Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out

[Anonymous]

^ to clarify: my kids cook for themselves sometimes, but not often, and it's mostly when they want something particular that the adults don't want to eat.

[Anonymous]

Hello,
Thank you for the responses. It's good to hear and and think about. I guess I should have wrote a little more. First, before I was able to ask her what she wanted from somewhere else,( even if it was fastfood,) thats when she said that. Also, one of the main reasons we didnt text her to find out what she wants was because she hates the food from this particular place. Never wants anything from there, which is fine.
We have an abundance of food in our house, but she doesnt like to make anything for herself. Which Ive asked her if we could cook some easy meals together so she would know how.
She won't really eat leftovers, but quick little meals is what we always have in the pantry or fridge.
I have communicated to both kids that we won't be able to always bring carryout out for them, especially if we ask them to go and they just want to stay home on their phones. Thought this could encourage a little family time.
I just thought it was a little rude and sometimes I don't know anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t always bring food for my kids when we go out. But honestly if my kid had just worked a double shift I definitely would have said yes. It’s just the nice thing to do.

I'm 54. This is the relationship I've had with my mom who is now 82, and it's the same relationship I have with my 19 and 22 year old. Has nothing to do with age or whether or not we are all living together. It's just the nice thing to do, period.

Haha, I am 50 and my dad is 80. He’s always making sure I’m not hungry and I’ve eaten enough.

PP and my mom lives across the county. I’m almost 50 and she constantly asks what we had for dinner and “did you eat?” She’s still worried that we didn’t eat dinner whenever she hears we are out on a weekend for a sports event or something.

[Anonymous]

Some general comments on meals is not all tj same as saying - I won’t be around for dinner. I know you are working a double shift today, do you have a plan? It’s fine to want to change the dynamic. Annoucnint the change at 10 pm after a double shift sounds like a bad way to go about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello,
Thank you for the responses. It's good to hear and and think about. I guess I should have wrote a little more. First, before I was able to ask her what she wanted from somewhere else,( even if it was fastfood,) thats when she said that. Also, one of the main reasons we didnt text her to find out what she wants was because she hates the food from this particular place. Never wants anything from there, which is fine.
We have an abundance of food in our house, but she doesnt like to make anything for herself. Which Ive asked her if we could cook some easy meals together so she would know how.
She won't really eat leftovers, but quick little meals is what we always have in the pantry or fridge.
I have communicated to both kids that we won't be able to always bring carryout out for them, especially if we ask them to go and they just want to stay home on their phones. Thought this could encourage a little family time.
I just thought it was a little rude and sometimes I don't know anymore

OK—so reading between the lines here, you knew how this would play out before it happened.

Instead of “teaching a lesson” by setting your daughter up to fail, next time let her know what to expect when she get home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello,
Thank you for the responses. It's good to hear and and think about. I guess I should have wrote a little more. First, before I was able to ask her what she wanted from somewhere else,( even if it was fastfood,) thats when she said that. Also, one of the main reasons we didnt text her to find out what she wants was because she hates the food from this particular place. Never wants anything from there, which is fine.
We have an abundance of food in our house, but she doesnt like to make anything for herself. Which Ive asked her if we could cook some easy meals together so she would know how.
She won't really eat leftovers, but quick little meals is what we always have in the pantry or fridge.
I have communicated to both kids that we won't be able to always bring carryout out for them, especially if we ask them to go and they just want to stay home on their phones. Thought this could encourage a little family time.
I just thought it was a little rude and sometimes I don't know anymore

So your real problem is that she's a picky-eater, is inflexible, and wasn't brought up to eat leftovers. My kids, despite lactose intolerance and life-threatening nut allergies, are not picky eaters and will eat leftovers: we know how make a new hot meal using leftovers, they're never congealed masses of calories. I don't know why you left it this long, but the constant carry-out masked a deeper problem, that you would do well to address. Or ignore, since she's 17 and will be off to college soon. If you suspect special needs are involved, then you need to understand she might not learn how to feed herself like other people, in which case you *really* need to address it. I say this because one of my kids has ADHD/ASD. Teaching how to cook basic meals was a very slow and deliberate endeavor!

