Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:mom its time you tell my brother and sister to start taking care of themselves

Classic Dom

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a sweet deal are you looking to adopt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid says things like “worked a double”? That’s so SAD.

What's wrong with "working a double?" The kid has get up and go and initiative and isn't a basement dweller gaming around the clock.

A high school kid with a heavy courseload working what a 12-16 hour shift? That's a lot for anyone let alone a full time student. If OP can afford to eat out that much, they can afford to pay for their kids needs and not have them work so much.

She’s not a high school kid anymore. No need to make up your own story here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, my husband and I went to a local restaurant last night. Our 17-year-old daughter called us as we were leaving, after her day at work. She asked what we ate and if we could bring her something. We told her the kitchen had just closed. She told me "You mean I worked a double and I'm coming home to no dinner" We have gone out to eat a lot with all 3 of our children through the years and have also brought carryout most times home for them when they didn't go. We decided that needs to change. Today, I asked my 24-year-old son what he thought he stated his opinion which agreed with her. He told me all the parents he knows bring carryout home for their kids when they go out. Are we living in a cloud? Do most parents do that? I thought we were being extra kind when we do that, but it is expected. A little insight would be great. BTW - we are late 50's, early 60's and are not in touch with alot of parents of teens.

My parents would bring me something home if I was busy or didn’t feel like going, if I was invited in the first place. If it was a date night it was kinda hit or miss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I used to work 15 hour days around your daughter’s age. Including my commute, I was out of the house for 17 hours at a time. I would come home and pass out, because that’s how exhausted I was (and get up a few hours later to do my schoolwork).

I was really grateful to have supportive parents that understood that there were little things they could do to make my life easier. One or the other would get up early to make me breakfast. Dad would offer to drive me. There was a plate in the microwave for me. None was that was because I asked for it or expected it, but because they understood that I was trying, and wanted me to know that they were appreciative and supportive.

We have continued to have close relationships as adults. I guess this is my long winded way of saying you should always choose kindness. Your children will never forget it.

+1 This is how it works in caring families.

Our 11th grader is taking an intense school load this year plus she's in a very demanding sport with 6 days/week practice. Plus she has a lot of other stuff going on. She knows how to make herself meals, but we still help her out. We make her breakfast because she barely has enough time to sleep so we don't want her waking up early. We make dinner for the whole family. Sometimes we do make your own sandwich nights, but we taught our kids how to do this and we ensure there are ingredients that everyone likes.

We frequently go out on Fridays with some other families and our younger two. Our oldest isn't home from practice yet, and she has declined joining us later. We always make sure there are either leftovers that she likes or things that she could very quickly assemble that also meet her nutrition requirements.

We would never just leave her on her own without a plan for dinner, the same as my spouse and I would never do to each other after a long day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different take: daughter has uneven development.

Strengths: hard-working, employed, already has Associate’s degree (did she do early college somewhere?)

Challenges: picky eater, can’t make a quick dinner

OP mentions being older parents and owning a small business that now needs to close.

OP, my take is that you and your husband were so proud of her work ethic that you missed her struggling with other life skills. I also wonder if you and your husband went to college. Did getting an associate’s degree at 17 and then joining the work force full-time seem like an awesome career path to you? What is the plan here? It doesn’t sound like she’s in the trades or anything - just working retail or maybe waiting tables?

She needs more attention and parenting than she has received up until now. She may need significant scaffolding, and now is not the time to check out as parents. She needs allllll the life skills and a productive career path. 17 year olds should be in school, minimum of part-time.

The goal is not to join the full time work force at the earliest age possible. The goal is to have a 30 year old who is fully independent, a functional adult, and a contributing citizen. It’s unclear whether your 24 year old is on this path either…

You have more parenting to do!

This. OP, I mean this gently, but have you had yourself and DD checked out for autism?

There's some serious dysfunction going on here, and it's not clear whether it's due to a medical issue like autism or whether it's just a really bad family dynamic. The extreme food pickiness suggests either autism or some serious power dynamic issues.

It's ok to decide that you're changing the rules and no longer bringing take out home for your DD. But you should have communicated this with her in advance and ensured there was a plan for her dinner. The way you did this - 10 PM when she was coming home from a double shift and without a dinner plan for her - was cruel and a set up for failure.

There are some other signs of issues - 17 year old who isn't capable of making herself a meal, 17 year who worked a double shift on a Friday - why isn't she in school, your neglect in teaching your children basic skills, the unhealthy over-reliance on eating out and take out, and your desire to teach your children a lesson rather than lovingly help them grow.

You missed a lot of parenting here, but you do seem to be genuinely flummoxed at what occurred. Please start with your doctor and try to get to the bottom of this. Parents with autism often miss a lot and their kids can end up feeling neglected. You still have a lot of parenting to do here so don't just stop trying to help your 17 year old become more well-adjusted. Take care.

[Anonymous]

I would bring my kids home food if she had not eaten.

If we were going to a Michelin starred special occasion, we would have made other arrangements for the kids’ dinner.

If we went somewhere local and it was a reasonable time, absolutely would bring kids back something, especially if they asked and we did not prepare them dinner. I have a kid in elementary, middle and high school so we feed them every dinner. If they were adults, that would be different.

[Anonymous]

During the week, yes but on weekends, no.

If you want food on weekends, you have to talk with me and spend a little time with me. I’m still the parent. They are still the kid. That’s how to build relationships.

My kids are fine with that. We have about 2 meals a week together due to everyone’s busy schedules.

[Anonymous]

I think both are fine but in this specific case, I would have stopped by MD or similar and bought her a fast food meal.

But I am not in the habit of getting my children take out when going to eat out with my husband or friends. And I don’t expect them to bring me take out either when my husband goes alone with the kids, unless I ask for it beforehand.