Do I need to lower my expectations ( dating)

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:PP. My DH makes less than me, always has. We met in college. My age group is hitting the divorce zone. There are no guarantees. Go for someone with the right personality who will be a good dad if you want kids. It's sexist to insist that your partner make equal or more money. What you want is someone who shares your values and will be a good partner. Many high-powered men have wives who are public school teachers. Would you flip that script? Why/why not?

OP here. Shared values and personality traits are equally important. I was putting out the baseline of expectations that a guy would need to hit in order to go on a date or get a second date.

OP, how are you going to determine all this on a first date? Asking about income, savings, etc. is going to come off as very gauche and will likely ensure that no man asks YOU on a second date.

OP here. That’s my issue. I don’t get many second dates and I think it’s because I focus on the baseline expectations. Only if it gets to the second date do I get more personal.

You must realize that you’re coming off as absolutely mercenary to these men, don’t you?

OP here. I don’t come out and ask men about their salary. I go off of their career. I ask questions like what are they looking for, do they eventually want marriage/kids in their future, what kind of woman do they want as a wife, etc. Is that too strong?

For a first date? Yes, way too strong. First dates are for flirting and having fun. Stop treating the first date like a job interview.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy was 30 when I met my 27yo wife. Here is the honest truth.

Don’t care about your salary, don’t care about your earning potential, don’t care about your career aspirations, don’t CC are that you own your own home. And if you need to tell me you are accomplished you aren’t accomplished.

Do care about are you a good person, are you comfortable in your own skin where are now in life, do you latch on to or engage in drama, are you attractive to me, do you watch bravo for meaningless background or because you genuinely have interest, do you want to explore with me, if your first reaction is one of logic and reason or straight emotion, are you going to respect our relationship and our roles in it.

OP here. It’s not a question but I will answer.

- Some men do care about salary and career. I know some men who do.

- Why would a partner not care about their partners career aspirations? I wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t take interest in my work and career that I’m passionate about.

I don’t watch reality tv because I live in reality and can’t deal with that fake nonsense. I don’t do drama and stay away from anyone that enjoys it. I have respect for my partner and believe relationships should be between the couple only.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:PP. My DH makes less than me, always has. We met in college. My age group is hitting the divorce zone. There are no guarantees. Go for someone with the right personality who will be a good dad if you want kids. It's sexist to insist that your partner make equal or more money. What you want is someone who shares your values and will be a good partner. Many high-powered men have wives who are public school teachers. Would you flip that script? Why/why not?

OP here. Shared values and personality traits are equally important. I was putting out the baseline of expectations that a guy would need to hit in order to go on a date or get a second date.

OP, how are you going to determine all this on a first date? Asking about income, savings, etc. is going to come off as very gauche and will likely ensure that no man asks YOU on a second date.

OP here. That’s my issue. I don’t get many second dates and I think it’s because I focus on the baseline expectations. Only if it gets to the second date do I get more personal.

You must realize that you’re coming off as absolutely mercenary to these men, don’t you?

OP here. I don’t come out and ask men about their salary. I go off of their career. I ask questions like what are they looking for, do they eventually want marriage/kids in their future, what kind of woman do they want as a wife, etc. Is that too strong?

As a guy, yes, this is coming on way, way to strong on a first date. I have been married for a while now, but when I was dating in my late 20s, I wanted an interesting conversation, not a job interview.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy was 30 when I met my 27yo wife. Here is the honest truth.

Don’t care about your salary, don’t care about your earning potential, don’t care about your career aspirations, don’t CC are that you own your own home. And if you need to tell me you are accomplished you aren’t accomplished.

Do care about are you a good person, are you comfortable in your own skin where are now in life, do you latch on to or engage in drama, are you attractive to me, do you watch bravo for meaningless background or because you genuinely have interest, do you want to explore with me, if your first reaction is one of logic and reason or straight emotion, are you going to respect our relationship and our roles in it.

OP here. It’s not a question but I will answer.

- Some men do care about salary and career. I know some men who do.

- Why would a partner not care about their partners career aspirations? I wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t take interest in my work and career that I’m passionate about.

I don’t watch reality tv because I live in reality and can’t deal with that fake nonsense. I don’t do drama and stay away from anyone that enjoys it. I have respect for my partner and believe relationships should be between the couple only.

