Women whose partner's make enough for them to stay home, why do you prefer working?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a boss once who was a lawyer (in hose GC of a global company) and super successful. Wife was also a lawyer, and she stopped working and stayed home with their 2 kids. I saw her advising him on several occasions and this I think makes sense bc he was able to be twice as effective as another person but likely pulled down 5x the income due to his success as they would have individually. Smart couple.

If his success was due to her advising him, then she would have been able to pull much more if she kept working and he stayed home.

[Anonymous]

I work because I have an ambition that staying home won't satisfy. There's a reason why men work instead of begging their wives to let them stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had what would be considered a rather prestigious finance job and quit to stay at home and be with my kids, close to 20 years ago. Here is my take.

Finances: I was sort of in a unicorn situation where I had family money and would have been fine if we got divorced, DH also had plenty of savings/family money, enough for us to be comfortable even if something happened to him. Me brining in my income (which was significant) wouldn't have made a significant difference in our lives. I could've also gone back to work if after a year or two I regretted the decision.

Personal: I was well educated, great at my job, and loved it. However, I would've rarely seen my baby if I'd kept working. Working remotely or part time was not an option. Times were different, this was in the early 2000s. I think if I'd been a few years younger, I would've gone this route. I worried about not feeling fulfilled, honestly, I didn't love all the aspects of taking care of small children. However, it was not all about me. I was doing what I felt was best for my family. We did not have any family around to help. AT. ALL. This was big and I think people underestimate how helpful it is to have someone who is around, even just once or twice a year, or in true emergencies. DH's job was very demanding and he wasn't around either. For posters that say DH pitched in cooking dinner every night, did laundry on weekends, etc., not everyone's job affords these options. I could hire whatever help I wanted to help me, and basically had a blank check. Many people bad or mediocre, some were good, and a few were excellent. It was really hard to find the excellent ones who were available all the hours I would've needed to have kept working myself.
Also, it turned out my kids had some learning disabilities and other challenges. That can completely change the situation too.

Men who work see their kids rarely as well, and many women also have demanding jobs, but you never see men asked to justify their jobs. That's the issue with OP.

DH didn't have an issue seeing the baby, soon to be kids, here and there... some days for 5-10 minutes, some days not at all. In fact, he preferred it that way. I don't know how to say it other than that he didn't have a whole lot of interest in the kids when they were young. While I was never asked to "justify" staying home or not, I, on the other hand, felt like my heart would've been ripped out of my chest if I'd only seen our baby 10-15 minutes each morning/night. I stayed home, he worked all the time. It worked for everyone.

Also... Remember you are in this for the long game... although DH did very little kid stuff or traditional housework when the kids were young... Fast forward 16 years... we had a wild teenage boy. DH took over with then, I was way out of my league while DH knew exactly what to do. I don't know what I would've done without him. As DS is now in college, DH is a much better mentor with career stuff/life stuff for a 20-something year old young man than I could ever be.

You are a parent for life, not just the baby toddler years... there are stages... and they never end. For those of you with little kids, or even school-aged kids, this can be hard to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had what would be considered a rather prestigious finance job and quit to stay at home and be with my kids, close to 20 years ago. Here is my take.

Finances: I was sort of in a unicorn situation where I had family money and would have been fine if we got divorced, DH also had plenty of savings/family money, enough for us to be comfortable even if something happened to him. Me brining in my income (which was significant) wouldn't have made a significant difference in our lives. I could've also gone back to work if after a year or two I regretted the decision.

Personal: I was well educated, great at my job, and loved it. However, I would've rarely seen my baby if I'd kept working. Working remotely or part time was not an option. Times were different, this was in the early 2000s. I think if I'd been a few years younger, I would've gone this route. I worried about not feeling fulfilled, honestly, I didn't love all the aspects of taking care of small children. However, it was not all about me. I was doing what I felt was best for my family. We did not have any family around to help. AT. ALL. This was big and I think people underestimate how helpful it is to have someone who is around, even just once or twice a year, or in true emergencies. DH's job was very demanding and he wasn't around either. For posters that say DH pitched in cooking dinner every night, did laundry on weekends, etc., not everyone's job affords these options. I could hire whatever help I wanted to help me, and basically had a blank check. Many people bad or mediocre, some were good, and a few were excellent. It was really hard to find the excellent ones who were available all the hours I would've needed to have kept working myself.
Also, it turned out my kids had some learning disabilities and other challenges. That can completely change the situation too.

Men who work see their kids rarely as well, and many women also have demanding jobs, but you never see men asked to justify their jobs. That's the issue with OP.

