Girlfriend Says My Kids Are Mean

[Anonymous]

At their ages, you cannot force them to like your girlfriend however you can tell them that they need to show her a certain amount of respect.

This should be a given for all others - especially other adults.

I would have a serious talk w/your daughters ➕ let them know that you will not accept them rolling their eyes or saying mean things about your girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to assume the new girlfriend is young because OP has avoided answering that question. Plus, she pushes to see the kids but then complains and says she needs a break because she can’t handle it ? Sounds very immature.

She’s in her early 30s, last one was late 20s, others ranged around there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Your girlfriend is not asking to be crowned queen of the castle. She’s just asking not to feel like the villain every time she walks in the room. That’s reasonable. Nobody signs up to feel unwelcome in the home of the person they love.

At the same time, teens will be teens so they may not even realize what they're doing (except I'm sure they do, at least on some level). So here's the move...

You don’t punish.
You don’t lecture.
You don’t make it a courtroom.
You just get real clear.

Something like:
“Hey, I get that this situation’s weird and you don’t have to love it. You don’t have to love her. But you do have to be respectful. That’s the price of entry in this house.”

Your daughters love you and they want you to be happy and they'll understand why this is important to you.

Totally agree with this.

I assume you’re divorced op? How long has it been?

Its been 8 years

And how many girl friends have your 17 and 18yo met?

She’s only the second one they’ve met, didn’t feel the need to introduce them to others.

Why did you feel the need to introduce this one or the one before?

I felt it was time, and could see a future. She’s only the fourth girlfriend.

Well now you know there is no future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wonder how OPs kids treat their moms new man

She’s in a LTR, and they seem to get along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to assume the new girlfriend is young because OP has avoided answering that question. Plus, she pushes to see the kids but then complains and says she needs a break because she can’t handle it ? Sounds very immature.

She’s in her early 30s, last one was late 20s, others ranged around there.

Well, that's why. You shouldn't be expecting your daughters to tolerate an age gap relationship. It's going to make them uncomfortable. And yes your GF is going to want a baby. That's why she's pushing you to sh*t or get off the pot, parenting-wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to assume the new girlfriend is young because OP has avoided answering that question. Plus, she pushes to see the kids but then complains and says she needs a break because she can’t handle it ? Sounds very immature.

She’s in her early 30s, last one was late 20s, others ranged around there.

Well, that's why. You shouldn't be expecting your daughters to tolerate an age gap relationship. It's going to make them uncomfortable. And yes your GF is going to want a baby. That's why she's pushing you to sh*t or get off the pot, parenting-wise.

I’m not that old, mid 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your girlfriend is not asking to be crowned queen of the castle. She’s just asking not to feel like the villain every time she walks in the room. That’s reasonable. Nobody signs up to feel unwelcome in the home of the person they love.

At the same time, teens will be teens so they may not even realize what they're doing (except I'm sure they do, at least on some level). So here's the move...

You don’t punish.
You don’t lecture.
You don’t make it a courtroom.
You just get real clear.

Something like:
“Hey, I get that this situation’s weird and you don’t have to love it. You don’t have to love her. But you do have to be respectful. That’s the price of entry in this house.”

Your daughters love you and they want you to be happy and they'll understand why this is important to you.

Totally agree with this.

I assume you’re divorced op? How long has it been?

Its been 8 years

And how many girl friends have your 17 and 18yo met?

She’s only the second one they’ve met, didn’t feel the need to introduce them to others.

Why did you feel the need to introduce this one or the one before?

I felt it was time, and could see a future. She’s only the fourth girlfriend.

“Only the fourth” actual girlfriend within 8 years of divorce? Have you ever been single? No wonder your kids have zero interest in meeting your girlfriend of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:a lot of you are projecting a ton with no info from OP. But this is DCUM.

The only info I'd like from OP is why does his girlfriend want to spend time with the daughters? What's in it for her?

we have no information that the GF actually does want to spend time with the daughters. we don't know if the GF spends anything but cursory time with the 17 and 18-year old kids. who knows.

At 16:08, OP said "She’s barely around them, like every couples weeks, all pushed by her."

Why would she be pushing for time with the daughters? What is in it for her?

in my mind it would be weirder if she didn't actually want to get to know her BF's (nearly adult/adult) kids. I get that it would be different if they were very young. It's weird to me that the OP seems cool with having the GF not be part of his life. I guess that's the kind of relationship he wants.