Op, men and women are different and want different things. That’s important to understand. I’ve been around the block, I get why you think the way you do, but it’s just not how things are. Get this book and read it. I think it will help you. https://www.amazon.com/Mars-Venus-Date-Navigating-Relationship/dp/006093221X?source=ps-sl-shoppingads-lpcontext&ref_=fplfs&psc=1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

[Anonymous]

I have a sister who reminds me of OP. Dating was a job interview, personal checklist of requirements. Despite being attractive and professionally successful, she struggled to find a quality guy. It was because her dating style was so awkwardly demanding that quality guys noped out quickly.

My sister finally clicked with a guy after she had given up in her late 30s. Was just out at a bar one night and organically met a divorced guy (a former deal breaker) and they enjoyed each other's company

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Smells like a troll, but OK

Do you have the face or body to earn that sugar daddy?
Are you Instagram fitness model caliber or nah?

OP here. I’m not a troll. I’m just a woman who has my stuff together and wants a man with the same.

I’m not super hot but I’m cute. Definitely girl next door type cute. I have a nice body and take care of myself. I eat well, workout 5-6 days a week, and I take care of my skin.

Im 5’2”, 118lbs, and nice curves. Dark blonde/light brown hair, dark blue eyes, and fair-skinned.

You are not tall and thin enough... gonna need to calibrate on the self-evaluated "cute" -- what famous person/actress do you look like?

You may be more realistically headed toward public schools and continuing to work... which is PERFECTLY fine, so don't bash it.

OP here. 118lbs is thin. I have breasts and curves. I’m not a stick.

I’m not tall but that has never been an issue. Lots of men I’ve dated and have spoken to love shorter women.

Oh, and I don’t date men over 6ft. I can’t do that a large level of height difference. Weird..I know.

You are not thin.

Good news is, you're not overweight, either. I'm sure you have an attractive figure but you are not thin.

Here's the problem, not just you either, nobody seems to know what thin is anymore - society is so "plump" these days and almost everyone is out of "calibration".

At 5'2'', you need to down at 105 to be able to call yourself thin.

And 5'2'' is short. Not as big of a deal for a woman as it is for a man, but if you are trying to land a bigger fish, as they say, "tall and thin, for the win!"

BMI for 5’2 female is 106-130. 105 is underweight for her height. OP is fine at 118.

105 is not underweight, it's thin. OP is absolutely fine at 118, but she's not "thin". That's my point. 106, 107 and 108 would all also still be thin. 118 is not thin. People should stop kidding themselves and just be honest.

She's a shorty and that is what it is but it also doesn't help her stand out and differentiate her.

Getting back to the task at hand - I would look into interest groups or clubs associated with gardening, running/fitness, travel or the like. Church or religion groups would be another possibility if that's part of your background/upbringing.

BMI says 106 - 130. 105 is technically underweight.

I don’t understand why you feel the need to bag on OP. It’s not like she’s 150 expecting a super fit man. She’s a normal size for her frame and she shouldn’t be shamed for it.

PP who keeps saying OP’s not thin has to be a gay guy. No woman would keep insisting that 118 pounds isn’t thin enough (and I say this as a 5’6” 115 pound woman.) And no heterosexual man would be that caught up on it, either. Only a guy who isn’t interested in women at all could be this focused on her not being thin or tall enough. He really, really does not like women. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a single 27 year old woman looking for some advice. I’m dating and looking for a husband. I feel like I’m well accomplished for my age and seek a man who can bring the same to the table. I have a career I love with a decently high salary with savings, I own my own home ( a small condo), and I have no debt. I’m ideally looking for men slightly older - 30-35, because most men my age still live with roommates, don’t make enough money, and don’t seem to be ready to settle down. Must not have kids and have never been married. These are the baseline attributes I’m seeking. I’m seeking a man who makes equivalent to my salary or higher, who lives alone, and who has no debt. I haven’t been able to find a guy like this and I wonder if my expectations are too unrealistic and if I should lower them?

Literally none of this matters the way you think it does. In fact, if you said you were 5’4”, 110 lbs with long hair and a killer smile, it would be more valuable to your ends. You can work in accounts payable and have three roommates, if you are cheerful, outgoing and hot, your quest for a high earning man will be easy.