DH didn't have an issue seeing the baby, soon to be kids, here and there... some days for 5-10 minutes, some days not at all. In fact, he preferred it that way. I don't know how to say it other than that he didn't have a whole lot of interest in the kids when they were young. While I was never asked to "justify" staying home or not, I, on the other hand, felt like my heart would've been ripped out of my chest if I'd only seen our baby 10-15 minutes each morning/night. I stayed home, he worked all the time. It worked for everyone.

Also... Remember you are in this for the long game... although DH did very little kid stuff or traditional housework when the kids were young... Fast forward 16 years... we had a wild teenage boy. DH took over with then, I was way out of my league while DH knew exactly what to do. I don't know what I would've done without him. As DS is now in college, DH is a much better mentor with career stuff/life stuff for a 20-something year old young man than I could ever be.

You are a parent for life, not just the baby toddler years... there are stages... and they never end. For those of you with little kids, or even school-aged kids, this can be hard to see.

I honestly think this gets to the heart of a lot of it. Many women like OP are married to men who just aren’t good fathers. They don’t care if they see their kids. They are content to give distanced advice to teens and young adults. It’s more like a professional relationship than a parenting relationship.

If that’s the kind of father in the house, women basically end up forced to stay home. The mom is forced out of her job because the father is checked out and uninterested in being a parent.

It’s a sad situation and not good for kids, but you can hardly blame the women. They are doing the best they can.

[Anonymous]

You should always maintain your career. When he trades you in for a younger model and leaves you penniless then you’ll be sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should always maintain your career. When he trades you in for a younger model and leaves you penniless then you’ll be sorry.

I would get around 10m if we divorced. I would not be penniless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had what would be considered a rather prestigious finance job and quit to stay at home and be with my kids, close to 20 years ago. Here is my take.

Finances: I was sort of in a unicorn situation where I had family money and would have been fine if we got divorced, DH also had plenty of savings/family money, enough for us to be comfortable even if something happened to him. Me brining in my income (which was significant) wouldn't have made a significant difference in our lives. I could've also gone back to work if after a year or two I regretted the decision.

Personal: I was well educated, great at my job, and loved it. However, I would've rarely seen my baby if I'd kept working. Working remotely or part time was not an option. Times were different, this was in the early 2000s. I think if I'd been a few years younger, I would've gone this route. I worried about not feeling fulfilled, honestly, I didn't love all the aspects of taking care of small children. However, it was not all about me. I was doing what I felt was best for my family. We did not have any family around to help. AT. ALL. This was big and I think people underestimate how helpful it is to have someone who is around, even just once or twice a year, or in true emergencies. DH's job was very demanding and he wasn't around either. For posters that say DH pitched in cooking dinner every night, did laundry on weekends, etc., not everyone's job affords these options. I could hire whatever help I wanted to help me, and basically had a blank check. Many people bad or mediocre, some were good, and a few were excellent. It was really hard to find the excellent ones who were available all the hours I would've needed to have kept working myself.
Also, it turned out my kids had some learning disabilities and other challenges. That can completely change the situation too.

Men who work see their kids rarely as well, and many women also have demanding jobs, but you never see men asked to justify their jobs. That's the issue with OP.

DH didn't have an issue seeing the baby, soon to be kids, here and there... some days for 5-10 minutes, some days not at all. In fact, he preferred it that way. I don't know how to say it other than that he didn't have a whole lot of interest in the kids when they were young. While I was never asked to "justify" staying home or not, I, on the other hand, felt like my heart would've been ripped out of my chest if I'd only seen our baby 10-15 minutes each morning/night. I stayed home, he worked all the time. It worked for everyone.

Also... Remember you are in this for the long game... although DH did very little kid stuff or traditional housework when the kids were young... Fast forward 16 years... we had a wild teenage boy. DH took over with then, I was way out of my league while DH knew exactly what to do. I don't know what I would've done without him. As DS is now in college, DH is a much better mentor with career stuff/life stuff for a 20-something year old young man than I could ever be.

You are a parent for life, not just the baby toddler years... there are stages... and they never end. For those of you with little kids, or even school-aged kids, this can be hard to see.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. Nobody would be ok with a mother who shows absolutely no interest in her children. It's baffling how many women who stay home and claim to want the best for their children can have kids and stay with a man who cares so little about their family. I wouldn't be surprised of all that wildness your child experienced was the result of his father's lack of attention. If I had a husband like this, I doubt I'd stay with him just to see if he becomes an involved father in 15 years down the line.

[Anonymous]

I have a professional body of work and academic reputation that is mine. I enjoy making contributions to my field and moving forward the scholarship in my field of study. How is this even a question? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had what would be considered a rather prestigious finance job and quit to stay at home and be with my kids, close to 20 years ago. Here is my take.

