I forgot my friend’s kid’s nut allergy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Gee, do you think she’s micromanaging and helicopter-y because a lot of adults like you have “blown it” and act like it’s a “goof”?

Did helicopter mom tell OP that her house must be entirely nut free in order for her son to be there? That's an impossible standard for a house that isn't already nut free.

That’s not what it’s about. It’s very hard on a kid when a trusted adult or a grandparent/aunt/whomever—who has known about the allergy for years—“goofs.” It makes them feel unsafe with someone they are supposed to trust.

What is the rule that is supposed to followed exactly? What should everyone do to make it safe for a kid with a nut allergy to attend a party?

1) No unlabeled food; if you’re going to order pizza, order from somewhere that the parents can review the allergens, like Papa John’s instead of the local place with no unpublished info
2) Discussion with parents and kids beforehand
3) Every label checked by both a parent and by the kid
4) If there’s any question, you call the other parent—be ready to screen shot a label
5) Don’t mix/offer food together. Like no mixed candy in a bowl. Keep everything in separate bags, allergy kid and parent read the labels
6) Do not have an “there is an epi-pen here so it’s fine” attitude. A DOCTOR recently died at Disney even after an epi-pen was administered. An epi-pen does not = absolute safety.

I think that if your child has allergies so bad that this is warranted, then the onus should be on you, the parent of the guest, to either confirm the menu/your child's food restrictions with the parent the instant you accept the invitation or send your own food so that you know that there is something safe for your child to eat. That said, at 11, your child should already know to ask all the questions and that they should come with a full stomach just in case there is nothing they can eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Wow, you're a real piece of work! No wonder she's done putting up a mask for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Closing a pool gate when toddlers are around is not the same thing as a bowl of wrapped candy bars, some of which contain nuts, to a group of 11 year olds!

Parents who think the world is responsible for their kid with nut allergies would be better never leaving their side.

The world? No. The adults who voluntarily take responsibility for our children knowing they have serious allergies? Absolutely.

And yes, serving a bowl of candy with nuts to a kid with allergies is exactly as irresponsible as leaving a pool gate open when you’ve got toddlers around. Maybe it will be fine! And maybe it really won’t. And either way you have a dead child in your house with no one to blame but yourself.

Not the same at all. A toddler can’t take any responsibility for themself. An 11 year old can and should. If your tween child has the capacity of a toddler, you’ve got more serious problems than an allergy. Amazing parenting. Slow clap.

My daughter could swim at 3. So at that point in your logic it would have been fine for her to have been left unattended by a pool?

Eleven is a child. When you have a child in your home, you’re responsible for their safety. This isn’t a grey area, this isn’t a matter of opinion, if something had happened to the child it would have been 100% OPs responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Closing a pool gate when toddlers are around is not the same thing as a bowl of wrapped candy bars, some of which contain nuts, to a group of 11 year olds!

Parents who think the world is responsible for their kid with nut allergies would be better never leaving their side.

The world? No. The adults who voluntarily take responsibility for our children knowing they have serious allergies? Absolutely.

And yes, serving a bowl of candy with nuts to a kid with allergies is exactly as irresponsible as leaving a pool gate open when you’ve got toddlers around. Maybe it will be fine! And maybe it really won’t. And either way you have a dead child in your house with no one to blame but yourself.

Not the same at all. A toddler can’t take any responsibility for themself. An 11 year old can and should. If your tween child has the capacity of a toddler, you’ve got more serious problems than an allergy. Amazing parenting. Slow clap.

My daughter could swim at 3. So at that point in your logic it would have been fine for her to have been left unattended by a pool?

Eleven is a child. When you have a child in your home, you’re responsible for their safety. This isn’t a grey area, this isn’t a matter of opinion, if something had happened to the child it would have been 100% OPs responsibility.

The kid is safe, loon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Closing a pool gate when toddlers are around is not the same thing as a bowl of wrapped candy bars, some of which contain nuts, to a group of 11 year olds!

Parents who think the world is responsible for their kid with nut allergies would be better never leaving their side.

The world? No. The adults who voluntarily take responsibility for our children knowing they have serious allergies? Absolutely.

