Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

The OP could always ask him to change his name and give hers to the child.
Oh wait!

the OP DID ask and she said he was 'uncomfortable' Find another way to blame the woman!

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is as big of a deal. I was indifferent, but when my then fiance told me how important it was me to have his name I took it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After being married for 25 years, my response to all these posts is invariably "Just breakup."
The couples I know who have been really happy for decades had almost no strife while dating. Everything was easy peasy for them, and they were the sort that could work everything out and get along. (The ones exception was a couple that their sole area of disagreement was when to get married...)
If you have small disagreements when dating, you will have large disagreements when married. Everything in marriage is way more stressful. As you get older, you get MORE set in your ways and generally more easily aggravated. You aren't trying to win anyone over, so you just aren't willing to compromise on all the stuff you did when you were dating. The person who was okay going to experimental theater when dating, because they were trying to impress a potential partner, is not going to do that once they've been married a few years. Now string that out to every other compromise that you make while dating. Add onto that kids and it's even worse, because people have a lot of baked in assumptions about how kids should be raised, some of which they don't even realize until they HAVE those kids--OP has sort of tripped over one of those, which is that her BF thinks kids should have the same last names as both their parents, and not a complicated/hyphenated name. That's one thing. There are probably 100 other things about kids that he also has strong views/assumptions about, that he's never thought to express (schooling, sports, holidays, food, family dinner, allowance, vacations, chores, discipline, toy clutter, involvement of his parents in raising the kids...etc etc.)

If you are stumbling over something as simple and stupid as a name, that doesn't bode well for million other decisions you will have to make as a married couple.

When we did pre-cana for a catholic wedding, they made you each complete a survey and then share it. A lot of couples were VERY surprised by the answers, and they were pretty basic questions like how many kids you wanted and who should make decisions about family finances. In retrospect, I think that survey was WAY too short. It should have had a lot more questions, and more specific detail. You negotiate the deal before you sign the paperwork, not after -- couples should get ALL THIS STUFF out on the table while they are dating, as it's easier to resolve it then, or realize where you each aren't willing to compromise.

+1000

If you are struggling with a name, for heavens sake please part ways now. This is basic stuff. You have NO idea the sh%$ that comes with a long term marriage + kids + careers + aging parents, and on and on and on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is as big of a deal. I was indifferent, but when my then fiance told me how important it was me to have his name I took it.

It wasn't important to you, but apparently it WAS important to your husband and many of us who want to keep our name.

[Anonymous]

OP is probably a troll, but I had a coworker ask me that same question.

A coworker who had been married and divorced twice and changed her name each time. Each of her kids had a different last name from her.

So I told her it wouldn't be any problem for my potential kids to have my dhs last name and for me to keep mone, because most of the kids in the class would be from broken homes like hers. She shut up and never asked me about it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After being married for 25 years, my response to all these posts is invariably "Just breakup."
The couples I know who have been really happy for decades had almost no strife while dating. Everything was easy peasy for them, and they were the sort that could work everything out and get along. (The ones exception was a couple that their sole area of disagreement was when to get married...)
If you have small disagreements when dating, you will have large disagreements when married. Everything in marriage is way more stressful. As you get older, you get MORE set in your ways and generally more easily aggravated. You aren't trying to win anyone over, so you just aren't willing to compromise on all the stuff you did when you were dating. The person who was okay going to experimental theater when dating, because they were trying to impress a potential partner, is not going to do that once they've been married a few years. Now string that out to every other compromise that you make while dating. Add onto that kids and it's even worse, because people have a lot of baked in assumptions about how kids should be raised, some of which they don't even realize until they HAVE those kids--OP has sort of tripped over one of those, which is that her BF thinks kids should have the same last names as both their parents, and not a complicated/hyphenated name. That's one thing. There are probably 100 other things about kids that he also has strong views/assumptions about, that he's never thought to express (schooling, sports, holidays, food, family dinner, allowance, vacations, chores, discipline, toy clutter, involvement of his parents in raising the kids...etc etc.)

If you are stumbling over something as simple and stupid as a name, that doesn't bode well for million other decisions you will have to make as a married couple.

When we did pre-cana for a catholic wedding, they made you each complete a survey and then share it. A lot of couples were VERY surprised by the answers, and they were pretty basic questions like how many kids you wanted and who should make decisions about family finances. In retrospect, I think that survey was WAY too short. It should have had a lot more questions, and more specific detail. You negotiate the deal before you sign the paperwork, not after -- couples should get ALL THIS STUFF out on the table while they are dating, as it's easier to resolve it then, or realize where you each aren't willing to compromise.