Finances: I was sort of in a unicorn situation where I had family money and would have been fine if we got divorced, DH also had plenty of savings/family money, enough for us to be comfortable even if something happened to him. Me brining in my income (which was significant) wouldn't have made a significant difference in our lives. I could've also gone back to work if after a year or two I regretted the decision.

Personal: I was well educated, great at my job, and loved it. However, I would've rarely seen my baby if I'd kept working. Working remotely or part time was not an option. Times were different, this was in the early 2000s. I think if I'd been a few years younger, I would've gone this route. I worried about not feeling fulfilled, honestly, I didn't love all the aspects of taking care of small children. However, it was not all about me. I was doing what I felt was best for my family. We did not have any family around to help. AT. ALL. This was big and I think people underestimate how helpful it is to have someone who is around, even just once or twice a year, or in true emergencies. DH's job was very demanding and he wasn't around either. For posters that say DH pitched in cooking dinner every night, did laundry on weekends, etc., not everyone's job affords these options. I could hire whatever help I wanted to help me, and basically had a blank check. Many people bad or mediocre, some were good, and a few were excellent. It was really hard to find the excellent ones who were available all the hours I would've needed to have kept working myself.
Also, it turned out my kids had some learning disabilities and other challenges. That can completely change the situation too.

Men who work see their kids rarely as well, and many women also have demanding jobs, but you never see men asked to justify their jobs. That's the issue with OP.

DH didn't have an issue seeing the baby, soon to be kids, here and there... some days for 5-10 minutes, some days not at all. In fact, he preferred it that way. I don't know how to say it other than that he didn't have a whole lot of interest in the kids when they were young. While I was never asked to "justify" staying home or not, I, on the other hand, felt like my heart would've been ripped out of my chest if I'd only seen our baby 10-15 minutes each morning/night. I stayed home, he worked all the time. It worked for everyone.

Also... Remember you are in this for the long game... although DH did very little kid stuff or traditional housework when the kids were young... Fast forward 16 years... we had a wild teenage boy. DH took over with then, I was way out of my league while DH knew exactly what to do. I don't know what I would've done without him. As DS is now in college, DH is a much better mentor with career stuff/life stuff for a 20-something year old young man than I could ever be.

You are a parent for life, not just the baby toddler years... there are stages... and they never end. For those of you with little kids, or even school-aged kids, this can be hard to see.

I honestly think this gets to the heart of a lot of it. Many women like OP are married to men who just aren’t good fathers. They don’t care if they see their kids. They are content to give distanced advice to teens and young adults. It’s more like a professional relationship than a parenting relationship.

If that’s the kind of father in the house, women basically end up forced to stay home. The mom is forced out of her job because the father is checked out and uninterested in being a parent.

It’s a sad situation and not good for kids, but you can hardly blame the women. They are doing the best they can.

I'm not sure if I'd use the word "blame" here, but we as a society as so used to put most of the parenting expectations on women that we don't take into consideration how a man's involvement or lack thereof can affect the family. It's very likely that the men these women married had all sorts of red flags that their partners considered normal behavior and didn't see as problematic until later. I don't know the circumstances of these women, but ideally, staying home is the last thing they should do as this is the type of man who will alsoavoid paying child support and alimony. I wouldn't stay with someone like this at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should always maintain your career. When he trades you in for a younger model and leaves you penniless then you’ll be sorry.

I would get around 10m if we divorced. I would not be penniless.

I've always wondered how my life would look and how I would spend my time if our family's net worth was 20M. Thanks for confirming I'd still pissing around DCUM on a Sunday night.

[Anonymous]

We live in nyc and our kids go to a private which is filled with families of means - up to and including whole townhouses/ private jets/ many multiple houses etc. I know like one wife who doesn’t work. All of them still do something, presumably to keep their identity whole and bc they were smart people to begin with and had ambition. It’s very rare at least in nyc to find a couple where the wife does nothing - esp after youngest in k

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had what would be considered a rather prestigious finance job and quit to stay at home and be with my kids, close to 20 years ago. Here is my take.

Finances: I was sort of in a unicorn situation where I had family money and would have been fine if we got divorced, DH also had plenty of savings/family money, enough for us to be comfortable even if something happened to him. Me brining in my income (which was significant) wouldn't have made a significant difference in our lives. I could've also gone back to work if after a year or two I regretted the decision.

