Explain why this is a Boomer thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. My mom didn't have any help, her parents and in-laws were in a whole different country. I don't expect her to help me either. You sound like a brat.

Same here. My parents are 2500 miles away and I’m a single mom. I get zero help.

Instead I built a circle of friends who help watch my kids. But, what people hate is you have to reciprocate and watch their kids as well. Right now we’re watching a couple kids all weekend because mom had a last minute work trip.

Sadly people don’t want reciprocal relationships, they just want to take without giving in return.

IME this doesn't work because people have such wildly different ideas of what an emergency is. To my spouse and I, an emergency is illness, a house or car crisis -- situations where a family has no options that would get everyone's needs met. So like baby has to go to the ER, so the older kids spend the night when the us so parents can both be there. Or dad has to go help take care of an ailing parent, so we help Mom with pick up and drop off while she's solo parenting.

But what happens is that people expand the idea of emergency to include things like "we got tickets to a concert but our regular sitters aren't available" or "o got a promotion at work but it means I can't take DD to ballet on Thursdays, but you could take her .." Those aren't emergencies, they are people abusing my kindness.

We therefore have a small network of people we might lean on in an emergency, that includes only people who have the same idea of what that means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:70 million people behave the same way?

They don't. It's just the usual malcontents from dysfunctional homes who think their norm is everyone's norm.

There is an argument that Boomers, being born in the post-WWII baby boom, include a disproportional number of people from homes with post-war dysfunction, including alcoholism, untreated mental illness (including PTSD), and domestic abuse. As a result, many Boomers ARE dysfunctional. They were not parented with empathy or kindness, and many are emotionally stunted because they grew up with insecure parental attachment. Many have parentified their own kids, asking their children to validate and comfort them as their Silent Generation parents failed to do. This leads to a second generation of dysfunction. And now their kids (Gen X and older Millennials) are adults with the their own kids, navigating that third generation. My observation is that this generation is more able to recognize the dysfunction and is seeking to address it (instead of accepting it as normal, as many Boomers did), but are trying to fix it by trying to force their now elderly parents to change. It's not realistic -- the sad truth is that if you are from one of these families with generational post-war dysfunction, your only realistic option is to accept your parents for who they are, set reasonable boundaries (don't allow yourself to be your parents' surrogate parent or therapist), and then seek to create functional family systems for your own children to pass on. It's hard but it's the way towards repair.

So yes, to some degree these dynamics do play out across the generation. If your Boomer parents (or you) escaped that post-war dysfunction, great! But that doesn't mean it's not a factor. The depression and WWII has major generational impacts. War, in particular, has a long tail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:70 million people behave the same way?

They don't. It's just the usual malcontents from dysfunctional homes who think their norm is everyone's norm.

There is an argument that Boomers, being born in the post-WWII baby boom, include a disproportional number of people from homes with post-war dysfunction, including alcoholism, untreated mental illness (including PTSD), and domestic abuse. As a result, many Boomers ARE dysfunctional. They were not parented with empathy or kindness, and many are emotionally stunted because they grew up with insecure parental attachment. Many have parentified their own kids, asking their children to validate and comfort them as their Silent Generation parents failed to do. This leads to a second generation of dysfunction. And now their kids (Gen X and older Millennials) are adults with the their own kids, navigating that third generation. My observation is that this generation is more able to recognize the dysfunction and is seeking to address it (instead of accepting it as normal, as many Boomers did), but are trying to fix it by trying to force their now elderly parents to change. It's not realistic -- the sad truth is that if you are from one of these families with generational post-war dysfunction, your only realistic option is to accept your parents for who they are, set reasonable boundaries (don't allow yourself to be your parents' surrogate parent or therapist), and then seek to create functional family systems for your own children to pass on. It's hard but it's the way towards repair.

So yes, to some degree these dynamics do play out across the generation. If your Boomer parents (or you) escaped that post-war dysfunction, great! But that doesn't mean it's not a factor. The depression and WWII has major generational impacts. War, in particular, has a long tail.

Oh please, spare us your psycho babble bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:70 million people behave the same way?