It sounds like he wants a f*ckbuddy and she wants a full relationship potentially leading to marriage. And she's pushing him too see what he'll choose.

if she is going to do this with kids then she is not even worth as FWB. dump her, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to assume the new girlfriend is young because OP has avoided answering that question. Plus, she pushes to see the kids but then complains and says she needs a break because she can’t handle it ? Sounds very immature.

She’s in her early 30s, last one was late 20s, others ranged around there.

Well, that's why. You shouldn't be expecting your daughters to tolerate an age gap relationship. It's going to make them uncomfortable. And yes your GF is going to want a baby. That's why she's pushing you to sh*t or get off the pot, parenting-wise.

I’m not that old, mid 40s.

So like 12, 13-year age gap? Yes that's a lot. And the age gap between your daughters and your girlfriend is too small and that's likely uncomfortable for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say you were an adult with an adult roommate, and your roommate really disliked your girlfriend. But your girlfriend really really wanted to come into your home and spend time with your roommate. Not just you, your roommate. Would you continue to facilitate this despite your roommate's obvious resistance? Think about it before you play the adult age card.

A roommate would be paying rent.

If you really want to play it that way, there goes the relationship with your kids. Enjoy your girlfriend!

I’m not the OP you overreactive weirdo.

OP is an adult along with one of his kids. It’s fine that he’s dating 8 years post divorce. His daughters and you need to learn some manners.

[Anonymous]

My kids do not like their stepmom. It is a function of her behavior toward them. She actively discourages their dad’s time with them - he dropped some visitation when they got married and the kids were very hurt by that. When the kids visit she has often arranged some adult couples visit with friends and the kids get dragged along but ignored or left at home alone. When he married her they bought a very expensive 2 br-1office condo, and the kids were old enough to understand that their dad and his wife could have chosen to use the same amount of money to buy a 3 br house and include the kids in the family.

The irony is that he accepted diminishing his relationship with his own kids and about 10 years later, she divorced him (after acquiring citizenship through him and a wife’s social security portion. So now he has no wife and not a great relationship with the kids.

Ask yourself if your girlfriend is truly welcoming to the kids, and whether she is boxing them out of their relationship with you or whether you are sending the message that you value her more than your kids. Also, is she very much younger than you - young females today in the post-me too era are much less tolerant of large age or power differences in relationships - it smacks of grooming and narcissism.

[Anonymous]

My 17-year-old daughter is always polite to the people she meets through me. They don't have to like her but they should at least be polite.

My daughter actively hopes that her dad will find someone, since he might be less grumpy if he had a girlfriend. Are your daughters maybe feeling like they need to side with their mom?

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just see your girlfriend when you don't have your daughters? If you only see them 50% of the time this should be easy to do. Any mature woman would know this a difficult age for teen girls. Your daughters should be number one until they're in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a super functional 48 year old who still has a pretty perfect marriage of 25 years, super healthy relationship, happy relationship with my parents, exceptionally successful and fruitful career....

and yes, i gave astounding amounts of attitude to my parents as an 18 year old, just for regular parent stuff. And we had a pretty healthy stable home. So yeah, if i was mad at my parents for blowing up our entire stable home, and on top of that they started bringing home SOs and expected me to deal with it..... you can bet I would have been horrific. Kids who just

Point being that the behavior described by OP is both objectively terrible and rude, and also completely developmentally normal. I dont understand why adults can't just not date for 8 years. It just seems like the natural consequences of the divorce. Sometimes grownups don't get to do everything they want to do.

It’s normal for children to give their parents sh*t. It’s very poor and abnormal behavior when kids give other adults shit.

But gf is auditioning for the step-mom role. It's parent adjacent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say you were an adult with an adult roommate, and your roommate really disliked your girlfriend. But your girlfriend really really wanted to come into your home and spend time with your roommate. Not just you, your roommate. Would you continue to facilitate this despite your roommate's obvious resistance? Think about it before you play the adult age card.

A roommate would be paying rent.

If you really want to play it that way, there goes the relationship with your kids. Enjoy your girlfriend!

I’m not the OP you overreactive weirdo.

OP is an adult along with one of his kids. It’s fine that he’s dating 8 years post divorce. His daughters and you need to learn some manners.

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