This is so ridiculous and not true at all. The hottest woman I ever knew is still single at 40. The truth is the more average you are, the easier it is to meet someone compatible and fall in love because there are more people just like you. I’m not sure why you think being hot is a magic bullet. It’s not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smells like a troll, but OK

Do you have the face or body to earn that sugar daddy?
Are you Instagram fitness model caliber or nah?

OP here. I’m not a troll. I’m just a woman who has my stuff together and wants a man with the same.

I’m not super hot but I’m cute. Definitely girl next door type cute. I have a nice body and take care of myself. I eat well, workout 5-6 days a week, and I take care of my skin.

Im 5’2”, 118lbs, and nice curves. Dark blonde/light brown hair, dark blue eyes, and fair-skinned.

You are not tall and thin enough... gonna need to calibrate on the self-evaluated "cute" -- what famous person/actress do you look like?

You may be more realistically headed toward public schools and continuing to work... which is PERFECTLY fine, so don't bash it.

OP here. 118lbs is thin. I have breasts and curves. I’m not a stick.

I’m not tall but that has never been an issue. Lots of men I’ve dated and have spoken to love shorter women.

Oh, and I don’t date men over 6ft. I can’t do that a large level of height difference. Weird..I know.

You are not thin.

Good news is, you're not overweight, either. I'm sure you have an attractive figure but you are not thin.

Here's the problem, not just you either, nobody seems to know what thin is anymore - society is so "plump" these days and almost everyone is out of "calibration".

At 5'2'', you need to down at 105 to be able to call yourself thin.

And 5'2'' is short. Not as big of a deal for a woman as it is for a man, but if you are trying to land a bigger fish, as they say, "tall and thin, for the win!"

You’re too invested in the tall thing, PP.

The 5’8” big fish don’t want giant women.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Lower your age requirements. Look for a guy who lives alone and is willing to make a decision on marriage within 1 year. Plus no kids, never married. Older guy pool may be too small.

Roommates shouldn't be a deal breaker. They are economically efficient.

Agree with this. OP’s asks are all very reasonable except the living along part. Successfully living with roommates is actually a good sign of being economically efficient and able to get along with people, which are important traits in a good partner.

She doesn't want economically efficient. She said she wants someone rich so she can be a PTA mom.

OP here. I don’t expect a rich guy either. I make 180k.

Did you grow up in the DMV?

You have an 85th%ile household income just by yourself. If you marry someone witg the same income, you'd be north of 95%.

Basically what you are saying is that you want to spend your young family years married to a guy who is actually pulling in a rich guy's salary.

Unless you both save and you're willing to live a more middle class existence over time as you leave and re-enter the job market.

You seem to have plenty of time to keep dating and experimenting with parameters like age but if you are laying your cards about all your expectations on the table during first and second dates, that may be a problem. Guys don't want to feel like they are being pre-qualified. Even if they are looking for a wife.

I recommend you spend some time on DCUM reading threads about very rich unhappy people and their terrible marriages. Lots of cautionary tale material. Alpha males are cheating targets. High-paying jobs can be soul-crushing.

OP here. I’m from a smaller Midwest town. I grew up poor to lower middle class.

This is likely your problem. Did you attend a top university? I was going to say that you should meet family friends or friends of friends. If your friends are LMC, you won’t be finding what you are looking for.

I grew up poor and so did DH. We are both children of immigrants and met in grad school. We now have a seven figure income.

I’m not sure if an UMC would want you unless you are beautiful and have more than just a good job. You may just be an average cute white girl.

OP here. I will be honest that I don’t know what UMC or LMC is. I moved to VA in 2021. I have a DNP from a private school in the Midwest.

Wait ... you are a short nurse from the midwest? And you are looking for men at basically the 95th percentile?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a single 27 year old woman looking for some advice. I’m dating and looking for a husband. I feel like I’m well accomplished for my age and seek a man who can bring the same to the table. I have a career I love with a decently high salary with savings, I own my own home ( a small condo), and I have no debt. I’m ideally looking for men slightly older - 30-35, because most men my age still live with roommates, don’t make enough money, and don’t seem to be ready to settle down. Must not have kids and have never been married. These are the baseline attributes I’m seeking. I’m seeking a man who makes equivalent to my salary or higher, who lives alone, and who has no debt. I haven’t been able to find a guy like this and I wonder if my expectations are too unrealistic and if I should lower them?