They don't. It's just the usual malcontents from dysfunctional homes who think their norm is everyone's norm.

There is an argument that Boomers, being born in the post-WWII baby boom, include a disproportional number of people from homes with post-war dysfunction, including alcoholism, untreated mental illness (including PTSD), and domestic abuse. As a result, many Boomers ARE dysfunctional. They were not parented with empathy or kindness, and many are emotionally stunted because they grew up with insecure parental attachment. Many have parentified their own kids, asking their children to validate and comfort them as their Silent Generation parents failed to do. This leads to a second generation of dysfunction. And now their kids (Gen X and older Millennials) are adults with the their own kids, navigating that third generation. My observation is that this generation is more able to recognize the dysfunction and is seeking to address it (instead of accepting it as normal, as many Boomers did), but are trying to fix it by trying to force their now elderly parents to change. It's not realistic -- the sad truth is that if you are from one of these families with generational post-war dysfunction, your only realistic option is to accept your parents for who they are, set reasonable boundaries (don't allow yourself to be your parents' surrogate parent or therapist), and then seek to create functional family systems for your own children to pass on. It's hard but it's the way towards repair.

So yes, to some degree these dynamics do play out across the generation. If your Boomer parents (or you) escaped that post-war dysfunction, great! But that doesn't mean it's not a factor. The depression and WWII has major generational impacts. War, in particular, has a long tail.

This really describes the boomers in our extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If grandparents are local, it would be nice if they’d help in an emergency. But the notion that it’s expected for grandparents to provide ANY childcare (non-emergency) is strange to me. My kids have involved grandparents who will help out if they can (but non-local). It’s great, but they offer. We don’t assume.

My grandparents loved us, but virtually never watched us and mainly seemed more interested in talking to my parents. And it was fine! I had a good relationship with them. But the term “grand parenting” was not a thing. The grandkids were not their focus. I see it all the time on DCUM that people expect grandparents to help them parent. Why? If the grandparents want to do it, they’ll offer. But it shouldn’t be an expectation.

I agree with everything you say. It reminds me of how surprised I was when talking to a friend of mine who has four kids. She was a SAHM with a FT nanny. Her ILs lived about 2 miles away, and she complained frequently to me that her MIL didn't take care of the kids. I saw her ILs pretty often at her house, and they definitely showed up for all events. I have no idea what she expected from her MIL--babysitting? Coming over to supplement the nanny? I didn't want to get into it w/friend so didn't really ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:70 million people behave the same way?

They don't. It's just the usual malcontents from dysfunctional homes who think their norm is everyone's norm.

There is an argument that Boomers, being born in the post-WWII baby boom, include a disproportional number of people from homes with post-war dysfunction, including alcoholism, untreated mental illness (including PTSD), and domestic abuse. As a result, many Boomers ARE dysfunctional. They were not parented with empathy or kindness, and many are emotionally stunted because they grew up with insecure parental attachment. Many have parentified their own kids, asking their children to validate and comfort them as their Silent Generation parents failed to do. This leads to a second generation of dysfunction. And now their kids (Gen X and older Millennials) are adults with the their own kids, navigating that third generation. My observation is that this generation is more able to recognize the dysfunction and is seeking to address it (instead of accepting it as normal, as many Boomers did), but are trying to fix it by trying to force their now elderly parents to change. It's not realistic -- the sad truth is that if you are from one of these families with generational post-war dysfunction, your only realistic option is to accept your parents for who they are, set reasonable boundaries (don't allow yourself to be your parents' surrogate parent or therapist), and then seek to create functional family systems for your own children to pass on. It's hard but it's the way towards repair.

So yes, to some degree these dynamics do play out across the generation. If your Boomer parents (or you) escaped that post-war dysfunction, great! But that doesn't mean it's not a factor. The depression and WWII has major generational impacts. War, in particular, has a long tail.