And yes, serving a bowl of candy with nuts to a kid with allergies is exactly as irresponsible as leaving a pool gate open when you’ve got toddlers around. Maybe it will be fine! And maybe it really won’t. And either way you have a dead child in your house with no one to blame but yourself.

Not the same at all. A toddler can’t take any responsibility for themself. An 11 year old can and should. If your tween child has the capacity of a toddler, you’ve got more serious problems than an allergy. Amazing parenting. Slow clap.

My daughter could swim at 3. So at that point in your logic it would have been fine for her to have been left unattended by a pool?

Eleven is a child. When you have a child in your home, you’re responsible for their safety. This isn’t a grey area, this isn’t a matter of opinion, if something had happened to the child it would have been 100% OPs responsibility.

The kid is safe, loon.

[Anonymous]

I once had a parent yell at me AT a party with 50 people, that she was present for, because I had some candies out with nuts in them. Of course, there was a ton of food out, but no one had said anything about having a nut allergy to me, and the parents were all present for the party, so I didn't think we needed to be nut free. It's not the world's responsibility to watch out for everyone else's allergy. Parents and kids need to take responsibility at some point for themselves. I mean, if it's a little kid and you take them without the parent, then it makes sense to find out ahead of time and be extra careful. But 11? Or if the parent is there? In my opinion, not a problem for the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

+1
I do think it's irresponsible of you as a parent especially since you know about the allergy and the kids are good friends, but it's not something a parent should be angry with another parent about at that age.

Not another random parent, no. But a family friend who has known about her kid’s allergy for YEARS is someone she presumably (and with good reason) trusted to keep her kid safe. Probably feels somewhat betrayed by OP.

OP said she has her own problems. Get a grip. Her kid knew what to do.

If your problems make you incapable of safely hosting a child, don’t host.

Your naivete is going to bite you some day. You think your kid is perfectly safe whenever they are in a home not yours? Okay, lady.

No, I don’t think she’s perfectly safe even in my home. That’s not possible for any kid and certainly not for a kid with a serious allergy.

So I only leave her in the care of trusted adults. The kind who would be mortified if they made a mistake like this, not seeking an excuse.

That's the whole point. OP was trusted until she wasn't. Can happen to anyone. Telling people "Fine don't host!" Might make you feel good but it won't help.

I disagree. If you’re taking responsibility for people’s kids, take that seriously. Same goes for closing pool gates, or any other normal response to a known hazard.

If you’re the kind of person who is horrified and mortified for one paragraph and in the second paragraph want to shift the blame to the eleven year old,
please do everyone a favor and don’t host.

You never know what can happen when you drop your kid off somewhere. Just keep rolling those dice.

DP but this is such a bizarre position to take. We’re talking about responsibility of a hosting adult, and you keep deflecting to the responsibility of the hosted child and their parents.

When people drop their kids off at your home do you make them aware of your flippant attitude with respect to their child’s safety?

“I hope Larla is still alive when you come back in a few hours, Jan. She’s not my responsibility and you’re really rolling the dice by leaving her with me!”

Because the answer is to send your own food until your kid is educated enough. Not insist there will be dead bodies because other people don’t know what they are doing.

So you would tell mom her kid may very well die in your care, but whatevs, not your problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

+1
I do think it's irresponsible of you as a parent especially since you know about the allergy and the kids are good friends, but it's not something a parent should be angry with another parent about at that age.

Not another random parent, no. But a family friend who has known about her kid’s allergy for YEARS is someone she presumably (and with good reason) trusted to keep her kid safe. Probably feels somewhat betrayed by OP.

OP said she has her own problems. Get a grip. Her kid knew what to do.

If your problems make you incapable of safely hosting a child, don’t host.

Your naivete is going to bite you some day. You think your kid is perfectly safe whenever they are in a home not yours? Okay, lady.

No, I don’t think she’s perfectly safe even in my home. That’s not possible for any kid and certainly not for a kid with a serious allergy.

So I only leave her in the care of trusted adults. The kind who would be mortified if they made a mistake like this, not seeking an excuse.

That's the whole point. OP was trusted until she wasn't. Can happen to anyone. Telling people "Fine don't host!" Might make you feel good but it won't help.

