Women lying/ gate keeping around where clothes are from

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had no idea so many women are so triggered by another woman asking where their dress is from. Is this an east coast thing? I guess some women are really competitive with other women instead of helpful and open. That is so unfortunate. This may be a really good way to test who is a good friend or not. Ask where their dress is from and if they answer, you have a genuine, caring person. If they don’t, you have a pretentious, competitive weirdo. Choose which type of friend you prefer.

Sorry you just found out how rude and obnoxious your nosy questions are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It wasn't a good friend, just someone at a party, maybe someone she just met.

Exactly. It’s a good question to see what kind of friend they would be.
What kind of person they are.
Supportive, open, friendly.
Or pretentious, anxious, competitive, selfish.

Another reason to not answer. Disingenuous people are testing you with rude questions. They are not worth the time or game playing.

[Anonymous]

There is way too much thought put into this. It was probably how you asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had no idea so many women are so triggered by another woman asking where their dress is from. Is this an east coast thing? I guess some women are really competitive with other women instead of helpful and open. That is so unfortunate. This may be a really good way to test who is a good friend or not. Ask where their dress is from and if they answer, you have a genuine, caring person. If they don’t, you have a pretentious, competitive weirdo. Choose which type of friend you prefer.

Sorry you just found out how rude and obnoxious your nosy questions are.

Can you please explain why this is thought of as rude and obnoxious?

Serious question.

Is it just because you don’t want someone copy? Or do you feel it reveals how much money you spend on clothes (which of course doesn’t necessarily correlate to how much money you have)?
Other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Pretend you don't look up what your friends clothes cost. Like you don't look up their cars or homes.

Sometimes DCUM makes me realize that people live their lives very differently from how I live mine. It's like every value and thought process is turned upside down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had no idea so many women are so triggered by another woman asking where their dress is from. Is this an east coast thing? I guess some women are really competitive with other women instead of helpful and open. That is so unfortunate. This may be a really good way to test who is a good friend or not. Ask where their dress is from and if they answer, you have a genuine, caring person. If they don’t, you have a pretentious, competitive weirdo. Choose which type of friend you prefer.

I mean, this exactly. The person who asks you this question is the same person who will call you a “pretentious, competitive weirdo” if you give a “wrong” answer. People like this are a minefield.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had no idea so many women are so triggered by another woman asking where their dress is from. Is this an east coast thing? I guess some women are really competitive with other women instead of helpful and open. That is so unfortunate. This may be a really good way to test who is a good friend or not. Ask where their dress is from and if they answer, you have a genuine, caring person. If they don’t, you have a pretentious, competitive weirdo. Choose which type of friend you prefer.

Sorry you just found out how rude and obnoxious your nosy questions are.

Can you please explain why this is thought of as rude and obnoxious?

Serious question.

Is it just because you don’t want someone copy? Or do you feel it reveals how much money you spend on clothes (which of course doesn’t necessarily correlate to how much money you have)?
Other?

DP, and I wouldn’t say “rude or obnoxious” but I would say “invasive and uncomfortable.” Yes because it relates to money, not because the spending is a big deal but it is personal and talking about it would make me feel vulnerable, way too vulnerable for someone I don’t know.

You can see on this thread how vicious people are if you give an answer they don’t like.

So, is it an insult or cardinal sin? No. Have you made me uncomfortable? Yes. And I’m probably going to try to deflect or dodge.

This is totally different than the small talk that everyone does where someone says “i love your earrings” and you say “they’re from etsy!” Or whatever. Volunteering sources in response to a compliment is not at all the same imo as someone asking you directly where something is from. That’s for personal friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering how many on this thread are surprised to learn you shouldn't ask someone how many acres they have. Just like you wouldn't ask them their net worth (I hope!)

Some of this is cultural. But in the us, in polite society, It's unacceptable. Same with shopping habits.