My silent generation WW2 vet father married my German mother who was born during the war and grew up there. (yes, age gap) So yes, there's quite a bit of generational dysfunction although it seems to have impacted my mother more. You do just have to accept and move on.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a your parents' thing. My parents, in laws, aunts and uncles (all Boomers) are incredibly helpful. I have never hired a babysitter in 15 years of having kids and now they are too old to need one. Maybe I'm just lucky but my grandparents were the same way--we were with them all the time growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That you had kids late, and now they're very old, and are rigid and inflexible in a way they wouldn't have been, were they in their 50s.

In order to have had kids when my parents were in their 50s, I would have had to have kids in my early 20s, at a time when my parents would have been HORRIFIED if I'd become a parent because they really drilled it into me that I needed to have more money, own a home, and be established in my career before marrying and having any kids. Yet now they are annoyed that they are grandparents to young kids at an older age and blame me for not having kids until my early 30s

This sort of hypocrisy is very common. In my 20s, I had roommates and lived in crappy places because it was cheaper and enabled me to save. They complained endlessly about this because at 25/26 I didn't have a 3 bedroom house with a nice guest bedroom (preferable two, because they don't like to sleep in the same room, they are not divorced) and the funds to host them easily. Now I do have a house and a guest room (just one, sorry) plus have young kids who would LOVE to see their grandparents, and they complain that they don't want to travel and we should come to them, even though we have school and work and can't go stay with them all the time.

I'm fine with my priorities not always matching up with my parents, but I get tired of these circular arguments where it feels like they always want the exact opposite of what is even possible and are annoyed with me for not being able to bend time and space or overcome basic restrictions like budget or needing an income to accommodate them.

Oooh I get this too from my mom. But she's perfectly fit enough to travel to the places she wants to go. She's just too old and frail to visit me and the kids....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a young Boomer but sans grandkids.

My friends all babysit their grandkids for trips or special occasions. But not doing full time childcare, because they are still.working or brand new retirees who are enjoying free time.

But not doing childcare.

Boomers worked all their lives and now enjoying free schedules and traveling.

That is unlike the greatest generation and silent generation grandmas, which didn't have the burden of full time jobs on top of all the work at home.

Except most Boomers will never work as much or as hard as their millennial children because they began their careers at a time when work/life balance still existed in most industries and they spent the majority of their working years without cell phones and an expectation that they would be accessible to work 24/7. So, as usual, the millennials are left with the short end of the stick while the Boomers are just tone deaf and don't realize how much different their children's working and parents lives are.

That’s a whine that’s made every ten years or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:70 million people behave the same way?

They don't. It's just the usual malcontents from dysfunctional homes who think their norm is everyone's norm.

There is an argument that Boomers, being born in the post-WWII baby boom, include a disproportional number of people from homes with post-war dysfunction, including alcoholism, untreated mental illness (including PTSD), and domestic abuse. As a result, many Boomers ARE dysfunctional. They were not parented with empathy or kindness, and many are emotionally stunted because they grew up with insecure parental attachment. Many have parentified their own kids, asking their children to validate and comfort them as their Silent Generation parents failed to do. This leads to a second generation of dysfunction. And now their kids (Gen X and older Millennials) are adults with the their own kids, navigating that third generation. My observation is that this generation is more able to recognize the dysfunction and is seeking to address it (instead of accepting it as normal, as many Boomers did), but are trying to fix it by trying to force their now elderly parents to change. It's not realistic -- the sad truth is that if you are from one of these families with generational post-war dysfunction, your only realistic option is to accept your parents for who they are, set reasonable boundaries (don't allow yourself to be your parents' surrogate parent or therapist), and then seek to create functional family systems for your own children to pass on. It's hard but it's the way towards repair.

So yes, to some degree these dynamics do play out across the generation. If your Boomer parents (or you) escaped that post-war dysfunction, great! But that doesn't mean it's not a factor. The depression and WWII has major generational impacts. War, in particular, has a long tail.

This really describes the boomers in our extended family.

The boomer generation have grandparents who might have fought in WW2, not parents. Or more likely parents are between wars. If a boomer was born in 1963 and their parents were born around 1940, that would be right in the middle of the war.

Half of the boomers were drafted into the Vietnam war and half were too young. That was another hell on earth war that many soldiers never recovered from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok sociologists, Explain Boomer Grandparenting to me. What happened in Boomer history that made this a thing?

