision. People also die young, or die in accidents, or die quick deaths. Not everyone lingers interminably for years. But if he does, I'll deal with it because I love him. And I wasn't going to throw away the possibility of a good 50 years because the last 5 *might* suck.

Well said. It seems to me the the poster with father 10 years older than her mom has more daddy issues, than the ones marrying older men. Not quite sure why it makes her upset that her mother had to take care of her father like that. Some older men are healthier than others, so even when same age couples get to just 70, one could end up taking care of the other. For the most part, people marry each other because of love. Maybe some people don't understand that, or for whatever reason is jaded to the fact that love just happens between the most unlikely couples (age being the factor in this case). Of course taking care of the elderly sucks, but it's part of life. Avoid if you want to, but why knock others for something the may or may not face? Does that poster go around warning nursing home volunteers that they are crazing for making such a sacrifice?

Back the the thread though, I do think that it would have been better if more time had passed since the divorce for the ex to attempt to marry a 24 year old. To be fair to the 24 year old, he shouldn't race into something like this. If only he was thinking more clearly....