This is funny to me. I know it's not what you meant, but I grew up on a very large farm in the Midwest and went to school in New England, where most of my friends were city kids. When they came to visit me back home, they'd look around, mind blown, and be like "how many acres is this?" It never occurred to me to be bothered by it, because I knew they weren't judging, they were just overwhelmed by all the space. They did, however, judge the faint whiff of pig shit that would float by from time to time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think it’s a vibe thing. Like if someone comes up and is friendly and compliments and quickly wants to know where I got something, I’m happy to share. Among actual friends this type of interaction usually organically results in an exchange of recommendations, or a sharing of stories or problems they’re trying to solve and it feels collaborative.

But recently I was at a botanical garden with newish friends and our toddlers, and one woman complimented my necklace a bunch of times, asked to know the brand, pulled out her phone, had me spell the brand name multiple times so she could go to the designer’s website and find the exact necklace on the spot. She then started yelling about the dollar amount of it to everyone else, showing her phone to another mom next to her (it’s small and subtle - not some crazy expensive TikTok luxury thing). Then she demanded to know the brand of my sweater and literally reached in and turned the collar of it outward to examine the label and look that up too.

Another newish friend after a party at our house for our toddler, grilled me rapid-fire on multiple details about things in our home, where we got them, what they cost etc. I had actually locked and/or obviously blocked off some of the private spaces in my house beforehand because I didn’t want toddlers wandering around knocking over office papers etc but I was also anticipating that she would try to peek in and that it would make me uncomfortable, since the only other time she’d been over, she wandered all over our upstairs unannounced, at a time we had houseguests. And don’t you know it she was moving decorations to peer into rooms and jiggling the door handles of the ones that were locked, while I was apologizing that I had done all this for the party that had ended an hour and a half ago.

I’ve always been a sharer but these two instances have made me pause. To these women, being forthcoming w info seemed to invite further entitlement to answers about additional items in a way that felt invasive and icky, like I/my home was being inspected so that they could gather up a mental list, while really disrespecting my personal space. I get that it’s probably some form of flattery at heart but it was uncomfortable and certainly didn’t feel like any compliment.

It’s made me start to think about how I might have been able to effectively shut down their questioning before I got to the point where I felt better just cutting the first woman off completely, and deciding never to have the second one over again—I was too caught off guard at the time both times to hold to whatever boundary would match my comfort level.

I’m starting to think that maybe, unless the answer is how I’m excited that I got the thing at a totally lame place for a super cheap price (“$20 from Amazon, can you believe it!?”) , I won’t answer these types of questions unless they are a stranger (bc those are limited-time/contact situations that are brief) or until someone is a close friend. But also none of my close friends would have approached wanting to know about all of the things in quite the same way. I think some of this comes from TikTok culture where it’s accepted to go up to an anonymous stranger, and ask them to name the brand name of every item of clothing / every accessory on their person while filming them.

Why would you permit her to do this? I would have stepped away, saying politely, "could you please not do that?" or similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had no idea so many women are so triggered by another woman asking where their dress is from. Is this an east coast thing? I guess some women are really competitive with other women instead of helpful and open. That is so unfortunate. This may be a really good way to test who is a good friend or not. Ask where their dress is from and if they answer, you have a genuine, caring person. If they don’t, you have a pretentious, competitive weirdo. Choose which type of friend you prefer.

Sorry you just found out how rude and obnoxious your nosy questions are.

Can you please explain why this is thought of as rude and obnoxious?

Serious question.

Is it just because you don’t want someone copy? Or do you feel it reveals how much money you spend on clothes (which of course doesn’t necessarily correlate to how much money you have)?
Other?

I believe I can explain why the question is considered rude and obnoxious by some people, including perhaps some posters here. Historically, among certain social groups in western cultures (yes..you may now roflol) asking personal questions at a party was universally considered bad manners. Religion, politics, finances were off limits (as a general rule). That's the reason for jokes about weather small talk. Believe it or not, many believe asking someone about their clothes in a social setting is a personal question. I think it is.

We have no way to know why someone doesn't want to tell someone she just met at a party where she got her dress. Because we aren't mindreaders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had no idea so many women are so triggered by another woman asking where their dress is from. Is this an east coast thing? I guess some women are really competitive with other women instead of helpful and open. That is so unfortunate. This may be a really good way to test who is a good friend or not. Ask where their dress is from and if they answer, you have a genuine, caring person. If they don’t, you have a pretentious, competitive weirdo. Choose which type of friend you prefer.