I am elder millennial former latch key kid. My Boomer parents preached raising an independent kid as their #1 value for parenting.

Fast forward: They have close to zero interest in grand parenting. Ask them to help out in an emergency, Boomer mom pulls out a calendar and say “well, we have Canasta at 3. How about three weeks from now?”

This creator who does Boomer Mom
Videos sums it up perfect. It’s a continuous guilt trip, not wanting to grandparent, and always being too busy. Also lots of double speak that makes you toss up your hands and say “why did I even bother.”

So, what in Boomer history influenced this parenting style?

https://www.tiktok.com/@callmekristenmarie/video/7476110074436472095

What happened? These three things:

1. They waited longer to have kids, you waited longer to have kids. My grandma was 56 when I was born, my mom was 52 when my oldest was born. But now people are becoming first time grandparents well into their 70s

2. They worked full time until 65+, they raised their kids while working full time and are now exhausted.

3. Because of all that work, older women feel entitled to be full humans now instead of free servants for other people. Be honest, when you say “boomer parents” you actually mean “boomer moms”, right? You don’t expect your dad to cook and clean, and babysit for you.

My dad is silent generation, and not only did he cook, clean, and babysit when I was a kid, he does it now for the grandkids. Boomer generation is such a waste of space.

Your dad was born in the 30s or early 40s and has grandkids that he’s babysitting? I’m 40 and my silent generation grandma is 90 with great grandkids. No way could she babysit. Youngest silent generation person is 80.

My parents were baby boomers and are super helpful. I swear they’ll show up with a power washer because my front walk way was dirty. They beg to babysit once a week and invite all the grandkids for a slumber party at their house. They show up to every soccer game, school play and volunteer at school in the middle of the day.

Your parents sound like mine and my in-laws. There are a lot of either awful parents or awful adult kids complaining here. And most can’t keep a timeline straight and neither do they know their history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:70 million people behave the same way?

They don't. It's just the usual malcontents from dysfunctional homes who think their norm is everyone's norm.

There is an argument that Boomers, being born in the post-WWII baby boom, include a disproportional number of people from homes with post-war dysfunction, including alcoholism, untreated mental illness (including PTSD), and domestic abuse. As a result, many Boomers ARE dysfunctional. They were not parented with empathy or kindness, and many are emotionally stunted because they grew up with insecure parental attachment. Many have parentified their own kids, asking their children to validate and comfort them as their Silent Generation parents failed to do. This leads to a second generation of dysfunction. And now their kids (Gen X and older Millennials) are adults with the their own kids, navigating that third generation. My observation is that this generation is more able to recognize the dysfunction and is seeking to address it (instead of accepting it as normal, as many Boomers did), but are trying to fix it by trying to force their now elderly parents to change. It's not realistic -- the sad truth is that if you are from one of these families with generational post-war dysfunction, your only realistic option is to accept your parents for who they are, set reasonable boundaries (don't allow yourself to be your parents' surrogate parent or therapist), and then seek to create functional family systems for your own children to pass on. It's hard but it's the way towards repair.

So yes, to some degree these dynamics do play out across the generation. If your Boomer parents (or you) escaped that post-war dysfunction, great! But that doesn't mean it's not a factor. The depression and WWII has major generational impacts. War, in particular, has a long tail.

This really describes the boomers in our extended family.

The boomer generation have grandparents who might have fought in WW2, not parents. Or more likely parents are between wars. If a boomer was born in 1963 and their parents were born around 1940, that would be right in the middle of the war.

Half of the boomers were drafted into the Vietnam war and half were too young. That was another hell on earth war that many soldiers never recovered from.

No, the boomer birth years are 1946-1964. By choosing 1963, you are picking the last year fr boomers. The surviving boomers in our extended family were all born between 1946 and 1957. Their father did fight in WW2 but was not at war when they were kids. Their parents were born in the 1920s, married in the early 40s and had many kids. They are all emotionally stunted, enmeshed and intensely greedy almost like little kids with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems normal to me for Boomers. They are very self absorbed.

