Blindsided

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you think this happens?

I caught up with a grad school friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 4 years. Married, 52, three daughters 12, 14, 17, lawyer. Husband is a lawyer too. No abuse, cheating , drugs or excessive alcohol according to her. Just a ho hum, one foot in front of the other marriage.

Husband came home from work one day last February and said:

"I'm done. I'm in love with a colleague (17 years younger) and I want a drama and trauma free divorce. Please don't make this messy for the girls. Please lets just end this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen but I don't love you anymore."

It actually made me tear up typing this out because it's just so.... sad. She is a great person- so kind, funny, pretty and now she is.... in deep, deep depression.

I had a male colleague who did this to his wife. Oddly, his affair partner wasn't significantly younger, just really "physically exciting." His words, not mine.

I'd say it was a classic midlife crisis combined with the fact he's probably somewhere on the autism spectrum and genuinely didn't seem to understand that blowing up his marriage would irrepreprably harm his relationship with his 3 kids (they were early to late teens at the time), his financial security (his first wife was a high earning professional who earned as much as he did, his affair partner shopped all the time and expected him to pay her credit card bills), and make things sort of awkward with a lot of his work colleagues who were very uncomfortable with the flamboyant nature of his new relationship.

(Oh yes, it also damaged his relationship with his own parents because he opted to bring his affair partner to his parents' traditional post Christmas family snow country get away. People were storming out of the house and walking away into the woods.)

A couple of years later I can say his ex wife does seem to be living her best life, kids seem focused on being more stable than dad. It was a traumatic disaster. But most of the innocent parties emerged ok after about 3 years of endless drama.

Seen this with unemotional, self-centered aspie men. The ones who hyper focus on their jobs. They have little understanding of people so think nothing of doing whatever they want.

Drop their wife and kids like a hat when someone pays them a ton of attention and flattering. It’s like they never existed.

Sounds like the above one got fully out of the picture after a bit, which is good for the kids and everyone.

[Anonymous]

Op, if you’re in the area, I think I know who you’re talking about. You didn’t do such a good job with changing the details. I would ask for this thread to be deleted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely think a lot of middle-aged men wildly underestimate how embarrassing it looks to blow up a multi-decade family.

You are not just leaving a wife. You are permanently altering your children’s lives.

You are splitting holidays. Creating two homes. Reducing stability. Weakening trust. Changing the emotional texture of childhood itself. Your kids now have to adapt to transitions, divided traditions, logistical stress, and the grief of watching their family fracture.

And for what, exactly? Validation? Excitement? Novelty? Escape from responsibility? A fantasy that a different woman or different life will fix something internal?

Also, it just looks bad…

A man abandoning a long-term partner and destabilizing his family in midlife rarely comes across as profound or evolved. Most of the time it reads as cliché. Like someone chasing self-reinvention at the expense of the people who built a life with him. Gross.

Correct.

But they don’t care. And they certainly do not think ahead like that. That’s women’s work!

They are not mature, so do whatever makes their life easier. Not having a house, yard, kids and live in spouse to answer to is the easy way out, especially for failures.

You think they’re going to work on being a better adult or father?? No. They formally quit. Easy peasy. For them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many men who do this have mental health issues, a personality disorder, trauma, adhd, autism.

Sometimes it’s just a sign of poor character, but I think more typically there’s a mental health issue underlying it.

She’s better off.

It’s both. Not managing their mental disorders or symptoms, and layering on their home-cooked maladaptive copes. Quit, defect, lie, blame, argue, attack. But never resolve conflicts or communicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many men who do this have mental health issues, a personality disorder, trauma, adhd, autism.

Sometimes it’s just a sign of poor character, but I think more typically there’s a mental health issue underlying it.

She’s better off.

Yes those types are very difficult to live with.

But she still might be coparenting and dividing up adult kid time indefinitely with someone irrational.

Very likely he estranges himself or just does extravagant Disney dad vacations/ throws money at them = “love.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely think a lot of middle-aged men wildly underestimate how embarrassing it looks to blow up a multi-decade family.

You are not just leaving a wife. You are permanently altering your children’s lives.

You are splitting holidays. Creating two homes. Reducing stability. Weakening trust. Changing the emotional texture of childhood itself. Your kids now have to adapt to transitions, divided traditions, logistical stress, and the grief of watching their family fracture.

And for what, exactly? Validation? Excitement? Novelty? Escape from responsibility? A fantasy that a different woman or different life will fix something internal?

Also, it just looks bad…

A man abandoning a long-term partner and destabilizing his family in midlife rarely comes across as profound or evolved. Most of the time it reads as cliché. Like someone chasing self-reinvention at the expense of the people who built a life with him. Gross.

It's never as cut and dry as people make it out to be.

My close male friend in his 50s left his wife in a similar way to OP's but even though everyone might think they were doing great all these years they weren't. I don't think he was a perfect husband but she was constantly belittling him and created a lot of drama.

The coworker he left her for is about 7 years younger so not that big of a difference, but she's also a really nice person who is calm and even. She is really pretty too and smart, but I truly think it was more about the fact that she's not the type of person to fly off the handle all the time and say cruel things to him like his wife did sometimes.