I disagree. If you’re taking responsibility for people’s kids, take that seriously. Same goes for closing pool gates, or any other normal response to a known hazard.

If you’re the kind of person who is horrified and mortified for one paragraph and in the second paragraph want to shift the blame to the eleven year old,
please do everyone a favor and don’t host.

You never know what can happen when you drop your kid off somewhere. Just keep rolling those dice.

DP but this is such a bizarre position to take. We’re talking about responsibility of a hosting adult, and you keep deflecting to the responsibility of the hosted child and their parents.

When people drop their kids off at your home do you make them aware of your flippant attitude with respect to their child’s safety?

“I hope Larla is still alive when you come back in a few hours, Jan. She’s not my responsibility and you’re really rolling the dice by leaving her with me!”

Because the answer is to send your own food until your kid is educated enough. Not insist there will be dead bodies because other people don’t know what they are doing.

So you would tell mom her kid may very well die in your care, but whatevs, not your problem?

Whatevs. Do you want a dead or alive kid? You seem to not care much about your kid and more about just being right, troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Gee, do you think she’s micromanaging and helicopter-y because a lot of adults like you have “blown it” and act like it’s a “goof”?

Did helicopter mom tell OP that her house must be entirely nut free in order for her son to be there? That's an impossible standard for a house that isn't already nut free.

That’s not what it’s about. It’s very hard on a kid when a trusted adult or a grandparent/aunt/whomever—who has known about the allergy for years—“goofs.” It makes them feel unsafe with someone they are supposed to trust.

What is the rule that is supposed to followed exactly? What should everyone do to make it safe for a kid with a nut allergy to attend a party?

1) No unlabeled food; if you’re going to order pizza, order from somewhere that the parents can review the allergens, like Papa John’s instead of the local place with no unpublished info
2) Discussion with parents and kids beforehand
3) Every label checked by both a parent and by the kid
4) If there’s any question, you call the other parent—be ready to screen shot a label
5) Don’t mix/offer food together. Like no mixed candy in a bowl. Keep everything in separate bags, allergy kid and parent read the labels
6) Do not have an “there is an epi-pen here so it’s fine” attitude. A DOCTOR recently died at Disney even after an epi-pen was administered. An epi-pen does not = absolute safety.

Uh, no. Not going to work. Way too many rules.

OK, that is great to know up front. We don’t want to associate with parents who don’t care about children’s safety. I’m so glad my daughters have friends whose parents are awesome about checking in, full discussion, full disclosure, and accommodating them. My daughters have friends whose parents are inclusive, thoughtful, and safe. We are grateful for our inclusive community.

Cool. My best friend growing up had a peanut allergy and her mom never did any of the above. Worked out fine.

You are clearly ignorant about the fact that there is not one-size-fits all when it comes to peanut and food allergies. My daughter can be around them and is okay as long as she doesn't ingest them. Other kids are more sensitive.

People like you are so smug and awful. The thing is, I'll bet if your kid had the allergy, you'd be ten times worse than any other person about it, because you are an entitled, selfish person.

[Anonymous]

I think people are missing the candy was in a bag mixed in with some candies with nuts and some without handed out WHILE the kids were watching a movie. That is an easy time for a kid to let their guard down. You are engrossed in a movie you eat a plain chocolate candy think the bag is all plain chocolate and absentmindedly grab another one and eat it not realizing it has nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I once had a parent yell at me AT a party with 50 people, that she was present for, because I had some candies out with nuts in them. Of course, there was a ton of food out, but no one had said anything about having a nut allergy to me, and the parents were all present for the party, so I didn't think we needed to be nut free. It's not the world's responsibility to watch out for everyone else's allergy. Parents and kids need to take responsibility at some point for themselves. I mean, if it's a little kid and you take them without the parent, then it makes sense to find out ahead of time and be extra careful. But 11? Or if the parent is there? In my opinion, not a problem for the rest of us.

My kids both have nut allergies. They carry epi-pens and they read labels. If in doubt, they just don't eat things. I would not have yelled at you in that situation.