As are all of you.

+1. It seems the height of self-absorption to have kids and then get pissy when someone else doesn't want to take care of them. I don't have grandchildren yet and when I do, I'll do what I can to help my kids, but I've worked hard my whole life and have earned the right to spend my time as I wish and enjoy myself, rather than going back to caregiving.

Totally. My mom (who's a boomer) never got over my grandmother's refusal to regularly babysit me when I was born so she could continue working. I'm 45 and she still brings it up! My mom was a lot older than her youngest sibling and my granparents were still raising kids themselves when I was born, it was undertandable. I actually think my grandma helped us out a lot- she'd come stay with us for a week at a time when my parents went on trips a couple times, would have us over on a weekend afternoon or sleepover, etc. My mom has never offered to do a fraction of that with my kids so its all just really odd to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:70 million people behave the same way?

They don't. It's just the usual malcontents from dysfunctional homes who think their norm is everyone's norm.

There is an argument that Boomers, being born in the post-WWII baby boom, include a disproportional number of people from homes with post-war dysfunction, including alcoholism, untreated mental illness (including PTSD), and domestic abuse. As a result, many Boomers ARE dysfunctional. They were not parented with empathy or kindness, and many are emotionally stunted because they grew up with insecure parental attachment. Many have parentified their own kids, asking their children to validate and comfort them as their Silent Generation parents failed to do. This leads to a second generation of dysfunction. And now their kids (Gen X and older Millennials) are adults with the their own kids, navigating that third generation. My observation is that this generation is more able to recognize the dysfunction and is seeking to address it (instead of accepting it as normal, as many Boomers did), but are trying to fix it by trying to force their now elderly parents to change. It's not realistic -- the sad truth is that if you are from one of these families with generational post-war dysfunction, your only realistic option is to accept your parents for who they are, set reasonable boundaries (don't allow yourself to be your parents' surrogate parent or therapist), and then seek to create functional family systems for your own children to pass on. It's hard but it's the way towards repair.

So yes, to some degree these dynamics do play out across the generation. If your Boomer parents (or you) escaped that post-war dysfunction, great! But that doesn't mean it's not a factor. The depression and WWII has major generational impacts. War, in particular, has a long tail.

This really describes the boomers in our extended family.

You conveniently skipped over the Korean and Vietnam wars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:70 million people behave the same way?

They don't. It's just the usual malcontents from dysfunctional homes who think their norm is everyone's norm.

There is an argument that Boomers, being born in the post-WWII baby boom, include a disproportional number of people from homes with post-war dysfunction, including alcoholism, untreated mental illness (including PTSD), and domestic abuse. As a result, many Boomers ARE dysfunctional. They were not parented with empathy or kindness, and many are emotionally stunted because they grew up with insecure parental attachment. Many have parentified their own kids, asking their children to validate and comfort them as their Silent Generation parents failed to do. This leads to a second generation of dysfunction. And now their kids (Gen X and older Millennials) are adults with the their own kids, navigating that third generation. My observation is that this generation is more able to recognize the dysfunction and is seeking to address it (instead of accepting it as normal, as many Boomers did), but are trying to fix it by trying to force their now elderly parents to change. It's not realistic -- the sad truth is that if you are from one of these families with generational post-war dysfunction, your only realistic option is to accept your parents for who they are, set reasonable boundaries (don't allow yourself to be your parents' surrogate parent or therapist), and then seek to create functional family systems for your own children to pass on. It's hard but it's the way towards repair.

So yes, to some degree these dynamics do play out across the generation. If your Boomer parents (or you) escaped that post-war dysfunction, great! But that doesn't mean it's not a factor. The depression and WWII has major generational impacts. War, in particular, has a long tail.

Yeah this really describes my mom's family especially- my maternal grandmother's family had a really rough time during the depression and then she lost two brothers in the war. She wasn't abusive to my knowledge but was hardened and emotionally detached from my mom and her siblings, although she softened up as a grandmother. But I really felt like my mom's therapist growing up and that she was trying to force a relationshp that she wished she had with her own mom.