Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s never crossed my mind once while eating out to order food to bring home to my kids. I do tell them all the options at home for dinner so they know what’s available to them. But I’d never bring anything home more than just leftovers.

It doesn’t cross my mind either when I go out. But maybe that’s because I make them dinner BEFORE I go out. (You know, like a good parent.)

Wow, that’s super judgmental. Good parents teach kids how to cook and not rely on others for all their meals by their late teens. If your kids don’t like what’s offered at the college cafeteria if they go to college, will you show up with a hot meal?

The fact that you folks keep bringing up college in a thread about high school (and some posters have even bragged about not feeding their middle school kids) is telling.

I teach my minor children how to cook. I also make sure that my minor children are fed. One can (and should) do both. Pretending that leaving your kids to fend for themselves is good parenting is simply a justification for selfish and lazy parental behavior.

Pp you are replying to. I mention college because the significant majority of 17 year old kids of DCUM posters are heading to college.

My kids are in 7th and 8th grades. On the rare occasions I actually head out to dinner without them, theres very little chance I’m actually cooking a dinner before I head out for a relaxing dinner out. I tell them the options they can make, which almost always includes leftovers and leave.

If op’s kids wants to work that many hours then I find it hard to believe they weren’t provided breaks during which they could grab something to eat.

I, too, was the most amazing perfect parent to high schoolers until I had them.

Yeah, lol.

People with younger kids always hate older kids. Many moons ago, I remember my kids coming home from late elementary and complaining about all the rude moms with strollers at the corner store, barking at them, but then blocking aisles, i.e. doing the very thing they were upset about.

[Anonymous]

I think the question of,

"is your teen entitled to carryout?"

is very different from,

"do you always provide dinner for your 17 year old that has had a long, busy, productive day?"

Posters here want to conflate the two for obvious reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you did was perfectly reasonable. There was a kitchen full of food that she could have prepared in a few minutes (grilled cheese, ramen, pasta, omelette, pancakes/french toast). We went out last night too. My 17 year old made pancakes, my 16 year old made a frozen pizza. I have no idea what my 23 year old did for dinner. However, we have never brought them home food. We stopped preparing food when they hit the teen years. They like choosing whatever they want.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like if someone had written this letter about their spouse working late and they'd gone out with their friends and the spouse had asked the poster to grab some carryout people would tell the poster to do it. Being nice to someone who's been working seems like extremely normal thing to do.

Did you read the post from the person who said they would tell their teen to get off the phone and make themselves a sandwich in 2-3 minutes? I can only imagine the reaction if a wife posted that her husband said that . . .

[Anonymous]

I think it’s all about the expectations you have set for people living in your house. If you make dinner every night, it’s reasonable for them to be caught by surprise if you don’t cook or leave them leftovers.

I don’t think you need to bring takeout home, but you should give people in your house a heads up that you are going out and they need to fend for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Not everything has to be a lesson. If I’m out and the members in my home and I have t discussed dinner, I will ask “do you want anything from X? Since we have no dinner planned.” Or we say ahead “I’m eating at X today and won’t be home for dinner so you’re on your own.”

It’s really not that hard. And Op seems to be intent on getting his or her parties in a wad rather than communicate about dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How were you imagining she’d eat? What’s in the house?

From the way you tell the story, you were normal parents who fed their kids dinner every night. Then one evening you just decided to stop…without warning. If you’re going to stop feeding your minor child, I think the time to tell her isn’t 10pm on a weeknight when she just got home from working.

+100 NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, my husband and I went to a local restaurant last night. Our 17-year-old daughter called us as we were leaving, after her day at work. She asked what we ate and if we could bring her something. We told her the kitchen had just closed. She told me "You mean I worked a double and I'm coming home to no dinner" We have gone out to eat a lot with all 3 of our children through the years and have also brought carryout most times home for them when they didn't go. We decided that needs to change. Today, I asked my 24-year-old son what he thought he stated his opinion which agreed with her. He told me all the parents he knows bring carryout home for their kids when they go out. Are we living in a cloud? Do most parents do that? I thought we were being extra kind when we do that, but it is expected. A little insight would be great. BTW - we are late 50's, early 60's and are not in touch with alot of parents of teens.

Yes we feed our children 3 times a day, this some lazy boomer shiz

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like if someone had written this letter about their spouse working late and they'd gone out with their friends and the spouse had asked the poster to grab some carryout people would tell the poster to do it. Being nice to someone who's been working seems like extremely normal thing to do.

That's basically where I am. OP's child sounds like a good kid. At 17, she's working double shifts, and getting an AA. I would do whatever I could to be supportive of her. It's the right thing to do. It's not like she was lazing around in bed, or playing video games all day long.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine not having food ready to eat when kids come home tired. If I'm not able to, my husband would. If he can't, we'll order something for them.

[Anonymous]

My son works until late and gets home around 10pm.

If i go out to eat I send him the link to the restaurant and say do you want me to get you something.

25% of the time he says yes, most the time he says no...

but really most things are not open at 10pm and I don't expect him to come home at 10 and start cooking.

He also texts me, i'm stopping at chipotle/cave/chic-fil-a/whatever do you want me to get something for you?

I think these communications are pretty normal family interactions.

[Anonymous]

I think maybe you have to keep in mind that even though your 17-year-old is doing an associate degree and has a job, she's still 17, and needs more hand holding than an adult. My strategy is to plan meals in advance, not when it's already late and someone worked long hours and is hungry.

I do think it makes sense to be more intentional about teaching your daughter (and son, if he doesn't know) what to do in the kitchen.

As for carryout, in our family everyone is invited out to dinner, anyone who wishes not to join suggests an alternative plan (I'll make ramen or I'll get takeout from Chipotle, etc.). If they specifically wanted me to pick up something on way home, I'd be OK with that, if it was a reasonable request.

[Anonymous]

If my kid came home and there was no dinner, he’d make something for himself. Not a big deal. He wouldn’t expect that I would bring him food. He’s capable of making his own because I taught him starting around age 7-8.

[Anonymous]

I make sure my 17yo has dinner available.

If he's working late, that might mean bringing him carryout, pointing him to a frozen pizza or leftovers, or suggesting that he order from Uber Eats. He does cook, and will make his own meals when it's a reasonable hour, but I wouldn't expect him to get home at 10pm and start cooking. Heck, I wouldn't get home at 10pm and start cooking myself - it'd be leftovers, frozen pizza, carryout or Uber Eats. DH would do the same. So at least my expectations for DC are consistent with my own actions.

[Anonymous]

I never bring home takeout when DH and I go out to eat as a couple, but I do always have a plan for my kids' dinner and I communicate that plan ahead of time. It might be ordering pizza, heating up leftovers, or making themselves something quick and easy from my fully-stocked kitchen (egg scrambles, grilled cheese and soup, etc.); in any event, there is a plan and it does not come as a surprise to my kids if/when they'll be on their own for dinner.