Reply to Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

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Reply to "Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it."

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]After being married for 25 years, my response to all these posts is invariably "Just breakup."  
The couples I know who have been really happy for decades had almost no strife while dating.  Everything was easy peasy for them, and they were the sort that could work everything out and get along.  (The ones exception was a couple that their sole area of disagreement was when to get married...)  
If you have small disagreements when dating, you will have large disagreements when married.  Everything in marriage is way more stressful.  As you get older, you get MORE set in your ways and generally more easily aggravated.  You aren't trying to win anyone over, so you just aren't willing to compromise on all the stuff you did when you were dating.  The person who was okay going to experimental theater when dating, because they were trying to impress a potential partner, is not going to do that once they've been married a few years.  Now string that out to every other compromise that you make while dating.  Add onto that kids and it's even worse, because people have a lot of baked in assumptions about how kids should be raised, some of which they don't even realize until they HAVE those kids--OP has sort of tripped over one of those, which is that her BF thinks kids should have the same last names as both their parents, and not a complicated/hyphenated name.  That's one thing.  There are probably 100 other things about kids that he also has strong views/assumptions about, that he's never thought to express (schooling, sports, holidays, food, family dinner, allowance, vacations, chores, discipline,  toy clutter, involvement of his parents in raising the kids...etc etc.)

If you are stumbling over something as simple and stupid as a name, that doesn't bode well for million other decisions you will have to make as a married couple.

When we did pre-cana for a catholic wedding, they made you each complete a survey and then share it.  A lot of couples were VERY surprised by the answers, and they were pretty basic questions like how many kids you wanted and who should make decisions about family finances.  In retrospect, I think that survey was WAY too short.  It should have had a lot more questions, and more specific detail.  You negotiate the deal before you sign the paperwork, not after -- couples should get ALL THIS STUFF out on the table while they are dating, as it's easier to resolve it then, or realize where you each aren't willing to compromise.[/quote]

+1000

If you are struggling with a name, for heavens sake please part ways now. This is basic stuff. You have NO idea the sh%$ that comes with a long term marriage + kids + careers + aging parents, and on and on and on. [/quote]

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