But I still look at your post with the "not a problem for the rest of us" and think you are a raging asshat who lacks any empathy. Who probably yells at other people about something else related to her kid and doesn't realize what a hypocrite she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people are missing the candy was in a bag mixed in with some candies with nuts and some without handed out WHILE the kids were watching a movie. That is an easy time for a kid to let their guard down. You are engrossed in a movie you eat a plain chocolate candy think the bag is all plain chocolate and absentmindedly grab another one and eat it not realizing it has nuts.

Agreed. And eleven year old should read labels and have their epi pen etc etc., but they are still very much a kid.
OP made a mistake in that it was a dicey situation that could have easily been avoided. Maybe the other mom could have handled it better, but the OP needs to stop making excuses for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Gee, do you think she’s micromanaging and helicopter-y because a lot of adults like you have “blown it” and act like it’s a “goof”?

Did helicopter mom tell OP that her house must be entirely nut free in order for her son to be there? That's an impossible standard for a house that isn't already nut free.

That’s not what it’s about. It’s very hard on a kid when a trusted adult or a grandparent/aunt/whomever—who has known about the allergy for years—“goofs.” It makes them feel unsafe with someone they are supposed to trust.

You know who didn’t goof? The kid with the allergy. His helicopter mom’s parenting worked.

Yeah, but her trust in the OP has been broken.

Mmkay. Well, then she should keep her ELEVEN-year-old (not three-year-old) at home in mommy’s protective bubble. Problem solved.

DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think that if you have a child who also has a severe allergy you would be MORE aware/responsible, so I get her reaction. I mean, you should get it having a child of your own who is vulnerable. Forgetting is pretty awful.

You can’t remember everything. Ultimately the child needs to be responsible for what they put in their mouth.

Is that what you would say to the paramedics when they came to get a dead body out of your basement? Like seriously? If you don’t have human empathy try thinking about your homeowners insurance— she served the kid a food she knew was dangerous.

It was offered in a bowl and labeled. Just like at Halloween. Your hysterics about a dead body are incredibly stupid.

Not like Halloween, when you’re not responsible for any of your trick or treaters.

OP was responsible for this child. She was aware of his allergy and served him a dangerous food anyway. If he had died— a potential outcome with a serious enough allergy— do you really think she’d have no responsibility? Would she tell the paramedics that it was just like Halloween?

She should feel bad, apologize, and do better. Trying to contort herself to make it fine to serve a kid with a nut allergy nuts is an incredible waste of energy.

You are so absurdly melodramatic. Your poor kids.

(now come back with a predictable clapback like “my kids don’t even HAVE allergies!!!” or “YES OMG THEY’LL BE FINE BECAUSE THEY WON’T BE DEADDDDD BECAUSE OF EVIL PEOPLE LIKE OP.”)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think that if you have a child who also has a severe allergy you would be MORE aware/responsible, so I get her reaction. I mean, you should get it having a child of your own who is vulnerable. Forgetting is pretty awful.

You can’t remember everything. Ultimately the child needs to be responsible for what they put in their mouth.

Is that what you would say to the paramedics when they came to get a dead body out of your basement? Like seriously? If you don’t have human empathy try thinking about your homeowners insurance— she served the kid a food she knew was dangerous.

It was offered in a bowl and labeled. Just like at Halloween. Your hysterics about a dead body are incredibly stupid.

Not like Halloween, when you’re not responsible for any of your trick or treaters.

OP was responsible for this child. She was aware of his allergy and served him a dangerous food anyway. If he had died— a potential outcome with a serious enough allergy— do you really think she’d have no responsibility? Would she tell the paramedics that it was just like Halloween?

She should feel bad, apologize, and do better. Trying to contort herself to make it fine to serve a kid with a nut allergy nuts is an incredible waste of energy.

You are so absurdly melodramatic. Your poor kids.

(now come back with a predictable clapback like “my kids don’t even HAVE allergies!!!” or “YES OMG THEY’LL BE FINE BECAUSE THEY WON’T BE DEADDDDD BECAUSE OF EVIL PEOPLE LIKE OP.”)

You need to go to bed. Allergies kill children and adults daily. Pointing that out shouldn’t trigger you this badly.