As long as they don’t have kids or need to rely on him for anything real, it’s just bachelor days dating. Which isn’t as big of a character test as raising children and managing a household, schedule, holidays, activities, development together.

So it’s about the fact that he has a simple life now, as he failed at and divorced himself from his previous more significant responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely think a lot of middle-aged men wildly underestimate how embarrassing it looks to blow up a multi-decade family.

You are not just leaving a wife. You are permanently altering your children’s lives.

You are splitting holidays. Creating two homes. Reducing stability. Weakening trust. Changing the emotional texture of childhood itself. Your kids now have to adapt to transitions, divided traditions, logistical stress, and the grief of watching their family fracture.

And for what, exactly? Validation? Excitement? Novelty? Escape from responsibility? A fantasy that a different woman or different life will fix something internal?

Also, it just looks bad…

A man abandoning a long-term partner and destabilizing his family in midlife rarely comes across as profound or evolved. Most of the time it reads as cliché. Like someone chasing self-reinvention at the expense of the people who built a life with him. Gross.

It's never as cut and dry as people make it out to be. My close male friend in his 50s left his wife in a similar way to OP's but even though everyone might think they were doing great all these years they weren't. I don't think he was a perfect husband but she was constantly belittling him and created a lot of drama. The coworker he left her for is about 7 years younger so not that big of a difference, but she's also a really nice person who is calm and even. She is really pretty too and smart, but I truly think it was more about the fact that she's not the type of person to fly off the handle all the time and say cruel things to him like his wife did sometimes.

Belittled him how?

At work?

Or are you calling it belittling when your roommate tells you to pick up after yourself, or be on time, or don’t forget to do things you agreed to do, or don’t break the XYZ again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can happen anytime. Marriage takes two people to start and only one person to end it. I had a dark laugh at the DH asking not to make it a fuss for their DDs. Mine said he wanted a collaborative divorce and to work together on it in the same email in which he announced that he had already filed but didn’t know when or how I would be served.

In my experience they’ll say anything and everything to create a narrative that sidesteps their responsibility for their own decision.

My takeaway from the stories I’ve heard from others is that any man can and might do this at any time. The only thing you can do to protect yourself as a woman is pre-nup, post-nup, and never agree to move away from a city where your career can thrive and/or where you will always be near family and friends.

Yes and yes.

[Anonymous]

Divorce = Quitting on your family.

In many cases the husband had already Opted Out of many family matters, despite many trying to get him involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is much much more common that he has an affair and does not leave. IME it's pretty uncommon that he actually up and leaves.

Naive “men” do this. He likely doesn’t know he’s going to get 50% custody, then walk that back. Or have to do something with the kids. He likely doesn’t know divorces take 6-24 mos in average, and can be very $$$ costly if you don’t mediate.

My friend’s husband, who was a work addict and couldn’t deal with family life, thought you could get divorced in one week!

Mine thought this too! I think he thought he could just click “me want divorce” and go back to his emails and slides.

When that didn’t happen he started to get energy from litigation and conflict. I think he’s been egged on by an attorney who’s taking advantage of his naivete. He’s easily spent $200k in legal fees and we have no progress to show for it. It’s possible he doesn’t understand the concept of billable hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely think a lot of middle-aged men wildly underestimate how embarrassing it looks to blow up a multi-decade family.

You are not just leaving a wife. You are permanently altering your children’s lives.

You are splitting holidays. Creating two homes. Reducing stability. Weakening trust. Changing the emotional texture of childhood itself. Your kids now have to adapt to transitions, divided traditions, logistical stress, and the grief of watching their family fracture.

And for what, exactly? Validation? Excitement? Novelty? Escape from responsibility? A fantasy that a different woman or different life will fix something internal?

Also, it just looks bad…

A man abandoning a long-term partner and destabilizing his family in midlife rarely comes across as profound or evolved. Most of the time it reads as cliché. Like someone chasing self-reinvention at the expense of the people who built a life with him. Gross.

It's never as cut and dry as people make it out to be. My close male friend in his 50s left his wife in a similar way to OP's but even though everyone might think they were doing great all these years they weren't. I don't think he was a perfect husband but she was constantly belittling him and created a lot of drama. The coworker he left her for is about 7 years younger so not that big of a difference, but she's also a really nice person who is calm and even. She is really pretty too and smart, but I truly think it was more about the fact that she's not the type of person to fly off the handle all the time and say cruel things to him like his wife did sometimes.

Belittled him how?

At work?

Or are you calling it belittling when your roommate tells you to pick up after yourself, or be on time, or don’t forget to do things you agreed to do, or don’t break the XYZ again?

What my STBX has told his handful of friends and his colleagues has no relationship to reality. I would be skeptical of whatever you hear from a divorced man, even if they’re your bff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The marriage was at best on cruise control. Two big careers, three daughters and he may have felt like the odd man out. Daily he’s with a late 30s woman likely smart and attractive and he begins to see a happier path. Did your friend put all of her attention on her job and daughters?

At the risk of drawing ire- so much this.