Literally none of this matters the way you think it does. In fact, if you said you were 5’4”, 110 lbs with long hair and a killer smile, it would be more valuable to your ends. You can work in accounts payable and have three roommates, if you are cheerful, outgoing and hot, your quest for a high earning man will be easy.

This is so ridiculous and not true at all. The hottest woman I ever knew is still single at 40. The truth is the more average you are, the easier it is to meet someone compatible and fall in love because there are more people just like you. I’m not sure why you think being hot is a magic bullet. It’s not.

You missed the part where pp said cheerful and outgoing. Personality matters a lot, on top of being “hot”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP. My DH makes less than me, always has. We met in college. My age group is hitting the divorce zone. There are no guarantees. Go for someone with the right personality who will be a good dad if you want kids. It's sexist to insist that your partner make equal or more money. What you want is someone who shares your values and will be a good partner. Many high-powered men have wives who are public school teachers. Would you flip that script? Why/why not?

Totally agree - wife of 25 years, married in DC in my 30s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been working at this? How many dates have you been on?

OP here. I’ve been dating heavily the past 3 months. I’ve been on about 30 dates with over 10 men.

How many have you slept with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lower your age requirements. Look for a guy who lives alone and is willing to make a decision on marriage within 1 year. Plus no kids, never married. Older guy pool may be too small.

Roommates shouldn't be a deal breaker. They are economically efficient.

Agree with this. OP’s asks are all very reasonable except the living along part. Successfully living with roommates is actually a good sign of being economically efficient and able to get along with people, which are important traits in a good partner.

She doesn't want economically efficient. She said she wants someone rich so she can be a PTA mom.

OP here. I don’t expect a rich guy either. I make 180k.

OK, with you making that much, you should be able to invest and save the money so you can stay home. That’s what I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lower your age requirements. Look for a guy who lives alone and is willing to make a decision on marriage within 1 year. Plus no kids, never married. Older guy pool may be too small.

Roommates shouldn't be a deal breaker. They are economically efficient.

Agree with this. OP’s asks are all very reasonable except the living along part. Successfully living with roommates is actually a good sign of being economically efficient and able to get along with people, which are important traits in a good partner.

She doesn't want economically efficient. She said she wants someone rich so she can be a PTA mom.

OP here. I don’t expect a rich guy either. I make 180k.

Did you grow up in the DMV?

You have an 85th%ile household income just by yourself. If you marry someone witg the same income, you'd be north of 95%.

Basically what you are saying is that you want to spend your young family years married to a guy who is actually pulling in a rich guy's salary.

Unless you both save and you're willing to live a more middle class existence over time as you leave and re-enter the job market.

You seem to have plenty of time to keep dating and experimenting with parameters like age but if you are laying your cards about all your expectations on the table during first and second dates, that may be a problem. Guys don't want to feel like they are being pre-qualified. Even if they are looking for a wife.

I recommend you spend some time on DCUM reading threads about very rich unhappy people and their terrible marriages. Lots of cautionary tale material. Alpha males are cheating targets. High-paying jobs can be soul-crushing.

OP here. I’m from a smaller Midwest town. I grew up poor to lower middle class.

This is likely your problem. Did you attend a top university? I was going to say that you should meet family friends or friends of friends. If your friends are LMC, you won’t be finding what you are looking for.

I grew up poor and so did DH. We are both children of immigrants and met in grad school. We now have a seven figure income.

I’m not sure if an UMC would want you unless you are beautiful and have more than just a good job. You may just be an average cute white girl.

OP here. I will be honest that I don’t know what UMC or LMC is. I moved to VA in 2021. I have a DNP from a private school in the Midwest.

Wait ... you are a short nurse from the midwest? And you are looking for men at basically the 95th percentile?

OP here. I am. I’m a nurse anesthetist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been working at this? How many dates have you been on?

OP here. I’ve been dating heavily the past 3 months. I’ve been on about 30 dates with over 10 men.

How many have you slept with?

OP here. None. I don’t do casual sex. I’ve only slept with 4 men, all long-term boyfriends.