Except many people on this thread have explained why sometimes this question is awkward or why they might not want to answer, and it's not about being competitive or not wanting to be helpful. They may be embarrassed about where they bought it, they may know it is exceedingly expensive and not want to disclose their ability to spend that much money on clothes, they may have bought it on consignment or at a thrift store, etc. None of these things are about being competitive or unhelpful. In fact, if the item is very expensive or impossible to buy, giving a truthful item may be the opposite of unhelpful and just make the asker feel bad about not being able to afford it. And yes, a mom in Brooklyn might feel awkward about saying her dress is from Anthropology or Banana Republic or something. You can scoff at that but it doesn't strike me as surprising or weird, but rather relatable because I have also lived in places where people would have judged me for that.

So you are sitting here laying bait for potential friends and judging people harshly for not responding exactly the way you think they should, but you are the one being judgmental here. Obviously the question makes many people uncomfortable for reasons that have nothing to do with being pretentious or competitive (or "weird"), yet rather than take this info in and adjust your own behavior accordingly, you are lashing out at people who have done nothing to you.

[Anonymous]

So there's this woman at a party in BK, wearing a cute dress, minding her own business....

[Anonymous]

I think it's an intrusive question if you don't know the person well.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if opinions on this question are related to profession at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think it’s a vibe thing. Like if someone comes up and is friendly and compliments and quickly wants to know where I got something, I’m happy to share. Among actual friends this type of interaction usually organically results in an exchange of recommendations, or a sharing of stories or problems they’re trying to solve and it feels collaborative.

But recently I was at a botanical garden with newish friends and our toddlers, and one woman complimented my necklace a bunch of times, asked to know the brand, pulled out her phone, had me spell the brand name multiple times so she could go to the designer’s website and find the exact necklace on the spot. She then started yelling about the dollar amount of it to everyone else, showing her phone to another mom next to her (it’s small and subtle - not some crazy expensive TikTok luxury thing). Then she demanded to know the brand of my sweater and literally reached in and turned the collar of it outward to examine the label and look that up too.

Another newish friend after a party at our house for our toddler, grilled me rapid-fire on multiple details about things in our home, where we got them, what they cost etc. I had actually locked and/or obviously blocked off some of the private spaces in my house beforehand because I didn’t want toddlers wandering around knocking over office papers etc but I was also anticipating that she would try to peek in and that it would make me uncomfortable, since the only other time she’d been over, she wandered all over our upstairs unannounced, at a time we had houseguests. And don’t you know it she was moving decorations to peer into rooms and jiggling the door handles of the ones that were locked, while I was apologizing that I had done all this for the party that had ended an hour and a half ago.

I’ve always been a sharer but these two instances have made me pause. To these women, being forthcoming w info seemed to invite further entitlement to answers about additional items in a way that felt invasive and icky, like I/my home was being inspected so that they could gather up a mental list, while really disrespecting my personal space. I get that it’s probably some form of flattery at heart but it was uncomfortable and certainly didn’t feel like any compliment.

It’s made me start to think about how I might have been able to effectively shut down their questioning before I got to the point where I felt better just cutting the first woman off completely, and deciding never to have the second one over again—I was too caught off guard at the time both times to hold to whatever boundary would match my comfort level.

I’m starting to think that maybe, unless the answer is how I’m excited that I got the thing at a totally lame place for a super cheap price (“$20 from Amazon, can you believe it!?”) , I won’t answer these types of questions unless they are a stranger (bc those are limited-time/contact situations that are brief) or until someone is a close friend. But also none of my close friends would have approached wanting to know about all of the things in quite the same way. I think some of this comes from TikTok culture where it’s accepted to go up to an anonymous stranger, and ask them to name the brand name of every item of clothing / every accessory on their person while filming them.

Why would you permit her to do this? I would have stepped away, saying politely, "could you please not do that?" or similar.

See, that’s the thing, lots of people are socially anxious and incapable of enforcing their boundaries. Instead of working on themselves and learning to say no with a smile, they lunge at anyone and anything that might make them feel awkward.