Personal: I was well educated, great at my job, and loved it. However, I would've rarely seen my baby if I'd kept working. Working remotely or part time was not an option. Times were different, this was in the early 2000s. I think if I'd been a few years younger, I would've gone this route. I worried about not feeling fulfilled, honestly, I didn't love all the aspects of taking care of small children. However, it was not all about me. I was doing what I felt was best for my family. We did not have any family around to help. AT. ALL. This was big and I think people underestimate how helpful it is to have someone who is around, even just once or twice a year, or in true emergencies. DH's job was very demanding and he wasn't around either. For posters that say DH pitched in cooking dinner every night, did laundry on weekends, etc., not everyone's job affords these options. I could hire whatever help I wanted to help me, and basically had a blank check. Many people bad or mediocre, some were good, and a few were excellent. It was really hard to find the excellent ones who were available all the hours I would've needed to have kept working myself.
Also, it turned out my kids had some learning disabilities and other challenges. That can completely change the situation too.

Men who work see their kids rarely as well, and many women also have demanding jobs, but you never see men asked to justify their jobs. That's the issue with OP.

DH didn't have an issue seeing the baby, soon to be kids, here and there... some days for 5-10 minutes, some days not at all. In fact, he preferred it that way. I don't know how to say it other than that he didn't have a whole lot of interest in the kids when they were young. While I was never asked to "justify" staying home or not, I, on the other hand, felt like my heart would've been ripped out of my chest if I'd only seen our baby 10-15 minutes each morning/night. I stayed home, he worked all the time. It worked for everyone.

Also... Remember you are in this for the long game... although DH did very little kid stuff or traditional housework when the kids were young... Fast forward 16 years... we had a wild teenage boy. DH took over with then, I was way out of my league while DH knew exactly what to do. I don't know what I would've done without him. As DS is now in college, DH is a much better mentor with career stuff/life stuff for a 20-something year old young man than I could ever be.

You are a parent for life, not just the baby toddler years... there are stages... and they never end. For those of you with little kids, or even school-aged kids, this can be hard to see.

I honestly think this gets to the heart of a lot of it. Many women like OP are married to men who just aren’t good fathers. They don’t care if they see their kids. They are content to give distanced advice to teens and young adults. It’s more like a professional relationship than a parenting relationship.

If that’s the kind of father in the house, women basically end up forced to stay home. The mom is forced out of her job because the father is checked out and uninterested in being a parent.

It’s a sad situation and not good for kids, but you can hardly blame the women. They are doing the best they can.

I'm not sure if I'd use the word "blame" here, but we as a society as so used to put most of the parenting expectations on women that we don't take into consideration how a man's involvement or lack thereof can affect the family. It's very likely that the men these women married had all sorts of red flags that their partners considered normal behavior and didn't see as problematic until later. I don't know the circumstances of these women, but ideally, staying home is the last thing they should do as this is the type of man who will alsoavoid paying child support and alimony. I wouldn't stay with someone like this at all.

I might even go so far as to the say the extreme ambition and drive were part of the attraction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's all relative.

My DH makes close to 400K once you factor in bonuses and stock gifts while I make about 70K.

Do we need my income? No.

Would we have bought our house and be taking the same vacations and spending/saving the same if I didn't work? Absolutely not.

Wait. What do we mean by “make enough money that you can stay at home?” I thought it meant that the things above (house, vacation, etc) wouldn’t change.
My husband makes about $450k. If you take out what we pay for my income taxes, we spend about $350k.
Nothing changes when I work or don’t work except that I’m not home as much.

If you can’t afford your mortgage without your job, then I would say that your partner does not make enough for you to SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should always maintain your career. When he trades you in for a younger model and leaves you penniless then you’ll be sorry.

I would get around 10m if we divorced. I would not be penniless.

I've always wondered how my life would look and how I would spend my time if our family's net worth was 20M. Thanks for confirming I'd still pissing around DCUM on a Sunday night.

Ha! I was just listening to a podcast about the OJ Simpson trial, and it’s funny to hear what everyone was doing in the ultrawealthy neighborhood at the time of the murders.
Watching television, taking the dog for a walk, etc. Pissing around on DCUM sounds about right

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's all relative.

My DH makes close to 400K once you factor in bonuses and stock gifts while I make about 70K.

Do we need my income? No.

Would we have bought our house and be taking the same vacations and spending/saving the same if I didn't work? Absolutely not.

Wait. What do we mean by “make enough money that you can stay at home?” I thought it meant that the things above (house, vacation, etc) wouldn’t change.
My husband makes about $450k. If you take out what we pay for my income taxes, we spend about $350k.
Nothing changes when I work or don’t work except that I’m not home as much.

If you can’t afford your mortgage without your job, then I would say that your partner does not make enough for you to SAH.

Yea I was thinking this. Mind you we live in nyc but $400k is not enuf for someone to stay home.

I mean it’s all relative right? To me unless you can afford to help all your kids with a down payment on their first house and pay all their college tuition - no one can afford to stay home