+1000

If you are struggling with a name, for heavens sake please part ways now. This is basic stuff. You have NO idea the sh%$ that comes with a long term marriage + kids + careers + aging parents, and on and on and on.

Way to completely miss the point. All of those things will be infinitely harder with a partner who is a rigid misogynist.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I had this issue. We ended up with our kids doing a double-barreled surname, but it wasn't his preference and he was caught up on some of the logistics that didn't matter to me (what if they marry someone else w/ a double barrel, etc). I ultimately said we could flip a coin to determine their last name, but I objected to assuming it would be his. (We both agreed we wanted all of the kids to have the same last name, so no alternating for us.) He thought about it and actually seemed OK with it, but his parents were horrified and thought double-barreled was clearly preferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a same sex couple?

OP.
Nope. I'm a woman and he's a man.

My wife stayed with her last name. My kids have my last name. No issues at all.

Because the kids have YOUR last name! That's why there isn't any issues. Did you even consider having the kids have her last name? Probably not

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is as big of a deal. I was indifferent to my last name, but when my then fiance told me how important it was me to have his name so I took it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After being married for 25 years, my response to all these posts is invariably "Just breakup."
The couples I know who have been really happy for decades had almost no strife while dating. Everything was easy peasy for them, and they were the sort that could work everything out and get along. (The ones exception was a couple that their sole area of disagreement was when to get married...)
If you have small disagreements when dating, you will have large disagreements when married. Everything in marriage is way more stressful. As you get older, you get MORE set in your ways and generally more easily aggravated. You aren't trying to win anyone over, so you just aren't willing to compromise on all the stuff you did when you were dating. The person who was okay going to experimental theater when dating, because they were trying to impress a potential partner, is not going to do that once they've been married a few years. Now string that out to every other compromise that you make while dating. Add onto that kids and it's even worse, because people have a lot of baked in assumptions about how kids should be raised, some of which they don't even realize until they HAVE those kids--OP has sort of tripped over one of those, which is that her BF thinks kids should have the same last names as both their parents, and not a complicated/hyphenated name. That's one thing. There are probably 100 other things about kids that he also has strong views/assumptions about, that he's never thought to express (schooling, sports, holidays, food, family dinner, allowance, vacations, chores, discipline, toy clutter, involvement of his parents in raising the kids...etc etc.)

If you are stumbling over something as simple and stupid as a name, that doesn't bode well for million other decisions you will have to make as a married couple.

When we did pre-cana for a catholic wedding, they made you each complete a survey and then share it. A lot of couples were VERY surprised by the answers, and they were pretty basic questions like how many kids you wanted and who should make decisions about family finances. In retrospect, I think that survey was WAY too short. It should have had a lot more questions, and more specific detail. You negotiate the deal before you sign the paperwork, not after -- couples should get ALL THIS STUFF out on the table while they are dating, as it's easier to resolve it then, or realize where you each aren't willing to compromise.

Very true.

My disagreement with DH before marriage was that he hadn’t quit smoking yet although he was down to just a few cigarettes a day. That conflict carried into marriage but eventually he did quit. It doesn’t bode well if you are fighting about things like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

I already told him that and he didn't like it. He found the proposal offensive.

Red flag. Not someone I would marry.

I kept my name and don't see this a red flag on his part, unless you also consider it a red flag on OP's.

It's one thing for each partner to keep their birth names, it's another for one partner to demand that they use their ln for hypothetical kids or make up a new name. That's an ultimatum, not really a discussion. What would you say if the roles were reversed?

Actually, it’s the husband who is doing the demanding and giving an ultimatum. The default in the hospital when the spouses have different last names is that the new baby is called by mom’s name “Baby Smith”. If they want something different on the birth certificate then they need to specify that.

This is such a reach. There was no angst at either hospital when naming my two children, who have different last names from me.

I hate these flimsy arguments. OP just needs to have an actual conversation to express her feelings on the matter. Her ultimatum was: kids shall not have your name and I'm not discussing it. That may very well be her opinion, but don't expect anyone to react well to that -- no matter the topic.

This explains why posters here are having a hard time with any situation that isn't the traditional woman-takes-husband's name. Many of them barely know how to read.

DH was a bit taken aback when I told him that I wanted to keep my name. I was gentle, yet firm, about it because I loved him. I gave him a moment to come around and didn't browbeat him as a way to solve for my own discomfort in disappointing him.

These things happen in a marriage. If you want to make a go of it, conversation and empathy go a long way. A couple of weeks later it was a non-issue and now nearly 30 years later...

