Harsh comment on being a Sahm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they ever hear their dad say things like this?

+1
Or did you make these comments when you were working?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because I can! And I like to play tennis and do pilates after drop-off b/c I am #1 chauffeur from 3-9 pm with sports, activities, etc.

Then don't be upset when they say you don't work. Tennis and pilates?? Seriously? That's what you do?

Stupid response. She said she's their driver. My guess is she's also the house manager, social planner, organizer, etc. She also needs exercise and recreation, so she gets hers after drop off in the mornings.

BTW I'm a WOHM and DH and I split most of these tasks an outsource cleaning, laundry, groceries, and some driving. If you don't outsource it, it's a full time job!

[Anonymous]

Back to the original post, I am also a SAHM and my children (older teenagers) have never spoken to me this way. If I were in your shoes, I would calmly address my daughter and let her know that her father and I made the choice together that I would be a SAHM mom. We made this decision based on what we felt was best for our family and we are both happy with the decision we made. As such, all money your father makes is our money. I would also let her know that I will be supportive of whatever decision (SAHM or WOHM) she chooses to make when she is older if she has children. I would be calm but firm, she might not choose to make the same decision when she is older, but she has to respect that it is the decision that her father and I made and we are happy with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure how it is where you are but where I am having parents who work full time regular schedules would mean never doing anything after school unless you find some junior or senior to drive you, never having a parent at any games bc they start so early (if you could even get to the game in the first place!) I wah with some flexibility and dh got flexibility over time, but I know kids very much realize how lucky they are that they can even do these things. I’ll note bc of the post above that though dh and I are flexible we are not fully so: can’t skip a meeting or work event bc of kid stuff. That is the value in full sah. Bc there are two of us it always works out but two flexible parents is not the norm. I had a sah mom myself and felt very lucky. My teens are older now but middle school to high school younger years we were the go-to house after school. It’s good for communities to have some sah/wah parents where kids can land safely during the week with some light supervision.

Not all juniors can drive. Mine will not drive till the end of junior year as they don’t turn 16 till late August and they cannot get their license till almost 17. And, they aready did drivers ed at 15. And, not letting my teens in a car with a new driver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Teens are much harder. We are going from after school till 10pm some nights with activities. Sports are sometimes at 5 am.

100% agree with this. I am a working mom of 2 with a demanding job outside the house. I went back to work a few weeks after I gave birth and was comfortable doing so as we were lucky to have a wonderful nanny who was like family to us.
Fast forward 14 years later and now my kids need ME around. Sure, I can hire someone to cook, clean and do laundry, but they need me to help with homework when they come from school, they need me to help with high school applications, they need me to drive them around their sports practices and they need me to take them to games and tournaments on weekends.
When my daughter comes home upset from school because she’s dealing with mean girl behavior in middle school , she needs me to be around. I need to be around to make sure my kids aren’t hanging out with the wrong crowd at school.
Some things you just can’t delegate.
I’ve had to switch my work schedule to part time at work and plan to do so for the next few years until they go to college.

Looks like I’m not alone in feeling this way. There are several articles about parents taking “ teen-ternity “ leaves from work to spend more time with their teen kids.

https://parentingteensandtweens.com/parents-of-teens-are-taking-career-breaks/

You are much better off being home when they are teens and will remember it. As a baby, it was easy. They’d go shopping, out to eat, go to the nursing home to visit grandma but as teens they have sports, arts, tutoring, need my help with other subjects and just want to spend time with us. Soon enough they will be off to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back to the original post, I am also a SAHM and my children (older teenagers) have never spoken to me this way. If I were in your shoes, I would calmly address my daughter and let her know that her father and I made the choice together that I would be a SAHM mom. We made this decision based on what we felt was best for our family and we are both happy with the decision we made. As such, all money your father makes is our money. I would also let her know that I will be supportive of whatever decision (SAHM or WOHM) she chooses to make when she is older if she has children. I would be calm but firm, she might not choose to make the same decision when she is older, but she has to respect that it is the decision that her father and I made and we are happy with it.

Mine never say anything but I encourage they to pick a high enough paying job to support their wives in if they want to stay home or not as it should be their choice. Child care is crazy expensive. We will help as much as we can but it’s a personal decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my kid said anything like that, it would be the one and only time. But playing tennis and doing Pilates is just asking for a comment. You’re a kept women.

And you are so ugly that you have to pay money to be married to your DH. No gravy train for you. No man wants to work hard to provide for you and your children. The uglies need to do triple duty. Work at home, work for pay and also give birth and raise kids.

I’m not married. I support my kids alone. My kids respect that I provide for them while their father does not. They are both boys and would’ve never said anything to me about what I do all day. They respect me because I give them reasons every day why women should be respected.

Do they have a choice? They are in this world because mom picked a sperm donor instead of a father/dad. Parents are not doing some great work if they provide food, shelter, clothing, security and education for their kids.

There are easy ways to prevent pregnancies. Don't have indiscriminate sex with losers and pop out children.

[Anonymous]

I thought that my kids will stop needing me when they grow up, but truly, parents are needed in different ways at all stages of kids growing up. Even now, when my kids are legally adults, I am their touchpoint for major life decisions.

At the end of your life, no one cares how successful you were if you have raised kids who are failures and if you do not have a network of family and friends.

As for how much this country sucks in supporting family and parents - I am lost for words. My kids know they have to be very well educated, have marketable skills and credentials that leads to high paying jobs and that we will help with raising their kids and help with the long-term economic leg-ups that they need.