[Anonymous]

Ask any server this question -- there is a very, very small number of people who order food to take home from restaurants. Which should answer your question.

You need to deal with that entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some general comments on meals is not all tj same as saying - I won’t be around for dinner. I know you are working a double shift today, do you have a plan? It’s fine to want to change the dynamic. Annoucnint the change at 10 pm after a double shift sounds like a bad way to go about it.

It is a bad way. It's purposefully setting up a weird power struggle. If it would be rude to do to a friend (it would be, I'd be miffed if someone all of a sudden changed a norm without communication) it's still rude to do to your kids even if you can.

[Anonymous]

Is this the first time she’s worked a double? Or worked right up until meal time?
What have u done previously?
I think it’s a gray area, we would probably discuss the day before, or that morning, what everyone is doing for dinner. We don’t just assume because that’s when this kind of stuff happens.
You’re entitled to dinner out and shouldn’t have to provide food for a teen, but you should have discussed it.

[Anonymous]

OP I just read that she doesn’t like to make food for herself.
I just started my 12 yo making dinner once a week. She’s made, tacos, Mac n cheese, pasta Alfredo, and cheesy garlic bread….
I told her she can maje whatever she wants , new recipe, or jazzed up ramen. I don’t care, but she’s responsible for thinking about it and executing it.
I’m trying to
Avoid an older teen that has no clue how to prepare simple meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, my husband and I went to a local restaurant last night. Our 17-year-old daughter called us as we were leaving, after her day at work. She asked what we ate and if we could bring her something. We told her the kitchen had just closed. She told me "You mean I worked a double and I'm coming home to no dinner" We have gone out to eat a lot with all 3 of our children through the years and have also brought carryout most times home for them when they didn't go. We decided that needs to change. Today, I asked my 24-year-old son what he thought he stated his opinion which agreed with her. He told me all the parents he knows bring carryout home for their kids when they go out. Are we living in a cloud? Do most parents do that? I thought we were being extra kind when we do that, but it is expected. A little insight would be great. BTW - we are late 50's, early 60's and are not in touch with alot of parents of teens.

Team daughter.

A 24 yo can fend for himself. Even if living at home.

But declining to feed a 17 yo who <checks notes> worked a double <pause for effect>. Yeah, you should have made an effort to provide her a meal.

[Anonymous]

Why are you allowing your 24 year old to live with you? Tell them to fix their own dinner from what you have in the house.

[Anonymous]

Why isn't your 17 yr old capable of making herself a bowl or soup? A sandwich? Frozen ravioli? A salad? And on and on.

Is your 24 yr old living with you? He should be paying you rent.

When you choose to get carryout for your kids or take them to dinner it is a TREAT for them. You are not at all obligated to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, my husband and I went to a local restaurant last night. Our 17-year-old daughter called us as we were leaving, after her day at work. She asked what we ate and if we could bring her something. We told her the kitchen had just closed. She told me "You mean I worked a double and I'm coming home to no dinner" We have gone out to eat a lot with all 3 of our children through the years and have also brought carryout most times home for them when they didn't go. We decided that needs to change. Today, I asked my 24-year-old son what he thought he stated his opinion which agreed with her. He told me all the parents he knows bring carryout home for their kids when they go out. Are we living in a cloud? Do most parents do that? I thought we were being extra kind when we do that, but it is expected. A little insight would be great. BTW - we are late 50's, early 60's and are not in touch with alot of parents of teens.

Team daughter.

A 24 yo can fend for himself. Even if living at home.

But declining to feed a 17 yo who <checks notes> worked a double <pause for effect>. Yeah, you should have made an effort to provide her a meal.

Why can't the meal provided be leftovers in the fridge? Or ingredients she can use to make her own dinner?

[Anonymous]

24 is not even a teen. 24 should be fending fur herself regularly.