OP's boyfriend wasn't "a bit taken aback".

She said he "assumed." Which is exactly how my DH was in the moment, he assumed.

I can guarantee OP and I went about it differently. I didn't think my DH was an @sshole or anti-women, which is what OP just suddenly assumes.

They both made assumptions and now they're both offended. I agree that based on their communication style, their marriage will likely fail.

And then she offered to hyphenate the child. He said no. He wanted her to have his name fir the sake of a family unit, so she offered him to take his name and he got offended. Do you know how to read?

You and OP are so dramatic. Look how that turned out for OP, offended herself and making assumptions, exactly now is exactly the same position as her BF.

The sad thing is if OP would had better communication skills and would have been the tiniest bit empathetic, she might have been able to win over a man to overlook a traditional convention. Which might have even emboldened him to examine his other beliefs about the patriarchy.

Instead, we have a thread of women digging in their heels on both sides, which doesn't win over anyone.

We don't need a flimsy excuse to justify either position -- if you want to change your name, you need no other reason. No, it's not harder at the hospital. Likewise, if you don't want to change your name, you need no other reason. No, teachers won't be befuddled.

This thread is a macro expression of her micro experience.

[Anonymous]

No one wants a hyphen last name which is longer than a first. I have to deal with this with new hires I just tell them give me your first middle and last in these fields it's really annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is as big of a deal. I was indifferent to my last name, but when my then fiance told me how important it was me to have his name so I took it.

Of course it's not a big deal. You're the woman, you're just expected to roll with it. Had you been a man you'd be singing a different tune.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

I already told him that and he didn't like it. He found the proposal offensive.

Red flag. Not someone I would marry.

I kept my name and don't see this a red flag on his part, unless you also consider it a red flag on OP's.

It's one thing for each partner to keep their birth names, it's another for one partner to demand that they use their ln for hypothetical kids or make up a new name. That's an ultimatum, not really a discussion. What would you say if the roles were reversed?

Actually, it’s the husband who is doing the demanding and giving an ultimatum. The default in the hospital when the spouses have different last names is that the new baby is called by mom’s name “Baby Smith”. If they want something different on the birth certificate then they need to specify that.

This is such a reach. There was no angst at either hospital when naming my two children, who have different last names from me.

I hate these flimsy arguments. OP just needs to have an actual conversation to express her feelings on the matter. Her ultimatum was: kids shall not have your name and I'm not discussing it. That may very well be her opinion, but don't expect anyone to react well to that -- no matter the topic.

This explains why posters here are having a hard time with any situation that isn't the traditional woman-takes-husband's name. Many of them barely know how to read.

DH was a bit taken aback when I told him that I wanted to keep my name. I was gentle, yet firm, about it because I loved him. I gave him a moment to come around and didn't browbeat him as a way to solve for my own discomfort in disappointing him.

These things happen in a marriage. If you want to make a go of it, conversation and empathy go a long way. A couple of weeks later it was a non-issue and now nearly 30 years later...

OP's boyfriend wasn't "a bit taken aback".

She said he "assumed." Which is exactly how my DH was in the moment, he assumed.

I can guarantee OP and I went about it differently. I didn't think my DH was an @sshole or anti-women, which is what OP just suddenly assumes.

They both made assumptions and now they're both offended. I agree that based on their communication style, their marriage will likely fail.

And then she offered to hyphenate the child. He said no. He wanted her to have his name fir the sake of a family unit, so she offered him to take his name and he got offended. Do you know how to read?

You and OP are so dramatic. Look how that turned out for OP, offended herself and making assumptions, exactly now is exactly the same position as her BF.

The sad thing is if OP would had better communication skills and would have been the tiniest bit empathetic, she might have been able to win over a man to overlook a traditional convention. Which might have even emboldened him to examine his other beliefs about the patriarchy.

Instead, we have a thread of women digging in their heels on both sides, which doesn't win over anyone.

We don't need a flimsy excuse to justify either position -- if you want to change your name, you need no other reason. No, it's not harder at the hospital. Likewise, if you don't want to change your name, you need no other reason. No, teachers won't be befuddled.

This thread is a macro expression of her micro experience.

Ah yes, beautifully said. If only she were softer and explained it to him like he was a toddler, he wouldn't be such a raging asshoie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one wants a hyphen last name which is longer than a first. I have to deal with this with new hires I just tell them give me your first middle and last in these fields it's really annoying.

Simpletons like you have a very hard time in life. You're not wrong about that. My sympathies.