[Anonymous]

OP, give them chores. Your children need many chores and less extracurriculars. They can help the family and stop belittling you.

You have built up your family and they are taking you for granted. Sending you strength and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I need to justify to anyone, especially a child, why I made the decision to be a SAHM. The OP’s child made a nasty comment to his mother. In my house, that would happen one time. First and foremost, my DH would have reacted to this inappropriate comment. If it happened again, his kid’s sweet life would change.

So not only do you do nothing during the day, you can’t even discipline your own child? Seriously what are you people doing all day??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back to the original post, I am also a SAHM and my children (older teenagers) have never spoken to me this way. If I were in your shoes, I would calmly address my daughter and let her know that her father and I made the choice together that I would be a SAHM mom. We made this decision based on what we felt was best for our family and we are both happy with the decision we made. As such, all money your father makes is our money. I would also let her know that I will be supportive of whatever decision (SAHM or WOHM) she chooses to make when she is older if she has children. I would be calm but firm, she might not choose to make the same decision when she is older, but she has to respect that it is the decision that her father and I made and we are happy with it.

Mine never say anything but I encourage they to pick a high enough paying job to support their wives in if they want to stay home or not as it should be their choice. Child care is crazy expensive. We will help as much as we can but it’s a personal decision.

Not themselves? You told them that they are boys so they have to work, but it’s their wife’s choice if they do? Yikes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back to the original post, I am also a SAHM and my children (older teenagers) have never spoken to me this way. If I were in your shoes, I would calmly address my daughter and let her know that her father and I made the choice together that I would be a SAHM mom. We made this decision based on what we felt was best for our family and we are both happy with the decision we made. As such, all money your father makes is our money. I would also let her know that I will be supportive of whatever decision (SAHM or WOHM) she chooses to make when she is older if she has children. I would be calm but firm, she might not choose to make the same decision when she is older, but she has to respect that it is the decision that her father and I made and we are happy with it.

Mine never say anything but I encourage they to pick a high enough paying job to support their wives in if they want to stay home or not as it should be their choice. Child care is crazy expensive. We will help as much as we can but it’s a personal decision.

Not themselves? You told them that they are boys so they have to work, but it’s their wife’s choice if they do? Yikes

Yes, they are boys and will work.

[Anonymous]

I worked full time for 25 years but was laid off when my kids were 15, 17, 18, 18 and haven't gone back to work (which has been the past 18 months.) My husband works very long hours and travels and it honestly works better to have me at home, especially this year as my senior twins have been applying to college. Plus, I'm enjoying watching their sports (the oldest are twin boys who play 3 seasons of school sports a year) and just spending time at home after balancing a two income worker household for a very long time.

My kids said some hurtful things as well: "what do you even do all day?" It was always said when they were stressed in other ways--related to college, relationships, school, etc. We also have a tighter budget without my income (we're just more careful about what we spend) and that can frustrate them as well. They're good kids but teens can impulsively say some hurtful things and in my experience parents are always the people who bear the brunt of their frustrations. It's led to some really good conversations over the course of the year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not usually a very strict parent, but if my 13 year old said that to me I would make them submit to a week where I: do not drive them anywhere, including their favorite sports and classes, make them take the school bus, make them make their own meals, stop cleaning the house or doing the dishes, and stop doing laundry. If they have no idea what adulting looks like, we need to show them.

The thing is that all this gets done if both parents work. It’s not like their friends who have working parents don’t play sports, wear clean clothes or have dinner. Talk to your child about the pros and cons of staying home and why it works for you and DH and it may or may not work for then if they have families.

dp..

They may have "clean" clothes and eat dinner, but not necessarily home cooked meals, or eat dinner together.

And those parents are probably way more stressed out, which translates into more stress at home. And/or they outsource a lot of stuff, including their meals.

-signed a wfh mom

Why is “clean” in quotations? Do you think working parents don’t actually do laundry or are you talking about yourself?

I work and my child has actual clean clothes available at all times and we eat a home cooked meal (that was cooked by me) every night. I also make most of our food from scratch including bread and snacks and keep a pretty clean house. Child also participates in activities including one sport per season, music class, and scouts.

Op, what do you actually do all day? I had a stay at home mom and I was pretty awful as a teenager but I always knew and had an appreciation for all the things my mom did for our family. Which was A LOT, not spending her day on Pilates. If you are a sahm who has a lot of help and spends your days perfecting your physique and relaxing it’s a pretty valid question to ask.

Lady, NO ONE CARES how you choose to live your life. Stop trying to have dick measuring contest with a bunch of random women and worry about yourself. It’s actually not a competition.

This x100
The right to choose is a right for all things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It bothers you OP because there's truth in what they say: playing tennis all day and doing pilates is not work it just isn't.

But why is “work” somehow a more meaningful way to fill time? Work is a means to make money. If you don’t need the money, there nothing superior about working. Most people are not working super fulfilling meaningful jobs, and they are replaceable near immediately anyhow.

This is my question as well. Most people work to earn money. There are far, far fewer who work outside the home that do not need the income. And while there are many jobs that do provide significance and meaning to a person's life, again, the vast majority of people would not be working if not paid. Why then is working a job the ultimate barometer to a person's measure of worthiness?

We tell our children that the person they are on the inside is what counts yet when it comes to the "mommy-wars" we ourselves do not follow that sentiment. Work in a paid job or work as a SAHM ... just choose what best serves your life and your family. But why must it matter what others choose?