Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out

[Anonymous]

Hi, my husband and I went to a local restaurant last night. Our 17-year-old daughter called us as we were leaving, after her day at work. She asked what we ate and if we could bring her something. We told her the kitchen had just closed. She told me "You mean I worked a double and I'm coming home to no dinner" We have gone out to eat a lot with all 3 of our children through the years and have also brought carryout most times home for them when they didn't go. We decided that needs to change. Today, I asked my 24-year-old son what he thought he stated his opinion which agreed with her. He told me all the parents he knows bring carryout home for their kids when they go out. Are we living in a cloud? Do most parents do that? I thought we were being extra kind when we do that, but it is expected. A little insight would be great. BTW - we are late 50's, early 60's and are not in touch with alot of parents of teens.

[Anonymous]

This can’t be real.
If you are serious, your kids are spoiled. If I’m not going to be home for dinner, my kids plan and prepare a meal for themselves (and leave some for me). They have done this since age 13.

[Anonymous]

So your daughter presumably lives with you, right? And she was working all day, you ate dinner without her (which might have been fair depending on the time), and you didn’t think about how she’d feel about coming home to no meal? Of course she isn’t entitled to carryout, but she’s probably feeling hurt that you didn’t even think about what she’d eat after coming home tired - you’re her parents.

[Anonymous]

Under 18 you are responsible for their dinner. If not take out the sufficient food in the house for them to easily make dinner.

[Anonymous]

Is she in high school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your daughter presumably lives with you, right? And she was working all day, you ate dinner without her (which might have been fair depending on the time), and you didn’t think about how she’d feel about coming home to no meal? Of course she isn’t entitled to carryout, but she’s probably feeling hurt that you didn’t even think about what she’d eat after coming home tired - you’re her parents.

A 17 year old needs to begin some adulting, and can figure out a meal for herself from whatever's in the kitchen.

[Anonymous]

If my kids were working or doing their sport or something while we were out, I would definitely get them food.

[Anonymous]

Yes, in my family this would be rude, especially because you "decided this needs to change" that day without communicating it to your kids, so you changed expectations you had previously set. You're within your rights to not bring food, of course, but the way you handled this was kind of backhanded and shitty so I agree with your kids.

[Anonymous]

How were you imagining she’d eat? What’s in the house?

From the way you tell the story, you were normal parents who fed their kids dinner every night. Then one evening you just decided to stop…without warning. If you’re going to stop feeding your minor child, I think the time to tell her isn’t 10pm on a weeknight when she just got home from working.

[Anonymous]

Big difference between 24 and 17. 24 year old should be getting his own food. 17, arguably, you should still be looking out for her and making sure there is something in the fridge or kitchen for her to cook. So it makes sense that the 24 year old has a different opinion than the 17 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your daughter presumably lives with you, right? And she was working all day, you ate dinner without her (which might have been fair depending on the time), and you didn’t think about how she’d feel about coming home to no meal? Of course she isn’t entitled to carryout, but she’s probably feeling hurt that you didn’t even think about what she’d eat after coming home tired - you’re her parents.

A 17 year old needs to begin some adulting, and can figure out a meal for herself from whatever's in the kitchen.

OP didn’t even say if there was food in the kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my kids were working or doing their sport or something while we were out, I would definitely get them food.

While I might not buy them dinner when we’re out. I make sure we have leftovers or something that can be very easily prepare (under 5 minutes). If I had no fast options but was eating out, I let my kids know ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big difference between 24 and 17. 24 year old should be getting his own food. 17, arguably, you should still be looking out for her and making sure there is something in the fridge or kitchen for her to cook. So it makes sense that the 24 year old has a different opinion than the 17 year old.

Well the 24 y.o.’s opinion here is that the 17y.o. was right.

[Anonymous]

Unless there was no food at home to make herself something, I think you're fine. If they traditionally come home to dinner I would give them a heads up that they were on their own tonight and definitely if you typically bring them food

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your daughter presumably lives with you, right? And she was working all day, you ate dinner without her (which might have been fair depending on the time), and you didn’t think about how she’d feel about coming home to no meal? Of course she isn’t entitled to carryout, but she’s probably feeling hurt that you didn’t even think about what she’d eat after coming home tired - you’re her parents.

A 17 year old needs to begin some adulting, and can figure out a meal for herself from whatever's in the kitchen.

+1. This is an emotional reaction about feeling cared for and existing family expectations. My kids, as teens, frequently prepared their own meals from multiple logical choices available in the fridge and pantry (frozen dinners, soups, bagged salads). We sometimes have a "fend" dinner where each person is having something unique for dinner. But we are all at the same table.

Discuss this with your daughter before changing the longstanding practice permanently. Obviously your prior concern was a way to show love. Cutting someone off suddenly is an attention-getting change. That's why you got a complaint. Not necessarily because your child is spoiled.