Men are simple creatures. There is simply no way she didn't see her husband was unhappy with a 'ho hum' marriage. Did she try to keep him close, happy and loved? Or did she just let him drift away to another woman who was eager to sleep with him, see him smile, listen to his thoughts....

Stop the bullshit
Marriage is a commitment every day
Love is a choice not a feeling.
Stop trying to blame the woman for the man’s failings and indiscretions.

Stop the BS.
Love cannot be made to order. Love is not a choice.
The choice you can make is follow your heart and go for what you love and be happy, or suppress your feelings and be miserable.

Me, me, me, me, meeeeeee……….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The marriage was at best on cruise control. Two big careers, three daughters and he may have felt like the odd man out. Daily he’s with a late 30s woman likely smart and attractive and he begins to see a happier path. Did your friend put all of her attention on her job and daughters?

At the risk of drawing ire- so much this.

Men are simple creatures. There is simply no way she didn't see her husband was unhappy with a 'ho hum' marriage. Did she try to keep him close, happy and loved? Or did she just let him drift away to another woman who was eager to sleep with him, see him smile, listen to his thoughts....

Stop the bullshit
Marriage is a commitment every day
Love is a choice not a feeling.
Stop trying to blame the woman for the man’s failings and indiscretions.

Stop the BS.
Love cannot be made to order. Love is not a choice.
The choice you can make is follow your heart and go for what you love and be happy, or suppress your feelings and be miserable.

What are you, Woody Allen? “The heart wants what it wants”?
Would it be possible for you to wait for your children to grow to adulthood before you follow your heart? Or is that just too much to ask?
Enjoy traumatizing your children.
And no, I don’t think anyone’s childhood was unhappy because their father was “miserable” because he didn’t find his wife as sexy as someone else. No kid ever noticed or cared about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you think this happens?

I caught up with a grad school friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 4 years. Married, 52, three daughters 12, 14, 17, lawyer. Husband is a lawyer too. No abuse, cheating , drugs or excessive alcohol according to her. Just a ho hum, one foot in front of the other marriage.

Husband came home from work one day last February and said:

"I'm done. I'm in love with a colleague (17 years younger) and I want a drama and trauma free divorce. Please don't make this messy for the girls. Please lets just end this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen but I don't love you anymore."

It actually made me tear up typing this out because it's just so.... sad. She is a great person- so kind, funny, pretty and now she is.... in deep, deep depression.

I mean, that doesn't sound like a great marriage to me. Clearly there were cracks.

I know someone whose husband did the same thing but after the initial shock wore off I realized I wasn't actually that surprised - their marriage wasn't that great.

I'm sorry for your friend, that sounds awful, but if I had to list the people I'd expect something like this to happen to, it's all the ones where their marriages aren't very strong. Now, if it happened to some of my friends I would be jaw-on-the-floor shocked. But others? Sad, of course, but not all that surprised.

I think only a minority of people have GREAT marriages. Do you disagree PP?

DP. I made this observation to my friend recently. I think our current exposure to so much information is making people increasingly unsatisfied with marriages that would have been fine in any other point in human history.

I am single, and a senior citizen.

Over my lifetime it was far more common for me to leave a married couple grateful for my unmarried status, than it was for me to come away thinking how lucky a wife was to have the man she had married.

Because of how YOU felt about the man or because of how SHE felt? I couldn't care less if you don't want to be married to my husband, but I am happily so. Maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, but while some of my friends are married to men I wouldn't want to be married to, very few of them make me wish I were single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely think a lot of middle-aged men wildly underestimate how embarrassing it looks to blow up a multi-decade family.

You are not just leaving a wife. You are permanently altering your children’s lives.

You are splitting holidays. Creating two homes. Reducing stability. Weakening trust. Changing the emotional texture of childhood itself. Your kids now have to adapt to transitions, divided traditions, logistical stress, and the grief of watching their family fracture.

And for what, exactly? Validation? Excitement? Novelty? Escape from responsibility? A fantasy that a different woman or different life will fix something internal?

Also, it just looks bad…

A man abandoning a long-term partner and destabilizing his family in midlife rarely comes across as profound or evolved. Most of the time it reads as cliché. Like someone chasing self-reinvention at the expense of the people who built a life with him. Gross.

It's never as cut and dry as people make it out to be. My close male friend in his 50s left his wife in a similar way to OP's but even though everyone might think they were doing great all these years they weren't. I don't think he was a perfect husband but she was constantly belittling him and created a lot of drama. The coworker he left her for is about 7 years younger so not that big of a difference, but she's also a really nice person who is calm and even. She is really pretty too and smart, but I truly think it was more about the fact that she's not the type of person to fly off the handle all the time and say cruel things to him like his wife did sometimes.

Belittled him how?

At work?

Or are you calling it belittling when your roommate tells you to pick up after yourself, or be on time, or don’t forget to do things you agreed to do, or don’t break the XYZ again?

What my STBX has told his handful of friends and his colleagues has no relationship to reality. I would be skeptical of whatever you hear from a divorced man, even if they’re your bff.

The mental case narcs always rewrite the narrative to be the victim.

Initially they’ll say some lame cliche like: we drifted apart, or I worked too much, or she was so difficult to talk with (as if he could even follow a family conversation).